[a_dub]

As a guy approaching his prime, I'd ideally like to be in a long term relationship. I'm 30 and oddly enough I've never been in one before. The few times I have had sex, it was always a short term fling. But now I think I'm ready to step up to commitment since most of my other buddies have done it in the last few years and, lets face it, I'm not getting any younger.

The problem I have, and I've never actually talked about this, so it might be an issue everyone has and isn't a big deal. But I've always been a regular masturbator. I didn't grow up watching much porn at all (so I know its not the porn), but the last few years I've been a healthy user and was even addicted at one point...might still be although I can do without it for weeks at a time when I need to.

Anyways, so when I jerk off, I always think about someone. No matter how attractive the girl might be, I can never hold my attention to masturbate to the same girl more than 2 or 3 times in a row (and even that is rare). I usually have 4-5 girls that I cycle through for some months. Most are not porn stars or celebrities but people I know in real life (co-workers, girl at the frozen yogurt shop, etc). Masturbating allows me the freedom of having sex with whoever I want and in whatever fantasy turns me on at the moment. Things that are obviously lacking in a real relationship with a single partner!

I'm afraid that if I get into a relationship, no matter how hot she might be, I won't be able to be aroused by her every night without a break. Is this normal? Am I worrying about something that is silly? Like how do you married and committed people have sex with the same person every time?

[ItsASecret]

I'm afraid that if I get into a relationship, no matter how hot she might be, I won't be able to be aroused by her every night without a break.

It is normal for guys to still go off and masturbate when their wife or gf is not around. Some do it secretly and lie about it (incase the SO is not so keen on having her man think about another woman) and some will not mention anything about masturbating but know that their SO knows. However when it comes down to their wife or serious gf most men would still choose her over some dumb porn production woman because he has feelings for his wife/gf. Those feelings are what makes a difference. Ask any guy who is seriously in love with his SO and he will say she is the only woman for him, not some girl he saw on the street.

Like how do you married and committed people have sex with the same person every time?

They love each other. If you do not love each other and it becomes a "I wish I could hump someone else I want variety" then personally I say do not bother with the relationship in the first place. There is the chance of finding someone who is okay with an open relationship but if your partner is siding with monogamy then it can turn into an ugly marriage of resentment over wishing you could do someone else. It comes down to if you really love her the feelings you have for her will make you want her over other women.

[a_dub]

OK a few questions...apologies in advance if you feel like you're explaining basic ish to a child - I must emphasize that I've never had much experience with women.

It comes down to if you really love her the feelings you have for her will make you want her over other women.

So is this one of those things where love acts as a "blinder"...ie to the one in love his SO is the hottest girl on the planet? Or is it more of a realistic thing where you recognize prettier girls exist, but you're still ecstatic to be with her because you know that she is the one for you? I've been in the former situation a few times - obviously, none of the girls felt the same way, cuz if they had I've had committed right then and there. However, I fail to understand the second situation.

They love each other. If you do not love each other and it becomes a "I wish I could hump someone else I want variety" then personally I say do not bother with the relationship in the first place.

But don't people often date for years, exclusively, before getting engaged and then married? Or are there degrees of love and that you should have a minimum degree of mutual adoration before you decide to become exclusive?

There is the chance of finding someone who is okay with an open relationship but if your partner is siding with monogamy then it can turn into an ugly marriage of resentment over wishing you could do someone else.

I'm not looking for an open relationship, although I won't lie the thought of banging someone else's girl or my girl banging some other dude is pretty intense...but that must be all that MMF porn talking!

[ItsASecret]

So is this one of those things where love acts as a "blinder"...ie to the one in love his SO is the hottest girl on the planet? Or is it more of a realistic thing where you recognize prettier girls exist, but you're still ecstatic to be with her because you know that she is the one for you?

I think it is a bit of both. Some guys in love will say they do not even look at other women because they really do not feel the need to since their SO is the one for them and no one can compare. Some guys will be madly in love and know their SO is the woman for them but realistically they will still look at other women because they are always going to be around, the difference is in how those men act when they look at other women. Most will give a glance simply because an attractive person walked by, it happens because there are always going to be attractive people out and about. Other guys will gawk, stare, drool, and generally be obviously inappropriate about their looking habits with other women even if they say they are madly in love with their SO and say she is the only woman for him. It is different for each guy based on his own personality.

But don't people often date for years, exclusively, before getting engaged and then married? Or are there degrees of love and that you should have a minimum degree of mutual adoration before you decide to become exclusive?

Yes people generally date for a period of time, which is entirely subjective, before they become engaged or married. It is not really degrees of love, you do not love someone the second you meet them. Instead you get to know them, you hang out a lot, and after a period of time of getting to know each other the conversation about taking it to the next step of dating and an exclusive relationship can occur or be decided (unless there are talks about an open relationship).

[Stillness]

Comparing pornography to sex with a person you love is like comparing the effects of crack and wholesome food. One is natural and builds up, the other is unnatural and tends to cause problems. Think of your favorite staple food. Do you get tired of eating it? Maybe if it's bland and no effort is put into preparing it. But there are a lot of different ways it can be used and you can eat it in a lot of different settings.

It's similar with sex. Just like you get hungry, you get horny. As long as effort is put into pleasing the other person, you don't get tired of it. I've only had sex with my wife since before we got married 12 years ago and I swear I feel like a virgin every time. It get's better. It's incredible. She recently gave me more pleasure than I've ever felt, so much so that I could barely handle it and don't really know if I want to again. Our bond is stronger too. That has an impact on things. It's not just physical, but mental, spiritual, emotional. Pornography and masturbation is not even in the same category.

[a_dub]

Comparing pornography to sex with a person you love is like comparing the effects of crack and wholesome food. One is natural and builds up, the other is unnatural and tends to cause problems. Think of your favorite staple food. Do you get tired of eating it? Maybe if it's bland and no effort is put into preparing it. But there are a lot of different ways it can be used and you can eat it in a lot of different settings.

It's similar with sex. Just like you get hungry, you get horny. As long as effort is put into pleasing the other person, you don't get tired of it. I've only had sex with my wife since before we got married 12 years ago and I swear I feel like a virgin every time. It get's better. It's incredible. She recently gave me more pleasure than I've ever felt, so much so that I could barely handle it and don't really know if I want to again. Our bond is stronger too. That has an impact on things. It's not just physical, but mental, spiritual, emotional. Pornography and masturbation is not even in the same category.

But when I jerk off, I have to have a different girl to think about almost every single time. And obviously since I'm fantasizing about them, these are really "hot" girls in my view...and judging from experience, they're quite a bit hotter than anyone I could get. What I'm afraid of is if I can't even commit to jerking off to a single really hot girl, do I have any hope of being able to commit to a real relationship with a girl who is significantly not as good looking? Is this why so many people cheat?

[Stillness]

I don't know. Everybody is different.

There's a member who posted a while back about his experience only being able to perform with new women. It made him incapable of having sex with his wife. So I guess it's not impossible. You're a lot more into looks than I am, but in my experience masturbation, fantasy, and pornography don't come close to comparing to a real woman. I do know the feeling you're talking about. There's a decreasing return from pornography after the first time you see it. That has not been my experience with the sexual relationships I've had. If the relationship is good the sex is good. Good sex makes the relationship stronger. It's a virtuous circle of pleasure.