Names and places have been changed to protect me and my family.
First, I have to admit that on and off for the past few months I have been taking a research chemical similar to cocaine, that has sort of a molecular double action and probably has a higher chance of causing psychosis than cocaine does. And I know I have imagined some of the behavior I'm about to talk about. But I also believe strongly that I starting imagining some of it after watching and listening to it in the real world.
I started taking this research chemical APVP, to help me over a six month period where I was behind and working a lot of hours. I noticed that it made certain areas of my body very sensitive sexually (mainly my nipples and my anus). I started playing with toys in this direction on a regular basis. I'll let you use your imagination because I'm pretty ashamed of that. But once I did experience what I believe would be a clitoral orgasm if I was a woman, after creating a makeshift toy that I used to stimulate my anus.
Some background on my wife: She was gang-raped twice when she was in her early teens. I also believe that her father molested her until she was 13, although she denies it. She has always had trouble relating sexually, and for many years our marriage was practically sexless. My becoming a regular at a strip club as a regular served as a wakeup call, and for a number of years we had a normal, active sex life with sex between 2 times a week and 2 times a month depending on her health and mood.
Because although my sex life with her hasn't been as exciting as I would like, we do have good sex. Tame, but good. I used to be able to bring her to orgasm 80% of the time. Now it's more like 15%. When we have sex it's usually ok, sometimes excellent. But she just lays there like a corpse most of the time, until she's ready to come. It's hard to know if I'm doing things right without feedback. I think she inhibits her response on purpose. She strenuously resists an body movements during sex that might be construed as her being anything other than a dead body or rubber doll. Especially when I go down on her. She just lays there like a corpse. Or like a little girl that's being molested by her father. When she starts to lose control, she (without exception) tells me to come inside her. So I have never been able to bring her to orgasm using my mouth. That's been another long-time frustration of mine.
Sometimes we have sex every other day. Sometimes we have sex once a month. NEVER two days in a row. NEVER twice in one night. She NEVER initiates it (ok -- 4 times in 25 years.). Too often, she gets it in her head that I am trying to replace her with someone else. Then she starts signing me up for adult dating sites. I start receiving these "welcome new user" emails, and for years I didn't know why. Then I figured it out. She was looking for "user already exists" errors. She also listens at the bathroom door. 10 years into our marriage, she started getting transparent shower curtains instead of her old favorite, blue. She watches me in the shower by using a dentist mirror under the door. I pile clothes in front of the door, and today she actually moved them.
She also watches me through the window of my "man cave." She had told me that it was ok to browse porn sites, but later she complained (and when I say "complained," I mean World War III). Although I don't normally masturbate to porn, I had become aware that when taking this research chemical/drug, my buzz would be enhanced by looking at pictures of naked women. I can't explain it, except by calling them head-rushes. (I found later that being startled has the same effect). One day, with my door locked, I sat in front of my computer, with a Suicide Girls slideshow, and masturbated. I also had a dildo that I was using on my anus. My wife is self-employed in day-laborer management, and I didn't expect her to get back for several hours. But she came back in time to watch me through the window, with the dildo going in and out of my ***, looking at these suicide girls in the slideshow.
At some point, I also believe she started stealing the drugs I was taking. She would sneak in when I'd go to the bathroom or something, and grab some. I even started leaving it out for her where it would be easy to find, because she wouldn't admit she was taking it and I didn't want her to find any of the sex toys I had stashed in there. And she was always going through my stuff. One day when I ran out, she kept going into the office trying to find more (I think. Can't prove, she denies it). But I felt confident I was right, and I felt really guilty for getting her hooked on them, even though I never originally offered her any or even told her I was taking it.
So I searched through every empty bottle and baggy, and found enough to give me a good buzz. I went and gave it to her, and told her, "I know you're looking for this. Here. This is the last of it, but I ordered some more yesterday." I was nice about it. I told her it was ok. But she said, "I'm not a junkie." "What do you want me to do with it?" I said, "Whatever you want." and I started to leave her office. That's when she looked at me, picked it up and dumped it into the trash. I felt that she didn't want to, but her desire to keep her secret from me was stronger than her desire to get loaded.
I'm not positive (almost), but I think she was taking it for awhile and may still be taking it. But that's just one facet of the problem I'm probably taking too much time to get to.
A few years ago I had introduced her to vibrators. Although she has strong orgasms with a vibrator, they always (again without exception) have to be accompanied by my penis. And she complained frequently, especially when I put the vibrator on anything other than the lowest setting, that it was making her "*****" numb and that it would inhibit her orgasm. I believed her.
One night, I woke up and realized my wife was masturbating. With a vibrator. It was so hot! I reached out and touched her and she said, "HUH?" like I had just woken her up. I said, "I thought you were masturbating." She said, "I don't masturbate. I've never masturbated in my whole life." I said I was sorry to wake her up, and I rolled over and closed my eyes. She started masturbating again. Naturally, I thought it would be ok to join in. I let her finish though, then told her, "Baby, that was so ********ing hot. She said, "HUH?" And I said, "You masturbating. I've never been that horny. You are so HOT!" She got angry and said, "I never masturbate. You're imagining things."
I turned around, she started masturbating again. I got so turned on over the next few hours, I masturbated myself three times. When I would start masturbating, she would get louder and more intense with herself. But if I initiated any kind of contact, she would get angry. This happened a couple more times over the next few weeks. Later I realized it happens every night.
I have NEVER had a wet dream in my life. One night a few months ago. I dreamed I was masturbating. I woke up right after I came. I realized I had masturbated, and I was shocked! I could remember the dream, and I had been pounding on my member really hard and loudly. I told my wife that "I don't know what happened. I even woke up after I came. I'm sorry." I was completely mortified! She said it was ok, that she didn't mind. She said I had done it many times before. She said that she had a fantasy about me masturbating, and wanted to watch me masturbate for her with the lights on. A few weeks later I did, but even after that she would only masturbate in front of me under these weird situations I've described and am going to continue to describe.
We went to visit her mother. We've visited her 100 times probably in the past 25 years. Out of all of those times, we've only had sex there twice (she admits only to one session). She said it's disrespectful and embarrassing to have sex on a bed belonging to her mother. I've always gone along with her, but I also always make moves anyway. I love sex, I love her, and I love sex with her. This time, the normal "No! It's disrespectful to have sex on Mom's bed!" -was the response. So I went to sleep without sex. No big deal. Like I said, sex that night would have been a welcome surprise. Not having sex wasn't a surprise.
When I woke up in the middle of the night she was masturbating again. But this time, there was a difference. She was using her fingers, vigorously. She didn't bring the toys, apparently because she didn't want her mom to see them. But she still felt the need to masturbate. I reached out and touched her, and she got angry. The whole thing repeated itself. She would pretend to wake up, get mad, would deny masturbating, refuse to have sex with me, then masturbate herself to the point of rapture. FAR BEYOND anything I have ever been able to give her. Where with me she would be more likely than not to play the part of the corpse, she was definitely giving herself feedback. Gasps, little screams, etc.
The night of our return to Seattle, I made some moves on her. She turned me down. I was really horny and worked up after that weekend to her mother's place where she had masturbated every night on the bed that we weren't supposed to have sex on. So I told her, Baby, do you really want to see me masturbate? She said, "Sure. How come you want to do that?" I told her, "Baby, I have told you before," (especially every time I saw her masturbate), "that I would do ANYTHING that you want sexually, with you, to you and for you. And I will do this for you if you want me to." I figured I wasn't getting any anyway. "You're sure you won't get disgusted with me?" She said, "It's my fantasy. I want to see."
So I put on a show. I didn't hold anything back, and went farther that I would have if I was just getting off. At first I was embarrassed. Then I started touching myself everywhere, caressing my nipples, etc. I said, "Do you want me to use a toy?" She said, "Yes I do." I said, "Pick one." She said, "Anything you want."
I picked one by Fun Factory called the "Delight click 'n' charge - g-spot and clitoral vibrator." I had just figured out how to use it a couple of days before. (An aside -- this is an excellent toy. No settings, just on and raise/lower intensity. It's shaped like an 'S', and when you first see it you wonder why in the hell they would make it like that. It's so curved up that it couldn't possible be useful.) I started out just touching my anus with it. But as I got more excited, I started pushing it in and out. Then I just left it there and was able to work it in and out without touching it. That, to me, is the big strength of this toy, aside from its amazing texture and ease in controlling. If you position yourself just right, and move just right, the bottom part of it will grab the bed and the top part will slide in and out.
When I finished, I asked her, "Did you get turned on, or was it not what you expected?" She said, "No, I started getting horny and I wanted to join in." I said, "Then why didn't you?" She gave me a bashful look and I understood that she was embarrassed. I was still a little hurt, but I didn't let on.
I went to sleep, and woke up about 15 minutes later. She was masturbating. This time she was using a new toy. I could hear something moving in a circular motion. I also heard a rumbly vibe, not the high-pitched ones I was accustomed to hearing during the endless nights of partnerless passions I had been witness to but never been allowed to participate in. This was a quality toy. Once again, I tried to join in. She said, "HUH? What are you doing?" I said, "You're having a good time. Can I join you?" She said, "What do you mean?" I said, "Well you turned me down 15 minutes ago. Just like at your mom's house. And you're masturbating now."
Hell hath no fury. She got more angry than I've ever seen her. She said, "I don't masturbate. I have never masturbated. There's something wrong with you." I told her, "Babe I've seen you. Do you think I'm stupid?" Then she went completely apesh****. Started yelling at me. With contempt, anger and hatred. Like I've never seen in her. She recounted every mistake I've ever made. I just stared, agape. Letting her finish. And once she got to the end, she started over. Then she asked me a question. I don't remember what the question was, but when I started to answer it, she interrupted me and started in on me again. So I started yelling back. I've only done that one other time in our marriage. I'm usually the civil one in arguments, letting her vent but eventually making my own point.
When I started yelling, she abruptly shut up, and looked at me with a really weird expression. Vacant and scary. Then she started crying. I tried to console her and she got angry again, grabbed a prescription for some very strong opiates she had been given the year before after a hip replacement. She opened the bottle and put a huge handful into her mouth. I was able to extricate most of them. I think she swallowed a couple of them, though.
Then she went after a pocket knife and I had to wrestle it out of her hand. I ended up having to physically restrain her for two hours before she would calm down enough to us to communicate. Then she was a child. Sometimes just crying, sometimes hysterical. I asked her why it was a problem. She kept saying, “I don't do that.” I kept saying, “But you do.” This went on until almost morning. Then we went back to bed and I slept until 10:00.
Since then, she has repeatedly insisted that I am trying to make her the guilty party. I kept telling her that nobody has to be guilty of anything. That it's just our life and not to worry about it. But I also asked her why she was masturbating all night, compulsively, so many nights, right after I had tried to engage her in some sexual togetherness (at that time I had never heard the terms “Compulsive Masturbator” or “Sexual Compulsion.”) She said, “I don't do that.” I told her that it was hurtful and disrespectful to do that. That she could at least do it somewhere else instead of rubbing my face in it. That she shouldn't have to be ashamed, but that if she was replacing me with it she was cheating. She continually denied everything and I eventually agreed with her. I told her it must have been a drug-induced psychosis and that I would resist it and eventually it would go away.
This seemed to embolden her. She quit making any pretense of waiting for me to go to sleep. She would masturbate, and after having an orgasm, would ask me if I was ok. I would say something like “I'm fine.” She would turn around and start on the next orgasm. She gave herself completely to herself. She made moanings, and little hushed screams, and really let me know that she was having a great time. No cold fish when she was touching herself, you know.
I began to simmer with anger and self-pity. I masturbated several times, and grabbed a dildo and began to use it on my anus. The more I did, the more wild she became with herself. Any time I would stop, or communicate with her in any way, she would stop what she was doing and act like everything was hunky-dory. The next morning I asked her, “Why? Why are you doing this to me?” She said, “What?”Then the argument started again, with her always repeating the same thing. “BECAUSE I DON'T DO THAT! I DON'T!”
The next morning we debated the issue again. She claimed to be watching me the whole time, wondering when I was going to stop. I told her that I had been watching her. She asked me why I abused myself all night with that dildo. I told her I was trying to connect with her, to be included in this ritual.
This went on for several days. Each morning I would believe her, that I was having some sort of psychotic episode. But there were times that I thought she was next to me masturbating, that she was downstairs. I believe the drugs were involved as well.
I've never been able to find proof. But the toys she was using were high-end, unique and new. I heard them repeatedly, I memorized how they sounded. I started researching toys online. I went to Seductions and listened to some. I knew one of them was a rabbit, or based on a rabbit. I told them what I was “looking for.” It had to be discreet, and whisper quiet. It had to have a circular function. It was probably some sort of rabbit, and was dual action. I had already zeroed in on the Jopen line. And when I heard the Jopen Vanity 10.5 and 11, I was certain. The sound was spot-on. It was one of those, and probably the 10.5. Because it's just slightly bigger than me, the 11 was definitely much bigger, and she had always said my 7 3/4” penis was a little too big (before her hysterectomy I had to be careful not to bruise her cervix with it). There was another one too. I can't remember the name of it, but it's a vibrator shaped like a small animal and also one of the award winners and very expensive.
She had said that if she “was the guilty one,” that she was doing it in her sleep. That she wasn't aware of it. Then why weren't these very expensive items in with our other toys? How could she have gotten them, brought them home, secreted them away, and not know anything about them?
I recorded her. It wasn't hard. She wasn't trying to hide anything. She just wouldn't admit to anything. But because of all the background noises (fan, the noisemaker I made for her, two refrigerators and my VPAP machine), I had trouble making the sound so obvious that she couldn't see room for doubt. Deniability.
One morning I sat down with audigy and pulled out some sounds. They weren't ambiguous to me. There were gasps and moans. The fan to our central heat. Noises from the cell phone covering parts where she got particularly involved and loud, because that's when I would move it closer to her. I created a loop, wrote her a note on some poster board and left for work. When I got home she said she didn't hear anything and threatened suicide. I took off early from work that day because I was exhausted, having had very little sleep due to her constant unisexual gymnastics. She was dead on the floor. I called 911, and they instructed me in CPR until they arrived a few minutes later. But she almost died.
Since then, I have avoided accusing her. It's become like an arms race. She discovers how the fans protect her, and times her gasps with the VPAP. Or masturbates loudly until I start stirring. I would sit there and pretend to be asleep, even snoring. I quit recording her and destroyed all of my copies. I started looking for the toys.
Long story short, I promised that I would stop accusing her. I vacillated between a conviction that I was not imagining things, to a sorrowful, guilty acceptance of “guilt.” Last night it came to a head. I told her that I didn't know what was true and what wasn't. She said that I'm always accusing her of something she didn't do. I told her she's doing the same for me.
When I say she cried, well she did. A lot. But it was grief. Like your child got molested by OJ Simpson who slit his throat when he was done. Not annoyed but concerned because her husband is experiencing psychotic episodes.
Today, Christmas Eve, she's mad at me. She's going to stay mad at me for the next couple of weeks so Christmas is not going to be the grand affair I had hoped for. Because my daughter-in-law is spending the holiday with us while her husband serves in Afghanistan, I'm sure I won't hear her all over the house. But she will keep me awake, you can bet money on that.
What am I going to do?
First, I have to admit that on and off for the past few months I have been taking a research chemical similar to cocaine, that has sort of a molecular double action and probably has a higher chance of causing psychosis than cocaine does. And I know I have imagined some of the behavior I'm about to talk about. But I also believe strongly that I starting imagining some of it after watching and listening to it in the real world.
I started taking this research chemical APVP, to help me over a six month period where I was behind and working a lot of hours. I noticed that it made certain areas of my body very sensitive sexually (mainly my nipples and my anus). I started playing with toys in this direction on a regular basis. I'll let you use your imagination because I'm pretty ashamed of that. But once I did experience what I believe would be a clitoral orgasm if I was a woman, after creating a makeshift toy that I used to stimulate my anus.
Some background on my wife: She was gang-raped twice when she was in her early teens. I also believe that her father molested her until she was 13, although she denies it. She has always had trouble relating sexually, and for many years our marriage was practically sexless. My becoming a regular at a strip club as a regular served as a wakeup call, and for a number of years we had a normal, active sex life with sex between 2 times a week and 2 times a month depending on her health and mood.
Because although my sex life with her hasn't been as exciting as I would like, we do have good sex. Tame, but good. I used to be able to bring her to orgasm 80% of the time. Now it's more like 15%. When we have sex it's usually ok, sometimes excellent. But she just lays there like a corpse most of the time, until she's ready to come. It's hard to know if I'm doing things right without feedback. I think she inhibits her response on purpose. She strenuously resists an body movements during sex that might be construed as her being anything other than a dead body or rubber doll. Especially when I go down on her. She just lays there like a corpse. Or like a little girl that's being molested by her father. When she starts to lose control, she (without exception) tells me to come inside her. So I have never been able to bring her to orgasm using my mouth. That's been another long-time frustration of mine.
Sometimes we have sex every other day. Sometimes we have sex once a month. NEVER two days in a row. NEVER twice in one night. She NEVER initiates it (ok -- 4 times in 25 years.). Too often, she gets it in her head that I am trying to replace her with someone else. Then she starts signing me up for adult dating sites. I start receiving these "welcome new user" emails, and for years I didn't know why. Then I figured it out. She was looking for "user already exists" errors. She also listens at the bathroom door. 10 years into our marriage, she started getting transparent shower curtains instead of her old favorite, blue. She watches me in the shower by using a dentist mirror under the door. I pile clothes in front of the door, and today she actually moved them.
She also watches me through the window of my "man cave." She had told me that it was ok to browse porn sites, but later she complained (and when I say "complained," I mean World War III). Although I don't normally masturbate to porn, I had become aware that when taking this research chemical/drug, my buzz would be enhanced by looking at pictures of naked women. I can't explain it, except by calling them head-rushes. (I found later that being startled has the same effect). One day, with my door locked, I sat in front of my computer, with a Suicide Girls slideshow, and masturbated. I also had a dildo that I was using on my anus. My wife is self-employed in day-laborer management, and I didn't expect her to get back for several hours. But she came back in time to watch me through the window, with the dildo going in and out of my ***, looking at these suicide girls in the slideshow.
At some point, I also believe she started stealing the drugs I was taking. She would sneak in when I'd go to the bathroom or something, and grab some. I even started leaving it out for her where it would be easy to find, because she wouldn't admit she was taking it and I didn't want her to find any of the sex toys I had stashed in there. And she was always going through my stuff. One day when I ran out, she kept going into the office trying to find more (I think. Can't prove, she denies it). But I felt confident I was right, and I felt really guilty for getting her hooked on them, even though I never originally offered her any or even told her I was taking it.
So I searched through every empty bottle and baggy, and found enough to give me a good buzz. I went and gave it to her, and told her, "I know you're looking for this. Here. This is the last of it, but I ordered some more yesterday." I was nice about it. I told her it was ok. But she said, "I'm not a junkie." "What do you want me to do with it?" I said, "Whatever you want." and I started to leave her office. That's when she looked at me, picked it up and dumped it into the trash. I felt that she didn't want to, but her desire to keep her secret from me was stronger than her desire to get loaded.
I'm not positive (almost), but I think she was taking it for awhile and may still be taking it. But that's just one facet of the problem I'm probably taking too much time to get to.
A few years ago I had introduced her to vibrators. Although she has strong orgasms with a vibrator, they always (again without exception) have to be accompanied by my penis. And she complained frequently, especially when I put the vibrator on anything other than the lowest setting, that it was making her "*****" numb and that it would inhibit her orgasm. I believed her.
One night, I woke up and realized my wife was masturbating. With a vibrator. It was so hot! I reached out and touched her and she said, "HUH?" like I had just woken her up. I said, "I thought you were masturbating." She said, "I don't masturbate. I've never masturbated in my whole life." I said I was sorry to wake her up, and I rolled over and closed my eyes. She started masturbating again. Naturally, I thought it would be ok to join in. I let her finish though, then told her, "Baby, that was so ********ing hot. She said, "HUH?" And I said, "You masturbating. I've never been that horny. You are so HOT!" She got angry and said, "I never masturbate. You're imagining things."
I turned around, she started masturbating again. I got so turned on over the next few hours, I masturbated myself three times. When I would start masturbating, she would get louder and more intense with herself. But if I initiated any kind of contact, she would get angry. This happened a couple more times over the next few weeks. Later I realized it happens every night.
I have NEVER had a wet dream in my life. One night a few months ago. I dreamed I was masturbating. I woke up right after I came. I realized I had masturbated, and I was shocked! I could remember the dream, and I had been pounding on my member really hard and loudly. I told my wife that "I don't know what happened. I even woke up after I came. I'm sorry." I was completely mortified! She said it was ok, that she didn't mind. She said I had done it many times before. She said that she had a fantasy about me masturbating, and wanted to watch me masturbate for her with the lights on. A few weeks later I did, but even after that she would only masturbate in front of me under these weird situations I've described and am going to continue to describe.
We went to visit her mother. We've visited her 100 times probably in the past 25 years. Out of all of those times, we've only had sex there twice (she admits only to one session). She said it's disrespectful and embarrassing to have sex on a bed belonging to her mother. I've always gone along with her, but I also always make moves anyway. I love sex, I love her, and I love sex with her. This time, the normal "No! It's disrespectful to have sex on Mom's bed!" -was the response. So I went to sleep without sex. No big deal. Like I said, sex that night would have been a welcome surprise. Not having sex wasn't a surprise.
When I woke up in the middle of the night she was masturbating again. But this time, there was a difference. She was using her fingers, vigorously. She didn't bring the toys, apparently because she didn't want her mom to see them. But she still felt the need to masturbate. I reached out and touched her, and she got angry. The whole thing repeated itself. She would pretend to wake up, get mad, would deny masturbating, refuse to have sex with me, then masturbate herself to the point of rapture. FAR BEYOND anything I have ever been able to give her. Where with me she would be more likely than not to play the part of the corpse, she was definitely giving herself feedback. Gasps, little screams, etc.
The night of our return to Seattle, I made some moves on her. She turned me down. I was really horny and worked up after that weekend to her mother's place where she had masturbated every night on the bed that we weren't supposed to have sex on. So I told her, Baby, do you really want to see me masturbate? She said, "Sure. How come you want to do that?" I told her, "Baby, I have told you before," (especially every time I saw her masturbate), "that I would do ANYTHING that you want sexually, with you, to you and for you. And I will do this for you if you want me to." I figured I wasn't getting any anyway. "You're sure you won't get disgusted with me?" She said, "It's my fantasy. I want to see."
So I put on a show. I didn't hold anything back, and went farther that I would have if I was just getting off. At first I was embarrassed. Then I started touching myself everywhere, caressing my nipples, etc. I said, "Do you want me to use a toy?" She said, "Yes I do." I said, "Pick one." She said, "Anything you want."
I picked one by Fun Factory called the "Delight click 'n' charge - g-spot and clitoral vibrator." I had just figured out how to use it a couple of days before. (An aside -- this is an excellent toy. No settings, just on and raise/lower intensity. It's shaped like an 'S', and when you first see it you wonder why in the hell they would make it like that. It's so curved up that it couldn't possible be useful.) I started out just touching my anus with it. But as I got more excited, I started pushing it in and out. Then I just left it there and was able to work it in and out without touching it. That, to me, is the big strength of this toy, aside from its amazing texture and ease in controlling. If you position yourself just right, and move just right, the bottom part of it will grab the bed and the top part will slide in and out.
When I finished, I asked her, "Did you get turned on, or was it not what you expected?" She said, "No, I started getting horny and I wanted to join in." I said, "Then why didn't you?" She gave me a bashful look and I understood that she was embarrassed. I was still a little hurt, but I didn't let on.
I went to sleep, and woke up about 15 minutes later. She was masturbating. This time she was using a new toy. I could hear something moving in a circular motion. I also heard a rumbly vibe, not the high-pitched ones I was accustomed to hearing during the endless nights of partnerless passions I had been witness to but never been allowed to participate in. This was a quality toy. Once again, I tried to join in. She said, "HUH? What are you doing?" I said, "You're having a good time. Can I join you?" She said, "What do you mean?" I said, "Well you turned me down 15 minutes ago. Just like at your mom's house. And you're masturbating now."
Hell hath no fury. She got more angry than I've ever seen her. She said, "I don't masturbate. I have never masturbated. There's something wrong with you." I told her, "Babe I've seen you. Do you think I'm stupid?" Then she went completely apesh****. Started yelling at me. With contempt, anger and hatred. Like I've never seen in her. She recounted every mistake I've ever made. I just stared, agape. Letting her finish. And once she got to the end, she started over. Then she asked me a question. I don't remember what the question was, but when I started to answer it, she interrupted me and started in on me again. So I started yelling back. I've only done that one other time in our marriage. I'm usually the civil one in arguments, letting her vent but eventually making my own point.
When I started yelling, she abruptly shut up, and looked at me with a really weird expression. Vacant and scary. Then she started crying. I tried to console her and she got angry again, grabbed a prescription for some very strong opiates she had been given the year before after a hip replacement. She opened the bottle and put a huge handful into her mouth. I was able to extricate most of them. I think she swallowed a couple of them, though.
Then she went after a pocket knife and I had to wrestle it out of her hand. I ended up having to physically restrain her for two hours before she would calm down enough to us to communicate. Then she was a child. Sometimes just crying, sometimes hysterical. I asked her why it was a problem. She kept saying, “I don't do that.” I kept saying, “But you do.” This went on until almost morning. Then we went back to bed and I slept until 10:00.
Since then, she has repeatedly insisted that I am trying to make her the guilty party. I kept telling her that nobody has to be guilty of anything. That it's just our life and not to worry about it. But I also asked her why she was masturbating all night, compulsively, so many nights, right after I had tried to engage her in some sexual togetherness (at that time I had never heard the terms “Compulsive Masturbator” or “Sexual Compulsion.”) She said, “I don't do that.” I told her that it was hurtful and disrespectful to do that. That she could at least do it somewhere else instead of rubbing my face in it. That she shouldn't have to be ashamed, but that if she was replacing me with it she was cheating. She continually denied everything and I eventually agreed with her. I told her it must have been a drug-induced psychosis and that I would resist it and eventually it would go away.
This seemed to embolden her. She quit making any pretense of waiting for me to go to sleep. She would masturbate, and after having an orgasm, would ask me if I was ok. I would say something like “I'm fine.” She would turn around and start on the next orgasm. She gave herself completely to herself. She made moanings, and little hushed screams, and really let me know that she was having a great time. No cold fish when she was touching herself, you know.
I began to simmer with anger and self-pity. I masturbated several times, and grabbed a dildo and began to use it on my anus. The more I did, the more wild she became with herself. Any time I would stop, or communicate with her in any way, she would stop what she was doing and act like everything was hunky-dory. The next morning I asked her, “Why? Why are you doing this to me?” She said, “What?”Then the argument started again, with her always repeating the same thing. “BECAUSE I DON'T DO THAT! I DON'T!”
The next morning we debated the issue again. She claimed to be watching me the whole time, wondering when I was going to stop. I told her that I had been watching her. She asked me why I abused myself all night with that dildo. I told her I was trying to connect with her, to be included in this ritual.
This went on for several days. Each morning I would believe her, that I was having some sort of psychotic episode. But there were times that I thought she was next to me masturbating, that she was downstairs. I believe the drugs were involved as well.
I've never been able to find proof. But the toys she was using were high-end, unique and new. I heard them repeatedly, I memorized how they sounded. I started researching toys online. I went to Seductions and listened to some. I knew one of them was a rabbit, or based on a rabbit. I told them what I was “looking for.” It had to be discreet, and whisper quiet. It had to have a circular function. It was probably some sort of rabbit, and was dual action. I had already zeroed in on the Jopen line. And when I heard the Jopen Vanity 10.5 and 11, I was certain. The sound was spot-on. It was one of those, and probably the 10.5. Because it's just slightly bigger than me, the 11 was definitely much bigger, and she had always said my 7 3/4” penis was a little too big (before her hysterectomy I had to be careful not to bruise her cervix with it). There was another one too. I can't remember the name of it, but it's a vibrator shaped like a small animal and also one of the award winners and very expensive.
She had said that if she “was the guilty one,” that she was doing it in her sleep. That she wasn't aware of it. Then why weren't these very expensive items in with our other toys? How could she have gotten them, brought them home, secreted them away, and not know anything about them?
I recorded her. It wasn't hard. She wasn't trying to hide anything. She just wouldn't admit to anything. But because of all the background noises (fan, the noisemaker I made for her, two refrigerators and my VPAP machine), I had trouble making the sound so obvious that she couldn't see room for doubt. Deniability.
One morning I sat down with audigy and pulled out some sounds. They weren't ambiguous to me. There were gasps and moans. The fan to our central heat. Noises from the cell phone covering parts where she got particularly involved and loud, because that's when I would move it closer to her. I created a loop, wrote her a note on some poster board and left for work. When I got home she said she didn't hear anything and threatened suicide. I took off early from work that day because I was exhausted, having had very little sleep due to her constant unisexual gymnastics. She was dead on the floor. I called 911, and they instructed me in CPR until they arrived a few minutes later. But she almost died.
Since then, I have avoided accusing her. It's become like an arms race. She discovers how the fans protect her, and times her gasps with the VPAP. Or masturbates loudly until I start stirring. I would sit there and pretend to be asleep, even snoring. I quit recording her and destroyed all of my copies. I started looking for the toys.
Long story short, I promised that I would stop accusing her. I vacillated between a conviction that I was not imagining things, to a sorrowful, guilty acceptance of “guilt.” Last night it came to a head. I told her that I didn't know what was true and what wasn't. She said that I'm always accusing her of something she didn't do. I told her she's doing the same for me.
When I say she cried, well she did. A lot. But it was grief. Like your child got molested by OJ Simpson who slit his throat when he was done. Not annoyed but concerned because her husband is experiencing psychotic episodes.
Today, Christmas Eve, she's mad at me. She's going to stay mad at me for the next couple of weeks so Christmas is not going to be the grand affair I had hoped for. Because my daughter-in-law is spending the holiday with us while her husband serves in Afghanistan, I'm sure I won't hear her all over the house. But she will keep me awake, you can bet money on that.
What am I going to do?
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