[renaissance_man]

I am REALLY searching for help in this matter, because it's been a hot topic of mine for months now...

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over a year now, and I truly couldn't be happier. However, when it comes to our sex life, we stand on opposite poles on a lot of issues--particularly, pleasing ourselves.

I masturbate. Not a lot, but occasionally. And that bothers her a great deal--so much that she says that if I don't stop, she won't engage with me sexually.

Any time this topic comes up, I explain my rationale, and she explains hers...but we always end up at a complete stalemate, and we both lay there irritated...

I've explained to her that pleasing myself is completely natural, that it's difficult holding on to the sexual tension since we live an hour away from each other and see each other every two weeks if we're lucky, and that I do it because I miss her touch. She's explained to me that she thinks it's immature for anyone to do it (she described it as a "high school thing"), that me doing it makes her feel like I'm cheating on her, and that I must not need her sexually if I continue to do it.

I've told her so many times that masturbating is not like cheating, and that I would never even do such a thing like that. I've also told her that I prefer whatever she does to me over my own hand. But no matter what I say, she still holds this view.

If I could paint a picture of our sex life, it would look like this:

- neither of us have engaged in vaginal sex
- I haven't been sexually active (apart from pleasing myself) before dating her
- she is my very first girlfriend; she has had many boyfriends (no more than 5, based on the stories she shared with me)
- nights when we're together and sexually active usually involve me using hands and mouth to please her; she usually uses
hands to please me
-she doesn't like to engage in oral sex (she is not fond of my pre-ejaculate)
- I often find myself pleasing her more than she pleases me, on average (e.g. just a few weekends ago, she spent the night at
my place Friday and Saturday night--over the course of the weekend, I had performed oral sex four times, while she used
hands to make me orgasm once, on Sunday morning)
- she does not masturbate (never has, and refuses to)
- she may have never had an orgasm (usually, there's a point where I'm performing oral sex and she prompts me to stop before
she climaxes--she told me she was saving her orgasm for her husband)
- whenever we're alone, she asks me if I've been "good" before engaging in any sexual acts with me ("good" meaning not
masturbating whatsoever while we're apart--if I tell her that I haven't been "good," she reconsiders doing anything with me
sexually)

This whole debate came about today because she and I were having a conversation about whether or not she really has had an orgasm yet, as I told her that over the year that I've been giving oral sex to her, she hasn't cum. She was disappointed to hear it, and I told her that the only way she'll know if she's ever had an orgasm before was if she masturbated herself. She was all for this method at first, but after reminding her that she's ostracized me over the past year for doing it and asking how she had a change of heart so quickly, not only did she forget her plans about masturbating, but she got mad at me because she suddenly remembered how much it hurt her for me to do it.

I am writing not only so I can get opinions on this matter, but maybe even to understand where she's coming from. This issue is really stressing the both of us out, and I just want it to end.

[lcj14]

I personally find masturbation to be completely and totally healthy. I am a girl and masturbate fairly regularly. I cannot even comprehend feeling like my boyfriend cheated on me by masturbating. So I don't really know where she is coming from on that one, at all. I think her asking you to stop masturbating is way too extreme, especially since your sex life is hardly active. She is aware of the concept of "blue balls" right? Of course I am more liberal on this subject, I can't even comprehend being with someone for over a year and not engaging in vaginal intercourse. Of course one factor that could be helpful is how old you guys are?
Also, if she is so limited as to what she will do for you, it is mean of her to take away what you can do for yourself! She basically asking you to totally repress your biological urges, which can be detrimental to your mental health. They use the term "sexual frustration" for a reason: you feel really flustered and frustrated when you are too sexually repressed.
Hope this helps!

[jns]

I think I would rather have a gf who did not go for premarital sex or foreplay, yet told me all the things she would do to me after marriage. It seems your gf has a lot of rules. The rulebook might get thrown out after having her first orgasm. OTOH it might not. She sounds controlling.

[Bladyn'smommy16]

I don't really understand her reasoning and how old is she are you guys in your teens because this would make a little more sense if you guys were like in high school because her views on masterbation are every old worldly or very immature. I mean its not cheating and are you watching porn while doing it ? maybe thats her problem if you are. But if your not I really don't understand I mean she is not willing to please you sexually. So what other choice would you have

[renaissance_man]

to the readers:

-she and I are in our early 20's
-I don't watch porn while doing it
-and yes, she has heard of blue balls...lol

[Bladyn'smommy16]

Wow then I don't understand.

[lcj14]

Yeah I am definitely at a loss of words, too. Her logic makes no sense to me! I think she may just be a little immature and can't deal with sexual stuff. If she comes from a really conservative background then I can sort of understand why she has so many issues toward sex, but it is more of a her problem than a you problem. Maybe the two of you could consider counseling on the subject? It might help you both to hear a professional's opinion on the matter.

[Bladyn'smommy16]

I agree counseling would be the step to take if shell do it because no amount of advice anyone gives you is going to help if she isn't willing to change

[time2discover]

I agree with the views here, but therapy includes admitting you have issues to deal with and she seems to think she doesn't. She probably needs to figure out what sex is really about. Maybe you could get her to read things from a womans point of view so to understand there isn't a straight line of do's and don'ts in life.

[JonDoe]

In my opinion and speaking from personal experience, the only time masturbating feels like cheating is in a long-term relationship when one partner withholds intimacy from the other partner for an extended period of time, yet satisfies her (or his) own sexual needs. Ironically, I just had a long talk with my wife of 22 years this morning about this very subject before reading your post.

Your situation is different because one or both of you believe strongly in saving yourself for marriage, which is admirable. A belief in saving oneself for marriage isn't shared unanimously, and isn't achieved by all that set that standard for themselves, but it should be honored and respected in a relationship if you truly love your partner.

However, denying the other partner any form of sexual satisfaction, fulfillment and exploration is naive, controlling and manipulative, unless both partners consent to this. For your relationship to be healthy, fulfilling and successful, she needs to be considerate of your needs too. This is a big deal for you, and she she be considerate and understanding; otherwise, perhaps this relationship is not meant to be.

Whatever you do, please do not make the mistake of thinking this will resolve itself after you have married, because these type of relationship issues are not resolved without open communication, understanding, respect, compassion and compromise by both partners.

I genuinely wish you both the best of luck!