[MamaaCorydoras]

Thanks again everyone. I know this is very bad and mistrusting of me, but I ended up going on his facebook to see a conversation between him and a friend that I know he tells everything to. Im reading that hes actually the one saying the fire is gone. When he first started university he was a year above me so I was still in high school, this is how he met this friend. And they both made a pact to try and make two girls fall for them just as a joke to lead them on.Horrible I know, this what 3 odd years ago. She moved universities because she knew that I was going to the same one the following year, since she clearly had feelings for my boyfriend.

Im reading him say that ' I should have gone there, but I have a girlfriend', 'Image what it would be like to have her hide in my cloest', 'sometimes I wish I was single'.

This is killing me. But of course I cant openly tell him I wen through his messages...
Even his friend is telling him 'But you're really lucky to have her, shes good to you and youve told me how she pleases you' and stuff like that... But all he can say is 'Yea, we play games together, shes pretty cool'.

I want to cry really hard. I want to tell him that Ive seen these messages and I want to know what the deal is. I know he would never accept me saying ANYTHING like this. What do I do? Why is he so nice to my face, but makes me look like such a self-centred person, like Im the one whos NOT GIVING HIM BLOWJOBS TWICE A DAY!!

Please help me, Im starting to feel confused and so unworthy. Im not looking for a sympathy vote, are there any men out there who understand? I feel like he cant be in a relationship. Hes already said to me I would love to have had sex with more women before I settled down, but now its too late.... PLEASE HELP!!

[rcoreyus]

What you've seen can't be unseen, and I don't think this can be repaired.. I think you would be happier if you ended this, don't tell him about your snooping, just let him know that you are unhappy and want out .

[Sunlight72]

Hi Mamaa, here's the deal;

To be healthy You need to find a way to be happy Yourself. For Yourself. By Yourself, and t.h.e.n. with someone else. I know it sounds crazy, but through years of heart-ache I have learned, finally, the Truth. I'm now happy each day in the best relationship of my life I've learned a lot!! I am sorry for your hurt, and I hope either I can help, or someone else here or in your life can help you figure this out and get you to build your life in a good, stronger way.

You are currently seeking happiness first through your relationship, "I want to tell him that I've seen these messages and I want to know what the deal is". You know what the deal is, and if you think by confronting him with this he is suddenly going to be honest with you, you are wrong my dear. I know you want to confront him with this and have him realize what a great woman he has right in front of him and become wistful and sweet and apologize and love you, but honey, it ain't gonna happen. You aren't going to find lasting contentment through any actions in this relationship any longer.

To be healthy, the first thing you should want is to be safe, trusted, respected, and taken into consideration. If it turns out that the only person to do this is you, that's Much Better than no one (including you) doing it. You should expect this level of respect and love from anyone Before they are blessed by a relationship with you. When it stops, the relationship is o.v.e.r.

Right now, you are gazing longingly at your boyfriend, and wishing he were loving you, but he is not. The problem with this (Ironically) is that when your boyfriend looks at you he does not see you having fun and going places and then want to be invited along to do those things. If you are living a life .alongside. of your relationship with him, he will gain respect and possibly attraction for you.

Instead he sees you looking at him for fun, for your fulfillment, for your happiness. You might think this would be positive, as it shows how you care for him. Unfortunately, it is bad, bad, bad. It has caused him to lose respect for you, and no one is attracted to someone they don't respect.

Don't feel guilty about looking at his Facebook conversations. He is Not being honest with you. You need to be Honest with yourself, and you needed better information to know where to go. Now you've got the info. Now you go.

Sorry kid, and you need to reflect on this certainly. I don't know the whole situation personally like you do, but unless there is a lot of rosy stuff you're leaving out, this is hurting you and getting worse.

You are not married! You don't owe him! You must see to yourself I am serious!

One thing I learned (after grinding through 2 different 5 years relationships while growing apart over most of that time) is .... duh-duh-duh-daaaa ...
How your relationship is today, how it is this week, is all there is. You should plan your future (think 4 years ahead) as if this is as good as it will ever get. Be Honest with yourself. Is this good for you? Are you happy? Is your boyfriend happy with you? No. No. No. Time to go.

You don't need to explain much to him sweetpea - he hasn't been very forthright with you. If he's not attracted to you he should tell you. He should not keep accepting sexual favors if he doesn't want the relationship to grow. That is rude and cheap. Time to go.

I am being frank in the hope that you can see more clearly what is up in your world. I don't mean to be hard, but it looks to me like this is where you are now. Don't drag it out. Start re-building your life, and start with your self-respect by leaving.

Don't tease yourself by believing his pleading when you say you're leaving - he's had time to prove he values you, and instead his actions have proven he does not. Don't tease him either. When you say you're leaving, it should be with your bag in hand, or even from your girlfriend's house after you've left. You can not successfully negotiate this from inside his home. You must be on your own to be clear-minded and strong enough to decide what to do with your future.

Best Wishes,
Sunlight

P.S. Oh - and you wanted a man's perspective? I'm a 41-year-old man, and (much to my regret) have been divorced twice because I was not honest with myself and did not respect myself. I valued my relationships more than I valued my own sanity and self-worth.

Don't you do it to yourself honey! The stage is set for it to just get worse. Why should it get better if you don't make it better?