[JonDoe]

My wife asked me "Why can't you be content with intimacy 2-3 times per month?" And then proceeded to tell me that anything more just isn't reality. Is she right? Am I off my rocker think a couple in their forties could and should be more intimate?

[jns]

She is right because she is in control of your reality. Other couples in their 40's could more or less intimate, depending on what they have negotiated with each other. As I've often stated, the person in a relationship who wants sex the least is in control of that part of the relationship.

[JonDoe]

I hear you and I understand, even if I don't like it, but when she said it isn't reality, she means for all married couples, not just us. In fact, she asked me to name one couple that we know that has sex more frequently than 2-3 timer per month.

[JonDoe]

And if the reality is that she controls how often I can have sex, then shouldn't I be able to control how much I help around the house and for her to be fine with that reality?

[HisGirl]

I'm sorry for your situation. Every couple's reality is different though. I don't think 2-3 times a month is everyone's reality and I don't think she can speak for everyone. We're not that old, my husband is 42 and I'm 35. Been together 18 years (married for 13 of those). We enjoy each other 3-5 times a week. I'd die with only 2-3 times a month.

[jns]

I think your wife has made it abundantly clear that your work around the house is not tied to increased sex. From posts on this forum, I have never seen a case where increased working around the house has automatically meant an increase in sex. It may mean that the person formerly doing a lot of the house work has more time and less stress, so after a while they may be in the mood more. This is only in some cases or a few cases. But it isn't a direct effect or quid pro quo. If it was a direct effect it sounds like bartering for sex. Most people do not want to go there.

If you are doing the majority of the work around the house, maybe it is time to renegotiate that aspect of your relationship.

What are the other aspects of your marriage that aren't being shared equally that aren't balanced by other aspects?

[JonDoe]

I'm sorry for your situation. Every couple's reality is different though. I don't think 2-3 times a month is everyone's reality and I don't think she can speak for everyone. We're not that old, my husband is 42 and I'm 35. Been together 18 years (married for 13 of those). We enjoy each other 3-5 times a week. I'd die with only 2-3 times a month.

A part of me has died a slow, gradual death over the years.

[Stillness]

She's not married to other couples. She's married to you. What they do or don't do in their bedrooms has nothing to do with yours.

This is life 101. It's what our parents tell us and what we tell our children when the objection to a request or instructions has to do with what someone else has going on. If the other couples jumped off a cliff would she want to do it to?

[LisaW1991]

If she only wants sex a couple times a month, I am surprise she wants sex at all. I personally like sex several times a week at least.

[lissy73]

If she only wants sex a couple times a month, I am surprise she wants sex at all. I personally like sex several times a week at least.

I'm going to disagree on this one. Just because someone 'only' wants sex a few times a month, you are surprised she wants it at all? Unfortunately 'life' and 'reality' get in the way. Maybe due to work, kids, life, stress etc. she only has time for that much. Everyone is different and has different things going on in their lives from time to time.