[rcoreyus]

Mismatched interests in sex are a huge problem in a relationship. I spent 25 years in a marriage where my wife rarely wanted sex, gradually decreased from once a week to once every few months. It put stress on every other part of our relationship. She started to think that every nice thing I did for her was to try to convince her to have sex. I felt that she was using sex only as a "reward" for doing more work. I've posted lots on this before, but basically this is poison to a good relationship.

A year or two ago everything changed - and I still don't know why. Now she is happy to have sex several times a week, with lots of cuddling and kissing inbetween. We are BOTH much happier - completely transformed how our lives are together. We are in our 50's so, yes it is possible for an older couple to be intimate a lot of the time.

Since I don't know what changed, I have no suggestions to make on how you can improve things. Sadly all I can recommend is that if you can't fix this right away, you should leave. If things don't get better you will just be stuck in a relationship where both of you are miserable. You would both be happier if you found someone with a similar level of interest.

[HisGirl]

What a great turnaround Rcoreyus. Glad for you. I cannot and never will understand how one partner who's committed to the other can neglect his needs repeatedly like that. I mean you have this person who wants you and desires you and how do you turn them away time after time? The hurt and resentment that builds up must be devastating emotionally. You're supposed to love this person and build them up, not tear them down. Not to mention the hit your self esteem must take. I really can't wrap my head around it.

[rcoreyus]

I don't understand it either. She has also never been able to explain why, or why it changed - of course I haven't pushed. You find a lot of people on this forum in this situation. Very few who do not want to be intimate with their partners - but presumably if they aren't interested in intimacy, they don't read forums like this.

There are of course cases where someone doesn't want to be intimate because of the behavior of their partner, but that seems to be the minority.

[jvincze]

Tell her she is dreaming and delusional, I'm 53 and wife is 50 and we make love 3 x times per week and have done so since we where married 31 years ago.

[JonDoe]

I'd have a much easier time understanding her not wanting to have sex more often if I was a selfish lover or if I wasn't able to bring her to orgasm, but nothing could be further from the truth.

[Stillness]

I'd have a much easier time understanding her not wanting to have sex more often if I was a selfish lover or if I wasn't able to bring her to orgasm, but nothing could be further from the truth.

No disrespect, but it seems that one of you is selfish and it's not you.

One of the things that helped me in my relationship is to be able to identify what is. It doesn't grant full understanding, but it clears some things up and gives a certain peace. Before, my wife had me scrambling to change. Do more housework, be more spiritual, do more X, be more Y. I was doing all this stuff trying to be the man that she'd want a lot of sex with but never having the sex. I was like a dog chasing my tail or like a hamster on a wheel - confused as to why I was moving, but getting nowhere.

Every time I'd complain about the lack of affection she'd talk about my "lack" of something. Months or years would go by with me trying to do better and succeeding in many aspects, but no change in my sex life.

On another thread I mentioned how in my other relationships, both romantic and platonic, my experience was that women are highly sexual. I figured that's how women were. The fact that mine wasn't wanting sex with me and her bringing up issues that I had must mean that I'm the problem, right? Wrong. This site enlightened me. It changed my life. I read all of the women and men who were dealing with the same problem. There were minor differences, but certain threads were common. One of them is the blame game.

you only want sex
if you did more X I'd want more sex
you're selfish
you want too much
it's the way you approach me for sex
sex is not the most important thing in life
other people aren't doing it as much as you want
you're a pervert/sl_t/hound/hornball/etc

All of this = "It's not me. It's you." I really don't think it's necessarily intentional. I think that there's some kind of mental disconnect preventing the person from dealing with the fact that they're failing their mate on a very basic level. When the issue is brought up, the mind searches for why, but can't accept that their own lack plays a role, so it must be something the other person is doing or not doing. I remember one time my wife said, "I thought we were OK." It broke my heart because she sounded so forlorn. She had ignored me for years over which we had had multiple discussions and even a huge falling out over me substituting with pornography. But somehow it was a shock to her that I was frustrated.

If you love your mate and have been taking on the guilt, you get good at being at fault. So the next time it came up in discussion I actually found it difficult to open her eyes. But I did. Here is what I told her: "No, it is not me. It's us. I have a strong sex drive. You do not. We're sexually incompatible. It doesn't make either of us bad people."

I was patient and gentle and I discussed, but I did not back down. I didn't blame her, but now I have knowledge. Knowledge is power. No more carrot-and-stick games this way, Brother.