[NEKROS]

NEKROS, please tell us how the accident happened.

Hi Jns,

I was on a winding road and hit a sheet of black ice. I lost control of the car and hit a tree . My head went through the windshield. Physically, I am fine from the car accident accept for the brain damage. It took a few years of therapy to make the left side of my brain "learn" things that my right hemisphere lost . I am an artist , as such I used the right side where most people used the left in everyday functions. The other damages were to my frontal lobe. I will be taking medication for the rest of my life to stop brain seizures that the frontal lobe gets every day. An example of a seizure is: When I am having one, I see/hallucinate things that aren't there. One night I was having a brain seizure and thought my wife was an old witch. I started choking her.........

I also had an orbital fracture (eye socket) which healed fine...

Looks wise I have no major scars or anything to repulse her. .....

[HisGirl]

NEKROS, your story is truly heartbreaking. She says you love her too much? I don't think that's possible. She's been through hell. Can you two get into counseling or therapy or have you done that?

[NEKROS]

NEKROS, your story is truly heartbreaking. She says you love her too much? I don't think that's possible. She's been through hell. Can you two get into counseling or therapy or have you done that?

Hi His Girl,
Thank you very much for that. Three years ago we went for counseling. The results were positive so we stopped going. However, we didn't keep up with it after going about a year. I told her last week I would like to start going again, she said although willing to go...." she didn't see the point in it."

[jns]

I think she is still blaming you for the accident as well as your bad behavior. The accident changed everything for quite some time and still has an effect.

I'm also thinking that her sexual desires may have changed and how you treated her is an easy excuse to get you to back off.

Even though she says she loves you, it may be that she doesn't. She stayed with you through an accident that was at the beginning of your relationship with her. She stayed when you were abusive. She stayed at those times because of loyalty as much as anything else. For many people it's hard to walk away when someone is sick or injured (not that I'm saying that they should). It doesn't sound like there was any time for long lasting love to develop. There was only part of the "so in love" period. She may truly view you as a very close friend instead of a lover and thus her reactions in bed are genuine.

If she is staying mostly because of loyalty and familiarity, she is doing neither one of you a favor.

[Stillness]

I am perplexed as to how to start the healing process within her.

You can't. It's like an abrasion on the skin. It heals from the inside. If the person keeps picking at it, it stays open. They have to want to leave it alone and let it get better.

[jns]

NEKROS, any updates?

[NEKROS]

I think she is still blaming you for the accident as well as your bad behavior. The accident changed everything for quite some time and still has an effect.

I'm also thinking that her sexual desires may have changed and how you treated her is an easy excuse to get you to back off.

Even though she says she loves you, it may be that she doesn't. She stayed with you through an accident that was at the beginning of your relationship with her. She stayed when you were abusive. She stayed at those times because of loyalty as much as anything else. For many people it's hard to walk away when someone is sick or injured (not that I'm saying that they should). It doesn't sound like there was any time for long lasting love to develop. There was only part of the "so in love" period. She may truly view you as a very close friend instead of a lover and thus her reactions in bed are genuine.

If she is staying mostly because of loyalty and familiarity, she is doing neither one of you a favor.

It has taken me a long time to absorb what you have written...
It is pretty hard to read it even though it makes much sense... (maybe that is why) . I honestly don't know in what way she loves me. All I do know is that we have been together so many years and it hurts very much for me.... I love her like crazy. The strangest things do happen between us however, things like:

I feel we have replaced sex with massages... Not that I mind giving & getting massages regularly BUT they have become the only form of closeness between us unfortunately.

She has absolutely no signs of jealousy... As a matter of fact , if I make a comment like " the girl in Dunkin Donuts is cute...." She tells me to "go for it". I don't know if she is just confident that I would never cheat on her or if she really doesn't care.... I sometimes do this to try to feel wanted by her. I would love for her to be just a bit possessive or jealous of me.

Sometimes I try my hardest to do something to please her, for instance the other day I trimmed my mustache & goatee the way she says she likes it. Her reaction was that it looked good but it now made the hair on my head look too long & wild & I should also wax my eyebrows too. In the past I have embarrassed to admit to everyone- shaved everything on my person because that is what she likes. I am an Italian ( we are pretty known to be a little hairier than most) She for the last few years has expressed a hatred of hair . So I had started to keep things trim for her. When that didn't work I would then try shaving everything... AND NOTHING.... She never even asked to see it when I mentioned to her that I did it...

She is my best friend & the love of my life...... I am at a complete loss at what to do for her to want me. I haven't gained a pound since we met....(which is hard to keep my weight for her) ... I just don't know what to do.

[NEKROS]

You can't. It's like an abrasion on the skin. It heals from the inside. If the person keeps picking at it, it stays open. They have to want to leave it alone and let it get better.

It makes alot of sense.... Back then I destroyed many items of hers (sentimental in nature) During my rages... I have tried to either replace them or fix them however, she prefers them as they be. I really feel they are kept to remind her of the things I have done to her... As you stated.

Thanks, I agree.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Nekros

I know of a man that also had / has brain damage. He gets short sometimes, things trigger and he has to be right.. When with this person, I act as if he is right and get him to prove it, he will just state " oh I know what you are doing" and eventually we laugh..

This person should never have recovered.. But against all odds he did and he's a beautiful soul..

Holding onto resentment is not good for anyone. Two years together, being intimate to the hilt and then being hit with a hammer, destroying everything about you two, she sounds as if she has closed of as she doesn't want to be hurt again.

I am thinking that you need to find a book on someone who has gone through something simular and google and find more stories. I think if she was to read about the condition and therefore, slowly let the light bulb go off that it was beyond your control, she may very well come back around again.

Also, with all your need for love from her, one can become needy, understandable as well.

I'd start dressing up always, leaving the house for short periods, still show love but also show confusion of that, reverse physcology so that she can wonder, and revert back to remember what she had before.

Often if we get needy, the other person feels it, senses it and doesn't like it..

The longer you don't have sex, don't sleep together, the easier it is to live without it for a woman and harder it is to feel...

But, you have to start somewhere.

Be proud. You have gotten through a major block in your life. Don't feel that it's useless, there is always an answer, you just have to find it.

[EricNYU]

The one thing I learned from my marriage is that you can't heal someone who doesn't want to heal. Your wife doesn't want to let go of her anger. My ex has a lot of problems, addiction, self- destructive behavior, sexual frigidity. I thought I could "fix" her. After 5 years of banging my head against a wall, I finally gave up. I'm not saying you should give up, just that you can't fix someone who's not ready to be fixed. It's gotta come from her. It could take years or it might not happen at all.