[Accountant]

This is my first post. I joined this site specifically to seek help with this particular issue.

My husband and I have been married four years. I feel our sex life is fairly healthy -- we have sex at least weekly, sometimes more.

I am very much more open minded about sex than my husband. I watch porn regularly (without him), I'd be open to multiple partners if he were, etc...But my husband is so withdrawn about sex, he can hardly talk about our own sex life to me without becoming visibly uncomfortable. While our sex life is satisfying and healthy, I have become resentful of him because he has no desire to "do it" any differently. We have sex the same way EVERY SINGLE TIME! And, even more frustrating, I do most of the work. I love my husband, and I love pleasing him. But being the dominant partner almost makes me feel masculine, and having to initiate and do all the work from start to finish makes me feel he doesn't want me enough to put forth any effort.

I have asked him if he ever wants to change anything in the bed. He says he enjoys how we do it now, and he doesn't want to do anything differently. Unfortunately, this is NOT going to work for me much longer. If anything is going to change, though, I know I will have to be the one to initiate any change.

So, my question is this: Has anyone had any experience trying to convince their unadventurous spouse to try something new in the sack? How do I go about this without making him feel uncomfortable? What should I say if he says no?

Any input would be appreciated. Thank you!

[rcoreyus]

I was always more adventurous than my wife. Recently (after 25 years) she has opened up quite a bit, but still is considerably more limited then me in the range of things she wants to try. Early on I didn't like to even ask since I would get turned down in unpleasant ways, variations on "why would I want to do that.....". Now its much better, now I can ask without her getting offended - though I'm still very reluctant to ask for some things.

I know this doesn't help, just letting you know that other people are in the same boat. Maybe someone else has some useful input.

[Accountant]

I was always more adventurous than my wife. Recently (after 25 years) she has opened up quite a bit, but still is considerably more limited then me in the range of things she wants to try. Early on I didn't like to even ask since I would get turned down in unpleasant ways, variations on "why would I want to do that.....". Now its much better, now I can ask without her getting offended - though I'm still very reluctant to ask for some things.

I know this doesn't help, just letting you know that other people are in the same boat. Maybe someone else has some useful input.

I appreciate that. It's nice to be reassured I am not the only one who struggles with this. I've been given the guilt trip of "Why would you want to do THAT?" also, so I guess I'm trying to figure out how to deal with/avoid that. =)

[LisaW1991]

WOW...Since I am not married, its hard for me to imagine what I might do in that situation. As a single person, I would stop dating that person because of sexual incompatibility and being left sexual unsatisfied. Its my sexual experience its impossible to change another person sexual interest in sex, if they only want sex a certain way and only so often, then its accept it or move on. That is, as you have stated, efforts to try new things are consistently refused. It may not be a deal breaker for you, but it would be a deal breaker for me (and a lot of other people).

What is puzzling is that you say you're sex life is satisfying, yet everything you wrote suggests you are very unsatisfied with your sex life. If you are truly satisfied, then why would you want\need more than that? Maybe you really meant sex was bland, and you need more than bland.

[rcoreyus]

These things are complicated. These days I'd say my sex life is excellent - my wife and I spend a lot of time in very enjoyable intimate activities. There are some things I would like to do and can't, but you will never find anyone who exactly matches your interest. From there it is a gradual slope to a situation where one partner has a much wider range of interests than the other and feels that they are missing out on an important part of their lives.

[Accountant]

WOW...Since I am not married, its hard for me to imagine what I might do in that situation. As a single person, I would stop dating that person because of sexual incompatibility and being left sexual unsatisfied. Its my sexual experience its impossible to change another person sexual interest in sex, if they only want sex a certain way and only so often, then its accept it or move on. That is, as you have stated, efforts to try new things are consistently refused. It may not be a deal breaker for you, but it would be a deal breaker for me (and a lot of other people).

What is puzzling is that you say you're sex life is satisfying, yet everything you wrote suggests you are very unsatisfied with your sex life. If you are truly satisfied, then why would you want\need more than that? Maybe you really meant sex was bland, and you need more than bland.

There is more to a relationship than sex. There's no way I would leave my husband because he's a little boring. Just because the dessert is not the greatest, doesn't mean you stop going to the restaurant.

Our sex life is satisfying to me, because...well... I'M GETTING SEX. =] I'm happy about that. I know there are a lot of people who don't get that, and I'm grateful for mine.

My dilemma is he is so timid about everything. I'm **slightly** dissatisfied in bed, because we do things the same way every single time. I need a little more mental/physical stimulation. I also think opening up and being honest with one another will translate to other areas of our relationship, and we have a really great chance to connect mentally at a deeper level.

I have no experience approaching anyone about this issue. I'm very open about sex myself, so I worry that I will say something to hurt his feelings by suggesting he is not enough for me, he is boring, etc. In the past, I have asked, but I don't think he took me seriously enough. Maybe I should just be more persistent.

[HisGirl]

Accountant, I feel like I could have written your post. (except the part about watching porn and the threesome). Though my husband and I have sex several times a week, and we have several favorite positions and we enjoy what we do, I feel like I want it way more than he does. And I would definitely like more variety- like doing it outside the bedroom for a change. He says he's happy with things the way they are. I would be much happier with twice as much. This creates the same unwanted feelings in me as it does in you. I can’t help but feel undesirable many times.

I wish I could give you some meaningful suggestions, but I’m in a very similar place. I will be watching this thread to see if anyone offers help.

[Accountant]

Accountant, I feel like I could have written your post. (except the part about watching porn and the threesome). Though my husband and I have sex several times a week, and we have several favorite positions and we enjoy what we do, I feel like I want it way more than he does. And I would definitely like more variety- like doing it outside the bedroom for a change. He says he's happy with things the way they are. I would be much happier with twice as much. This creates the same unwanted feelings in me as it does in you. I can’t help but feel undesirable many times.

I wish I could give you some meaningful suggestions, but I’m in a very similar place. I will be watching this thread to see if anyone offers help.

I'm terribly sorry you are going through something similar. I can't help but be a little selfish, though, and be glad you spoke up. It feels nice to hear another woman say I'm not alone! =]

I struggle with my self esteem very much. I understand feeling undesirable. Something I have come to understand, though, is that for me, my ideal sex life/partner has not only been created by my own sex drive, but by the media. I have been trained to think men are insatiable creatures that think about sex all day long. Men should be conquerors in the bedroom. Men should dominate. This expectation has made it hard to deal with the fact that my husband isn't like that. I just assume all other husbands are out there pouncing on their wives every night.

I get frustrated that I have to be the one to initiate encounters and new ideas, but maybe that isn't the most terrible thing on Earth. I'm looking at this as a chance to have a deeper connection, even though I know it will be frustrating.

I was hoping to find someone who had been in a similar place who had actually went through with exploring with a very inhibited person, but I don't know if that will happen. I plan on just taking the bull by the horns and insisting on something different next time. I'll keep you updated!

[mohithsharma953]

hi accountant

yea something wrong with him. u can take him some different positions. there are many positions are there to have a sex. i had more sex with many gf, every time i had sex in different positions only and its very enjoyable like heaven even im very experienced in all positions. if he cant change the position then u can start with new position then he will do something new.

[rcoreyus]

I think that there is a big difference between turning down new things in bed, and in trying to embarrass the person who suggested them ("why would I want to do that...."). There are a number of things that some people enjoy that I wouldn't want to do, but there is almost nothing that my wife could suggest where I would respond with shock or horror.

If he is only shy in bed, then you may be able to gradually lead him to more interesting things. If he reacts badly to suggestions then it will feel like a mine-field, never knowing what is safe to suggest.

One difficulty is that since I'm quite broad in my interests, I can't put myself in the mindset of someone who is offended by sexual suggestions from their partner. Maybe more useful than information from someone in the same situation as the original poster, would be a post from someone who has been offended by requests in bed to help understand that point of view.