[Cheerios]

I have been dating someone for a few years now. When we first dated we had sex all the time - probably an average of 5 or 6 times a day. No shocker, but that period of our sex life didn't last forever. After about six months it started to decline, and now after six years together, we have sex an average of about four or five times a week. We do not live together or see each other every day either, so basically we are having sex about once each day that we see each other. Once and a while it's twice and once and a while we will go without during a day/night of seeing each other. In my head, that is a healthy amount of sex for a couple. My libido is not as high as it was when we first dated and my actual ideal for sex now would be probably about twice a week. I do more though because I am trying to compromise with him since I know his sex drive is a lot higher than mine. He complains, however, that his ideal is about 5 times a day so really I am not compromising at all compared to him and should therefore give him more sex. He says we have an unhealthy sex life because we have so little sex. He thinks I mislead him when we first dated and set him up to expect a lot more sex. Whenever I am really in the mood and enjoying it while having sex, he immediately assumes afterward that we should do it again (as in, he's out and ready to jump right back in). If I don't want to he pouts and says "but I thought you enjoyed it" or something like that. So I feel like I cannot win because it is never enough with him. If we go twice in one night he asks for a third. I am not upset that he asks for sex, I just do not like that he gets angry with me if I do not want to.

Furthermore, he has pressured me throughout our whole relationship to try anal. I told him that I was sorry but it just wasn't something I wanted to try and he would get mad that I didn't trust him and wouldn't submit to him. This topic came up all of the time. The other day he found out that I had lied to him about something in the past. It wasn't that big of a lie but it was a lie nonetheless and I felt guilty about it. To try and make it up to him I let him have anal sex with me (after six years of saying no). He was gentle for the most part but I still did not like it and told him afterward that I didn't want to do it again. He is still upset with me for lying to him, however, and tells me the only way he will feel better is if I let him do more anal (as in, every night). He even shoved it up my bum the other night while we were having vaginal intercourse knowing that I did not want him to. I started to cry and shoved him off of me (not the first time something like this has happened).

I feel bad because a) I lied to him about something a few years ago which I shouldn't have and b) he has a point about him having to compromise more than me. Should I force myself to have sex more often than I do now to make more of an even compromise? Is it ok that he is asking for anal in order for me to make up to him? What should I do in my situation?

[Stillness]

Anal sex has nothing to do with lying or even regaining lost trust. Using a mistake your loved ones make to manipulate them is never cool in any kind of relationship. I can understand if someone feels betrayed because of a lie, but normally they might pull away, express anger, break up, or otherwise make it clear that trust has been violated. They don't try to force you to do something that hurts you. Not If they love you. And if he was really hurt by you, why would that make him want to have sex with you in your butt?

I doubt he even cares much. He's just using it as leverage.

[MissterDog]

Get out NOW. He is a manipulative, selfish and spoiled brat who only cares about himself. This is no longer a caring relationship and it is abusive. He is not the person worth staying with if he's willing to disregard your feelings and use excuses to hurt you for petty reasons. From what you've written, it's only going to get worse. Please, for your safety, leave before he does any more damage to you.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

We do not live together or see each other every day either, so basically we are having sex about once each day that we see each other

.

I know that you've been with him 6 years and loads of people have a lot of sex at the beginning at some point a female in my opinion if that is all it is, feels like a sex object and I get the feeling you may feel that way, as intimacy is meant to be exactly what you feel, great, a bond, good sex.. But that does not give anyone a green light to demand more, put you down or make you feel in-adequate that is using.

A relationship has compassion, understanding and definitely you should never do something you don't want to do ever.

It's your body.

I would like to ask you something. You mention that you still have sex 4 -5 times a week and that it is based on the times he visits you or you him, and it's once each time (day).

Do you go out? Does he take you out for dinner? Do you laugh together? What does he buy you for your birthday, Christmas, are you both saving together, does his live with his parents or on his own.

And, 6 years ... together .. What conversations are had regarding engagement, marriage.

Lots of questions but I think we need more information as well to give you advise regarding the "guilt".

CW

[Cheerios]

Currently I work weekends and he doesn't so it is hard for us to go out, but sometimes during the week we will get dinner together or something which he typically pays for (he makes a lot more money than me). We go to the movies about once every other month but he often complains afterward that we only do what I want to do because I am the one who loves to go to the movies. I offer to meet him at friends houses when I get out of work on the weekends but he says I won't have fun (because I don't really drink) so he'll just leave and meet me at his place or whatever. We do laugh sometimes together. We think some of the same shows are funny and it is nice to watch those with him because he is typically laughing a lot during. He gets me very nice, thoughtful gifts for holidays. Honestly, he is a better gift giver than I am because he is better at surprising me with something I want but don't expect. We are sort of just getting to that point in life (careerwise) where we can think about saving so we haven't really started yet but we've talked about it. We do talk about marriage and our future. I don't think either of us is ready for that right now though but I 100% know he plans on marrying me.

I just get confused sometimes with him about whether or not the way he is treating me is ok. I know that sounds dumb but it is hard to tell sometimes because he is great in a lot of ways and does a lot of great things for me. He can read me better than I can read him and he is a better listener than I am. He is just very pushy with sex and he often makes me feel bad about myself for not having sex often enough or for not giving him enough attention (another big issue with us). I can be arrogant sometimes so I'm not sure how much of our problems are my fault but I just can't see it.

[EricNYU]

If anal's off the table, it's off the table. I wouldn't get off forcing it or guilting it on someone who didn't want it, no matter how much I wanted to do it. He's a dominant personality. That's not going to change. He probably gets off on getting his way knowing its not what you want. You'll have sex once a day and he wants it 5 times a day? That a big mismatch. Rethink this relationship, it doesn't sound healthy.

[rcoreyus]

Using something in your past to pressure you into doing something sexual that you don't want is wrong. Its OK to do a sexual favor out of love, or desire to please, but not out of guilt. Much worse, having anal when he knew you didn't want it, and without warning is very bad, tending towards rape.

He wants a lot of sex. 5X/day I don't know how he finds time to do anything else. Nothing fundamentally wrong with that but its unusual and he needs to find someone with similar interests.

As far as the relationship: Are you happy? Not do you think you should be happy, but are you actually happy? The answer to that will tell you a lot about what you should do next.

[Obelisk]

As a guy, I cannot understand what the heck other guys see in anal sex. Just the thought of it makes me sick.

As for sex, that guy has problems. If I could have sex once a day, or once every other day I'd be extremely happy. Wanting to have sex 5x a day means the guy has hormonal imbalances and should go see a doctor.

I'd be happy with twice a week, and I consider myself to have a higher sex drive.

And in general, he sounds like an f'ing tool. If I am with a girl, my priority is that she feels safe and comfortable with me, and knowing what will get her off. I don't have to worry about myself because for me getting off is easy, as it is for most men.

[Cheerios]

Thank you for all of your responses. I posted another thread in the dating section that talks further about why my boyfriend is upset with me. I am very ambivalent about what to do about my relationship so it helps to hear other people's points of views. Thanks again!

[kalinar]

If you lied need to him and it hurt him its not good at all but here him demanding anal reparation?!
You need to get out of this relationship. ..that what he does borderlines rape!