[FortunsFoole]

I feel like I'm so close to just shutting down.

My husband is a very logical person. He's tried explaining to me how his mind works in regards to how pleasure works for him and makes sense to him. Basically he's attracted to me->gets turned on->a little friction->Release/Satisfaction. He says it doesn't make sense to him for it to work any other way. I wish it did.(I don't mean to make him sound cold, he's not.)

It's been over a year for me to reach orgasm with him. It's not for a lack of intimacy. I think maybe he's just given up? For awhile before that it almost seemed like luck that got me to the finish line every now and again. Now it doesn't happen at all. Most of the time he ends up finishing and truly finishing, as in goes to sleep with me left aroused. Sometimes he apologizes before passing out, but usually he just tells me he loves me and goes to sleep. After our most recent conversation this weekend where I tried to explain how frustrating it can be for me to want every aspect of intimacy at least most of the time.. he ended up trying to be with me that night. I was getting very into it--and I can't help but touch him because it turns me on. Well we never even got to sex. I never got close to finishing but highly aroused. He ended up having an orgasm and told me, "I wanted tonight to be all about you, I'm sorry." And then went to sleep. He's not a one and done kind of guy, but he just gave me the usual signal that he was done. I can obviously take the edge off myself and have when it's actually physically painful to be left that aroused... but it makes me really upset that we don't have even a remotely reciprocal sexual relationship

I don't know what to do. How do I talk to him so he doesn't just listen to me, but HEARS me?

I've told him I could be very quick if my mind is fully engaged, that I'm very aural and would love to hear what he's thinking. He says nothing. He can't seem to get away from thinking if he just stimulates me a little bit--everything should happen. When it doesn't, now it just seems like he doesn't care.

It's been so long I'm starting to feel used. I'm just a warm thing to jack off into. I mean even on nights when I know I won't get aroused(Im not going to have him waste his time trying) I'll at least help him with a bj or hj to take the edge off for him.

Any advice for how to get him to understand? Short of leaving him with "blue balls" for a year?

Sometimes he brings up things like bringing in toys or whatever to help. When I've tried to go with him to pick something out he's completely uninterested. When asked if we should look online, maybe he's uncomfortable.. he says it's not that, the toys are for me, not him. I have no desire to use toys if it's not of interest to him-- it's just a means to an end. That just turns me off thinking about it.

Thoughts?

[rcoreyus]

I think the most important thing about being a good lover is to truly enjoy pleasing your partner. He seems to be failing this test. It is true that some men get very sleepy and lose interest, though he should be happy to please you afterwards. If he really can't seem to do things for you after he has an orgasm, then he should do them first. At least give you oral and use fingers first to get you an orgasm. (or does he get so aroused doing that the he has an orgasm without any other stimulation?).

He has suggested toys. Might not be a terrible idea - I don't think it would hurt to try. You could buy something online. Maybe he finds the idea exciting if he suggested it - but maybe not.

I don't think ignoring his needs will help - you don't want to get into a sexual trade sort of relationship - you want him to WANT to please you.


Is he at all adventurous in bed? Does he know what to do to please you, but doesn't do it, or does he now know what to do? Any hits of him being dominant or submissive in bed? If he has a submissive side there are things you could do that you would both enjoy, but definitely not for everyone.

Is he selfish in other ways or just about sex?

Just trying to get a feel for what is going on.

[FortunsFoole]

He'll try to focus on me for a bit. It's almost like he has an internal timer and I have an allotted timeframe. Or maybe he just gets bored or unmotivated to continue. Either way there's just a certain point where he shifts gears and wants his and I guess he just hopes maybe we'll both finish. It's so confusing to me for him to just stop in the middle. He does try oral maybe a few times a year. I've asked him if it's a turn on for him to go down on me. He says it is but that he doesn't feel like he's good at it. I can only assume he doesn't have the patience to really find out since I've told him how much I like it. I find myself repeating to him how I like things.. and it's like it doesn't sink in. I tried to explain if he starts slow it gives me more of an impression that he's enjoying himself.. whereas trying to mimic a vibrator makes it seem like he's just trying to sprint for the finish line(and tiring himself, while irritating sensitive skin.) He says in his mind, if i like the way a vibrator feels, he should be like that. Maybe he's just more emotionally detached during sex? Which doesn't make sense either because when we aren't having sex often enough he gets slightly insecure that maybe I'm falling out of love with him. As far as him orgasming, he only orgasms from stimulation. I can't not touch him if I'm turned on because it heightens it for me.Talking to him during, unless it's to tell him I like what he's doing, seems to cause issues. If I try to guide him he's sort of receptive at first--but reverts back into what he was doing before quickly. Then if anything hurts me, he can't stand that. He kind of backs off and gives up then too. He keeps telling me I should communicate what I want more.. but whenever I have it seems to backfire. I don't say it as an attack and keep it positive.. but it seems to make him uncomfortable that what he's doing isn't what I need, yet repeating to him how I like things he never seems to remember.No I'm not going to ignore his needs, just kind of a bad joke to throw out there in frustration. He's not adventurous. He'll say he's up for things.. but if I start asking about him being ok with something I'm usually shot down. I don't even attempt lingerie anymore. It's another one of those things he said is for me, not him. As he see's it there's no point since he's just going to get me naked anyway.I've tried taking a more dominant sort of lead before, and he says it wasn't the issue.. but for the first time ever, me being confident and taking a lot more initiative he ended up having issues maintaining an erection every time we were about to have sex for about 2 weeks. It didn't resolve until a few days after I stopped trying to take the lead. (Im personally very submissive and introverted by nature.)I just feel like he's defeated, or just so stuck in his mindset that this will always be the way it is.. unless I can find a way to communicate to him where he'll actually learn from me. He's not really selfish, but Im also extremely easygoing and just let him be who he is and do what he wants for the most part. Occasionally I have a rough time if he's gone all the time since he plays in a band.. or wants guy time to decompress from work... but then I just tell him I need him to be home more often.We also have 2 kids.. one of which is only 2 months old.. so Im sure that's just compounding the problem. Maybe stressing him out.

[Obelisk]

Maybe women are right about guys not caring about their pleasure. I don't understand how there could be men like this.

For me, making sure my girl felt good is crucial for me to enjoy myself. I think that's one of the reasons my penis size is such a source of anxiety (not related to your thread lol but thought I would comment on it)

Anyway, what logic could there be in basically saying "yeah my woman isn't cumming so I'm just going to forget about it". I'd do everything possible to make sure my woman cummed with me every single time. Whatever was within my means.

[EricNYU]

His confidence is zero. It's been so long he might think he's never gonna please you no matter what. I'm not saying that's your fault. It's not your fault. Looks like you're communicating plenty. He's gotta be willing to learn to not give up. He's got lazy. Thats a hard habit to break. Ask him to go longer cause you get so close, you're almost there, you just need more time. Dont give him a release until your ready yourself.

[rcoreyus]

Its a tough situation, no easy answers. His not liking lingerie is strange - yes it needs to come of eventually, but it adds to the fun / build-up. Maybe he has gotten into the mode where sex is all about having an orgasm, not about how you get there.

If he were more open, I might suggest trying light bondage. You say you "can't not touch him" when you are turned on. What if you couldn't so that he wasn't distracted from what he was doing until he finished you. Or what if he were tied up and had "no choice" (in a fun way) but to please you before you gave him relief. Not knowing the personalities this might be an absolutely terrible idea.

I don't have any other ideas. I don't know how to make someone care about this. To me, pleasing my partner is by far the best part of sex. If an orgasm were the only goal, I'd just use my hand and save all the trouble.

[FortunsFoole]

Its a tough situation, no easy answers. His not liking lingerie is strange - yes it needs to come of eventually, but it adds to the fun / build-up. Maybe he has gotten into the mode where sex is all about having an orgasm, not about how you get there.

If he were more open, I might suggest trying light bondage. You say you "can't not touch him" when you are turned on. What if you couldn't so that he wasn't distracted from what he was doing until he finished you. Or what if he were tied up and had "no choice" (in a fun way) but to please you before you gave him relief. Not knowing the personalities this might be an absolutely terrible idea.

I don't have any other ideas. I don't know how to make someone care about this. To me, pleasing my partner is by far the best part of sex. If an orgasm were the only goal, I'd just use my hand and save all the trouble.

Yes, absolutely. All of this I've thought of before.. or brought up in conversation. We've tried the tied up thing for me before, but again he gets jumpy and can't seem to wait. I've asked about reversing it and tying him up. He's not into it, but if I wanted him to tie me up again, he would. Interestingly enough his aversion to it comes from being extremely ticklish and his Mom taking advantage of that for years. He doesn't want to be vulnerable to a point he can't protect himself from it. Most places on his body are off limits because it tickles him, which I've trained myself to not touch him any way I want to and stick to the safe zones. It just kind of sucks because I love the texture of his skin.

I also know his long term girlfriend before me he had no trouble getting her off. He never said it in an accusing way, I asked out of curiosity to see if it's always been this way for him(it would make more sense for him to be dismissive about it to me.) It just seems like there's a disconnect between us somewhere. I've read multiple books just to find what sounds like good idea's.. or even if someone could put it into terms he would understand--shoot even referring to female parts like an engine that needed to be fixed.. I'd probably be running in NO time. Most of the books hardly helped(currently reading "She Comes First" to see if I can glean anything that could help him, or me to better talk to him). I just get slightly bitter that I'm the one searching for these idea's, trying to find help. He hates to read--so he has no interest. He keeps coming back to me telling him what to do (frustrating that it means he's not hearing me.) And that's as far as it goes to resolving the issues. It's just apologies that I never ask for.

You're last line there kind of sums up all my problems with this and is why I say I feel like I'm just a warm place to jack off into.

My hope is it's just a disconnect in the way I talk to him.. and I need to find a way through so it'll stick or he'll understand(hence the joke about "blue balls" for a year... experiencing being left aroused for a year he would probably understand after the first couple weeks. -har har-)

[rcoreyus]

One more comment: you say your husband is a logical person. I don't think that is the issue here. I'm very logical, sort of hyper-rational normally, but not when it comes to love or sex. These are fundamentally irrational. Any rational person should understand that sex isn't rational unless you are just trying to make babies. Sex is not mechanical - your own hands / vibrators / sex-toys will almost always get you to orgasm faster than a partner will - yet the great majority of people prefer sex with a partner.

His mom ticking him is BAD. While not recognized as such it is a real form of abuse and may have left him somewhat scarred. Tickling makes someone laugh involuntarily , but at the same time can be really unpleasant, even painful. Really a lot like sexual abuse. It sounds like this has made him dislike contact with a lot of his body - maybe it has made him too focused on genital stimulation as the only expression of sex and intimacy?

[fremdeizr]

Hi FortunsFoole,

I have a logical mind as an engineer. I think your husband feels completely lost that he doesn't have a way to fully satisfy you, and he can't seem to find the formula. It affects his confidence and his patience, which creates a vicious circle that reinforces the problem. He needs a formula to get on track. Here's a suggestion: focus more on oral sex. You mentioned that he only gives you oral sex a few times a year, but yet you both enjoy doing it. A few times a year is not enough. Oral sex will likely give you a greater chance at having an orgasm with him, and when you do, will build his confidence. I know you mentioned that you gave him some tips earlier. He probably needs more. He needs an operating manual to your vagina with specific, clear instructions and techniques. A book that I like is "She Comes First". It gave my logical and curious mind what it needed to be successful at oral sex. He should thoroughly read this book once or twice, and not skim it. Have him try out everything on you.

A way to approach this is to tell him that you want him more often and you want to spice things up. Keep the same amount of intercourse you have now, but add days where you both only have oral. Tell him you want him to try everything in the book on you, where he pleasures you first (with or without orgasmic success at first), and then you give him appreciation by performing oral on him. With more and more experiments that he carries out on you, hopefully you'll both get to the point where you both have orgasms during oral days and his confidence will soar. From this, he will understand better how bring you to orgasm, and he will crave being able to make it happen through intercourse. With a revitalized sexual confidence, he'll give the extra effort needed to delay his orgasm during intercourse and do what he needs to do to with his penis and fingers to make you scream when he is inside you.

I know all this is an extra time commitment which will be difficult with young children, but if you can find a way to make time for these things above, you guys can hopefully transform your bedroom into a sexual inferno full of orgasms from both of you. Good luck.

[FortunsFoole]

- maybe it has made him too focused on genital stimulation as the only expression of sex and intimacy?

That could be part of it. I wonder what would be going on for him to seem to disregard some things? Like softer or slower last for a very short while before he goes back to where he started. There are times we have to stop altogether because the pain can't be resolved anymore by adjustments, it just hurts no matter what from all the back and forth. That's what I can't figure out. How I can talk to him so he listens.. or maybe he just forgets?

fremdeizr- I actually just started reading that book yesterday. Unfortunately my husband hates reading... so I find myself having to do all the and hopefully give him the info the way he needs it. He wont read the whole book, or even a chapter.

Thank you for the suggestion.