[kira]

I had the same problem. My husband thought rubbing my genitals should produce all the arousal necessary since it worked that way for him and finding it didn't he started to give up and leave me hanging. He seems almost scared to try touching me elsewhere. It took a month of discussing it daily to get a back rub added in on occasion. My husband was unenthusiastic about toys too but when he saw what he could accomplish with them he now asks every time after sex if I need toys or if he's not up for sex he'll use toys on me. Which often ends up arousing him so we have sex anyway.

For one I think you should buy a toy yourself. It actually does seem to work out better if you pick your own toys. Learn how to use it and then explain it to him. For two I think you should invest in a massage bar. Do you have a lush store around? I have some great mint and cocoa ones from them. Teach him you have to prime things to really get female genitals going. If you just jump in to rubbing or sex you won't get there fast enough for him. It also takes the focus off orgasms and on to enjoying the process. Then have him play around until he gives you an orgasm first before having sex.

[FortunsFoole]

kira- Yes he's very genitally focused. At the same time he does give a lot of back massages, whether the intention is to get me in the mood or not. On occasion I get a body massage when he really wants to peak my interest. What's a massage bar?

I do actually own some toys. Unfortunately, I'm not really fond of any of them. They can get the job done but I rarely use them. So far I haven't found anything I'm very excited about. I guess I'll just have to keep looking.

[FortunsFoole]

It sounds to me like he is bored of sex with you. He's bored of expending the energy just to get no "results". He even suggest toys to lessen the pressure on his shoulders but no, you won't do that.

So why do you think he suggests it, but then is uninterested when it actually comes around time to find and/or "play" with one?

Men can only be pathetic taskmasters for so long. Men are, evolutionarily speaking, designed to pursue one nubile woman after the next. This is our nature, cruelly denied by the melennia of female conspiracy that has conned men into accepting monogamy. We are made to roar like lions, not whimper like puppies.

And even though our greatest joy is bringing delight to a girl, after a while the endless stroking, and licking, and massaging, without effect, becomes tedious, because it leaves the actor feeling mentally impotent. Men will abandon ANY project after a certain time of continous failure because, frankly, life's too short. That includes sex. It's not "selfishness", it's pragmatism.

Yes, this makes a lot of sense to me.

You could try to blueball him, but it might be a mistake, as I imagine he'll be glad to no longer have to pretend to care either way about your pleasure, any more...

I wasn't actually serious about this. Just a frustrated joke that didn't translate well. I rarely deny him.

What solutions for this dire situations?
Find out what really pleases you. You seem uncertain to me. Put him to one side, and find out what rocks your boat.

Having found it. Ask him to do it.

If he does it wrong. Correct him.

If he refuses to do it, then you knw his true character. Don't waste your life with him, if it is that important to you.

You're expecting him to solve a jigsaw but you're being stingy with the pieces.

Been here before. Which is part of the point of the post. This doesn't seem to be working, which I assume is a communication error on my part, and he's unable to understand what I'm trying to say. So I was curious on opinions of ways to be able to talk with him about this so he could understand me.

This is not a make or break situation for my marriage by any means. I just get very frustrated is all and I don't want this to get to a point where I get exasperated and say something that hurts him rather than being constructive about it.

[CoolBreeze]

FortunsFoole I am sorry for your ordeal. There have been good suggestions in this thread, I can just add that I feel you are being the communicator here but your partner is not trying to digest your concerns. Exercising one's sexuality with a partner is like a symphony which has to be played in sync with each other. I have sent you a PM suggestion something more audacious for triggering him into the zone.

[Stillness]

I think it's the ex-girlfriend messing him up. If we connect with our first and things work well a certain way, it's how we expect sex to be. Relearning can be difficult.

On some minor level I can relate to your husband. My wife is very mysterious to me. I've sort of given up understanding her to some degree. She does have orgasms, but not every time and I don't care if she does or not once we're finished.

I used to. But she has one specific way that she likes it to happen and is so fixated on that way that she's actually complained if she climaxes differently. We've been married for 13 years and incidentally our sex life is better than it's ever been. It is a little strained though.

The difference is that I'm the one with the bedroom issues. She's happy with it. Of course climax every other time is different from none for a year. But I know that there's something she's not telling me because she once let it slip that she had been praying for an orgasm and was happy that her prayers were answered. Apparently she hadn't had one in a long time. I don't know how long because I don't keep track and I sort of don't care. I could easily have sex every day and she could climax every time if she wanted to. If she doesn't get there, that's on her.

[FortunsFoole]

I think it's the ex-girlfriend messing him up. If we connect with our first and things work well a certain way, it's how we expect sex to be. Relearning can be difficult.

This is an interesting point. He started dating her at age 16 and they were together for 5 years. Back when we were newly dating he did mention a major reason he stayed with her so long was for the sex. Years later it came into a conversation somehow and he denied it was the case. I don't know if he just forgot, or found our relationship so much more satisfying that he no longer registered his relationship with his ex as being great sex. He and I have been together for 10 years. The beginning was the best with all the excitement and oxytocin involved, it's been gradually declining and sort of snowballing over the years into this.

On some minor level I can relate to your husband. My wife is very mysterious to me. I've sort of given up understanding her to some degree. She does have orgasms, but not every time and I don't care if she does or not once we're finished.

I used to. But she has one specific way that she likes it to happen and is so fixated on that way that she's actually complained if she climaxes differently. We've been married for 13 years and incidentally our sex life is better than it's ever been. It is a little strained though.

He seems to be the same way. But it's not a once we're finished situation. It's more of a once he's finished situation. I feel like I'm just in the middle of getting started(it's pretty obvious how aroused I am) and he's finished and cares enough to say he loves me before either cuddling me or rolling over and going to sleep. Occasionally I get an apology that just makes me feel like a douche even though I don't complain or keep him from going to sleep.

The difference is that I'm the one with the bedroom issues. She's happy with it. Of course climax every other time is different from none for a year. But I know that there's something she's not telling me because she once let it slip that she had been praying for an orgasm and was happy that her prayers were answered. Apparently she hadn't had one in a long time. I don't know how long because I don't keep track and I sort of don't care. I could easily have sex every day and she could climax every time if she wanted to. If she doesn't get there, that's on her.

I guess maybe that's what he's thinking. I'm not sure though. I go out of my way, even when I don't want to at first, to make him happy. If it's not sex it's oral or manual. He rarely masturbates as a result. And here I am on the other side of things. I rarely receive oral, there's very little manual stimulation, and for the most part reach climax by masturbating. He used to kiss me or touch me to kind of help out before, but now just leaves me alone. It just seems kind of awkward with him post-orgasm blissed-out falling asleep.. and here his wife is behind him shaking the bed rubbing at herself like a 16 year old. Is that what you mean by "If she doesn't get there, that's on her."? At that point, to me, I start to lose sight of why we don't just leave ourselves to our own devices. Other than occasionally reconnecting on a deeper, more intimate level.

If I was to be mean instead of trying to work toward receiving a reciprocal relationship that made us both happy, what I would give back to him is just enough to tease and then leave him to do what he needed to satisfy himself. That just doesn't sound healthy to me. So why would he think it's OK for me to experience that?

[Stillness]

Is that what you mean by "If she doesn't get there, that's on her."?

What I mean is that I'm willing to do what I'm able to do to please her. She doesn't masturbate and I don't expect her to. There is absolutely no reason for her to go for long periods of time without having an orgasm with me. If she doesn't use me, then it's her problem, not mine.

Our situations are a little different as I will do anything my wife wants me to. If she has a problem then it's not with climaxing, but with climaxing the way she wants every time, which according to her is from my penis. Part of our problem in the past and to some extent now is that if too much time passes before I get sex, I can't last long enough every time the first time. I used to ask her if she wants to go again so she could get hers, but she always says, "that's OK" or "later." Later never comes. I'm always willing, so I have to assume she doesn't care enough.

Sometimes she doesn't even seem to want to climax and she does. Other times she wants to but doesn't. My goal used to be for her to orgasm every time. Now my goal is for me to orgasm and have a good time. I quickly developed an I-don't-care attitude in regards to her orgasms to keep my sanity because I can't figure her out. I think that that is the similarity. Your husband has given up. I don't know how you can get through to him.

Your words have to be very clear and explicit, because logical thinkers don't always take hints and read between lines. One of the other things that I was thinking is that if words are not working you could hump him instead of your hand - like put his hand there and go, or hop on his thigh or even his penis. One of the most erotic things I ever experienced was when my wife and I were just friends and we ran out of condoms and she slid along my shaft until she climaxed. That let me know that she was getting hers regardless. I loved it. I don't know what happened to that girl.

[FortunsFoole]

Gotcha. Thanks for clarifying what you meant. I get it now. Your suggestion might work. Hopefully it doesn't freak him out. I think I mentioned before that me taking the lead before caused some issues with him being able to maintain an erection until shortly after I gave up taking so much of the initiative. But I guess if it's after the fact, it may not be an issue.It's so confusing. What he says and how he acts/responds are so different. He's the most blatantly honest person I've ever met and I love that about him. When it comes to this, what he says doesn't seem to work out unless it's directly involved with stimulating his penis.