[rcoreyus]

Its always risky to compare situations, but let me tell my story. (I'm male in case Annieh doesn't know).

When we dated and the got married my wife always had a fairly low sex drive, mine was fairly high. At first this was OK, but over the years our level of interest started to drift ever further apart. Maybe she had hoped that I would eventually lose interest, I don't know, but over years sex went form once a week to once every 2 weeks, every few weeks, every month, eventually ever few months. This became poison to the relationship.

Every nice thing I would do for my wife, every touch or kiss, a gift of flowers anything started to be interpreted by her as a "bribe" for sex. To me it seems that she would try to find every fault in me that she could so that she wouldn't feel that she "owed" me sex. She couldn't understand why I didn't want to just like naked in bed next to her without wanting sex. I deeply resented being deprived of a normal sex life and that somehow my marriage vows had been turned into a vow of celibacy. Our love for each other got buried in an every increasing cycle of resentment.

Think of the food analogy: Imagine if by social norms a married couple were required to eat exactly the same amount of the same foods. Imagine how the one who has a higher appetite is always hungry - always feeling deprived of food. For the one with a smaller appetite, the other will seem a glutton. They will want to sit for a quiet pastry in a cafe, but their partner will just want to stuff their face.

About 2 years ago things suddenly changed - my wife suddenly became interested in sex again - and I still don't know why, she has never given me a clear explanation. Now she really enjoys sex - initiates as often (or maybe more) than I do. Sends me naughty (coded) emails at work, wears lingerie at home. Now I can lie next to her in bed, or sit cuddling on the sofa watching a movie without only being able to think about sex. When I get her flowers, or give her a back rub it is seen as a gift, not a bribe. Intimacy is much better - there is no longer the sense that she is doing me some sort of great favor, or for me that this may be the only sex I'll get for the next several months.

What I'm trying to say with all this is that this sort of problem can be self-reinforcing, lack of sex makes him less interested in other forms of intimacy, and lack of intimacy makes you less interested in sex.

Maybe one key difference though is that I was always willing and happy to do whatever my wife wanted in bed. It isn't quite clear from your post, but maybe he isn't very willing, or doesn't know how to please you in bed?

BTW: he almost certainly masturbates - as he should if he doesn't get as much sex as he wants (just as any woman should feel free to pleasure herself if she isn't getting what she wants from her partner).

All I can suggest is that you try: Try for a month or two of having frequent passionate sex. Tell him what you want - and do what he wants. Try to break down the resentment that may have built up. You may find it will make you both much happier. If after that you really don't want sex, then I think it is only fair to give him an alternative.

[kdc]

Annieh, when you have sex, does your husband give you much in the way of foreplay? i think that may be where you're missing out. Have your husband do some clitoral massage. Also, I know you may be tempted to rush through sex to get it over with, but I would highly recommend you take your time. I would recommend you get some of the books Wild Child has posted about in other threads. (One that comes to mind is **Slow Sex**, by Nicole Daedone.)

[Annieh]

Thanks for sharing! I especially found the whole non sexual intimacy thing interesting. I can't remember the last time he gave me a hug without grabbing my butt or boobs or something. He started doing that after we had sex the first time, claims he is being funny. i guess it was for a while...until it wasn't. I would bet that if he was "getting something something" more often he would be more willing to just make out sometimes, like we did when we were dating. Never really thought about it that way.

As for masturbating, I know he does that! Finding a guy who doesn't masturbate is like finding a unicorn. I meant to the porn, haha. He said he doesn't anyway, which is doubtful, but I like to think he is being truthful so i'll take his word for it. He has been into porn as long as I've known him so it wasn't that shocking to catch him. It took almost 6 years to get caught so I commend his...craftiness?

Btw thanks for your posts! The honesty and what appears to be genuine concern and interest in my problems are appreciated.

Its always risky to compare situations, but let me tell my story. (I'm male in case Annieh doesn't know).

When we dated and the got married my wife always had a fairly low sex drive, mine was fairly high. At first this was OK, but over the years our level of interest started to drift ever further apart. Maybe she had hoped that I would eventually lose interest, I don't know, but over years sex went form once a week to once every 2 weeks, every few weeks, every month, eventually ever few months. This became poison to the relationship.

Every nice thing I would do for my wife, every touch or kiss, a gift of flowers anything started to be interpreted by her as a "bribe" for sex. To me it seems that she would try to find every fault in me that she could so that she wouldn't feel that she "owed" me sex. She couldn't understand why I didn't want to just like naked in bed next to her without wanting sex. I deeply resented being deprived of a normal sex life and that somehow my marriage vows had been turned into a vow of celibacy. Our love for each other got buried in an every increasing cycle of resentment.

Think of the food analogy: Imagine if by social norms a married couple were required to eat exactly the same amount of the same foods. Imagine how the one who has a higher appetite is always hungry - always feeling deprived of food. For the one with a smaller appetite, the other will seem a glutton. They will want to sit for a quiet pastry in a cafe, but their partner will just want to stuff their face.

About 2 years ago things suddenly changed - my wife suddenly became interested in sex again - and I still don't know why, she has never given me a clear explanation. Now she really enjoys sex - initiates as often (or maybe more) than I do. Sends me naughty (coded) emails at work, wears lingerie at home. Now I can lie next to her in bed, or sit cuddling on the sofa watching a movie without only being able to think about sex. When I get her flowers, or give her a back rub it is seen as a gift, not a bribe. Intimacy is much better - there is no longer the sense that she is doing me some sort of great favor, or for me that this may be the only sex I'll get for the next several months.

What I'm trying to say with all this is that this sort of problem can be self-reinforcing, lack of sex makes him less interested in other forms of intimacy, and lack of intimacy makes you less interested in sex.

Maybe one key difference though is that I was always willing and happy to do whatever my wife wanted in bed. It isn't quite clear from your post, but maybe he isn't very willing, or doesn't know how to please you in bed?

BTW: he almost certainly masturbates - as he should if he doesn't get as much sex as he wants (just as any woman should feel free to pleasure herself if she isn't getting what she wants from her partner).

All I can suggest is that you try: Try for a month or two of having frequent passionate sex. Tell him what you want - and do what he wants. Try to break down the resentment that may have built up. You may find it will make you both much happier. If after that you really don't want sex, then I think it is only fair to give him an alternative.

[Annieh]

Good advice kdc! No he just gets excited and goes for it (he has always done that, not a new thing at all). I'm not all that kinky and I feel like a jackass when I try to act "sexy" or talk dirty so I guess I don't really push for a lot of foreplay if he doesn't need it. I do plenty for him to get him going. In fact, sex is always about him. Other than kissing and some touching I can't think of what he could possibly do for me foreplay-wise to get me hot and bothered without me feeling embarrassed. I don't even know what I like. Hmm. Food for thought. I should probably vocalize my needs more. Once I figure out what they are.

[kdc]

>Good advice kdc! No he just gets excited and goes for it (he has always done that, not a new thing at all).

BINGO! THAT'S your problem!

> I'm not all that kinky and I feel like a jackass when I try to act "sexy" or talk dirty so I guess I don't really push for a lot of foreplay if he doesn't need it. I do plenty for him to get him going. In fact, sex is always about him. Other than kissing and some touching I can't think of what he could possibly do for me foreplay-wise to get me hot and bothered without me feeling embarrassed. I don't even know what I like. Hmm. Food for thought. I should probably vocalize my needs more. Once I figure out what they are.>

No, HE doesn't need any help getting hot and bothered--but you DO! Forget about embarrassment. You're married and have a child by this man. I assume you don't want to go through the rest of your life dreading putting out twice a week and not getting anything out of it. If you really want to enjoy sex, you're going to have to talk to your husband. Tell him you love him but that you've never had an orgasm and you really want to enjoy sex as much as he does. Ask him to help you work this out. This is as much his problem as it is yours. Get that book and both of you read it. Maybe get a few of the other books Wild Child has mentioned in the forum too. (Another one that comes to mind is **She Comes First**, by Ian Kerner. This would be a good one for your husband.) If you can't get this problem solved, you need to find a good sex therapist who will help you get things sorted out.

You don't have to put on an act or talk dirty in order to enjoy sex. Good sex is worth the effort. Seriously. (And, yes, many women really do have **awesome** orgasms. 8-)

[Annieh]

You're on to something with the foreplay I think. So many issues at play here though.

I will add that I do have orgasms most of the time if I want to. Sex works like it's supposed to, i just dont like it. I don't feel super great and satisfied afterwards. Kinda anti-climactic emotionally? Orgasms are highly overrated anyway, haha! Well I'll keep working on this and take the good advice! I do need to vocalize my needs better and "join the party" if you know what I mean.

Thanks everyone!

[DreamP346]

Anniegh, There are so many unanswered questions from your post. I would recommend you see a sex therapist. Go to the AASECT website to find a certified therapist near you. It's not that you have a sexual dysfunction, it's about how you view your sexuality, what you want from it, how to get it, understanding your body, understanding your partner, negotiating sex, etc. Just to give you a bit of all the questions that need to delved into and discussed:

You didn't answer about masturbation. One of the primary things we teach women who do not enjoy sex is to masturbate. How can you expect somebody to know how to please you when you don't know how to do it yourself. You need to explore you own body and fantasies to figure out what you like and gets you going.

Have you ever orgasmed? From yourself or my your husband? If you have never experienced an orgasm, it is very difficult to get what fun sex can be, not impossible, but difficult.

Do you understand that basics of the female anatomy? The role of clitoris in sexual pleasure, etc?

How much foreplay do you two engage in. 20 minutes is a good standard. Yes, some women don't need foreplay, but most do. I would recommend at least 20 minutes.

Does your husband perform oral on you? How much effort does he put into your pleasure?

Are you still on birth control? That will sap your libido.

Based on how you answer these questions, there are several different things you can do. It not a single solution and your husband will have to be a big part of the efforts. That is why seeing a sex therapist is useful.

[kdc]

> You're on to something with the foreplay I think.

For sure. Foreplay is THE MOST IMPORTANT part of sex for me. Remember the words of the old Poynter Sisters song, "Slow Hand": "I want a man with a slow hand. I want a lover with an easy touch. I want somebody who will spend some time, not come and go in a heated rush. I want somebody who will understand, when it comes to love, I want a slow hand." Might be just a song, but there's a ton of wisdom in those words. ;-)


Oh, I think you'll change your mind about that, once you have one of those earth-shaking orgasms. 8-)

Please do take sp346's advice and get a good sex therapist. it will be well worth the effort, IMO.

[Annieh]

Btw Hooray for phones i guess. I can access this board whenever I feed the baby or during naps (is that weird?) I should find something more useful to do during my little breaks haha.

Anyway, here are the answers to your questions:

"You didn't answer about masturbation. One of the primary things we teach women who do not enjoy sex is to masturbate. How can you expect somebody to know how to please you when you don't know how to do it yourself. You need to explore you own body and fantasies to figure out what you like and gets you going."

Not really into it. Just feels wrong...especially when there's a man able and willing. I don't like it when he does it so seems a bit hypocritical for me to. I've done it before though and after I always think "why the hell did I do that?"

"Have you ever orgasmed? From yourself or my your husband? If you have never experienced an orgasm, it is very difficult to get what fun sex can be, not impossible, but difficult.

Do you understand that basics of the female anatomy? The role of clitoris in sexual pleasure, etc?"

Yes and yes. I've had orgasms before. Like I said, hardly worth getting all nutso about it and abandoning a good marriage and family for (as many do). It feels good for like 5 seconds. Kinda lame IMO.

"How much foreplay do you two engage in. 20 minutes is a good standard. Yes, some women don't need foreplay, but most do. I would recommend at least 20 minutes."

Depends. If I'm in the mood I'll go for it, or if I'm especially dry or something. If I'm not in the mood I'll just pass to get it over with. He enjoys making me feel good but I seriously doubt he could last 20 minutes!

"Does your husband perform oral on you? How much effort does he put into your pleasure?"

He has tried but I really really don't like it. Makes me really uncomfortable, i feel gross and I don't want to kiss him after his mouth had been down there (I'm super clean, it's just...gross). He puts in a fair amount of energy for me. He has a hard time slowing down- if he does he sometimes isn't able to climax himself. I think he gets distracted and bored if it takes too long.

"Are you still on birth control? That will sap your libido."

Actually I'm not! After the baby we decided to do condoms and see if that helps and it has! My libido has been noticeably higher since. I'm in the mood way more often than I was. Sex is not this horrible thing, mind you, it's just slightly annoying and not as fantastic as everyone makes it out to be. At least it doesnt hurt anymore! I just think if I had more fun and didnt feel disappointed afterwards my husband would also feel more satisfied and generally happier with our sex life. And me.

Things are getting better though because I'm trying. I probably made a mountain out of a molehill by posting about it. I guess I was just feeling down at the time and generally undesirable after I caught him looking at porn the other day. I felt like it was my fault and I've had to actually confront some of these issues and feelings in my mind rather than pretend they don't exist like I used to do. He told me therapy is not an option unless our relationship actually hits the skids (we are far from that!) and its a last ditch effort. So I'm on my own here, getting advice from strangers on the Internet. It has been pretty helpful, actually. I'm taking note of what people suggest and working to change my behavior first in hopes that maybe the rest will follow.