[kdc]

. . . But I am still curious - is there a good way to find out if someone is married (other than just trusting that they tell you the truth?). This is not just for me, I have tried to help other single women friends check and I can usually get a lot of info, but am not sure on this.

You might check online for the Department of Vital Statistics for whatever state he resides in. If he got married in that state, they will have the records. In my state, this is public knowledge, and there's a free database online with the marriage license info.

If push comes to shove, you could hire a private investigator to find out the info for you.

[Justice]

To KDC thanks for the info.

[Justice]

It doesn't call for you being hard on yourself. You should stop obsessing over it and search for something better or just be content alone.

Thanks. I'll get there, I really do want to stop obsessing. (but I expect it to take time.)

[jen1447]

Marriage and divorce records are generally kept at the county level, which can make it difficult to verify since you have to either a. assume the person is telling you the truth about where they were married and check that county for a record, or b. check all counties of all states for records, which is ....impractical lol. This is assuming you're in the US. (Watch for reluctance here, because if he's lying he's obviously not going to want to point you in the right direction to discover his lie. You'll hear something like "Well it was actually in Madrid, but the dog ate it the next day anyway.")

If this were me I'd just ask the guy to show me his marriage license, and if he hemmed and hawed, then I'd know there was a problem. If he's being truthful there should be no reason not to show the evidence (unless he's principally opposed or something - lol, a guy having an affair standing on principal? ), and if he's lying, you will somehow fail to get any meaningful info despite promises that he's "working on it," etc. Most cons are really not that tough to spot when you strip away all the distractions.

[jen1447]

Sorry, I misread and thought you said he maintained he was married. To verify the opposite:

1. Find out where he and his maybe wife have lived during the time they've known each other.
2. Check those counties for marriage licenses in his and/or her name and dates of birth.
3. Get ready for him to say "No, that was my cousin Ralphie, he sometimes uses my first name," if you find one.

[Justice]

Thanks Jen.

I did check the "home" county and they verified that he's never had a marriage license in the county; haha the lady who answered must have been sympathetic or bored. Because she started saying I'd have to send in a request, but then changed her mind and decided to check both their names.

The GF has family in another place but I hesitated to check there because I think that has more of a small town thing going on.

the more time goes by, I guess the less it matters - except I really do like to know everything I can.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It's excellent that you cross reference and check, when you meet someone more so "on-line" to be sure that you are dealing with that the cards suggest you are dealing with.

I call D, my husband, we are engaged not married. I also think that that, is very common.

He sounds as if he actually is in love or at least thinks that he is and wants desperately to get his relationship on track. First, he went for fantasy then when it was attainable, backed off and realised he should keep fantasy to himself. He probably didn't expect you to agree so quickly, or to agree full stop.

What concerns me, is that he has a partner. Whether he has intercourse with her, or rarely does is irrelevant. It is entirely up to him to make that relationship work with her and up to her entirely to respond and do the same. We should never as human beings interfere by getting in the middle. When a relationship breaks down and people part ways, the world is our oyster and we can make our own management decisions.

I wonder why you feel "safe" having a FWB with someone who could never be yours?

Why do you feel this is the safest for you and you are ok with that. We all get emotionally hurt and let me tell you, this would be no different. The moment you bond with the opposite sex, intimately, you automatically start falling for them. You would be setting yourself up for a worse heart ache than that of trying a relationship that didn't work.

[Justice]

CW - First thanks for the response and I think your comment First, he went for fantasy then when it was attainable, backed off and realised he should keep fantasy to himself. is probably on track. But if he had been honest with me at all I don't know that he really is/was in love, I think he was "in convenience". I know women as well as men who cannot seem to handle being alone or not in a "relationship". At my age I am used to being on my own. I wonder if I did agree too fast or too slow.

I hesitate to fully explain why I think I was willing to go along -since I think I already have made myself somewhat identifiable to some who know me if they come across these forums. But ... I have mentioned that I have anxiety issues and I never have been comfortable in a more classically "normal" dating relationship, I tend to be more attracted to guys I am friends with first. At some points I hate to say that his being in a relationship (of convenience I thought) made it easier for me. I get hurt anyway, so it is almost like why not at least have some fun (and I cannot get pregnant and if he was telling the truth to me, he would be pretty safe since he claims basically to be, unintentionally, celibate). I never ever considered FWB before and not sure I would again, but then again it is like my sex drive just totally shot into overdrive. My religion and common sense (I hope) would not allow me to consider a one night stand; that is way too promiscuous or risky for me. (But reading more on forums I guess I should not judge, but it seems like a risk for health and safety, if not for other reasons.)

I am not anxious to interfere but I do agree that it is up to them to either make their relationship work or not. I did not chase him, he was chasing me and my initial response to hearing that he was in a relationship was, ok friends only. I guess he pressed all the right buttons so somehow I was willing to consider it. I have posted that he basically described what he wanted and they were my only fantasies. As I have mentioned I was willing to play along with the fantasizing had I known that was what we were doing. However, I hate that he get me so dang revved up and left me playing solitaire.

I don't think that he is doing his GF any favors by playing these games. I assume most people in a relationship would not consider the emails and conversations we've had much less serious than if we actually engaged in the physical acts he described.

As to calling your fiance your husband... among people I know I had never heard of someone calling their GF their wife, even a couple of family members who have been "engaged" for like 30 yrs. I really did try to check and verify no marriage and no kids before I even took the off-limits barrier out of my thinking.