[melodyhollows]

This is the first time I use a forum as an outlet for advice but I had no choice because I wasn't getting the best advice out there. I am 22 and have been dating my live-in 24 year old boyfriend for about a year and a half now and I recently found numerous of porn sites on his phone. For the first 10 months of our relationship, I never once found any porn-related material at home, computer, or phone--we never talked about it either so i was completely oblivious about him masturbating. Since I have never masturbated and won't ever (due to personal reasons) it never really came to mind that he would. However, the first time I caught his porn sites i was very distraught--typically female feeling as if they weren't good enough and my self-esteem lowered. However, he tried to reassure me that it was a very normal act--which i do agree, that it had nothing personal against me, and he only masturbated 1/2 a week. I let it go because ultimately i knew that all males do masturbate and i wasn't going to be naive about that. A couple of months passed and I recently became curious again about his internet search links, so I looked at his phone one morning. Well, he had forgotten to exit his window and it showed a link from a porn site. I wasn't too upset but I still wanted to know about his whereabouts; as I was going through his settings I realized he had turned on his "private" viewing setting on his phone in order to hide all his internet search links and the history wouldn't be recorded. Being paranoid at the situation, decided to turn this setting off because I knew he wouldn't notice and it would track his links throughout the day. That night as he came back from work and jumped into the shower, i quietly browsed through his history log. Little did i know that I would find porn sites he was watching in the morning AND porn sites in the afternoon--which made me only think that he masturbated twice in one day! I was LIVID. I felt so betrayed (that he lied to me about masturbating 1-2 a week), i felt fooled for believing him, and even worse, i felt like i was not sexually satisfying him because we had been intimate the night before. When I approached him about the situation, he became VERY defensive stating that he wasn't going to feel bad about watching porn or masturbating because it was a normal thing. However, I cannot get myself to think that this his "indirect" way of cheating! Looking at other females and being stimulated more than once a day just doesn't sit right with me. Not only does this have me at the edge of my seat because we haven't talked about the issue since it happen two days ago--but my biggest concern as well is that porn he is watching. Every single time I have caught him with porn sites, they have ALWAYS been on MILFs -- or of older latina women. I am latina myself, but i am my means not older--on the contrary i am younger than him!! Thus, I'm worried that his ultimate sexual preference are older women--something i am not and therefore--i am unable to give ultimately satisfy his needs. I am utterly confused and just need to know if this is truly my female hormones and emotions getting the best of me or should i really talk to him about this problem i am having?

[Ashlee T.]

You have a right to feel what you feel. I don't think there is any right or wrong when it comes to porn and masturbation. It is really about what you want in a relationship and what you don't. If I am with a man I trust, am happy, sexually fulfilled, romantically satisfied, then I don't mind if he's watching some porn now and then. I like it myself. However, if I'm feeling neglected and unsatisfied, I am not okay with it.

Why do you feel the need to browse through his phone and computer history? Has he been unfaithful to you in the past?

[melodyhollows]

Thank you for your feedback. I completely agree with you, I think for those same reasons when I found the window opened of a porn video in the morning I wasn't too upset because we actually have been doing great for the past couple of months. That's exactly what's making me feel bad however, the fact that we have been doing great and he still needs to look at porn. I would have no problem if he does look at porn and masturbates once in a while but to the point where its twice a day and he specifically looks at women that have of no resemblance or close similarities to me gets me upset. It sounds ridiculous, i know, that's why I question whether its me being naive because I do not masturbate. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that masturbating is normal but should it be normal when they are looking at other women so constantly throughout the day? I can't help but feel cheated on a little.

Insecurities. He's never truly cheated on me but there was one incident that occurred between us in the middle of our relationship where I completely blew him off for his birthday and another girl ended up making the moves on him but nothing ever really happen. Other than that, he's always been a loyal and supportive partner.

[jen1447]

I'm curious about that as well ....not trying to be critical of melody but it seems like lots of people spy on their partner's internet history as a matter of course. Personally I couldn't care less what the BF browses on his own time (well I guess I would care if he was a member of a serial killer website or something like that but I don't think he is ), and he doesn't need to spy on me because he already knows everything. Do you ladies out there do this regularly?

Anyway I agree with BD, don't feel guilty about your feelings. You're entitled to not approve. I really doubt his porn use a shortcoming with you tho, if that's any consolation. Guys are just visual creatures and they can't stop looking at quick movements.

[kira]

I don't understand the paranoia around porn. I've watched it several times a day in the past myself. I didn't masturbate every time because I didn't always find enough good stuff. I frequently skip around watching 2-5 mins at a time of each vid until I find one I want. I also watch a lot of stuff I wouldn't actually want to do. Some bondage and extra large penis videos that in real life I wouldn't like. He may not be lying at all or you just caught me on an extra aroused day. In my opinion if you are satisfied with the amount and type of sex you are getting the other person should be free to watch and masturbate whatever they want to satisfy their own sex drive which might be a lot higher than yours. I don't harass my husband for sex half as much as I want it because his sex drive tanked a couple years ago. He's happy with a few times a week. I could go multiple times a day like we did when we first met each other. He's seen a doctor but they said his labs were within normal range and gave us a whole 3 pills a month to use. I just gave it up because I'm happy with fulfilling my own extra needs and he has absolutely no problem with porn. He even suggested I find another guy to have sex with and we went to a swingers club a few times. Didn't really work out though. I don't particularly like one night stand type of relationships.

[melodyhollows]

Jen1447, don't get me wrong, he looks through all of my personal things as well: phone, messages, calls. Sadly, we both have insecurities: he's been cheated on before in past relationships and I cheated on my former boyfriend so I am paranoid it's going to occur to me. It's more of a reassured feeling than a feeling of having to spy on him all the time. More than anything, I became upset over this because I felt as if he was living another life--as if he is hiding another part of his sexuality that i was unaware about and it makes me feel uncomfortable because I have been living with him for over a year now and I though I knew his sexual preferences.

Thank you; however, I am just unsure on how to approach him about the situation. Every time I try to bring up the concept of masturbation he always says that I make it so uncomfortable for him and awkward. He gets put off by the fact that I don't masturbate.

[melodyhollows]

Kira, thank you for making it seem a little more normal to me. However, in regards to being completely satisfied, I'm not sure. I wan to cut him so slack because he works all day--his job involves for him to be very physical since he works with machines and constantly is doing hard labor and at night he always practices with his music band--which is another physical activity. So by the time he comes home (which is around 10pm) everyday--he at times makes it a point to explain how tired he is and I get discouraged to have sex with him. Nonetheless, even when i am stimulated--he always offers oral sex or tells me if I can wait an hour or so. That's another situation, I always thought his sex drive was average (a little above average during weekends) because I am myself am a very sexual individual and always felt that i had more of a sex drive than he did. Thus, comes in my confused state of mind because i'm not sure now if it's because he actually isn't as sexual as me or if it is because he masturbates throughout the day and isnt able to perform once he gets home.

[Ashlee T.]

Melody - thank you for your honesty. Insecurities can cause ALL sorts of problems. I dated a guy who had problems in the bedroom...he couldn't keep it up during intercourse. It was only then that I started looking for reasons...and found out (from asking him flat out) that he was masturbating every day, sometimes more than once. Now...would I generally have a problem with that? Nope. But I found it VERY selfish that he knew he was having trouble keeping an erection during sex, and he knew what that was doing to our relationship, and he continued on with the masturbation. The relationship ultimately ended because of it.

When I was younger (early 20's) I remember finding out my long time boyfriend was looking at porn. I HAD NO IDEA. We had sex all the time... why would he need porn? And the porn he was watching (he had left the tape in the VCR...yes...it was back in VCR days..haha) was TOTAL opposite of me. I was devastated!!!! I look back on that 10 years later and chuckle at myself for being so upset about it.

So...if you feel like him masturbating to other women is in some sense, cheating on you or being unfaithful to you, it is important that he understands that. It is also important that you understand that you are violating him by intruding into his personal business without invitation. I would be so upset to find out that someone who claimed to love me felt the need to look through my things. Have I done it before? Yes, I have...but it was when I was in a relationship with a clever charming man who I felt in my heart was cheating on me...but he was much too slick to let me catch him in person. I snooped...I was right, he was cheating. I would most certainly not allow that to be a practice in my relationship.

Have you considered perhaps doing some things to spice up the sex life a bit? Some naughty pics or something like that?

[melodyhollows]

Beautiful Disaster, thank you for sharing your stories. That's what I am most scared of, that our relationship will ultimately end due to us not being able to agree on these terms. In my eyes, masturbation is normal but if you're in a committed relationship--where your partner has a high sex drive, then why would you have to do it so constantly? Do you think I am not able to fully understand this because I myself have never masturbated--and can honestly say never will?

How will I be able to approach him though and let him know that it makes me feel as if he is cheating without sounding like a total child? I think that's one of the things he gets most frustrated about when we begin to argue about the situation--I am feeling everything a naive young girl would feel when they see their boyfriend having solo sex and in his mind, it's completely normal and (as he states) is part of being "one with your body" which i honestly feel, is total boloney.

I completely understand that invading his private business is not healthy; but at times i feel as if i have no choice because he does the exact same thing to me. He looks through all my personal belongings as well (call logs, messages, social media sites profiles, etc.) because of his own insecurities since he has been cheated on in the past by former partners.

I've always tried making our sex life funner--I myself have a high sex drive so we've done the usual of: sex in the car in public places, different positions, different oral experiments, he's recently become very interested in lingerie and I bought some and have begun to wear it for him before I found everything. One thing; however--which I guess also interplays with this is that he is always asking me touch myself in different places during sex--but i am unable to due to my general bad experience at a young age--he doesn't truly understand that situation and thinks I'm over exaggerating.

[kira]

When we first started our relationship I teased my husband by making comments on stuff but not telling him what sites I was actually using. He decided to snoop and found a somewhat unconventional masturbation method using TENS units which stimulate muscles to contract using electricity and there's an entire site devoted to it. He was so upset not so much at what he found but that he thought when I found out what he did I was going to be mad at him. We had a laugh over it. He joined the site and talked to a few people to understand and the whole thing was a non issue. I rarely use it since we started having sex. We've set a few boundaries since. He sometimes reads the same forums as me but he's only allowed to read threads I've participated in if I give him permission. He didn't really like me reading his phone texts or answering his friends so I don't touch his phone without permission and he doesn't touch mine unless I hand it to him to use.