[jen1447]

melody, can I ask why you don't masturbate? If it's personal, that's fine. Just thinking it might help us to consider.

[melodyhollows]

Jen1447, it's a personal matter that truly is my own fault, but I don't have a problem sharing. When I was about 10 years old--around the same time flip phones with built in cameras were coming out--my older sister (who at the time was about 24 years old and was married at the time), had just boughten a new cell phone with a camera. Since a young age, I was always intrigued by photography (hence, my occupation now--i am a professional photographer); so I asked her if I could possible play with her camera phone. She always had no problem handing it over to me because I just took random pictures and videos of the family. On one specific occasion, I went too far into the videos and ended up opening a video of her masturbating with a couple of toys. I was a young girl, that had no idea what masturbating even meant or why people did that and learning it through my own sister's personal camera pretty much traumatized me. Ever since, I have not been able to touch myself or masturbate without having reminders of my sibling (which is an awful awful thing).

[Ashlee T.]

I was going to ask that as well Jen. Obviously, Melody, if you don't feel comfortable discussing it that is fine but I'm interested in why as it may help me to understand your perspective.

Do I think your lack of masturbation plays a big role in this? Absolutely. In the story I told you about when I was younger and discovered my long time guy was looking at porn, I did not masturbate then either. I couldn't relate in any way to what he was doing. I felt like he was gross for doing it... like something was wrong with him...like I wasn't enough for him. I do NOT feel that way now. When I am in a solid relationship, I do it much less, but that doesn't mean I never do it. And sometimes I watch porn while doing it too...all different kinds of it. And sometimes while watching the porn I may imagine myself with the guy I'm in a relationship with. Who is to say your guy doesn't do the same? I've often told guys "if you saw my computer history you'd think I was one WEIRD chick and you'd probably take off running".

[melodyhollows]

Beautiful Disaster, above I have described why I do not participate in masturbation. That's exactly how I feel now, we tried being intimate this morning and I was unable to fully finish due to having these issues in the back of my mind. Especially feeling like I'm not good enough is definitely taking a toll on me--what can I do to help this feeling go away? I mean he does try to compliment me and tell me that I'm sexy, etc. But now I feel like all those lines were a lie.

Haha possibly. But then my next question would be, if you watch porn of a specific preference wouldn't you want to try to achieve those same preferences in real life? i.e., him watching older women wouldn't he want to be with an older woman because that's what he ultimately sexually prefers the most? Rather he's living with a person who is three years younger than him. That dynamic, I just cannot sadly understand.

[jen1447]

That may not actually be - could be he's fantasizing about what he doesn't have just for variety's sake, not because he secretly wants it in the depths of his heart.

Thanks for sharing about the masturbation issue ....I understand. I suspect tho that you might be able to overcome that, maybe with the help of therapy.

We're on the right track for getting over this I think. It's going to involve some personal effort on your part tho - letting some things go.

[Ashlee T.]

him watching older women wouldn't he want to be with an older woman because that's what he ultimately sexually prefers the most? Rather he's living with a person who is three years younger than him.

No. I have been turned on by porn that included people I would never want to sleep with! Actually, the big majority of them I wouldn't truly want to sleep with.

What you experienced was obviously traumatic. But I'm with Jen...that's not an non-repairable issue. But I do honestly believe you will struggle with this until you find a way to heal from that. Think about how many kids have walked in on their parents in "the act"? I know that would have put quite a damper on things for me.... but I wouldn't swear off sex for the rest of my life as a result. There are a lot of positive health benefits to orgasms and the hormones and endorphins you release during. Sometimes it's nice to be able to get a quick release with no pressure from anyone else...just you, doing what you know you like, with no one to please but yourself. There is some beauty in that. But aside from that... it's going to be important for you to know if THAT is what is causing you this insecurity and the of understanding or if you truly are just never going to be comfortable with him looking at porn and masturbating. You need to determine if this relates to your "distaste" for masturbation or if it's an issue of him looking at other women.

[kira]

Sometimes it's nice to be able to get a quick release with no pressure from anyone else...just you, doing what you know you like, with no one to please but yourself.

I think all my sexual exploration was just boredom and lack of positive human contact. I had 3 friends growing up and none come junior high. In fact I found myself ostracized from my peers. I made no friends in college. Never went to church. Never had a 9-5 job with coworkers. My stepdad was abusive so I moved out with my first bf who was abusive. I often did things in the middle of the night and slept all afternoon to avoid people I was living with. Rented a house by myself to get away from my bf. I crammed all my open hours job in to the weekend and spent the rest of the week wasting time alone. Sometimes I didn't have a conversation with another person for months. The past 4 years of being married are the first I've had regular human contact and someone to talk to. Along with regular sex.

[jen1447]

I don't understand the paranoia around porn. I've watched it several times a day in the past myself. I didn't masturbate every time because I didn't always find enough good stuff. I frequently skip around watching 2-5 mins at a time of each vid until I find one I want. I also watch a lot of stuff I wouldn't actually want to do. Some bondage and extra large penis videos that in real life I wouldn't like. He may not be lying at all or you just caught me on an extra aroused day. In my opinion if you are satisfied with the amount and type of sex you are getting the other person should be free to watch and masturbate whatever they want to satisfy their own sex drive which might be a lot higher than yours. I don't harass my husband for sex half as much as I want it because his sex drive tanked a couple years ago. He's happy with a few times a week. I could go multiple times a day like we did when we first met each other. He's seen a doctor but they said his labs were within normal range and gave us a whole 3 pills a month to use. I just gave it up because I'm happy with fulfilling my own extra needs and he has absolutely no problem with porn. He even suggested I find another guy to have sex with and we went to a swingers club a few times. Didn't really work out though. I don't particularly like one night stand type of relationships.

I wanted to go back and touch on some things kira mentioned above, namely the libido inequality issue. (I see you also mentioned this, melody.) It can I think be potentially very serious, and it certainly would legitimize masturbation on the part of the more highly sexed partner. tbh, I couldn't imagine not masturbating a great deal because I'd lose my mind. If I was somehow 'forbidden' from doing this by my BF (he doesn't have that authority lol, just hypothetical), that would be ....a real problem to say the least. Now, I have a little trouble imagining though that any guy over his teen years could really not get enough from an equally sexed and accommodating-minded woman, so it's tough to get this straight in your context. You want lots of sex, he needs to masturbate ....you should be able to give him all he needs if you're more highly sexed than him, eliminating his masturbation needs unless he's that rare superhero.

To illustrate the opposite point, my BF has a reasonably high libido, but mine is higher by quite a lot. Combine that with the physiological differences between men and women (ability to orgasm in volume, basically) and the only solution for us is masturbation for me. I mean, I can't really demand he be Mr. Oral 24 hours a day, and I'm not with him 24 hours a day anyway, so it's pretty obvious what has to happen. (I'm talking aside from the GF action here - that's a whole different story.) Anyway, as applies to you, he shouldn't be able to orgasm as much as you, and you've got the higher libido, and yet he masturbates. I guess the only possible answer I'm seeing to that now is just that he ....likes it a lot? Are any of the rest of you following my logic here? I feel kind of fuzzy on it, lol, but basically I'm wondering now if she doesn't have a point on the masturbation question.

It sounds like I'm saying that the only legit masturbation arrangement is for the woman to masturbate, but really what I'm saying is just that it's the easier to understand scenario. I have to phylosophical objection to the opposite scenario, it just seems much less likely.

[Stillness]

I have a dissenting opinion from the majority.

It's nearly impossible to find a man that has never viewed pornography. But I don't think it's at all unreasonable to expect that your man not continue to do so. Especially with the damaging effects that are pornography is known to cause. But even from the standpoint of monogamy, viewing another person naked and becoming aroused to the point of orgasm is undeniably sexual. If your relationship is exclusive sexually, then it's not unreasonable to expect that they not do that with anyone but you.

[catwoman]

What would concern me more is the amount of time he spends looking at these porn sites. If he's looking at that consistently throughout the day, it may be a sign of porn addiction. It can interfere with your day to day activities. Does he work? Hopefully he is not looking at that during work hours.

I can completely understand where you're coming from. You feel betrayed that he WANTS to see other women, not solely because he has. I would sit him down and have a serious talk with him and explain how it makes you feel. Don't accuse, yell, or act mad, just tell him you want to be honest with him and that him looking at porn makes you feel like you're not good enough for him and that you feel you don't satisfy him.