[bienvenotto]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here and found this forum in a internet search about this thread issue.

Let's get to the point with a little introduction...

I have a girlfriend and we've been together for 4 years now. We aren't married and yet we talk sometimes that this will happen. I'm 27, she is 24.
Anyway, these 4 years, at least seems to me, weren't enough about our sex fantasies. I guess 4 years is enough, at least to me - which I consider myself being a liberal man -, to have confidence in each other to talk openly about sex fantasies. Yet I do, or try to do, she does not.
I don't know what's the cause of it. Maybe her creation on her house with her parents; maybe her paranoia with the bad bad world outside; maybe a little lack of empathy. I really don't know.

But what I know is that when I try to suggest one or another sex fantasy or little adventure, I get pushed back. And then I ask what would be hers. And this is the worst part. She says she has none. But I know her, and I know she has them.

So, I decided to propose things that might be unconfortable to some men, and even to her inside her hyper-self-protectionist behavior. Well, as I know her, there are things that she would love to do, but they are 'inconceivable'. One of these things were to have sex with me and another man. When I did, she just 'broke'; like those old windows blue screens. Clearly, something was moved inside her. She became thoughtful for a brief time.

Well then, now I guess I surely touched something right deep in there, and maybe might get a little result of it. But hopeless, when I asked her what she tought about asking her about that fantasy, she said to me she tought it to be 'strange'. That was 'strange' that I suggested.

I'm a liberal man. I don't know why she does not know this yet. And I sure would love her to take advantage on that.

Now I ask: Does anyone have some tip?! Some suggestion of approach? Any comments about her behavior or my guesses? Any possibility to 'not having any fantasy' to be true?

Thanks in advance. I found this forum to be very interesting.

[JonDoe]

Some people misunderstand the term 'sexual fantasy' to mean something extreme, bizarre, perverse and/or involving a fetish. Helping her to understand that a sexual fantasy can, and most often is, rather tame for most people. Examples might include having sex by the fireplace, on the kitchen counter, in a tent while camping, in a sex swing in the couples bedroom. Of course, some people also fantasize about threesomes, lesbian sex, bondage and a whole lot more. Each persons comfort level discussing and acting out a sexual fantasy will differ.

My recommendation would be to start with a simple, tame fantasy and she if she is open that first. It may be best to discuss it with her first instead of springing it on her the next time you two are intimate.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

[ItsASecret]

I am a woman with no sexual fantasies in the manner that I find some men believe it to mean. Like JonDoe said the term 'sexual fantasy' means different things to different people. To me it means "something different, not necessarily something that would make you shocked but merely something different. I tend to find that men expect the sexual fantasy to be something hardcore, something pulled from a porno, something so dirty and extreme that it would make anyone go "oh yeah thats sooo hot girl". For me personally I do not and basically will not ever have a fantasy of something like a threesome or anal or BDSM (on any level) nor do I have any sort of fetish. The reason I do not is because I have thought of those things and had zero, nothing, no interest in wanting to even entertain the idea of doing such things...because of those feelings I know I am not at all into those things and hence no sexual fantasies related to those things come forth. To many those few things listed are exactly what a fantasy should entail and basically nothing else, to me it is the farthest thing possibly from what I would ever want to happen.

If you want my advice go back to your girlfriend and ask to have a conversation about fantasies and say something along the lines of: "You said you have no sexual fantasies and that is okay, but I was thinking maybe I used a wrong example of a fantasy. (Say something gentler and less of a shock that you would genuinely like to do like sex in the kitchen or whatever). It can mean something you simply want to do that seems interesting or exciting it does not need to be something wild or crazy". Say something like that to show that you are interested in what she is interested in without having her scared into believing that the only answers you are looking for are hardcore shockers that she may not be interested in at all.

The other thing is some people can easily talk about sexual fantasies but that does not mean they would actually want to enact them. You can read over and over on this site about married men who entertain the idea of thinking about their wives partaking in a threesome but when asked if they would ever want that to actually happen they will very firmly say no. It can be fun to talk about things but do not mistake talking about things for actually wanting to go through with it.

And another thing, if she says she is not interested, and makes that very clear, in something in particular like having sex in a park with people watching then leave it alone. If you nag she can easily become resentful.

[JonDoe]

Some fantasies are very hot to talk about before and/or during sex, even if both partners never intend to act on them in real life. Perhaps you could tell her about a sexy dream you had recently that just so happens to be a fantasy too.

For example, assume she has a fantasy about receiving oral from a women, but has no intention of ever trying it. You could whisper various aspects of the fantasy in her ear while either or both of you are manually pleasing her. Likewise, she could do the same for you. Call me weird if you will, but I find that to be very hot!!!

[bienvenotto]

Thanks for all comments.
I really appreciate them. Thank you very much.

I'll try to work on lighter, and more elegant stuff.

[ItsASecret]

Bienvenotto, tet us know if she was move receptive to those lighter things. Remember try not to make a fantasy about one singular subject, like a threesome. Reword the question about fantasies into a question about what she would find exciting or at the very least perks her interest in doing. A common one for women is sex infront of a fireplace, or on the beach. Throw the idea of locations around rather than actual kinkier fantasies.

[jen1447]

An interesting twist to this (while acknowledging your comments, IAS) is that caution and tentativeness don't exactly translate well into sexual excitement. So in other words, if we want a guy to be very careful about what he wants or suggests, for fear of offending us, what might that do to his confidence and sense of 'manliness?' Genuine fear is usually not very sexy.

Personally I'd rather just out with it (I certainly don't pull any punches myself so I don't expect him to), and if it crosses the line then I'll put him in check. I understand everyone's different tho, just offering an opposing perspective for him to consider.

[ItsASecret]

An interesting twist to this (while acknowledging your comments, IAS) is that caution and tentativeness don't exactly translate well into sexual excitement. So in other words, if we want a guy to be very careful about what he wants or suggests, for fear of offending us, what might that do to his confidence and sense of 'manliness?' Genuine fear is usually not very sexy.

True, fear is not very sexy. However if a man knows his SO is not into something in particular then he will be guarded in his comments anyway. I am not sure how a man would feel less "manly" by avoiding to mention a lesbian threesome fantasy, for example, to his wife. For many men the reason they do not say things is because they know their wives, they know how they feel about certain things and they know if their wife is definitely not the type to be open to certain things. As a result they believe the best thing to do is to keep the fantasy to themselves for the reason of avoiding argument not because they fear of feeling less manly. The only thing I can think of that could affect a man feeling "manly" is if he or she had a fantasy of generally dis-approved male contact like having relations with another man or a guy having a fantasy of anal play on himself. Generally speaking fantasies like that are considered no-go areas to men, making it less manly for a man to wish for those things.

[jen1447]

Manly simply in terms of asserting himself, not the content of any particular fantasy itself, which is a traditional male behavior. In other words if he tiptoes around a woman in fear of her reaction to what he wants to suggest, that won't likely make him feel very traditionally assertive and manly, which in turn may dampen his sexual confidence since he has 'failed to be the man' and assert himself lol.

Before anyone takes offense, I'm not suggesting that to 'be a man' you have to force yourself or your desires on a woman - far from it. But having your desires inhibited and regulated by a woman probably won't go far to helping your self-esteem, which like it or not is still dependant to some extent on traditional gender roles.

IMO, in generally healthy sexual relationships, women should lighten up on this. I'm 'in charge' of my relationship with the BF for example, but I still let him exercise his 'manly authority' because I know it's good for him and I care for him and want him to be well.

[rcoreyus]

I think that in a relationship either partner should feel free to talk about what they want or fantasize about. If the other person doesn't want to do something, that's fine, but a negative reaction is very damaging to fun and intimacy. If someone wants a threesome, they should be able to say so. If the other doesn't, they can say "sorry, I don't think that would work for me". . If the partner instead goes into the "why would you want that, what am I not good enough for you...." sort of comment, that generates a fear of rejection for any suggestion.