[muffin70]

I have decided I can’t take this anymore and need to have a talk to my wife.
It’s been about a month since we’ve had any form of sex and she is either too tired, or not in the mood, or it’s ‘that time of the month’ (which has never bothered me in the past)

I know she has a sore knee and has been seeing a specialist for that, but she always says things like ‘oh we go to bed too late’ (which is true) and she is not a morning person. But the last 3 nights I have made a conscious effort to get to bed early and was in bed 1 hr early last night, but when I leant over to kiss her and ask if she would like to make love said she was too tired…

Usually we have sex on a Sunday morning because that’s our ‘sleep in’ day, but that hasn't hasppened recently either!

Every morning I get up before her and have my shower and get ready for work, then I get breakfast ready, make coffee, get our lunches ready for the day…etc… all she has to do is get up , get dressed and everything is there for her.

After work we normally go to the gym or the local pool for about an hour, then we come home and I am the one who usually gets dinner ready, cleans up any dirty dishes from the day and usually do the dishes from dinner…. Then I prepare our lunches for the next day…. All this while she is sitting watching TV.

Now I am not complaining – I will do anything for my wife… I love her to bits, but I would like to have more regular sex….. and I don’t want to ‘demand’ more sex, but at the same time I don’t know how to bring up the subject and tell her exactly how I feel….

I know that when we do have sex next I will be extremely turned on that I will probably ejaculate inside her within a couple of minutes… and it will be all over for another week or 2 or whenever

She doesn’t like it if I admit to having masturbated between our love making sessions – but I simply can’t hold on that long and need regular relief – she doesn’t seem to understand that.

How can I bring up this with my wife in a polite manner so she will understand?

[Motorguy]

I have decided I can’t take this anymore and need to have a talk to my wife.
It’s been about a month since we’ve had any form of sex and she is either too tired, or not in the mood, or it’s ‘that time of the month’ (which has never bothered me in the past)

I know she has a sore knee and has been seeing a specialist for that, but she always says things like ‘oh we go to bed too late’ (which is true) and she is not a morning person. But the last 3 nights I have made a conscious effort to get to bed early and was in bed 1 hr early last night, but when I leant over to kiss her and ask if she would like to make love said she was too tired…

Usually we have sex on a Sunday morning because that’s our ‘sleep in’ day, but that hasn't hasppened recently either!

Every morning I get up before her and have my shower and get ready for work, then I get breakfast ready, make coffee, get our lunches ready for the day…etc… all she has to do is get up , get dressed and everything is there for her.

After work we normally go to the gym or the local pool for about an hour, then we come home and I am the one who usually gets dinner ready, cleans up any dirty dishes from the day and usually do the dishes from dinner…. Then I prepare our lunches for the next day…. All this while she is sitting watching TV.

Now I am not complaining – I will do anything for my wife… I love her to bits, but I would like to have more regular sex….. and I don’t want to ‘demand’ more sex, but at the same time I don’t know how to bring up the subject and tell her exactly how I feel….

I know that when we do have sex next I will be extremely turned on that I will probably ejaculate inside her within a couple of minutes… and it will be all over for another week or 2 or whenever

She doesn’t like it if I admit to having masturbated between our love making sessions – but I simply can’t hold on that long and need regular relief – she doesn’t seem to understand that.

How can I bring up this with my wife in a polite manner so she will understand?

Well Muffin, i am sorry you going through this and I have never had this problem in my marriage. You seem to be a great husband doing stuff around the house making diner and lunches and so on. But i think myself she dealing with some type of depression issue. I am not sure how old you and your wife are or how long you two have been married. But I had a friend who went through this same problem with his wife they saw marriage counseling and they are like newly weds now. If you been married a long while some people get into a rut and get bored with there life's and sometimes they push loves ones away to deal with there inter issue. If she at the age of maybe early menopause that could be a determining factor as well. But communication is the key here and sit your wife down and have serous talk on what is the problem and maybe counseling is the answer for you both.I hope you get this figure and may god bless you in your efforts to stand behind your wife in this rough time of your marriage good day.

[Trixareforkids]

I'd start by asking her what's going on, in the gentlest way possible. Has anything changed, birth control, other health issues? If not ask her what she's thinking about that's distracting her from sex. Low libido & distraction = no sex, at least it did for me. If she's a reader suggest some erotic reading for bedtime, she could read out load to you while you start the foreplay and drop the book when she's ready to jump in. It's hard to be distracted while reading.

If you can't seem to come to an arrangement, let her know that you'll be doing erotic reading/watching yourself and letting things take their natural course and she can join you or not as she chooses.

That's the best I've got with the info you provided.

[muffin70]

thanks for your replies,
we've been married 11.5 years, mid 40's couple with no kids... we are both overweight and have some health problems with that (me type 2 diabetes, her knee problems) although we do try to exercise regularly and eat reasonably healthy.
Last year she did read the 50 shades of grey books, and I'd read stories about woman who read those books and wanted rip their husbands clothes off and make love to them right there and then.... but alas that never happened to me.... those books never really had an effect on her or our sex life... (and yes I was a little disappointed)
I don't think there is any sort of depression issue, but I think I will ask her tonight if she is ok and if she has any problems she wants to talk about...

we do lead sometimes semi-separate lives at home.... she likes to record some TV programs during the day (about 2-3hrs worth) that I don't like to watch and she will watch them at night if there is nothing else on that we want to watch. When she does this I go into the spare room and look up Facebook / youtube....
she complains I spend too much time on the computer and I always tell her that I only do it because I am not interested in watching the programs she has recorded....

we definitely need to have a good talk about things, but I'm just not sure how to start the conversation!

[Trixareforkids]

Yeah, it's much easier to talk about from the outside than to DO when you're on the inside. I'm afraid you just need to pick a calm moment, preferably one when you're cuddling or otherwise feeling happy together and come at it from that vulnerable place inside you. If she can feel that you're really concerned before she feels that you're also (justifiably) frustrated, hopefully she'll be able to answer and y'all will have the 1st of the many conversations it's going to take to get you to a place you're both comfortable with.

The reading suggestion is a quick fix that doesn't really address any underlying issues. But hey, if you can get it to work, why not try It worked for us, at least occasionally, when I had no/low libido and if we had similar sleep schedules and no kid in our bed it'd work a lot more often

I really wish you luck, you're at one of those places that most couples face and I hope you find a good (for both of you) way through it.

[mandrus]

Having this conversation is never easy. It makes you feel guilty or unreasonable for wanting more of your wife and in most cases it makes her feel guilty or judged that your needs arent being satisfied, which in turn can make things even worse. You need to find a way to make this about helping her, and satisfying her. If you say something like "listen, we have not made love/had sex in a while...is there something I can be doing better to satisfy you?" then it appears that you are taking HER needs into account. I am no expert but I can tell you that just asking for more sex usually doesnt have effective results. There is a reason she isnt having sex. It could be depression as mentioned before or she could be getting her needs met in other ways. Does she masturbate? If so, then maybe you could check to see how often. If she is open and honest about it, then you could simply ask. If not, and she uses toys, you could check to see if they have been used by taking note of how they are placed where ever the storage area is and seeing if they have been used since you last checked.
If she is masturbating, and you know this, then you have need for a real conversation. If she isnt, then it is more likely depression or some hormonal imbalance. She also may just be having self esteem issues, make sure you reassure her that she is sexy and you desire her. If she doesnt feel sexy, she isnt going to want to have sex.
Hope this helps

[effy2014]

Lack of intimacy in a marriage is generally caused by relationship issues and not sexual ones. It could also be a personal issue with her. I agree with Trix and Motorguy that communication is the key. Of course, the way you communicate the issue is also important. One way to start a real conversation may be for you both to read the same relationship-building books (my personal favorite is Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson) and discuss them. If you want to bring up the intimacy issue, let her know that intimacy for you is not just "getting off" but a way to strengthen your emotional bond with her.

Another suggestion may be to start at ground zero. Take the intimacy out of the bedroom for a bit and into the rest of your daily routine. You may not like the shows she watches (I hate when my SO watches the living dead) but sit with her and cuddle. Hold hands and kiss.

I know how tough it can be. Been there. But if the marriage is otherwise worth it, communicate through the problem. Therapy is always an option.

[jreacher]

Related issue: my wife had always had a hard time being intimate in bed, until she discovered that she had no level of testosterone. That fixed (after 30 years) she now still does not allow me to touch her breasts. Many times, she really doesn't want me to touch her anywhere. Just...my you know what in her. She will pull my hands away. I can not make her feel good unless she allows me. I love her very much and we are best friends. I was wondering if this is common for women? If so, I can live with it. I'm aware I may have it in my head it should be different, when the reality is not.

[Motorguy]

Related issue: my wife had always had a hard time being intimate in bed, until she discovered that she had no level of testosterone. That fixed (after 30 years) she now still does not allow me to touch her breasts. Many times, she really doesn't want me to touch her anywhere. Just...my you know what in her. She will pull my hands away. I can not make her feel good unless she allows me. I love her very much and we are best friends. I was wondering if this is common for women? If so, I can live with it. I'm aware I may have it in my head it should be different, when the reality is not.

Well Jreacher my wife loves her 34D's to be play with if I not playing with them during sex. i know for a fact she be asking me what the hell wrong with my boobs mister. Just like Muffin wife some serious communication issue are going on here and for the wife to just lay there and do nothing while having sex is not good either it's like she bored of the whole process that's a wood killer for me. So again there is issue, how well do you know of your wife's childhood. I hate to say this was she molested at a young age and close her self off to men and being touched so here is question you need to asked her or again seek help from a sexually therapist because this marriage is not healthy for you or your wife. I not saying sex is the only thing in a marriage but without a good sexually marriage what to you have a good friend you live with. This is why some men or women cheat on there spouse because they won't take the time to solve these issue. Make a time on the weekend there's no job to get up and go to but spend the time to get to the bottom of these
issue you talking of here on this site so good luck in finding out wife's issues.

[jreacher]

Well Jreacher my wife loves her 34D's to be play with if I not playing with them during sex. i know for a fact she be asking me what the hell wrong with my boobs mister. Just like Muffin wife some serious communication issue are going on here and for the wife to just lay there and do nothing while having sex is not good either it's like she bored of the whole process that's a wood killer for me. So again there is issue, how well do you know of your wife's childhood. I hate to say this was she molested at a young age and close her self off to men and being touched so here is question you need to asked her or again seek help from a sexually therapist because this marriage is not healthy for you or your wife. I not saying sex is the only thing in a marriage but without a good sexually marriage what to you have a good friend you live with. This is why some men or women cheat on there spouse because they won't take the time to solve these issue. Make a time on the weekend there's no job to get up and go to but spend the time to get to the bottom of these
issue you talking of here on this site so good luck in finding out wife's issues.

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I'm not going to cheat in her. She doesn't just lay there. It's more like she wants to be in control, and do only one thing. I don't mind the control thing, but she's so rushed, and with little forplay, I'm the one who really sometimes am allowed to just lay there, not to touch. Any sensative spot.

I've asked her the childhood question. We talk about it. She just has no explanation. That's why I came to a women's forum, kinda hoping a lot if women were like this.