[faeluna]

This requires a little back story - please bear with me; I really need the advice!

I am 24 and my boyfriend is 31. He was previously married to an older woman (37 now) for six years. She had no interest in sex. He didn't go into detail (not that I'd want that), but what I do know is that they did it very rarely, fought often, and the last year or so of the marriage was sexless. My boyfriend therefore used porn to get off.

When he's with me, sometimes he's rock solid the whole time, and other times he has trouble staying hard. He definitely cannot go more than once in a day, and going every day is rough on him, too. The desire is there, but his body doesn't cooperate with him. My drive is also very high. We both get very into it; the passion is there. But sometimes, right in the middle... he goes limp.

I've read online that watching porn can desensitize men and cause a form of ED. I'm wondering if that's what's going on here... or if it's his stamina or other factors. He has a high stress job and we both work out to stay in shape. We have a lot of fun together and talk openly about everything. Only, he's very sensitive about making sure he's pleasing me.

I'm concerned about him not staying hard. I know he's worried about it, too. He's only 31 and very active. Help is appreciated! (Especially from the guys on here!)

[Motorguy]

This requires a little back story - please bear with me; I really need the advice!

I am 24 and my boyfriend is 31. He was previously married to an older woman (37 now) for six years. She had no interest in sex. He didn't go into detail (not that I'd want that), but what I do know is that they did it very rarely, fought often, and the last year or so of the marriage was sexless. My boyfriend therefore used porn to get off.

When he's with me, sometimes he's rock solid the whole time, and other times he has trouble staying hard. He definitely cannot go more than once in a day, and going every day is rough on him, too. The desire is there, but his body doesn't cooperate with him. My drive is also very high. We both get very into it; the passion is there. But sometimes, right in the middle... he goes limp.

I've read online that watching porn can desensitize men and cause a form of ED. I'm wondering if that's what's going on here... or if it's his stamina or other factors. He has a high stress job and we both work out to stay in shape. We have a lot of fun together and talk openly about everything. Only, he's very sensitive about making sure he's pleasing me.

I'm concerned about him not staying hard. I know he's worried about it, too. He's only 31 and very active. Help is appreciated! (Especially from the guys on here!)

Well Faeluna I am a male 49 My self personally never had this problem i get erect if the winds blows the wrong way lol. But i am thinking maybe your boy friend losing his erection probably your sexually encounters is lasting a long time and he was busting a nut after only a few minutes of watching porn being he was in a hurry not to be busted by his wife catching him masturbating to porn. So now when you two are together if he's not busting a nut by a few minutes his body telling him what going on and looses interest on what going on. This is my only thinking on this problem he's having to keep a erection during your love making maybe pop a dvd in and watch some porn with him and see how he reacts to it and how long he will last while you two are engage maybe he will stay hard longer knowing there is porn being played.I hope this gives you some idea on what to do so good luck in the future with this.

[jen1447]

This is such a common 'problem' that IMO is not really a problem. A genuine ED problem would be him not being able to get an erection at all. He's 31 so technically for a guy, his prime is starting to wane. It's no big deal - so he's good for once a day with his unit, that's still pretty good for your needs. The key is don't base it on performance. If he thinks you're watching closely, that'll only make him more self conscious. As long as his heart's in it he should have no problem going down on you forever, and when the sex just goes naturally that way, the rest will follow. Let him go to work with his equipment when and if the ability arises (lol), and when it doesn't, ignore it and have other types of fun. It really doesn't have to be an issue because there should be no objective standard that his performance is being evaluated by.

[muffin70]

This is a common problem and I suffered from it in the first 6 months of my relationship with my wife.... I was single for a few years and used to rent out porno videos, then used the internet to watch porn..... when I met my wife the desire was there, she was keen and willing, but I couldn't maintain or sometimes get an erection. (I was about the same age as your BF) - yet if I masturbated alone I had no problems.
I ended up seeing a sexual therapist 4-5 times and bought my GF (now wife) along for the last 2 sessions. It was the best thing ever....

The funny thing is when we started having sex after the sessions had finished, my mind went back to one of the old porno movies I had seen and I imagined my GF was the female porn actress in this particular scene from a movie, then suddenly I ejaculated inside her.....
Now after nearly 12 years of marriage I have the opposite problem... I get erections very quickly and also orgasm very quickly.

Best thing you can do is talk to him about it - maybe he feels too much pressure to 'perform' after not having regular sex for ages?

[rcoreyus]

Try not to worry about it. There are other things he can do to please you if his penis isn't working at the moment. Stress is one of the biggest causes of ED, so first thing to do is remove the stress and see if it just gets better .

[faeluna]

*MotorGuy: Thanks for your input, but I'm completely disgusted by porn and would never consider watching it or being okay with him watching it. That's completely out of the question forever.

*jen1447: We do have other kinds of fun when it happens, but I can tell it bothers him. I've never 'evaluated' him; any commentary on his performance comes straight from his own mouth. I tell him I'm happy just being with him. I do have a very hard time getting off with oral, though, whereas it's easy with sex. He gets frustrated whenever he can't get me off.

*muffin70: I think he's having the same kind of problem! He did mention to me after our first few times that he noticed he's feeling self-conscious for the first time in years. I told him he has nothing to worry about (I love his body and I just adore him), but he has trouble getting out of his own head. We do talk about it sometimes, but I'm not sure how to best go about that... any suggestions? So far he's only brought it up to me out of concern that he's not satisfying me; I don't bring it up to him our of fear that it will hurt his self-esteem or something.

*rcoreyus: The main source of the stress is his job. He's getting promoted soon and the company is undergoing a lot of structural changes. He's a key manager in all of that and I know it stresses him out. I'm not sure how to help alleviate that once he gets home.

[bubba29]

excessive porn use can certainly cause this issue. so can stress. so can medications (i don't know if he is on any). work with him on weening off porn but be there for him if he wants to masturbate. help him to forget work after he leaves it. put the cell phone and computer down when you get him. make his nights relaxing and enjoyable.

[jns]

A genuine ED problem would be him not being able to get an erection at all.

Wikipedia has erectile dysfunction defined as: "sexual dysfunction characterized by the inability to develop or maintain an erection of the penis during sexual performance."

[Something_Awesome]

Wikipedia has erectile dysfunction defined as: "sexual dysfunction characterized by the inability to develop or maintain an erection of the penis during sexual performance."

So you're saying he has ED?

[jen1447]

If anybody who's ever lost full steam during intercourse at any time qualifies, then I imagine 100% of men have erectile dysfunction. We're obviously talking in practical terms here. If he was absolutely unable to do anything to her, there would be a problem. If he's able to do something to her some of the time and other things the rest of the time, I see little problem, and in fact getting him to focus less on his down time will only help him if he's a 'part timer.'

ED to varying degrees is a fact of life for many men, and I don't think it really helps to maintain porno fantasy standards like '100% erect! 100% of the time!'