[sassy1]

Thanks and I do appreciate the input. Maybe it's a girl thing but I really want to hear a girls input. He gets home at 6 so I have an hour to get my courage up or drink it up.

[Claret]

It doesn't always have to been the big production, keep it simple, keep him guessing what you'll do next. Candles tonight, maybe on the weekend try candles, music, a glass of wine, and just the two of you in your bedroom. Try calling him at work and telling him you will look forward to your night with him. Put a note in his pants pocket, go out and have boudoir photos taken. Professional photographers do this all the time and are experts at putting you in poses that accentuate the positive and reduces the negatives. Present him with an 8 X 10 for his dresser drawer, (he can keep it hidden during the times the kids might see it) but also give him a small one to place in his wallet.

[kdc]

I think the difference here is that Sassy stated her husband was critical of her weight gain in the past. I think a good counselor is what is needed--for both parties.

Sassy, FWIW, I'm almost 60, and I've been married for 37 years (to the same man). We went for a long period of time with no sex. I gained a lot of weight after childbirth, after having had a good figure in the years before pregnancy. My self-esteem went really low. I have other health issues, which didn't help. However, about a year ago, my hormones revved up. I decided we weren't getting any younger, and I had a heart to heart with my husband. Believe it or not, the weight really doesn’t seem to bother him.

I know you don’t want to get a counselor involved, but it may be the only way you and your husband can sort through everything without brawling. At least you’d have an impartial party (referee) to help get things back on track.

Good luck!

[Rockergrl]

I hate to be the nay sayer ladies, but I'm a 46 yr old female that recently left a relationship exactly like this. Actually, HE left the relationship. The fact is, in my case, if sassy doesn't actually ENJOY sex, and I mean as in get horny, actually WANT her husband sexually, as in crave it, not all the time but at least a few times a month, then all of this effort is for nothing. Not saying there's anything wrong with not getting horny, but if she doesn't and he does, well, that's a disconnect that can't be solved. That was my situation. I just don't have the "need" that he had. He cheated, we tried to work it out, and tried, and tried, and tried, but I just never could live up to his "needs". So my son just graduated homeschool 2 months ago and a month later, he left.

[sassy1]

Wow rockrgrl that was, well, depressing. Curious, how long were you married? I do get horny I guess you could say but seriously, can any 40 year old women honestly say they have a sex craving equal to their husbands?

[XYZ99]

Let me see if I understand this because I have read this whole trail and am very concerned. My husband and I have been married for 18 years. I am, yes, I'll say it, FAT. And I don't give a second thought to getting nude in front of him, giving him a handy 2 or 3 times a week AT LEAST, sex when we are both have the energy and time, and usually when we do, the kids are home and I slip in the shower with him, lights on. It's not even something we have to think about, it's like breathing. I want to know exactly how this whole issue started so I can avoid it. I too had a Barbie doll bod when we were first married but hey, life, kids and age, Nuff said. And yea, my hubby was pretty critical of me for a while too. But that doesn't AT ALL mean I cut him off, which just cuts ME off and ultimately our whole family off. That's just stupid. Suck it up and take your da&$ clothes off, take a load off him 3 or 4 times a week and see how quickly you have him opening up and feeding you like a baby in no time. All these women you probably see who are holding hands with their hubs, kissing in public, smiling, pickin on each other, think about it. Do you really think for a minute they have gone weeks without him getting a.....release of some sort by her??? Really. No dam$ way. She's keeping him smiling and he's keeping her smiling.

[kdc]

I'm 59. DH's drive was always strong, but my drive has surpassed his.

[sassy1]

That's awesome KDC. I can only hope to be like that at 59. Good for you. XYZ, I'm not sure how it all started actually. I think it was just a slow process of drifting apart and it was out of hand before he and I realized it. 2 or 3 times per week? Really? I'm guessing that's not full out sex right?

[Motorguy]

Wow rockrgrl that was, well, depressing. Curious, how long were you married? I do get horny I guess you could say but seriously, can any 40 year old women honestly say they have a sex craving equal to their husbands?

You haven't meant my wife she is 50 looks 35 and she almost kills me some times in bed. I would say she sex crazed.

[effy2014]

Sassy,

You have been given a lot to think about. I am in my 50s -- left a bad marriage and am in a great relationship. There are a couple of things that I would like to add.

1. The "glue" in a relationship is connection. In my view it is the emotional connection between couples. For men, intimacy and emotional connection are intertwined. Lose the intimacy and the emotional connection can wither.

2. Intimacy is controlled in the brain. You and the other women that commented understand that trust is a huge issue in an emotional connection. Without trust, most women cannot enjoy or even contemplate intimacy.

3. Therapy is a necessity. You need to rebuild the trust and he needs to believe that once the trust issues are resolved, then you will be an active participant in the intimacy. Not by contriving a situation or giving him a BJ. But the two of you enjoying giving pleasure to each other.

4. This will not be well accepted by the women in the audience, but most men cheat because there is a hole in the relationship. While he needs to rebuild the trust, you need to be equally understanding of how the relationship got that way. The weight issue is for you to deal with -- it does not seem to be his issue. Work on your feelings in therapy.

5. Communication is the key. That is why couples therapy is so important. The two of you need to be able to communicate without getting defensive and with the goal of healing.

In my view, if you want to have this marriage last long term, pick a long term strategy. You can't sustain intimacy without fixing what's wrong in the relationship. If I were your husband, thinking that you are being intimate without really wanting to be, would be worse than nothing.