[sassy1]

Okay ladies, I need some help. And no offense, but I need advice from the 40's club ladies out there who can relate to my age and still has kids in the house. My husband is simply frustrated (sexually). Let me say this about him. He's a great father to our kids, 10 and 16. He has worked his tail off to become successful from absolutely nothing and provides well for us to the point that I really do not have to work if I don't want to. It's been nice to be able to just be there for the kids. He works hard, often long hours, very frustrating job and stressful for him, but he is a very determined man and never gives up on anything. Back before our first child was born, early on in our marriage, we used to have sex everywhere; in the car, kitchen, bedroom, shower, couch, you name it. Middle of the day, night, morning, etc., etc. After being married about 5 years, I began to put on weight. At first he was very critical and yes, it hurt. I've tried and tried to lose weight but just havn't been able to really stick with any diet, and working out has never been in my "blood". After our daughter came, things quickly went downhill more. I gained more weight, and quite honestly, just before that pregnancy was the last time he ever seen me naked at all. That was 16 yrs ago. He has cheated on me once for sure and both he and I were devastated by it. There were other times that I think he has done a little slipping around but I'm just not sure. He has always stated, very VERY adamantly that he wants to stay together at all costs. He is also a romantic, used to send and bring flowers, tried leaving me little love notes everywhere in hidden places one time, has taken me out on dates, etc., etc. We used to argue about sex all the time over the past few years and he's made it clear he has not been happy with our intimacy relationship. He has said over and over that he wants me and only me, but just isn't satisfied. I can't bring myself to do anything during the day anymore with kids in the house and I really don't want him to see me naked anyway. He used to hint all the time about things like getting in the shower with him, sending the kids out, etc., but I just can't do it. We had an argument this week about the whole issue again. He hasnt touched or kissed me in weeks, maybe more. I told him I just can't "get in the mood" without intimacy of some kind but he really opened up to me and said it doesn't matter anyway. The same old routine of 10 o'clock under the covers sex, once a month, just isn't appealing to him anymore. He said he'd rather just go without because knowing he's made the decision to go without is easier for him to cope with rather than always wanting what he knows I can't give. And before you ask, I'm confident he isn't cheating. I feel he has just given up on "us". I want to please him, I just don't know how. At this point, all the flowers, dates, notes, etc., etc., that he used to do have stopped. He seems to be in a constant state of just grumpiness. Can someone help!

[DreamP346]

sassy, I am a 40 year old woman in the opposite situation. My husband is the one who is not interested in sex and I am actually going through exactly what your husband is going through. Let me tell you, if you want to make your marriage work, you better change things immediately.

I also completely shut down. Having sex once every few months (and bad sex) was worst then not having any. Having sex kept hope alive that things might change. But it didn't. So it was easier to kill off that hope by shutting down the sex drive completely. The other thing is I didn't want to have sex with a person who didn't want to have sex with me (which I am guessing your husband is feeling too). It made me hate myself. After each time we had sex, I was disgusted with myself. By shutting down, I was able to cope with the situation better. I had less mood swings and less crying fits. But I was grumpy all the time. My feelings for my husband slowly started to wane. Now I just think of him as a roommate. I care about him, but I'm not sure I can say I'm in love with him. I also don't do all the special things I used to do for him. It's just a matter of time before your husband will start feeling the same. Right now he still loves you. But that will go away soon. Then he will only be staying with you because of the kids. Once the kids grow up and leave, he will have not reason to stay in the marriage and will leave.

If you want to save this marriage, you need to change things NOW! I would suggest you see a sex therapist immediately. They are usually marriage counselors that also have knowledge regarding sexual matters. Look up the AASECT website for a certified sex therapist. Tell your husband that you are committed to this relationship and that you want to work at it. Ask him to go to therapy with you. The therapist will help your sex life, your issues with body confidence and your relationship overall.

good luck.

[Claret]

I've gone down the route of having two teenagers in the house and try to find some couples time. I've been the route whereby I detested the weight I had put on (this from a person who was 128 and gained the first 15 OR 20 pounds). I'm now up even further from that but I've learned to love my body as it is. I may be overweight but I'm fit. One of the first steps then would be to start getting fit. Next - change your look. It sounds as if you are stuck in mommy mode. Get a new hair style, get some comfortable work out clothing to wear around the house. Every time you catch yourself in the mirror do something active. It all adds up. Start wearing makeup, make yourself into the person you were in the beginning of the relationship. Do something nice for yourself. When you start feeling better it becomes easier and that will spill over into your relationship. Have a date night. Not with sex being the end result but with you getting to know your husband all over again. Figure out what it is you still love and work on that aspect of your marriage.

Purchase some nice frilly sexy nightgowns. You don't have to always be fully undressed when you make love, leaving some items of clothing on can be quire provocative. Keep the lights dimmed low, use candles if you're uncertain of your body. Sometimes more is less in clothing.

Get intimate. As you pass by him sitting on the couch put your hand on his shoulder let it drift down his arm. Do you see him off to work at the door in the morning. I do. I'm up, my hair is brushed, face washed and dressed by the time my husband leaves for work. I see him to the door, and I kiss him goodbye. I don't just do the quick peck on the lip, it is a full on body-to-body, arms around his neck good-bye kiss.

I've been married and with this same man for +30 years and we are still very intimate. Trust me these things will work for you. It will help you get closer to him and in wanting to spend time with him.

[rcoreyus]

As others have said, you have got to fix this. It sounds like he is still attracted to you after you put on weight (if I'm reading this right). You have to show that you are still attracted to him. Do send the kids out for they day. Take a romantic weekend away together. Tell him you want to fix it. Do the things you know he likes in bed.

I also when through this. Being rejected by your partner is really devastating, and completely poisons a relationship. I'm not saying this to blame you but to let you know how important this is. I think you can fix this and you will be amazed at how much happier both of you are.

[sassy1]

I hear what everyone is saying and I really do appreciate it. One thing he said the other night that sort of stuck with me is that he realizes I don't trust him because of the cheat episode and of course the lies that led up to my finding out, but he said he only wants me and only me. He said he was in the marriage for the long run, good or bad, and he wanted the old me back. That really hurt and not that I'm trying to justify what he did for him, but it did make me think that maybe if I'd of been there the way he needs me, that episode may have never happened. I'm just a really untrusting person and I carry a big load of resentment for that. But it's really gotten to the point that he has sort of shut down on me completely now. I hear what is being said, I just don't know if I can do it. No, I dont' get up with him in the morning or see him home. We haven't actually touched, even a hallway brush in weeks. And now he says it's easier for him to just have it in his head to not expect any sort of sex than to want it and be disappointed. I don't get that. I thought any sex was good sex? He's told me that even a hand-j#$ or a BJ would do wonders but it's the whole lights on thing I just can't get past. How do I let my guard down, even for a HJ, and just do it? And if you were in my shoes, how would you "break the ice" so to speak especially when the ice is this thick? I'm not sure he'd even be open to doing anything with me anymore. It really bothers me what sp346 said above about when the kids are gone. It bothers me because he laughs, pokes fun at, and rolls around with my kids and is just a big kid himself with them. But towards me it's 180 degrees opposite.

[rcoreyus]

You can fix this.

Forgive him (in your mind) for cheating. Many people who were not getting sex at home would do the same. If intimacy returns to your marriage his motivation to cheat will go away.

Any sex is not good sex. Love an intimacy are what matter. Any man can get sexual release with his hand in a few minutes - but that is not what he wants. He wants to feel desired. He wants intimacy and love.

He wants the lights on because he IS still attracted to you. He wants to see YOU.

He has shut you down, doesn't touch you because it is too painful. Every touch reminds him of the constant rejection.

How to break the ice - use a big axm Don't do half measures. Find some time alone with him, or in the evening when the kids have gone to bed. Tell him you want things to change, and then do something for him. (don't discuss, just tell him and do it). Give him a full BJ if that is his favorite - or do whatever is his favorite thing (even if it isn't yours). If he enjoys it, do it again the next day. If (When) he offers to do something for you, tell him what you want.

What might happen:

1). He might reject you. If he does, then the marriage really is over, you are just waiting for the kids to leave. This won't have made it any worse, it will just let you know the situation.

2). He may take advantage of you - accepting sexual favors and doing nothing in return. Well, if that goes on for a week, then you know he is selfish and you have nothing to loose if the marriage ends.

3). You may get back the man you love, see the hidden love notes and the flowers again. Be regularly intimate, trying to stay quiet every night while the kids are sleeping. You and he will be happy, and your children will see parents who love each other.

I know this sounds like I am saying that you should do everything, but I really think it might just turn things around, and you really don't have anything to lose.

[DreamP346]

I thought any sex was good sex?

No, not at all, especially when it's with somebody you love. Try to put yourself in his shoes for a minutes. You are with the one you love. You are willing to do anything for them, even enduring years in a relationship with barely any sex. This lack of sex is making you miserable. Now what is this person that you love so much doing to help alleviate something that is causing you so much unhappiness. NOTHING!

So every time you guys have sex, it is a reminder how much you are not willing to do for him, for this relationship. It is reminding him that you just don't love him as much as he loves you.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but this is what is going through his head right now.

The first thing you need to do/show is that this relationship and your husband are important to you and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. That is why it is sooooo important that you talk to him. Saying you have issues with sex and your body is one thing. Not trying to overcome it or show effort is far worst. That is the part that is killing him. He made mistakes, but it appears he is regretful and has tried to make amends (correct me if I am wrong on this assumption). You made mistakes (lack of interest in sex), but what have you done to make amends/fix the problem?

Second, follow-through on what you say you will do. Claret has some great advice. If you don't feel comfortable in your body, there is still so much you can do. Schedule a trip without kids. I am guessing that if you are comfortable enough not to have to work, you can afford childcare for a weekend end. Go away somewhere exotic or to a place you went in your younger days when sex was good (honeymoon place). It's a scientific fact that vacations make people have more sex and helps rekindle lost romances. Have a few drinks to help you let go of your inhibitions.

Once back from the trip, keep that feeling alive. This is where many couples go wrong. They succeed with the trip and have a good time, but don't keep up the effort when they come back to daily routines.

I really wish you the best.

[Stillness]

Does he know what you told us about how critical he was hurting you? I think he should be told that. My guess is he'll probably apologize and assure you that he still loves you and wants you. Sometimes we say things carelessly not realizing how much they hurt. He probably doesn't care as much as you think he does or as much as you do.

Also, saying it's not in your blood to be fit is a cop out. Unless you have some sort of disability, you can get in better shape. You just have to want it enough.

[sassy1]

This has been quite the tear jerking eye opener. Stillness, I see what you're saying, but I still go back and struggle with the fact that he has stayed with me and our kids for over 24 years now.
This has been one of those "go look in the mirror" moments for me. Strange the way hearing (seeing) others in the same boat have similar experiences and how they've coped, and how I may be able to learn from that, I hope anyway. It's kind of like putting a puzzle together I guess is the way to see it. There have been little things over the past few years that I have gotten very (VERY) angry about like the cheating episode, lies here and there, a distance that leaves suspicion in my mind, etc., etc., and for most of those I think my anger is completely justified. But looking back, the happiest he and I have been was when we had brief times of really good mind-blowing sex. He was more open to me during those times than at any other time. But that is also a reason for my insecurity I guess. Is that really what it takes to get him to open up? Am I just a "toy" for him? Do I have to "give myself up" to get him to talk to me? Or, is THAT what marriage is...........? Where we enjoy each other, keep each other happy, which makes us more open, which gets rid of those little suspicions and things he does........ I guess it makes sense that the more open we are sexually, the more open we'll be when not in the sack. I just don't know if it's too late at this point. I'm confident he hasn't cheated again. And over, and over, and over he has "said" he just wants the real "me" back, whereever that person is. I have just become so clammed up and "prudish" I guess that I've forgotten what it's like to just go jump in the shower with him unexpectedly with no inhibitions or just close the door on him in the middle of the day................all things I used to do in our 20's by the way. While it sounds good on here, I'm not sure I can do that anymore.

[Stillness]

Yeah, I think sex is that important. Two people with all sorts of differences in background, views, style of parenting and communication are going to have difficulties moving as one. Sex is the mortar that makes the uneven bricks fit together.

It's not for him. It's for both of you.