[rcoreyus]

You wrote before: "He's told me that even a HJ or BJ wouldod wonders..." If he said that at all recently then I think there is almost no chance he will turn you down, especially if you make it clear that this isn't one-time but that you want things to be different. I think it would be his dream come true.

There is no way to know for sure, but life isn't certain. Don't let the small possibility of rejection get in the way of happiness for both of you. When you get right down to it, what would you lose if he did turn you down?

The reason I'm advising against taking things slowly and discussing is that there is probably a lot of pent up frustration and anger here. A discussion could easily blow up and make things worse by turning into a blame contest. My idea is not to try to figure out what happened or why, but simply to roll the clock back to when you were young and in love. How you got here doesn't mater, it only matters that you get out.

Thanks rcoreyus. I need to do a little soul searching before I come out of my shell though. I appreciate the comments though. I mean, what if I let the guard down, pull hm in a room get naked, and he runs out............... Talk about rejection remorse!!! I guess somehow I just need his reassurance that something like that won't happen. I do need to do more to get myself in shape, not just for him but doctors orders also.

[sassy1]

That's an interesting input rcoreyus. Eeery again, but interesting. It seems, like this weekend, that when I try to "discuss" this issue, what happens every time is what you just said. There's a lot of held in anger and some resentment on my side and from what I'm reading and learning here, his side also. Which is probably why it, as you said, discussions always end up being blame contests and just blow up.
And as a guy whose been married for a a long time as you said, you can honestly on here, with all these people looking at your post, say that you don't care about your wife being overweight, or scarred from surgery, but you just enjoy her naked body as is, and you have no criticism towards her at all?

[CatB]

I would suggest counseling if he's willing and maybe a sex therapist. I was in kind of a similar situation with my ex husband. We were married for 12 years and I gained about 60 pounds after my first son was born and wasn't able to lose it. I had severe body image issues.

He cheated and we divorced. Sex was never an issue for us. We had electrifying sexual chemistry, but alas, that's not enough to hold a relationship together. Also proof that lack of sex is not the only reason people cheat, but I digress. I had my own issues that contributed to the falling apart of the marriage and we just grew apart.

I remarried and things with the relationship are completely different. He comes and kisses me on the cheek and tells me he loves me before he goes to work, I meet him when he first walks in from work with a big hug and kiss. We randomly reach out to each other throughout the day, and cuddle sometimes watching TV at night. We've been married for 4-1/2 years, together for over 5 years, which isn't a long time by some standards, but I will always make sure to keep that connection.

I would join a gym or some kind of fitness routine. and start feeling better about you. Talk to him and just tell him everything you're thinking, feeling, how much you love him, etc. You can't have sex without a connection, not deep, meaningful sex anyway. So, I think I would put that on the back burner and work on some other things first. Sounds like he needs more intimacy, not just sex.

[rcoreyus]

I'm anonymous here (I hope) so no reason to lie. I think she looks hot when she wears lingerie, I get excited by her touch. She sends me naughty emails (in code) and I stop thinking about work for a while. She seems to get excited when I kiss the back of her neck, or just "happen" to take off my shirt but not my jeans and wander around the house (and I'm no Adonis). I honestly have never been even to myself critical of her body.

I'm sure that a rational person would say that my wife is in her 50s. That she has a badly scarred breast, wrinkles and slightly graying hair. But that isn't what I see. I see my wife as she was when she was 18 when we first met -she was beautiful then and still is now.

I see other women and younger women beautiful as well. Back when my wife wouldn't sleep with me, I also desired other women. Now I see and appreciate their beauty, but don't feel that I want them.

I'm not claiming all men or women react this way, but I do. Sassy1, in your case though it sounds like your husband IS still very attracted to you. He may be avoiding you because the rejection is so painful, but it sounds like he still desires you. I think you need to break that ice by being really direct, get past the wall he has probably built around himself.

[sassy1]

CatB, I appreciate what you're saying but you just said what I'm trying to avoid. "Talking it out", as rcoreyus just said, only ends up in endless blame games and more hurt feelings. I'm just exhausted from all that and he's shut me out from it and just shut down. Not saying counseling isn't a good thing, but sounds like if you divorced after he cheated, you didn't even bother trying to give it a chance. To give my husband a little credit, he made it clear to me he wanted to continue at all costs. And that was 11 years ago. You've been married for 4 1/2 years. Come back and repost when you have another 15 years added to that 4 1/2 and let us know how it's going. Not to be harsh to you here, but I'm trying to avoid what you said happened to you.

[Stillness]

Sassy, I've dealt with weight issues all my life. Only within the past couple of years have I found something that works for me. Once I saw it working I locked onto it and haven't let go. It takes a lot of willpower, but you just have to find what works for you and hang on to it.

I'm male.

This is womens health. I feel lied to.

[CatB]

The cheating happened over 2 years before we divorced and we tried. And it really wasn't the reason. I forgave him. Maybe the cheating shouldn't have been mentioned, but I believe my issues were a contributing factor to the divorce, not the cheating. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I don't want what happened to me to happen to anyone. I have two kids, teenagers, who are greatly affected, almost 6 years later. I would've died before giving up my family. Did not take it lightly.

[sassy1]

Stillness, please, do let go of whatever it is you've found.

[sassy1]

Ok, so thinking this through. Here's my plan. I'm going to do this tonight. I'm not completely comfortable with the lights on thing just yet, but I will light a candle and maybe try the HJ/BJ thing. I think that'll be a decent ice breaker. Maybe tomorrow jump in head first with full blown sex. Not sure I can do the lights on thing just yet, but maybe some candles. Baby steps here. With what everyone has said, I hope to get him opening up to me more and more if I keep up my end. Hopefully, if this works, we can turn this around and keep it up. Which leads into my next question. HOW do you keep this up (for those of you who have been here)?

[Stillness]

I mentioned before what turned things around for my wife and I. People don't seem to be too keen on it. Scheduling. Sounds bland and unromantic, I know, but we tried it and our relationship has been much better since.

Incidentally, we don't really keep to the "sex days," but just trying it was what seemed to mark a turning point. I'm not saying it happened out of the blue, because we talked and cried and were frustrated for a long time. If I can point to a moment, though, that was it. We had sex much more than we were supposed to initially. Sadly, we haven't quite kept that pace, but that brought us closer than we had ever been (at least for me).