[sassy1]

Never really thought of it like that I guess. I've always been under the premise that "love" is all that's needed. I heard one time a long time ago that sex is the glue in a relationship.

Ok, ok ok. So what you're all saying is that I need to just have a stiff drink, yank him in a room, and go to town. And do it over and over and over and the glue will get sticky again,,,,,,,,,,,hopefully. And the bad thing is, as bad as I hate to admit it, I know inside that what you're saying is EXACTLY what he wants really, really bad. Ok,,,,,,,,,,,,,I'll try it. I'm going to do this.

[sassy1]

That's very hard hitting message Stillness. I heard one time that sex is the glue in all marriages. I've been trying to live by the premise that "love" is what keeps people together. The bad thing here, the really bad thing, is that everything everyone has said is what I know is what he's been wanting......... I even read another similar forum on another website today that said pretty much the same things said here. They even said that it is important, no matter what we as women look like or think we look like, to give husbands that "visual cue" of nakedness because it's in their internal instincts to have that. I laughed a little and thought, "wow, so THAT's why the parking lot is always full at topless bars when you drive by". A funny thought, but once I really thought about, how sad of a thought as well. I guess if all their wives (for those in there who are married) where giving them that visual cue, they wouldn't be emptying their bank accounts in there................ It's like a common sense slap in the face. I get it, and I'll try it.

[jen1447]

Sorry if I'm muddying the waters here (also I'm not over 40 fwiw), but I think just jumping him out of nowhere is not the right approach, and I think the other ladies here have said as much too. Communicate first, then when you've hopefully ironed out some issues, jump him. Just attacking him sexually with this wall still between you two will seem very strange and isn't ideal imo.

[sassy1]

Yea, that sort of scares me. I tried to "start" a little something this weekend and was completely turned down. Thus the argument began about this whole issue we are discussing. Like I've said, I just don't seem to have the energy I used to have or really, the desire I guess. Don't get me wrong, when I'm into it, oh, it's good. I agree with him that for the past few years, probably longer, I've become what you'd call a prude. I'm just very self conscious over the body I've let myself develop, which I'm not happy with at all. Kids and life happens, you get a little older, energy goes down, diets don't work, or I don't let them work, and thus here I am in this predicament. I want to just be together and have that closeness we used to have and not have to expect sex every time. Okay, so maybe I've let myself go, maybe I'm not fulfilling the "visual" side or the quick HJ or BJ in the morning, but I don't think I should have to do that to get him to be close to me either. I can't just prostitute myself for a little affection. Am I going too femininistic on my expectations (if that's a word)?

[sassy1]

WAIT, you're not at least 40 Jen!!!! You don't count then!! Until you know what it's like to look in the mirror and have the nips pointing down instead of up,,,,,,,,,,you don't count......... (I'm kidding of course,,,,,,,,,I thank you for your input and thoughts).

[Motorguy]

This has been quite the tear jerking eye opener. Stillness, I see what you're saying, but I still go back and struggle with the fact that he has stayed with me and our kids for over 24 years now.
This has been one of those "go look in the mirror" moments for me. Strange the way hearing (seeing) others in the same boat have similar experiences and how they've coped, and how I may be able to learn from that, I hope anyway. It's kind of like putting a puzzle together I guess is the way to see it. There have been little things over the past few years that I have gotten very (VERY) angry about like the cheating episode, lies here and there, a distance that leaves suspicion in my mind, etc., etc., and for most of those I think my anger is completely justified. But looking back, the happiest he and I have been was when we had brief times of really good mind-blowing sex. He was more open to me during those times than at any other time. But that is also a reason for my insecurity I guess. Is that really what it takes to get him to open up? Am I just a "toy" for him? Do I have to "give myself up" to get him to talk to me? Or, is THAT what marriage is...........? Where we enjoy each other, keep each other happy, which makes us more open, which gets rid of those little suspicions and things he does........ I guess it makes sense that the more open we are sexually, the more open we'll be when not in the sack. I just don't know if it's too late at this point. I'm confident he hasn't cheated again. And over, and over, and over he has "said" he just wants the real "me" back, whereever that person is. I have just become so clammed up and "prudish" I guess that I've forgotten what it's like to just go jump in the shower with him unexpectedly with no inhibitions or just close the door on him in the middle of the day................all things I used to do in our 20's by the way. While it sounds good on here, I'm not sure I can do that anymore.

I am going to throw my two cent worth on this topic Sassy.What i read is your husband wants you back to the sexy body of when you was before the kids came around. I think he's does loves you but his mind set is he doesn't want to have sex with you so his cheating once was him getting back to that time you was probably like the women he cheated with.I really think you both need marriage therapy and work out these issue you two are having and talk about why the sexless marriage on his part with you. Plus you can finally get to the root of all this is your husband still cheating. I mean he did cheat and he's not having sex with you so where is he getting it. Did he stop cold turkey with sex those are the real question here for both of you to come around and come to face it.

[Motorguy]

Sassy i am almost 50 and married a beautiful women who is 50 for almost 27 years with 4 daughters and two grand daughters.

[rcoreyus]

Sassy, its not obvious from my username, but I'm male. I was in a very similar situation for 25 years. I loved my wife and desired her and she constantly turned me down. From what I can tell, she thought she was unattractive - which wasn't true. She had surgery for breast cancer that left one breast deformed, but I didn't care - I saw (and still see) the 18 year old I fell in love with so many years ago.

The lack of sex was devastating. It was difficult for me to touch her because every touch reminded me of what I couldn't have. Every nice thing I did for her, she saw as a bribe for sex.

I finally confronted her one day and tried to explain how I felt. For some reason this time she understood - maybe she could tell this was the last time I was going to ask. We had sex then, and the following day. It may have been very slightly awkward after such a long break, but only the first time or two, after a week it was natural and fun for both of us. Within a month it was as if the 25 years of misery hadn't happened - we were happy, really happy. I could give her flowers, or kiss her on the back of the neck without her thinking I was molesting her. We could cuddle together on the sofa watching TV without me feeling denied. She walks around in the evenings in lingerie, (and she's over 50) and enjoys my staring at her. Life is good.

What I'm saying is that things can improve amazingly quickly. I don't know if Jen's "go slow" approach, or my "jump him" is the right answer for YOU. For me, immediate was definitely better because my wife had many times talked about "trying" to be intimate more often, only to have it fade again after one or two lovemaking sessions. I needed it to be clear that this time things really were different.

btw: by "jump him" I mean spend no more than 60 seconds saying why, then jump him to make it clear that you mean it. I'm also suggesting really going out of your way to do what he likes.

Of course we don't know you or what your relationship is like, so its difficult to know what approach will work best.

[sassy1]

Well, for whatever it's worth Motorguy, he has said multiple times he doesn't care about the weight. He used to be very critical back in our 30's about it, but he's no "gem" himself here in the mid-40's and he admits that. The cheating happened at a time when we were at a "1 time per month if lucky" point. I know counseling is needed but I thought I'd pick the brains of some real people before I went to a "perfect world" shrink. Not saying thereapy isn't helpful, I'd just like to hear it from some real people living real lives in real situations first. And yes, he has at this point sort of stopped cold turkey with me. Going on about a month now. The first time I tried was this weekend (in about a month) and it didn't go well for both of us. Thus I'm on here.

[sassy1]

Thanks rcoreyus. I need to do a little soul searching before I come out of my shell though. I appreciate the comments though. I mean, what if I let the guard down, pull hm in a room get naked, and he runs out............... Talk about rejection remorse!!! I guess somehow I just need his reassurance that something like that won't happen. I do need to do more to get myself in shape, not just for him but doctors orders also.