[trb1006]

I have read several other posts here about couples with mismatched sex drives but I guess my real question is a little different from other threads.

Back story- I am 31, my husband is 43. We have been together for 10 years. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and we have 2 children together, although, for all intents and purposes, all 4 kids are his.

We have always had mismatched sex drives. Mine is way higher than his. I think the main reason his is so low is that he drinks a lot of beer. He doesn't really get drunk but it is definitely enough to significantly lower his sex drive.

We have had many discussions and arguments about our sex life over the years. He knows I have a higher than average sex drive but I don't think he really understands the full extent of it. We only have sex about once a month, on average. I take care of myself about 4 or 5 times a week although it would be more often if I had more opportunities.

Sex for me is a huge stress reliever. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't have an orgasm and I tend to get very irritated and snappy. Taking care of myself takes the edge off, but is in no way comparable to the relief I get from real sex with my husband.

In the last couple of years I have stopped asking him for sex. There's only so many times a person can be told no before they stop asking. He always has excuses, he's too stressed, he's too tired, just not in the mood right now. I think he knows he'll have a hard time getting/keeping an erection so he doesn't even want to try.

The thing is, when we do have sex, it's awesome! I love it. He knows how to please me and he seems to get a lot of pleasure out of pleasing me even if we never get to the actual main act.

Whenever I have tried to talk to him about our sex life, he immediately gets super defensive and it turns into a huge fight and then the next day, it's like nothing happened and nothing changes. I feel like deep down he knows it's his fault. He's told me time and time again that he is sexually attracted to me. Other than this one issue, we have a very good, happy relationship.

I just don't know how to get him to understand that while he's happily drinking his beer and not caring about having sex, I'm sitting here quietly going insane.

So, any suggestions on how to talk to an incredibly stubborn and set in his ways man about this so he can understand the seriousness of the situation without hurting his feelings?

[rcoreyus]

There are a lot of threads on this topic here - seems a pretty equal number of men and women find themselves in this situation. Its really miserable.

[jen1447]

Whenever I have tried to talk to him about our sex life, he immediately gets super defensive and it turns into a huge fight and then the next day, it's like nothing happened and nothing changes.

This sounds like the sweep-it-under-the-rug approach, which always surprises me because it's so obviously not resolution-oriented. Apparently a lot of people are content to operate that way.

There may not be any nice way of doing this hon. You should never be apologetic about your needs (and it sounds like your drive is actually fairly normal - daily is not really excessive.) I don't know off the cuff if there's any way to do this other than bop him over the head with it.

[DreamP346]

trb, here are some suggestions. For a brief time I was studying to be a sex therapist. I am in no way an expert. A professional will probably help better, but here are a few methods marriage counselors use:

Set aside a time to talk about sex. Schedule it. But make sure it's not around sex, so there is no expectation of sex afterwards and it's not during the high right after sex. Get rid of the kids so you can talk in private. Maybe they can stay over at friends/relatives.

Don't accuse. Talk in "I feel." For example, instead of saying "you never want to have sex with me" say "I feel like you are not interested in having sex with me." Explain how that makes you feel "every time you reject my advances, it makes we feel horrible and ugly."

Be aware that you two may not define things the say way. Sex once a month may be average for him, but for you, it's too little. Instead of staying "we don't have enough sex," try "the amount of sex we have it not enough for me."

Good luck.

[effy2014]

Relationship communication is an art. It is not something we a born to do. I learned how to communicate and listen to criticism though marital therapy and reading relationship books. SP is right on . . . if you approach this as "his problem" he will always get defensive. The "I feel" approach really works if he is willing to actually listen to the words and open up about the problem rather than formulate his defense while you are talking. Relationship communication is as much about listening skills as it is about using the right words.

You are right. He clearly knows it is his "fault" but you have no idea what the underlying issue might be. The beer drinking is a symptom, just like the lack of sex. You want him to open up about it and he may not be ready. An alternate approach might be to talk about how you know he wants to have sex more often but that you sense something is holding him back. He is a great lover and he clearly should want to use his skills to please you more often. Rather than just wanting sex for your pleasure, you also need the opportunity of showing him love and affection and need to be part of the solution to whatever emotional of physical issue that he may be keeping under wraps. However you handle it, you need to make him feel safe enough to talk.

If you want to learn more, my favorite relationship book is Sue Johnson's "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love". I am a big fan of Harville Hendrix's "Getting the Love You Want", but it's more of a long term plan. These will give you ideas. If this approach does not work, couples therapy is a real good option.

[Drifting1]

I am not condemning counseling or books, but for me and my ex-wife, none of this worked. She could go on for ages without sex. When I would ask her if she wanted to make love, she would respond by saying, "if you want". Her reply was a huge turnoff to me. After 26 years and three kids , I eventually had enough and left. Additionally, your husband sounds like he loves his beer? Could be an issue, right?

[effy2014]

I am not condemning counseling or books, but for me and my ex-wife, none of this worked. She could go on for ages without sex. When I would ask her if she wanted to make love, she would respond by saying, "if you want". Her reply was a huge turnoff to me. After 26 years and three kids , I eventually had enough and left. Additionally, your husband sounds like he loves his beer? Could be an issue, right?

Therapy doesn't always work. Sometimes you realize that the two of you are just not compatible. However, divorce is not cheap, financially or emotionally. There are children involved. It is well worth the investment in time and energy to see if issues can be solved.

Lack of intimacy is rarely the problem in a marriage. It usually is a symptom of what is wrong. If you use therapy early enough in a bad relationship, it can help. At the end stage, there is a 90% failure rate.

[Drifting1]

It takes two to tango and all the psychology in the world will not fix a marriage where the parties are incompatible, especially sexually. I spent years in counseling with my ex. If two people don't have that intimate spark, it's hard to make it work. Unless of course cheating and masturbation are acceptable options.

Divorce is expensive and often has consequences as does living miserable in a bad marriage.

[Drifting1]

And one more thought to the original poster of this thread. Maybe you are too worried about his feelings. Sometimes being too diplomatic gets you nowhere. Tell it like it is, not being rude, but being direct with your husband. Let him know what you want from the relationship. Set the standard and see how he reacts. How he does will tell you a lot.

[Gimpygoo]

I lived like this through most of my 30s. Then my hubby finally had a full physical. Turns out his testosterone was extremely low, low, low. He had no other symptoms except little need for sex. He gives himself weekly shots now and is a new man and I have my marriage back!