[DreamP346]

If two people don't have that intimate spark, it's hard to make it work.

It's not just about having that spark, but a couple's willingness to try and compromise. Mismatched sex drives are pretty common. It is usually never discussed when first meeting somebody and during that first year of courting, there is usually lot's of sex. It's not until you are fully invested in the relationship do you realize that you have mismatched sex drives. However, many couples make it work because like anything else in a relationship, they are willing to work through it and compromise. It is when one partner just does not make any effort that is the problem.

Counselling only works if both parties are willing to try. The therapist is only a vehicle to the objective. If the participants have no interest in working towards the objective, then nothing will come of it. Also, you have to find the right therapist that works for you. But again, therapist are not miracle workers. If one or both parties are not willing to actually work towards the relationship, then nothing will be accomplished.

The OP is looking for advice to have a successful dialogue with her spouse. Will the advice we have given her work? Will her husband listen? I don't know, but she is making the effort. To give up before even making every effort to save the marriage would be a great loss. There are example of folks on this forum who have mismatched sex drives that are making it work. It wasn't always working for them, but through communication and a lot of hard work, they are making their relationships work and are happy. Communication and therapy are not guaranteed tools, but they are worth trying.

[Something_Awesome]

I don't have much to contribute other than what Dr Jen always says: Sex begets sex. If you can get him to do it, I would try to build momentum off that. Not having sex can kill a sex drive.

Edit: by Dr Jen I mean Dr Jen Berman, not our Dr Jen lmao.

[effy2014]

It's not just about having that spark, but a couple's willingness to try and compromise. Mismatched sex drives are pretty common. It is usually never discussed when first meeting somebody and during that first year of courting, there is usually lot's of sex. It's not until you are fully invested in the relationship do you realize that you have mismatched sex drives. However, many couples make it work because like anything else in a relationship, they are willing to work through it and compromise. It is when one partner just does not make any effort that is the problem.

Counselling only works if both parties are willing to try. The therapist is only a vehicle to the objective. If the participants have no interest in working towards the objective, then nothing will come of it. Also, you have to find the right therapist that works for you. But again, therapist are not miracle workers. If one or both parties are not willing to actually work towards the relationship, then nothing will be accomplished.

The OP is looking for advice to have a successful dialogue with her spouse. Will the advice we have given her work? Will her husband listen? I don't know, but she is making the effort. To give up before even making every effort to save the marriage would be a great loss. There are example of folks on this forum who have mismatched sex drives that are making it work. It wasn't always working for them, but through communication and a lot of hard work, they are making their relationships work and are happy. Communication and therapy are not guaranteed tools, but they are worth trying.

Great response as usual.

[Stillness]

I just read that ejaculating 12 times per month reduces the risk of prostate cancer by 15%. Telling him it's for his own good probably won't work, but you might be able to work it in for a laugh and chuckle him right out of those underwear.

[PhrendlyPhil]

trb1006: I feel bad for you. I really do. Once a month is just sub par for a healthy 31 year old woman who "wants" it. I'm male and my wife and I had the opposite problem of you and your hubby (I have the greater libido). We get along just superbly outside the bedroom (we're quite complementary to one another). In the bedroom, though, we started to have problems fairly early in our marriage. At a certain point the rejection and frustration became so painful it started affecting our marriage in general and even our kids (I can only imagine your frustration). One day my wife and I had a long and peaceful discussion about my sexual "needs." I compared my need for sex to her need for breathing. I asked her to hold her breath for 30 seconds. When she gasped afterwards, she then understood the tension, the pressure, and the feeling of helplessness. That was 20 years ago and we've mostly had a good bedroom relationship ever since. Your case might be a little more difficult in that your husband will have to become "aroused" in order to accommodate you. But if he can become understanding of your "need", then a few little tricks on your part should easily overcome that. First off, a reduction in alcohol is certainly in order for the sake of everyone, especially in proximity to lovemaking time. For women, alcohol can take the edge off but in your case it's a non-issue. Secondly, since you're the one with the "need", you should give him notice well in advance. Say he's nursing a beer in the evening, you whisper to him that he should go ahead and enjoy his drink but that you are going to wake him up in the morning with your lips around his penis and then you're going to ride him like a bucking bronco. That way you've already put the seed in his head. You've got him in the morning when his mind is fresh and hopefully his "equipment" is working and responsive to your touch. If those ideas don't work, he may be truly low in testosterone. Make an appointment with a urologist and go in with him. By the way, have you ever masturbated in front of him? If yes, did he become aroused by it?

[trb1006]

Wow! So many great responses! I have been reading when I can but haven't had time to sit down and respond to all of you. (Busy weekend) I just wanted to let you all know I am paying attention. Hopefully tomorrow I can respond appropriately. Thanks again!