[Motorguy]

Thanks, I will look into a therapist.

Your so welcome, I am so happy to read that Intheshade good luck we all are pulling for you and your husband.

[jojo93]

i feel bad for u. i love my girl to death. she tries to do anything and everything just to make me happy. however she told her mom on fb she does them to make me happy and she doesnt really like doing them. i logged onto my computer to check fb but she hadnt logged out and the chat on the bottom of the screen was open. i didnt mean to as some would say "spy" on her. i saw it and something in it caught my eye so i looked. worse part is some of it i dont like but fake enjoyment so she would be happy. lol im going to ask a question on another post on this but still. i do feel for u and do agree talking to him in a therapy setting would really help. big time! my gf and i r going to talk once she is off work. so tell me if u talk to him and things get better. and its good he does put himself in pain to please u but he is doing it the wrong way. the truth saves us from pain on both ends. i wish u luck

[LilahX]

'Normal' is in the eye of the beholder. For me, anything that is consensual is normal. Open, honest communication is the way to go with no pressure or judgement. Talking about all the myriad of things that can be done in the bedroom (or outside ) without any expectation of it actually going anywhere could be good. Don't focus on yourselves necessarily, just a general discussion about (for example) people who like to dress up, or people who like to be tied up or people who like to sneak a hand inside each others clothes while in semi public. Or read some erotic fiction together. Go slow. Talk. TAlk. Talk.

[Stillness]

I don't know if this is helpful, but I'm wondering if people like your husband may have asperger syndrome. People on the high end of the autism spectrum can be very intelligent (genius level even), but still have issues with social connection. It seems to be perceived in more of a mechanical, rule-oriented way. Adapting to changes in ways of thinking can be difficult.

Edit: Be careful with internet tests. I just took one and scored 9.5% possibility. But it may give you some insight. Knowing is half the battle. Yes I did just quote G.I. Joe.

[Motorguy]

Everyone is different one person may consider one sex act being to wild and over the top where other person sees it as not. It's eye of the beholder everyone is different if we was all had the same idea's with sex how boring would that be.

[Intheshade]

Break through! 2 nights ago. He finally asked me to give him a BJ. I knew what he wanted because he was trying to say everything but, but I acted ignorant, then finally said "are you asking?" and he said yes. I was so proud of him.

I keep trying to explain to him that when you have two people in a relationship that are givers both people need to learn to take for the sake of the other. What if I told him that he couldn't do anything to please me. It would affect him. I told him that be not telling me how I can please him, would be the same if I did that to him.

Stillness. I don't think I have ever mentioned his intelligence level here so your statement creeped me out at first, but yeah, he is genius level. It is a running gag amongst my friends, trying to find something he doesn't know. (although he is so completely ignorant about some things, sex included. Seriously sex references in a movie can go completely over his head, but he can tell you in any historical movie what facts are correct and which ones aren't even down to minor discrepancies in clothing.) I don't thing he has aspergers though. He is shy, but he deals with people better than I do.

[Stillness]

Stillness. I don't think I have ever mentioned his intelligence level here so your statement creeped me out at first, but yeah, he is genius level. It is a running gag amongst my friends, trying to find something he doesn't know. (although he is so completely ignorant about some things, sex included. Seriously sex references in a movie can go completely over his head, but he can tell you in any historical movie what facts are correct and which ones aren't even down to minor discrepancies in clothing.) I don't thing he has aspergers though. He is shy, but he deals with people better than I do.

Your husband’s personality type doesn’t sound like issues "dealing with people." He’s got you in love with him and has friends. But does he empathize or are his relations with people more mechanical – based on sets of rules? “Tell a joke and people laugh.” “Treat them nice and they like to be around you.” “Quote obscure facts and they’re amazed.” “Treat women with respect. Skimpy clothing degrades them.”

I remember when I was growing up, you were either smart or dumb. But there’s been increased awareness of different types of intelligence. So someone can have extraordinary mnemonic intelligence where they can naturally call to mind events with enormous detail, but low empathic intelligence. I know that mine is probably below average, so I have to make up for it in other ways. It sounds like his is as well or sexual references wouldn't go over his head. And most importantly, your sexual needs wouldn't be incomprehensible to him. He wouldn't be so inflexible.

I think the reason he’s struggling is not because he doesn’t love you or find you attractive. It’s probably more about the rules he uses to navigate. Your wants don’t fit in well and he’s struggling to adjust. It sounds like he’s trying, though. I wish you well with it.

[effy2014]

Break through! 2 nights ago. He finally asked me to give him a BJ. I knew what he wanted because he was trying to say everything but, but I acted ignorant, then finally said "are you asking?" and he said yes. I was so proud of him.

I keep trying to explain to him that when you have two people in a relationship that are givers both people need to learn to take for the sake of the other. What if I told him that he couldn't do anything to please me. It would affect him. I told him that be not telling me how I can please him, would be the same if I did that to him.

It was a major step and you were very supportive . . . bravo. With your answer to Stillness makes me convinced way to reach him is through his intelligence. Give him reading material . . . I originally suggested "No Mor Mr. Nice Guy". But if you want him to suggest ways to please him, let him read about things. There a thousands of sex books out there (use the Amazon ratings to guide you).

Keep going and let us know how things are progressing. Two givers in a relationship can make great things.