[Intheshade]

I am looking for a variety or normal sex acts that would not be considered kinky, outside of missionary style.

Thank you in advance.

[Patti-here]

I don’t know if there is any ‘normal’ or ‘kinky’ it’s up to the individuals involved, sex, thank goodness set’s no standards, for myself, I don’t care for missionary style sex, I’d rather receive it bending over(doggie) if you prefer, or while I’m laying on my side (spooning).

Oral sex with me is also required, anal and Va-jay-jay, honestly, when it comes to sex anything goes.

[effy2014]

Intheshade:

I remember your last post about your boyfriend and finding ways to please him. I have two suggestions. First, work on his comfort level rather than sexual positions. He needs to understand that part of a relationship is accepting appreciation and allowing others to show it.

Second, rather than pressing things in the bedroom, accept the pleasures he gives you in bed and show appreciation in other ways (outside the bedroom). One of the things about expressing appreciation, is that it should be meaningful to the person receiving it. It doesn't have to be expressed in the same way that he showed it.

[Intheshade]

That would have been great advice for me months ago Effy, but I am at my wits end.

The other night we passed by a lingerie shop and he pointed out the sign. I got excited because I thought maybe, just maybe he would want to see me in something like that. He was pointing out the sign for another reason and my self esteem took a huge hit. I felt like he didn't think I was attractive enough to wear something like that. I have wanted him to want me to do something that would make me feel feel sexy like dance, strip or wear something nice for him, for a long time. When I asked him if I could wear something like that for him, he told me no. He said that all his life he has been told how degrading that was for women and would be told he was a pervert for even glancing the wrong way at a shop like that. He told me that he could not get past his hang up on that for me to be able to wear that.

Another problem I have is that i have a lot of wants. I know most will never be fulfilled because he thinks things I would consider fairly normal are weird. I have asked him things like lightly biting the back of my neck just below my hair line, or to lightly scrape his teeth on my nipples. Nope to weird for him, "Teeth are violent." I have mentioned things like using silk scarves in various ways (It doesn't have to be as a blindfold or to tie someone up, it could be draped of the persons body just for the sensation) because I find them beautiful and sensual. His reply was that they are BDSM and that is a turn off for him.
He really freaked out of the idea of using a vibrator on me. Fair enough, I don't need that anyways, I was just making a suggestion but...

I have tried preforming oral on him. He always stops me. I ask him what he thought and he just tells me he doesn't know he isn't used to it. His responses hurt 2 fold. One because I know he doesn't feel like he can have that, the other is that I must be doing a horrible job of it, another blow to my self esteem. In my other thread someone suggest giving him oral and having him cum on my breasts. I was just sitting there thinking "Yeah right, if he ever let me get that far he would be mortified by that idea. and give me some speech on how degrading that would be to women."

Sex always consists of the same thing. He will finger me until he arm and hand hurts from giving me multiple orgasms and the missionary position sex. Sometimes I don't want to him to finger me, and more often than not anymore I don't want to orgasm because I feel so guilty. It leaves me feeling selfish and unsettled because he puts so much work into it. After sex, he is always in pain, yeah, he can last for a long time, but at his expense. He tells me he enjoys it but how can he be if he has to jump in the shower right way every time because his muscles hurt? Yes, it is awesome that I am able to have vaginal orgasms with him, and never thought it was possible before him, but I don't have to every time. I don't like being under that kind of pressure knowing that he will sacrifice his needs for that. I don't like the guilt.

I want to ask him for oral sex for myself because that is something I have never experienced. But I can't. I am to afraid! I am afraid of getting rejected and being told that is too weird. The other is the guilt I would feel if he did do it. I would be taking again with out any chance to reciprocate. And he would probably do it to the point of causing himself to suffer, meaning I couldn't enjoy it.

When I ask him for what he wants, he tells me his box of wants are empty. I have tried suggesting certain touches, asking if he like to be touched one way or another. Nope, to him it is all the same. Face, neck, legs, all the same.

He is convinced sex for a woman is a chore she is forced to do, rather than wants to do, so he has to make it as good as possible. He tells me that it confuses him that I enjoy sex and want to have sex.
I have spent the last 3 days crying over this. I love him, and he treats me like a goddess, but I just can't handle this anymore. We have been married for a year and a half. But I feel so guilty for having wants, and if I do express any wants, he takes it so personally.

[Motorguy]

That would have been great advice for me months ago Effy, but I am at my wits end.

The other night we passed by a lingerie shop and he pointed out the sign. I got excited because I thought maybe, just maybe he would want to see me in something like that. He was pointing out the sign for another reason and my self esteem took a huge hit. I felt like he didn't think I was attractive enough to wear something like that. I have wanted him to want me to do something that would make me feel feel sexy like dance, strip or wear something nice for him, for a long time. When I asked him if I could wear something like that for him, he told me no. He said that all his life he has been told how degrading that was for women and would be told he was a pervert for even glancing the wrong way at a shop like that. He told me that he could not get past his hang up on that for me to be able to wear that.

Another problem I have is that i have a lot of wants. I know most will never be fulfilled because he thinks things I would consider fairly normal are weird. I have asked him things like lightly biting the back of my neck just below my hair line, or to lightly scrape his teeth on my nipples. Nope to weird for him, "Teeth are violent." I have mentioned things like using silk scarves in various ways (It doesn't have to be as a blindfold or to tie someone up, it could be draped of the persons body just for the sensation) because I find them beautiful and sensual. His reply was that they are BDSM and that is a turn off for him.
He really freaked out of the idea of using a vibrator on me. Fair enough, I don't need that anyways, I was just making a suggestion but...

I have tried preforming oral on him. He always stops me. I ask him what he thought and he just tells me he doesn't know he isn't used to it. His responses hurt 2 fold. One because I know he doesn't feel like he can have that, the other is that I must be doing a horrible job of it, another blow to my self esteem. In my other thread someone suggest giving him oral and having him cum on my breasts. I was just sitting there thinking "Yeah right, if he ever let me get that far he would be mortified by that idea. and give me some speech on how degrading that would be to women."

Sex always consists of the same thing. He will finger me until he arm and hand hurts from giving me multiple orgasms and the missionary position sex. Sometimes I don't want to him to finger me, and more often than not anymore I don't want to orgasm because I feel so guilty. It leaves me feeling selfish and unsettled because he puts so much work into it. After sex, he is always in pain, yeah, he can last for a long time, but at his expense. He tells me he enjoys it but how can he be if he has to jump in the shower right way every time because his muscles hurt? Yes, it is awesome that I am able to have vaginal orgasms with him, and never thought it was possible before him, but I don't have to every time. I don't like being under that kind of pressure knowing that he will sacrifice his needs for that. I don't like the guilt.

I want to ask him for oral sex for myself because that is something I have never experienced. But I can't. I am to afraid! I am afraid of getting rejected and being told that is too weird. The other is the guilt I would feel if he did do it. I would be taking again with out any chance to reciprocate. And he would probably do it to the point of causing himself to suffer, meaning I couldn't enjoy it.

When I ask him for what he wants, he tells me his box of wants are empty. I have tried suggesting certain touches, asking if he like to be touched one way or another. Nope, to him it is all the same. Face, neck, legs, all the same.

He is convinced sex for a woman is a chore she is forced to do, rather than wants to do, so he has to make it as good as possible. He tells me that it confuses him that I enjoy sex and want to have sex.
I have spent the last 3 days crying over this. I love him, and he treats me like a goddess, but I just can't handle this anymore. We have been married for a year and a half. But I feel so guilty for having wants, and if I do express any wants, he takes it so personally.

I am lost for words here on what you going through Intheshade, I never had to deal with this in my marriage and I can not begin to tell you what you going through right now in yours. But my heart hurts as I can tell by your words in your posting it hurts to read it. My only subjection is you seek marriage council with hubby and have him to get over his ways he was brought up about sex by his parents.I would never tell someone to end a marriage but there is some major issue that are going on here. So it reads that your husband is pretty set in his ways about lots of things. But I think you need to take the bull by the horns and give some kind of demands. To your husband that you both will see a marriage counseling or things will have to change.No one should have to go through a marriage like this and be so unhappy and you been trying but basically beating your head against a wall.So good luck, I hope the marriage gets better for you as you need that not what going on now.

[jen1447]

I feel for you hon and honestly I think you're relationship with this guy has serious issues with compatibility. He's not likely to change in a meaningful way if his hangups are so deeply ingrained. Can you live a lifetime like this?

To answer your question specifically, about the only 'safe' form of sex that would be free from any form of potential criticism is missionary. It's about as basic as you can get and I assume how Adam got Eve pregnant.

[Intheshade]

Thank you Motorguy for your kind words.

His issues mostly stem from his ex wife. It seems to me that she was very sexually abusive. He has told me that he was forced to pleasure her on demand, but was never allowed to achieve orgasm himself. Ever! Not even through masturbation. He said that after a while, he just stopped wanting.

I know that the feeling like he can't receive pleasure from sex comes from her, but I am not sure where the other stuff like thinking a silk scarf would be be too weird comes from.

[Motorguy]

Thank you Motorguy for your kind words.

His issues mostly stem from his ex wife. It seems to me that she was very sexually abusive. He has told me that he was forced to pleasure her on demand, but was never allowed to achieve orgasm himself. Ever! Not even through masturbation. He said that after a while, he just stopped wanting.

I know that the feeling like he can't receive pleasure from sex comes from her, but I am not sure where the other stuff like thinking a silk scarf would be be too weird comes from.

Your so welcome it's my pleasure to try and give you some type of advice. The only other idea would be a sex therapist for your husband. To change your husband view about his ex wife and get her image out of his mind. So he thinking only of you and your sexually needs as well. But sexy lingerie has nothing to do with his issue that something that makes a women feel beautiful and sexy as well it's like eating chocolates you can't eat them all the time but it's nice once in a while to feel beautiful a few times a month as well. But a sex therapist can only heal if that person will let them do so. i know some men can't open up to a women about there sexually feeling and what is bothering them but there is something wrong and now it needs to be fixed. Good luck and god bless you.

[rcoreyus]

I think motorguy is right that a therapist might be a really good idea. It sounds like he really was abused and that can leave scars.

I don't think normal matters at all, couples should do what they enjoy. Without worrying about "normal" I think it is common in sexual relationships:

Intercourse in several positions. Oral sex for each for the other. Touching kissing etc all over the other's body. Sex toys -vibrators etc.

Somewhat less common but still widely done
anal stimulation of either. Anal sex. Spanking, slapping, blindfolds, biting, light bondage. role playing. Sex in uncommon locations. 3-somes. Strapon play.

Uncommon but still fine for people who enjoy
BDSM with real pain. heavy bondage. "water sports". "heavy" domination.

The only things I would view negatively:
BDSM play that causes any long-term damage. 24/7 domination - looks to much like real abuse to separate. Anything that entails serious health risks.

[Intheshade]

Thanks, I will look into a therapist.