[effy2014]

That is an interesting perspective. I wouldn't take much stock in the current research on polyamory, The studies have an incredibly small sample size are are done by people with a bias towards the activity. But I was not interested in studies; I am more interested in an individual's perspective within a committed relationship. I very much appreciate your willingness to share.

[effy2014]

Effy - I think I read that you are married, if not, sorry. It sounds like your mindset is based on the traditional vows of marriage. To paraphrase: Do you take X, to be you lawfully wedded wife, to have and hold, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, to love and cherish…so long as you both shall live…what God has joined together, let no man put asunder.

We haven't found the need to look outside of our marriage because we are very open to trying new things, new places, different positions. Sometimes they work and other times we end of laughing because that crazy idea was an epic failure. However, we tried.

I am not currently married but am in a very emotionally connected monogamous relationship. My questions have nothing to do with contract vows but in what I personally consider to be the role of intimacy in a committed relationship. We are also very open lovers and will try anything to strengthen our sex life. I enjoyed the last sentence because it has happened to us -- laughing at ourselves for the absolute failure.

of the problem I see with some marriages is that things become routine, boring, and taken for granted. We don't continue to tell our spouse how handsome of beautiful we think they are. We become complacent and assume our spouses should know how we feel. I think both men and women want to hear that they are loved and appreciated, thanked for the little things that seemingly go unnoticed. It simply reinforces our appreciation, which tends to strengthen our bond.

I'm not asking for my husband to come home and thank me for cooking a meal, mowing the grass, doing laundry, etc., amongst my writing. But it is discouraging when he comes home and says what did you do today. Well, lets see, I sat on the couch with my feet propped up eating bon bons. We have a HUGE yard, and if he can see that it's been mowed, then there is a problem. I think the intimacy falls apart be when we feel our contributions are overlooked.

You are spot on. I believe that the lack of appreciation (and respect) in a relationship is the biggest reason why relationships fail. In my view, we have a basic human need to be appreciated. As you have written, receiving appreciation strengthens the emotional bond. It allows us to take pride in what we have done. It gives us more confidence. For the partner that is liberal with expressions of appreciation, s/he will find a happier and more loving spouse and one that will appreciate us back.

It takes so little of us to say thank you . . . to complement our partners . . . yet couples withhold that basic need from each other on a routine basis. It is one of the reasons my marriage failed. I think that your husband should come home and thank you for your contributions to the relationship, just as you should express appreciation for what he does. My SO is beautiful, but as she ages, she becomes less confident in her looks. She loves when my jaw drops as she comes downstairs and is disappointed when I do not react. Vanity? Not at all. She needs to know that I "still" find her beautiful which strengthens her emotional connection in the relationship. In her marriage, her husband was always critical, constantly suggesting that she get a boob job or lose weight. How does that strengthen a relationship?

I appreciate your thoughtful post

[Euphoric]

Hopefully the end of that post made sense. I was editing and my hand jerked, the next thing I know, the post is permanent with blips in the sentences. Still not sure what happened because I know I hadn't timed out.

[effy2014]

Hopefully the end of that post made sense. I was editing and my hand jerked, the next thing I know, the post is permanent with blips in the sentences. Still not sure what happened because I know I hadn't timed out.

Made perfect sense to me. I laughed at the last part because it was one of my issues. My ex never liked intimacy, but if she needed the release, she would say "do me Romeo". She thought it was funny, I was so sex starved that I complied. In my current relationship, its all about the journey, not the conclusion.

You have a healthy view of your relationship and the need to compromise. I greatly admire that.

[Web-girl]

Hello everyone...
was looking for a thread somehow close to this one...
If I think about sexual satisfaction I would reach 4/10... What a shame! This has been my problem lately...
You see, I just turned 29 and my husband is going to be 42 soon. We are married since 3 years and are living together since 3,5 years. We have 2 wonderful daughters (6y.o. from my previous marriage and 7 months old).
Meeting my husband was the best thing that happened to me in my "love life"! He is a great person and is very understanding and caring... We also had a fantastic sex life (at the beginning of our relationship). We would have sex like every day...for the first 3months... I know that in any new relationship sex is crazy exciting and you constantly want it! And I can say that when we have sex I am very pleased and he is great in bed.... But the problem is that after first 3 months frequency went down to 2-3 times a week... Then to just 2 times ...and even that!, I know that if I would not initiate we could most likely go down to 1 a month (maybe!...again if it's ME starting)...
So that you don't think that it's for some obvious reasons like weight gain.... I tell you that I am very fit and since I had a second child I completely got back to shape and have NO extra kilos.
He always tells me that he loves me and finds me attractive, bring flowers and we go out very often for dinners... but recently(since 1,5 month) we went down to ONECE a week... And it just drives me crazyyyy!! There is NEVER a time he would come up and just grab me and have sex with me!
So I begin to feel so frustrated that even though I love him like crazy, I get annoyed with everything he does or says, especially when he tells me that I am very pretty and attractive! How do you want me to believe those words if he doesn't sleep with me!?
He is away from home 2 nights and 3 days a week to another city for job since 1 year... It is a very crappy city in a country I don't want to name, but this is to make you understand that I don't think he has someone on a side... But what I know for a fact is that every time he is there he watches porn and of course gives himself pleasure! And nothing wrong with that IF it was not making me feel like he is stilling something from me!
I feel very desperate and don't know what to do anymore... I talked to him about that many times and he says he's just lazy to start but once we do, he loves it! And that he would work on it... Etc... I am so fed up with feeling unattractive that I almost feel depressed for this reason.
I am young and I want sex. And I want it more often than 1/week.
And I would hate to cheat on my husband because that would break his and mine heart...
Help

[Web-girl]

And my husband gets mad at me if I being this topic up! He says that it got really weird even to start because I put so much pressure to him in this question! Yeah! Sure! But we went down WAY before I started to complain about it...
I envy people, who say they are 11/10 happy after 8 years marriage and that they have sex 3-4 times a week! What is awaiting for me in the future?? At 30 I will have to forget even what it feels like?! Oooohhh

[Motorguy]

And my husband gets mad at me if I being this topic up! He says that it got really weird even to start because I put so much pressure to him in this question! Yeah! Sure! But we went down WAY before I started to complain about it...
I envy people, who say they are 11/10 happy after 8 years marriage and that they have sex 3-4 times a week! What is awaiting for me in the future?? At 30 I will have to forget even what it feels like?! Oooohhh

Well Web girl all I can say is let your husband know your feeling you are not happy with the sex life period. This is why women and men go searching for other sexually release. It's why marriages and relationship end because of a simple thing they do not sit down and discuss what you are not happy with in the marriage. Now me and my wife been marriage 27 years and are sex life is great 4 to 5 times a week.We are very happy but every marriage has a rocky road you just need to work together and work them out or it just a marriage that will die away. From what you are saying that your husband doesn't want to hear it he get's up set when topic is brought up with lack of sex that just means he knows there's is a problem because he is the problem and refusing to except it's him not you. I know it's hard to swallow this but nothing will change till you act now and not 10 more years down the road.

[Web-girl]

Thank you for your reply Motorguy... The problem is that I shared my feelings with him not once, and he would say he understands and he would work in it, yet it wouldn't change anything...
How do you people manage to do it so that at the end you are 27 years married and STILL so active and attracted to each other? I admire you guys anyway! It deserves a lot of respect!
I AM attracted to my husband just as much as I was when we just met (not 27 years of course, but 3,5)... And I want him all the time, but it's almost like I have to beg for it!.... There are so many women out there who complain that they don't want sex as often as their husbands ask for and me........
Can it be that he is porn addicted? And just doesn't want to have real things??
Motorguy, tell me as an experienced man... how often would a married guy normally will to please himself (without wife's participation) a week let's say and do you think that watching porn could be the reason for avoiding me? How is it that he wants to watch it every week but then doesn't need me...
So sad.... This is just too sad... If it doesn't change I only have 2 choices, to accept it (and maybe end up one day soon with no sex at all) or to leave him!?.... But he is an amazing person, I don't believe I could ever meet a better man...

[Motorguy]

Thank you for your reply Motorguy... The problem is that I shared my feelings with him not once, and he would say he understands and he would work in it, yet it wouldn't change anything...
How do you people manage to do it so that at the end you are 27 years married and STILL so active and attracted to each other? I admire you guys anyway! It deserves a lot of respect!
I AM attracted to my husband just as much as I was when we just met (not 27 years of course, but 3,5)... And I want him all the time, but it's almost like I have to beg for it!.... There are so many women out there who complain that they don't want sex as often as their husbands ask for and me........
Can it be that he is porn addicted? And just doesn't want to have real things??
Motorguy, tell me as an experienced man... how often would a married guy normally will to please himself (without wife's participation) a week let's say and do you think that watching porn could be the reason for avoiding me? How is it that he wants to watch it every week but then doesn't need me...
So sad.... This is just too sad... If it doesn't change I only have 2 choices, to accept it (and maybe end up one day soon with no sex at all) or to leave him!?.... But he is an amazing person, I don't believe I could ever meet a better man...

Well Web Girl thank you for your kind words I am married to a great wonderful women who's a great mother and grand mother. We both watch amateur porn it's are favorite in our room doors lock being we still have a 16 year old daughter in the house. But we watch together not me alone or her alone doing it so we get are self aroused with each other in bed behind locked doors.Now my wife does have her ladies night out fun and she is bi and has her fun with other women no men as once in a great while she will let me watch on rare times if it comes about. If you want to be more active in the bed be the front runner go to your local adult book store buy a couple good porn dvd's and maybe a sex toy and take a night and tell your husband this is are night maybe send kids to grand parents house or friends this is your night with husband. This may light the fire and tell him if he like's porn you will watch it with him what can it hurt. I not sure if he addicted to porn and he masturbating a lot so nothing in bed for you only way to find out is asked him.But you need to figure this out because of no sex in the bedroom you just going through the motion day after day getting nothing from it.I mean even going to a sex therapist getting help there it's only going to tell your husband you have a problem he's not going to admit that he does men's ego are way to big for that to admit they have a problem with sex.So good luck Web girl.I sure hope what I said will help you in the feature only you can change it your husband needs a fire lit under him you can do this and make that sex in your marriage good again good luck and god bless.

[SpicyV]

With my husband about a 5 as we don't have sex as much as I would like, when we do it's a 10. With the two men I see regularly is like 30. The compatibility, similar desires and likes makes things amazing!!