[danlei12]

Hi all,

First of all, I am a very fortunate man, being married to the girl I love (and who loves me back infinitely more!) for 10 years now. We have three kids, and still have great sex.

My question is this (and it's a bit embarrassing to post it on a girls mag site, but where else??): I have a few fantasies, not extremely exotic ones, that my darling wife lets me indulge in with her, that excites her as much as me and that makes our sex life colourful and intimate. However, I always get this immense feeling of guilt afterwards, almost as if i violated her. She says, and I know she speaks the truth, that she gets very excited and loves sharing in my fantasies, but still i feel guilt. Have any of you experienced something similar with your BFs/husbands/lovers? If yes, how do you deal with it, and how does he deal with it?

For example, I feel really ashamed and wicked after sex if, in a moment of wild excitement, I have gone down on her, and then gone down on her bum hole (yeah I know, it is probably perverted and dirty, but I absolutely love doing that to my wife!), for as long as i can. There and then it's great, and she loves it, but afterwards I always feel so bloody guilty. I hate that feeling, I would love to be able to just enjoy thinking about the naughty sex we had and how great it was. Sometimes i wonder, when reading about married men who visit prostitutes, whether they never even dare to ask their wives out of pure shame. At least I am fortunate enough to be truly intimate with my wife.

Any thoughts?? Why do I have to feel this way? Why cant I just indulge in the pleasure??

[Euphoric]

Welcome to the forum.

Only you can answer WHY you feel guilty. It could be any number of things: religious beliefs, up bring, moral code of ethics imposed or expected, past trauma, cultural or societal judgements etc.

So long as you and your wife are both consenting to said fantasy, I don't see the problem or a reason to feel guilty. Furthermore, adding spice to your love life keeps sex interesting rather than falling into a monotonous and stale pattern. Boredom and/or lack of sex ranks pretty high on the scale of why people cheat. This is your first post here. Browse around, especially in the sex, relationship, married threads. You'll be surprised how many people engage in "taboo" activities. You may also find that there are plenty of women complaining about lack of sex in their lives, which is quite contrary to popular belief that men are the ones suffering. People here are pretty open-minded so you may also find alternative activities that spark more interest in sexual exploration.

I'll not go into detail here, but a friend of mine has recently inadvertently help me discover the reason for a mental block. Nobody could answer why I had this hangup, I had to do some soul searching to figure it out. Knowledge is powerful, once you figure out the answer to WHY, then you'll be able to address how to overcome.

Again, welcome aboard!
Euphoric

[Stillness]

yeah I know, it is probably perverted and dirty

Your answer?

[Motorguy]

Well Daniel may not be suffering from guilt as much as you is experiencing post-coital tristesse and interpreting it as guilt. But let’s say you are. It does happen.The expert say 2.8 percent of married people feel guilty about having sex. Why would you feel guilty about sex with your wife? Daniel, Well, sometimes you can be a little ashamed after the fact. Did you two use porn? Did you make funny wildebeest noises? In the throes of passion did you suggest to wife you have sex with the 2014 Green Bay Packers? Were deli items involved? All that can seem like much more fun before the ejaculation. After, you may wish to hide your shame. Or maybe you was just raised to think sex was dirty. If so, take that up with your mom get some details from her. Just kidding with that last quote just some humor to add.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Welcome to WH, it's a mixture of guys and girls here you've had 4 answers, 2 from each sex.

If your mindset is going to be that you are selfish, that you are purely doing something that you enjoy stuff the other partner and give nothing in return and have a heart, you would feel guilty.

You make it sound as if your wife is lying that she is enjoying it to start with. If your relationship is honest, then she is not so you need to jump over that.

The only other reason you could feel "guilty" is that you are asking her to act out your fantasies and not the other way around, therefore, feeling selfish and if that's the case, you should be finding out what she likes by exploring and making her dreams come true as well.

Off course I am guessing here as you haven't mentioned her fantasies at all.

[effy2014]

One of the benefits of this forum is to find out that the intimate acts you think of as "dirty" or perverted, are practiced and enjoyed by many others. In my experience, except for the baggage of cultural or religious norms that we carry around, much of the guilt comes a belief that we have "forced" our partner to do something that he or she did not want to do. The only way to stop feeling the guilt is to trust -- you must trust your partner's statements that she made the choice willingly (sometimes eagerly) and enjoyed it. Without that trust, experimentation is next to impossible. The baggage can only be overcome is if you are able to convince yourself that consensual activity between two adults is not wrong just because it is not mainstream.

The example you gave for a taboo act is analingus. I enjoy it immensely with my SO. She had never experienced it before but trusted me enough to allow it to happen -- and now she feels comfortable enough to "demand" it just by turning over. I don't believe that any part of her body should be without love and attention. We have also dabbled a bit in the "light" S&M world. We trust each other enough to experiment and, afterwards, give an honest appraisal of how we felt physically and emotionally.

Accept that your wife is being completely honest and continue to experiment. Communicate about it and trust that she will lovingly decline anything she does not want to do. It is fantastic that you have such a great sex life!!

[jen1447]

I wonder if there's not some latent religious guilt going on here ....analingus is pretty far from perverted and dirty in most people's minds - at least here at WHF and among the people I run with. I think it's a fairly common sexual practice today.

Not trying to pass judgement on your religion (whatever it may be, if you even are religious), but I know from personal experience how powerful that guilt can be.

[danlei12]

Accept that your wife is being completely honest and continue to experiment. Communicate about it and trust that she will lovingly decline anything she does not want to do. It is fantastic that you have such a great sex life!!

I think you are on to something there. Even though I believe what she says, it is as if I refuse myself to trust it. I need to work on that. Thanks for your reply, and the other replies as well. It actually helped just offloading it too. Thanks!

[LilahX]

The fact that you see as things you do together, consensually and enjoyably, as 'naughty' is the key to your problem. If you can understand why you see it this way maybe you can change your attitude to things you do. It may take you some indepth introspection to work out where this attitude stems from, or you may need professional guidance to get there but it would be worth it to give you peace of mind so you can just enjoy your sex rather than stressing about it. I hope you can get to the point where sex is just sex, something you enjoy together and don't judge youself for enjoying it.

Good luck!!

[dimples1976]

Hi all,

First of all, I am a very fortunate man, being married to the girl I love (and who loves me back infinitely more!) for 10 years now. We have three kids, and still have great sex.

My question is this (and it's a bit embarrassing to post it on a girls mag site, but where else??): I have a few fantasies, not extremely exotic ones, that my darling wife lets me indulge in with her, that excites her as much as me and that makes our sex life colourful and intimate. However, I always get this immense feeling of guilt afterwards, almost as if i violated her. She says, and I know she speaks the truth, that she gets very excited and loves sharing in my fantasies, but still i feel guilt. Have any of you experienced something similar with your BFs/husbands/lovers? If yes, how do you deal with it, and how does he deal with it?

For example, I feel really ashamed and wicked after sex if, in a moment of wild excitement, I have gone down on her, and then gone down on her bum hole (yeah I know, it is probably perverted and dirty, but I absolutely love doing that to my wife!), for as long as i can. There and then it's great, and she loves it, but afterwards I always feel so bloody guilty. I hate that feeling, I would love to be able to just enjoy thinking about the naughty sex we had and how great it was. Sometimes i wonder, when reading about married men who visit prostitutes, whether they never even dare to ask their wives out of pure shame. At least I am fortunate enough to be truly intimate with my wife.

Any thoughts?? Why do I have to feel this way? Why cant I just indulge in the pleasure??

Hi Danlei12,

I am a woman and when it comes to bed manners I have things that I like and things that I don't.
I am honest with my man. There are things that maybe a porn star can do only because she is getting paid and in reality a lot of women are going against it and this for a fact at least 80% of women will not do what half of these porn stars do (example: Swallow, Lick the backside of a man, suck his Toes, Rear entry and many more) I myself will never do this only because of personal hygiene it is not safe. In reality and lets all be honest here. Sex was meant to be the Male and Felame organ only, then somewhere along the way someone gotten bored and said ok why don't we start (doing this and that, you know what I mean).

I am guessing the reason you feel guilty is because in the back of your mind you shouldn't be asking for it.
Yes it is something that you like but there is also a saying (would you give a Kid the Knife if it makes her/him happy?)
Meaning there are somethings we want and like in life that we shouldn't be asking for especially if it has to be provided by someone else and not yourself. My question is (all the things you ask your woman to do for you, do you return the Favor?)

If your answer is NO then you shouldn't be asking them (that is when the guilt comes in)
If your answer is YES then enjoy it. (don't feel guilty for wanting something that you clearly know how to give back).

Hope this helps. Now enjoy your sex life.