[Worried Woman]

My boyfriend recently confessed to me that he has watched gay and transsexual porn and then showed me that he was wearing a pair of my panties. He has always been very open with his fetishes with me, including anal play (on him) and how he wants me to peg him.

I am very open sexually so I didn't think anything of it until the gay porn and panties thing. I asked if he was bisexual and he said no and that he doesn't look at guys and think 'hey, he'd be fun in bed' but I'm seriously questioning his sexuality.

How do I initiate and have a conversation with him about this without making him angry or defensive or hurting him? We have been in a very committed relationship for two years.

[Little]

I think it's perfectly normal to be turned on by things in porn that one wouldn't like to experience in real life - consider on a different plane, plenty of folks like to watch threesomes or girl-on-girl porn but wouldn't want to do it for real.

You can't make him identify as bisexual if he doesn't want to. Different people affix that label for different reasons - in your head it may mean anybody who is turned on by both men and women, but in his it may mean only people who want romantic relationships with both men and women. There may be a hard-and-fast definition but when it comes to self-labeling nothing is really set in stone.

What concerns you about his possible attractions to men?

[Euphoric]

How would you feel if he admits to being bi-curious? EX: He appreciates the sight of a handsome man, or gay porn turns him on. Curiosity doesn't mean he will act on those feelings. I know quite a few "heterosexual" women who are bi-curious, yet they are happily married to men. If he acted on those urges, then, yes, he's bisexual.

Do you peg him or are you open to trying it? Maybe incorporating that into your sexual activities will scratch that itch and feed his curiosity.

I'm a pretty openminded woman, but if my husband showed me he was wearing my panties for kicks…um…that would be a problem.
Communication is paramount in relationships. Your BF has told you he views gay porn (kudos for honesty), but springing the fact that he was wearing your panties in the manner he did was a bit much, IMO.

How to initiate a conversation? Tell him that you've done some research, and you really need to know how and what he is feeling. Ask him what is it about gay/transvestite porn that interests him. Approach it from an "I want to understand" point of view. If he views that as confrontational, then you may want to rethink the terms of your relationship. There's a reason as to why he is telling you this, and you need answers.

[Worried Woman]

I don't know!! After he confessed that to me we had intense sex with all the things he likes and I was fine with it, albeit we had both had our share of drinks that night, but now I can't get him watching gay and transsexual porn out of my head. I've never heard of any man watching gay porn without being gay or bisexual and it's all very confusing to me.

Also... Deep down in terrified of him leaving me. And what if e leaves me for a man? I can't compete with something I am not.

I want nothing more than to have an open and honest dialogue with him about this but I have no idea how to initiate that conversation. And quite frankly, I've worked myself into a panic over this situation.

[Worried Woman]

I have no idea how I would react. I'm very open minded, a strong believer in gay rights and all that but... This is all very surreal to me.

I have pegged him. It was fun for both of us, we are both pretty freaky.

But that's with me. I worry that he will want to try out a real man? What if he likes it more?

[effy2014]

I am responding from my phone, so excuse me if this is a bit disjointed. First, you do need to have a detailed and honest conversation about his sexuality. Keep an open mind -- the fact that you haven't heard about straight people watching gay porn doesn't mean that it doesn't happen.

Odds are that he is just experimenting with his own feelings. I doubt he is gay or even bi. With open communication and an open mind, you can work this out

[Euphoric]

You are assuming that he'll act on his curiosity, jump ship and switch teams. That's not necessarily so.

I can appreciate a gorgeous woman, but that doesn't mean I'm thinking, dang, I'd do her in a heartbeat. (I just had this conversation with a very close friend.) Am I curious? Maybe. The reality is there will always be a curiosity factor, unless acted upon, but that doesn't mean I will.

It sounds like you guys are communicating pretty well, and share a healthy respect for exploration. Why do you think he would get mad or defensive? I'm not gathering that from what you are saying. I think you are fearing being replaced by another man mores than upsetting him.

[Worried Woman]

Even I can recognize I am terrified of being replaced by someone else. I think I've just worked myself up too much over this.

[LilahX]

While you're enjoying some anal stuff with him, just casually suggest it might be fun to see what it was like with a real c******. Just because he might enjoy physical stuff with a guy doesn't mean he'd want an emotional r/ship with a guy (I'm like that with women - love the sex but have no interest in anything emotional with a girl). I understand it can be threatening, but you need to know the truth. If he did want to consider 'the real thing' you may be able to incorporate that into your love life openly (and you can have some extra fun as well). We all fear being replaced, but it's best to find out if there's even a threat - and if there isn't , you can stop worrying and maybe enjoy and extra level in your r/ship.

[Susan Sweetlove]

I knew a guy once who was transvestite/transsexual without being homosexual. He was't interested in having sex with a man as a man but in experiencing sex while imagining he was a woman. I think there a men who want to explore different aspects of their sexual identity without definitely becoming homosexual or even bisexual. I think this is just fine and worthwhile to be open to. If it really bothers you then you'll have to make your own decisions but question yourself as to what's really motivating you. Your boyfriend is taking a risk being vulnerable with you and you should be considerate of his trust. I don't think being open to his transsexual exploration will encourage him to leave you; quite the opposite, it may cause him to trust you more because you're open to his sexuality.

I was open to the transsexual fantasies of the guy I knew and I am glad I was. It was very interesting and I feel like a learned a lot by taking a more "male" role with him. He would play the passive role and I was the dominate one, a real role reversal for me. He asked me to peg him which was my first experience with that and I have to say I would get tremendously turned on when I used a strap-on dildo to anally penetrate him. I really got hot when I would pound him pretty hard, listening to his whimpers and imagining how all those men felt when they were doing me. It was a really sweet and unique experience which I'm grateful for having.