[BigRed]

Hey guys, first time poster here but have been reading some of the content on this site for quite some time now. I have a questions that I hope you guys can answer or at least join in a discussion about...

I have been with my wife for 10 years now. We started dating when I was 14 and she was 16 in high school. She was very promiscuous before we started dating and I was a virgin. Long story short we have been together ever since.

I am writing to you all today because it has been 10 years and I still severely crave other women. I love my wife unconditionally but I always have this desire to be with other women sexually. My wife and I's sex life is through the roof, we've done almost everything together but I can never escape the fact that she is basically the only woman I've ever been with. I did cheat on her twice with two girls, once was a quickie in my car with a girl I met online and never talked to again and the other was a BJ from a girl at my college - again, never talked to her again afterward.

Am I weird to desire other women as badly as I do? Should I act on these feelings? How would I go about cheating on my wife secretly now that we live together?

[BigRed]

I believe part of me is jealous that she had so many partners before we were together regardless of the fact that it was so long ago and part of me will always want to "even the score."

[effy2014]

This is crazy talk. Why would you put your entire life with her on jeopardy (and I am assuming you have children as well) to cheat with another woman? I am assuming, like most wives, that she would be incredibly hurt and upset by your cheating -- which is why you want to do it in secret. It is horrible idea. The number of partners she had before you does not justify cheating within the marriage. Look at it this way. Would you appreciate if she wanted other lovers now?

Settle the score? What she did was before you were married. There is no score. And besides, you've already cheated.

My advice to you is to satisfy your obsession with her . . . maybe by role play or adding some other spice to your sexual play. Believe me, divorce is not worth a roll in the sack with some irrelevant woman.

[LilahX]

No, you're not weird. Falling in love doesn't somehow automatically switch off the attraction to other women. Love and lust and separate things (altho you can (and should) lust after the one you love). It sounds like you have a very open and adventurous sex life so why not introduce talking about others - both of you. Don't just jump in with your own desires, make sure it's about her as well. When yr in an intimate situation and talking (talking is sexy), just ask casually what type of guys she finds hot. She might be defensive and worry you'll be angry or jealous but reassure her it's ok. Or she may not ever think about other men.

Fantasising about involving others can be very erotic. Going out together and spotting someone you fancy and talking about them, fantasising about taking them home can also be very hot. At the extreme it could even lead to actually introducing others into your sex life - but this would waaaaay down the line and after lots of discussion and rule-setting.

My partner and I are swingers and both enjoy talking about and watching each other with other people, either in threesomes or foursomes. This (as I've said) is the extreme of fantasising about others and I'm not recommending it by any means - but don't keep your desires to yourself, intimacy and love are about sharing thoughts and about not judging.

Good luck!!

[Stillness]

I'd recommend talking to your wife about your feelings. No matter how many partners she's had, she chose you. If your sex life is "through the roof" after 10 years, it means that she chose you because she's crazy about you.

Sex with random women, or even women you like, is not close to sex with the woman you're married to and love. That's my opinion. And I've had both.

I think that a lot of this feeling comes from certain aspects of our culture making promiscuity and "scoring" out to be exciting and manly. They're not. I think that finding a good woman and treating her well is the height of masculinity.

[Claret]

I believe part of me is jealous that she had so many partners before we were together regardless of the fact that it was so long ago and part of me will always want to "even the score."

Really now, how many partners could she have had that were meaningful in any way or shape of the word? She may have had "sex" with any number of men (boys) but how many were much more than that? At 16 there really would be no meaningful relationship or anything that lasted longer than about a weekend by the looks of things.

You've had two extra relationships - what did they really get you? By the looks of things it was nothing, probably because there was no love or affection attached to the "act".

It really sounds to me as if you are missing more than just the sex. Are you missing out on the supposed good times you could have had if you hadn't been with your wife for all those teenage years? Do you think (apart from the sex) that you've missed out on doing things with your peers, going out with the guys or just plain experiencing life?

I'm just saying that the resentment your feeling and calling jealousy may not be jealousy at all but indicative of some other un-resolved issues. Could you explore that for a while and see what you come up with?

[atskitty2]

I think you need to talk to your wife & share all these feelings & thoughts with her. That's where you need to start. Does she know about the cheating twice? When did you first begin having these feelings? You say "still crave" so I'm guessing you felt this way even prior to marriage? If so, why did you marry her? I think Claret brings up some valid points, and I think you need to be honest with yourself & dig really deep to get to the root of your intentions & needs here.

I can't imagine anyone on this forum will give you tips on how to cheat successfully on your wife.

Talk to her, gently & honestly. You may be surprised at her response.

[BigRed]

It really sounds to me as if you are missing more than just the sex. Are you missing out on the supposed good times you could have had if you hadn't been with your wife for all those teenage years? Do you think (apart from the sex) that you've missed out on doing things with your peers, going out with the guys or just plain experiencing life?

Hit the nail right on the head. I feel like I missed out on my teenage/college years of sleeping around and having fun. Any advice?

I appreciate all the other comments.

[Hell on Wheels]

I'd recommend talking to your wife about your feelings. No matter how many partners she's had, she chose you. If your sex life is "through the roof" after 10 years, it means that she chose you because she's crazy about you.

Sex with random women, or even women you like, is not close to sex with the woman you're married to and love. That's my opinion. And I've had both.

What Stillness and Effy say, except maybe not the talking to her about it part. How do you think she will handle it? Are you opening a door that you will never be able to close? Willing to lose someone you love unconditionally and that you have a through the roof sex life with and someone who chose and loves you?

Willing to risk everything?

[Stillness]

A couple of other things, BigRed. You say you've been lurking here for a while. Have you seen all of the threads and posts from men and women who have sexual issues with their mates? I have problems and some of the stuff I read makes me grateful. If your sex life is great with your wife of a decade, then you have a rare and beautiful thing. Do you see that?

Also, Welcome!