[Motorguy]

First of all Ladyautumn, welcome to WH it's good to see new people join us here. I have very strong feeling having strong commutation in a marriage as for me it been married 27 years. Me and wife have never run into this problem as we both are your age. So my thinking you need to let your husband know how you are feeling about all this, that watching porn or using toys to achieve a orgasm is not your things to do for sexually pleasure. You need the cuddling the kissing and the touching that makes you feel good. You say you love him you understand his medical problem so let him know how you feel about it all. i thinking you may need to talk with a psychiatrist to get some answer about how you can confront your husband about this whole matter good luck and god bless you.

[effy2014]

I said that the advice I've read "is great for many people. It's not great for me," is because I didn't just start searching for an answer to this problem yesterday. I've been searching for more than three years.

I've seen a lot of really good advice on how to fix him, how to get him to change for me, and I've tried much of it. None of it works. My husband is the love of my life; and yes, even if it doesn't get better, I will sacrifice something that's very important to me, because I want to spend my life with him...and that's what people do when we really love someone.

Part of my job is to try to put myself in his shoes and see things from his perspective. If the desire isn't there, and he can't make it be there, isn't unreasonable for me to put pressure on him or demand that he change? If that's the case, what are my options? The only thing I can change or control is myself (and often, I fail at that)

My comment wasn't meant to be condescending but it certainly identities the inevitable failure of trying to cut out a huge part of who you are as an individual. Living without intimacy isn't like sacrificing that favorite piece of furniture because your spouse doesn't like it. As you wrote "sex has always been extremely important to me ... it is my route to emotional bonding" as well as viewing "sexual intimacy as an experience that involves every part of who I am -- body, soul and spirit." In another thread, you even observed that the lack of intimacy in your marriage "causes me to sabotage the rest of the relationship."

I have been there. I went to therapy because I was slowly going insane. We went to years of marital therapy. I felt tremendous guilt about it. I view intimacy in the identical way. I have written in response to so many of these threads that women rarely understand that men use intimacy to emotionally bond. You get this because you do as well. Therapy made me see that the lack of intimacy (as well as other issues, I concede) made me a worse husband and a worse father.

I understand that you can love someone who meets many, but not all of the characteristics you need to be happy. I also do not pretend to know about the facts of your life which led you to this. You wrote that you need to view this from his perspective, and I agree. Put yourself in his shoes . . . your wife, the love of your life has told you the importance of intimacy in her life. What would you do? Would you not change, or do everything you could to satisfy her? It's not that he despises sex, it's just that he could take it or leave it.

I apologize for my approach. I believe that it is impossible for us humans to radically change who we are, good or bad. In a relationship, attempting to suffocate a significant part of who you are to maintain the status quo inevitably destroys the relationship as well as your self. I encourage you to see a therapist . . . the 18 months I was in therapy was life changing.

[ladyautumn]

Thanks for all the great feedback.

kdc - he's been tested for testosterone level and it's normal. He had that checked without my knowledge and told me about it later. I knew he was going to the doctor to have his cholesterol and Vit D level checked, but I never dreamed he would ask to have his T level checked. So that tells me that he does have concerns about his lack of desire. Apparently, it matters to him, and he's kind of baffled by it too.

Stillness - it does help to know that I'm not alone. While many people aren't surprised when men have this problem, it's hard to grasp that some women go through it, too. I'm one of those people who grew up believing that **all** men can never get enough. Not quite the truth...at all

Motorguy - yes, I've talked to him about it several times. I said that it doesn't seem to sink in, but I'm probably not being fair. He's a man of few words; so, I think I may not fully understand the consideration he gives to matters. We're both quiet introverts. Our communication is probably 90% non-verbal and we read each other fairly accurately most of the time. There are times, though, when things just need to be said.

effy - thank you for your insight. Here's an example of what I'm trying to say, but having a hard time explaining....

Yesterday, I allowed myself to think about this subject for several hours, while he was away from home. I cried, I read posts, I did searches, etc. I was in a bad state of mind (which usually takes a little while for me to bring myself out of). Almost miraculously, when he came through the door last night, I was happy. I smiled a genuine smile, because I was genuinely happy to see him. We had a really light and enjoyable time together all the way through to bed time. We went to bed and went to sleep. This morning, he woke me up, made the first move, and we made love (first time in almost three weeks).

This is kind of where I was going with the "change me" thing. Unbelievable that I was able to have a cheerful attitude after the day I had, but somehow, it happened. And I'm not sure if that's why he made love to me this morning or not...but it probably didn't hurt. I want to be the person that he wants to connect with, and to do that, I have to change the way I interact with him and the way I think. Certainly, I can't change who I am or what I believe, but I can change my methods. Hope that makes sense.

[kdc]

kdc - he's been tested for testosterone level and it's normal. He had that checked without my knowledge and told me about it later. I knew he was going to the doctor to have his cholesterol and Vit D level checked, but I never dreamed he would ask to have his T level checked. So that tells me that he does have concerns about his lack of desire. Apparently, it matters to him, and he's kind of baffled by it too.

Or it could be that it was checked because the doctor suggested it, like was the case with my DH. Neither of us had suspected he had low T, but the doc checked him because he complained of being tired and fatigued all the time. That's when it was found that he had low T AND vitamin D.

Motorguy - yes, I've talked to him about it several times. I said that it doesn't seem to sink in, but I'm probably not being fair. He's a man of few words; so, I think I may not fully understand the consideration he gives to matters. We're both quiet introverts. Our communication is probably 90% non-verbal and we read each other fairly accurately most of the time. There are times, though, when things just need to be said.

I've got a man of little words, too, so I know that's a challenge. Communication is key to a good relationship. If you want a good, solid relationship, you will both have to figure out a way to communicate better. I can tell you, from experience, that keeping your thoughts bottled up doesn't work.

[effy2014]

This is kind of where I was going with the "change me" thing. Unbelievable that I was able to have a cheerful attitude after the day I had, but somehow, it happened. And I'm not sure if that's why he made love to me this morning or not...but it probably didn't hurt. I want to be the person that he wants to connect with, and to do that, I have to change the way I interact with him and the way I think. Certainly, I can't change who I am or what I believe, but I can change my methods. Hope that makes sense.

I apologize again because that was not my takeaway from your initial post. It appeared to me that you wanted to want/need intimacy less. I may quibble with the assignment of "fault" implied by your need to change . . . that he is not interacting with you because of the way you interact with him. I assume that, during your conversations, he would have said so. That written, we should all strive to interact better with our partners and, as I like to say, love how they love. Of course, it is just another "tactic" to change his desire for intimacy.

The fact that your husband had his testosterone level checked and that he made love to you is a giant step in the right direction. It is clear that he has heard you and is trying to take steps to improve. You said something in another thread that may help. You desire all types of physical touching. He may be reluctant to start down that road because it will eventually lead to sex. When my SO does not feel in the mood (or just wants to sleep), she won't kiss me deeply -- she knows that it will lead to a sexual encounter that she does not want at the time. If he felt that just touching could just be snuggling, you may get sufficient gratification between sex. Just a thought.

[ladyautumn]

You said something in another thread that may help. You desire all types of physical touching. He may be reluctant to start down that road because it will eventually lead to sex. When my SO does not feel in the mood (or just wants to sleep), she won't kiss me deeply -- she knows that it will lead to a sexual encounter that she does not want at the time. If he felt that just touching could just be snuggling, you may get sufficient gratification between sex. Just a thought.

Yes, that's something I try to do with my husband as well. I will walk up to him for a hug, get my hug, and walk away for example. From time to time, he'll "invite" me to cuddle with him in bed, and that's all there is. There's not a quick fix, and in the meantime, those hugs and cuddles help a lot.

[Lexhill]

ladyautumn: I have been searching for things for 10 years to try to resolve my issues. Still I struggle getting the concept of how to change it. I believe that my psychological problems is one of the main reasons for my never ending appetite for sex, as well as the mood swings from the rejections. Believe me they can be harsh and though to deal with. The swings can last for weeks.

aside from this I can in no way say that this can be your case as you don't give me a reason to believe so. But as I am also struggling with me having a daily need and my wife only wants it maybe 1-2 a month when things are "Normal". I am a little bitter thought as for the first years with my wife we could have sex more than once a day. But enough about my situation.

When it comes to you, a therapist will try to "help" you achieve your goals for happiness that's their job. A real professional will not do what you ask because it will generate a psychological mine inside of you. You might be able to never step on it but if you do it can have serious consequences.

I would rather try to talk to your husband in a open and solution filled mind set. I know this might be hard, but if you two are able to do it, I would think it might help you both very much. You say that you need the cuddling and closeness of what sex gives you. as well as the sexual needs. I would ask your husband if he would be willing to try to kiss, cuddle or/and massage your shoulders, while you might pleasure yourself if he's not interested in sex (Maybe while sitting in a couch watching tv. That way you will get your needs meet in one way and he does not "have" to participate. Other then that maybe the vibrator idea he gave is not the "dumb", Maybe you could say well OK I will get one as long as I can use it in front of you when I please. I know from me and my male friends that I have talked to, that is one of the absolute most sexy and attractive things a women can do. It shows confidence and it looks incredibly hot. If you get the clause "in front of you when I please". you can do it in front of him whenever you want sex. If he's not interested in having sex more then 3 times a month then I am baffled. But then again, I am on your side of the situation therefor not necessarily intune with your husband.

I would just think that he is open to things when he introduced the thought of a vibrator. Maybe one of those panty vibrators with a remote could spice things up. give him the remote and see if anything happens.

The best of luck for you and your husband. I hope you guys find a solution.

[Lexhill]

I just noticed I replied without reading page 2. Therefor take consideration to my last post, some things might not be applicable.

But what I have read a lot of people who are on the other side then "us" long for the possibility to do things without the constant need for it to lead to sex. Even a good massage can be turned down if they know it always leads to sex. That is something I have started to really think about in my case.

But as for what I know a happy lady that leaves stress and worries behind and lives in the now is an attractive women. Men will more likely initiate sex then. And be really happy that your husband still can start the "act". You are already more lucky than me there. And if you have read my recent thread you will know that I am working on this my self. So I am going to try to remove all sexual pressure, that means she will have to initiate sex the next time I am getting any action.

I am happy for your last "encounter" hopefully your next is soon.

[PhrendlyPhil]

Yesterday, I allowed myself to think about this subject for several hours, while he was away from home. I cried, I read posts, I did searches, etc. I was in a bad state of mind (which usually takes a little while for me to bring myself out of). Almost miraculously, when he came through the door last night, I was happy. I smiled a genuine smile, because I was genuinely happy to see him. We had a really light and enjoyable time together all the way through to bed time. We went to bed and went to sleep. This morning, he woke me up, made the first move, and we made love (first time in almost three weeks).

This is kind of where I was going with the "change me" thing. Unbelievable that I was able to have a cheerful attitude after the day I had, but somehow, it happened. And I'm not sure if that's why he made love to me this morning or not...but it probably didn't hurt. I want to be the person that he wants to connect with, and to do that, I have to change the way I interact with him and the way I think. Certainly, I can't change who I am or what I believe, but I can change my methods. Hope that makes sense.

Lady Autumn: Such wonderful news. There's something to be said for early morning sex. Great way to start the day. Next time you can set your alarm earlier and wake him up with some loving.

[ladyautumn]

Lady Autumn: Such wonderful news. There's something to be said for early morning sex. Great way to start the day. Next time you can set your alarm earlier and wake him up with some loving.

It's not the ideal time for me, but I can't be choosy That's about the only time he's ever interested.