[ladyautumn]

Hi. I probably need to see a therapist (and it takes a lot for me to admit it). I'm a sexually frustrated 50 year old woman, and what I DON'T want is advice on how to change my husband. I've read tons of material about how to talk to your husband, how to try to fix him, etc., etc. That advice is great for many people. It's not great for me.

I want to know how to come to terms with the situation as it is, make peace with it, and rise above it.

Sex has always been extremely important to me, maybe I'm an addict...I don't know...but I'm pretty sure I would never get tired of making love once or twice every day. It's my route to emotional bonding, it's healing, it puts trivial matters within the relationship into perspective. I could go on, but you get the point.

My husband and I have been together as a couple for over three years...we've only been married for a few months. Sex has never been a big deal to him. He'd rather leave it than take it. When we do have sex (maybe three times a month), it's over before I really get started. I've known this was how he is for the entire time we've been together, so it's not something that was great and then went south after marriage. I knew it before I married him, and it weighed heavy on my mind before we got married, because I CAN'T CHANGE HIM. I love him, I have a great deal of respect for him, and I trust him, so I married him anyway.

It's very possible that he's been depressed throughout our relationship, and he's just begun a medication that seems to have positive sexual side effects (Wellbutrin) for many. I hope that's the case with him, but I'll believe it if I see it.

As I mentioned, I'd rather not hear from people offering advice on how to change him or the situation. But if you have any insight about how I can learn to live with it, rise above the self-esteem issues and shame associated with not being desired by my husband, and how to keep from having bitterness and resentment toward him, I would sincerely appreciate it.

Thanks.

[PhrendlyPhil]

Lady Autumn:

If you love, trust, and respect him, you already have most of what you need. Resentment and bitterness come from unmet expectations. You raised your expectations when you married the man thinking that the relationship in the bedroom would change for the better. Obviously, you're disappointed and frustrated that things didn't change.

Honestly, 3 times a month is not horrible (somewhat normal for that age bracket). Since you have desire that strikes you almost daily and he not, you two are a bit of a mismatch. Don't despair. That, too, is normal. If you want him to bone up (excuse the pun), you'll need to become the seductress (done right I'm sure he'll "desire" you easily). If you want a more elongated love-making session, you'll need to ask for it and give instruction (in a loving way). If he can't keep up with you, don't fault him, be resentful, or bitter. Take more responsibility for your own sexual satisfaction and love him just the same. Lower your expectations of him (sexually) and much happiness will come your way.

[ladyautumn]

Thank you for your response.

As I mentioned, I knew this was the case before we married, I'm aware that hoping to change another person in the relationship is immature and idealistic. I weighed the situation for some time before deciding to marry him, so I don't think it's accurate to say I raised my expectations. This is the reason I realize I need to change me. It's unfair to ask him to be something he isn't.

If he had misrepresented himself before we were married, appearing to desire sex more than he really does, that would be altogether different...and there's no doubt I would resent him for it. But that isn't the case. Hence, the title of the thread, "Changing Me."

It does make sense that I would need to become the seductress. I did that early on, but I couldn't take the rejection...so I stopped. To clarify, he doesn't have issues with ED. He's able to get and maintain an erection.

I'm 50, and though I'm not the same hot chick I was at 25, I'm still attractive (according to his male friends who remind him that he has a pretty wife). It's still easy for to me feel unattractive and undesirable and struggle with self-esteem when I perceive that I'm not appealing to him.

As far as taking responsibility for my own sexual satisfaction, I have no qualms about relieving the tension myself. That's just a part of life. He jokingly told me to get a vibrator once, and my response is that I don't crave an emotional relationship with a vibrator. Physically, yeah, that would do the trick, but vibrators aren't very good at kissing, holding, cuddling...you know those crazy kinds of things that some women crave in order to strengthen emotional bonds. Taking care of my own needs is my usual outlet, but it's lonely.

I'm the kind of person who views sexual intimacy as an experience that involves every part of who I am - body, soul, and spirit. There's no way I can begin to explain the ways it affects me. There are different reasons for people to have sex, and they're all valid reasons. However, if sex is only used for physical pleasure, it doesn't have to include another person in order to be satisfying. Some people are perfectly happy masturbating to porn, or to fantasies, etc. I'm not happy with that. It's not fulfilling. I can relieve the ache in my body, but I can't relieve the ache in my heart.

[raindancer]

One simple thing is to remind yourself he has chosen to marry you. He loves you, he wants to be with you. His sex drive is low, but that doesn't mean lack of love, because if it was so, you wouldn't be married.

Our self-esteem should come from within. In your situation, I'd do things to make myself a better person, one I'd love so much, nothing coming from outside, depending on other people, would be enough to make me feel bad about myself.

I'm so sorry you, like so many other people, are suffering with problems related with different sex drive. I wish you well. It isn't easy to live so... hugs.

[effy2014]

This is one of the most disheartening threads in which I have participated. A 50 year old woman willing to sacrifice her happiness ("I'm the kind of person who views sexual intimacy as an experience that involves every part of who I am") because she would rather numb herself then change her relationship. I would not recommend a therapist . . . most reputable psychologists would try to put you more in touch with your own feelings and convince you of your right to a happy and fulfilling life (which includes sex). The psychologist might also try to reduce your sense of martyrdom.

A psychiatrist might be the best place to start. A good psychopharmachologist could put you on a anti-depressant which has a significant side of effect of reducing your libido. I am sure some meds can also have an emotional numbing effect.

[ladyautumn]

Thanks for the sarcasm, Effy...that's always good medicine.

[kdc]

Have you had a heart-to-heart talk with your husband about this? It may be that he just doesn't know how very important sex is to you. I would think that he would try harder to accommodate your needs if he knew it was that important to you.

[ladyautumn]

Have you had a heart-to-heart talk with your husband about this? It may be that he just doesn't know how very important sex is to you. I would think that he would try harder to accommodate your needs if he knew it was that important to you.

Thank you for the encouragement.

Yes, I bring it up every few months using different approaches. Tried humor, tried to speak of it seriously (and ended up in tears...which is counter-productive), and other ways as well. The importance doesn't seem to sink in. I appreciate your response, **kdc, and welcome any other input you may have.

On another note...

I said that the advice I've read "is great for many people. It's not great for me," is because I didn't just start searching for an answer to this problem yesterday. I've been searching for more than three years.

I've seen a lot of really good advice on how to fix him, how to get him to change for me, and I've tried much of it. None of it works. My husband is the love of my life; and yes, even if it doesn't get better, I will sacrifice something that's very important to me, because I want to spend my life with him...and that's what people do when we really love someone.

Part of my job is to try to put myself in his shoes and see things from his perspective. If the desire isn't there, and he can't make it be there, isn't unreasonable for me to put pressure on him or demand that he change? If that's the case, what are my options? The only thing I can change or control is myself (and often, I fail at that).

It's hard to know the attitude of a writer sometimes, so let me just state that I'm not saying any of this with contempt for anyone. I'm sad and frustrated at the moment, and I need to know how to fix me.

[kdc]

Yes, I bring it up every few months using different approaches. Tried humor, tried to speak of it seriously (and ended up in tears...which is counter-productive), and other ways as well. The importance doesn't seem to sink in. . . .
Part of my job is to try to put myself in his shoes and see things from his perspective. If the desire isn't there, and he can't make it be there, isn't unreasonable for me to put pressure on him or demand that he change? If that's the case, what are my options? The only thing I can change or control is myself (and often, I fail at that). . . .

Gosh, Ladyautumn, that's a tough spot to be in. The remark you made about it not seeming to sink in is not surprising, though. Men do seem to need to have things clearly spelled out for them. (Sorry, guys, but you know it's true.) They don't take hints, as a general rule.

I understand that you don't want to put pressure on him and demand that he change; but what about your needs? I don't know that you really can change the way you're made up. It's the most natural thing in the world to be drawn to the person you love and want to be intimate with him/her.

Have you considered the possibility that your husband could have low testosterone? This is apparently a pretty common problem with men these days. (My husband has been trying to get his regulated for two or three years now.) I would encourage him to get it checked.

I do hope you can get through to your husband and that you two can work things out to your satisfaction.

[Stillness]

ladyautumn, there are tons of threads and posts on these boards from members dealing with this same issue. A similar one in my own marriage is what led me to this forum. The greatest help was just knowing that other people are dealing with the same issue. It's not misery loving company, but strength through community.

Besides just knowing there are others, reading the ideas that have been accumulated through introspection, conversation, waiting, positive change, as well as negative change can give you insight into your own circumstances. Use the search feature. I doubt more than a week goes by here without someone posting about not getting enough. It really is a common issue.

Incidentally, my situation did improve since I've been here. It's still not perfect, but there is hope.

Welcome to WH!