[scotschik77]

Hi all new to this site and have read a few posts so far with similar problems, but still need a talkin too (i think, hope)
I have been with my partner for over a year (have known each other over 3 years though) but just recently we are struggling in the bedroom department,well more so him. The problem being i can rarely get him to get an erection and when i do ive noticed it is only when he has his eyes closed. Even when we are making love he "loses" it BUT it doesnt happen when he has his eyes closed or isnt facing me! we have always had a great sex life and experimented with toys etc and that side too, he can stay erect when hes "doing" his toys but not me recently we have been going through the motions when i found out he'd been using a messenger program on his mobile, which he hid from me, he constantly changes phone password, i found out he's still on 2 adult websites/dating sites (which he claims were from before we got together) the the new clothes,underwear, taking selfies of himself half naked (in a state of arousal too, which he eventually sent to me something he hasnt done for a year) also send alarm bells to me,obviously i have confronted him & hes denied chattin to other women & said the pics were for me as thought id like them, but i have a feeling this is a lie.I know he gets turned on looking at other women (and then tries to sidle up to me, which does wonders for my self-esteem...not!!) as all guys to look, but really, does he find me that unattractive that he has to look at other women to get turned on or close his eyes to think of....god knows what to be able to finish??Yes we all have fantasies, but we always share our thoughts, so all of this doesnt make sense.
Last night i tried to initiate love making again and his bits didnt so much as flinch i got upset and he started saying "why has this got to be about you?" til i pointed out he is able to get turned on any other time, more so when im not around or when im asleep, perfectly fine so it must be me (he said nothing more)...he always tells me im gorgeous and sexy, but im feeling hes sayin it more to convince himself than me now
I have researched ED, but given he can get aroused no problem any other time (like ie stated above) im doubting this is the problem. Could i be right in thinking there is someone else or hes just not attracted to me like he once was??what do i do?am i just adding 2+2 and coming up with 6 or could there something more??i am at my wits end and i know talking to him wont make a difference cause he just says "dont be daft, of course you do" when i ask him if i still turn him on...confused.com...help, im breaking my heart here

[honeybee888]

Sounds like a similar situation I was in a bit ago. But for us the issue was porn. If they dating sites were before yall got together why wouldn't he delete them after it became a relationship? Also I find the phone password to be odd. You said you have a feeling he is lying and those gut feelings are usually right in my opinion. Sounds to me he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. I would try a calm convo (not when your upset) about it. I know you stated talking wont do any good but maybe look at how you are approaching it. I had to tell my man either cut way back on the porn or I cant do this anymore instead of asking him what is wrong with me or if i still turn him on. I'm sure you are beautiful inside and out. You should be with someone who makes you feel that way or at the least willing make an honest effort.

[Ashlee T.]

I don't want to be a negative Nancy here, but I think you definitely have a right to be concerned. I try to imagine if the roles were reversed, and I would say the same thing. If he's ONLY having that issue with you, it leaves me thinking there's something more going on. I doubt he is just suddenly NOT attracted to you. But it makes me wonder if he's got some sort of mental connection elsewhere he's interested in and it's distracting him, making him feel guilty, etc.

Regardless of what is causing it, its a touchy topic. The more you bring it up, the worse it's going to be for him mentally. But not bringing it up harbors resentment. I dated a guy who had this issue. I didn't figure it out. I thought it was porn, masturbation, etc. I was sure of it. But after I ended things, inevitably due to this issue, he began dating his neighbor who was also his "best friend" that I never trusted. Looking back, I think he was struggling with feelings for her the whole time. She wasn't his "type" physically and I was, so I think he was trying really hard to not want her.

This is creating a complex for you that is extremely damaging. You are indeed beautiful, and I'm sure he's well aware of that. Whatever is going on here has nothing to do with your physical appearance I'm quite sure.

[scotschik77]

thanks for your replies ladies...well i have had kids, but was lucky enough to walk out of the hospital,and maintain my size 8 (uk) figure and my figure is one of the things that attracted him to me. I suspect he is doing most of any chatting when i am either at work,or he is, or on some Saturdays,when i do training (as a counsellor). When have confronted him with evidence, like the websites and his messaging app, he has always come up with an excuse. he thinks sweet talkin me and hugs works, but im left feeling like crap and questioning myself (im not the most confident person & he knows this...though people out with think otherwise because im quite a bubbly person). I know he has been deleting facebook messages too and with the constant changing of his phone password all he says it is is to stop the guys at work hacking into his phone, but when i say impossible and point out facts and the fact he does it at weekends too when not at work, he says nothing, apart from pointless arguing cause "nothing i say you'll believe"...if it was the truth then i would. It makes me laugh as he has accused me so much of cheating and checked my phone etc yet i have no desire to cheat and never have & this has been proven. He promised not to pry or go through my phone again, i didnt believe him,and caught him out another time. I have said that usually if you accuse someone of cheating its because they are the ones doing the cheating, he denied this of course. God i dont know (for once my own advice and training thus far isnt helping), i truly want to believe he isnt. His ex cheated on him loads (hence his insecurity) and he says he knows how it feels so wouldnt, but then he acts evasive all the time and now the sex is going down hill, i am thinking otherwise what makes me laugh moreso is he accuses me, yet one of his fantasies is to see me with another man, and they both "do" me, which i have refused point blank. Im very very open minded but believe our love life should be just that urs, not bringing someone else in, especially when both insecure and he said the same. Argggh, so confused, he says one thing but his actions are screaming another...anyway thanks again, i am now determined to get more proof, so have taken steps to find out for definite for when im next out of the home. once i have enough (if any) evidence then i'll try talk to him (he cant deny the evidence i will have at all)...sorry to ramble

[Lexhill]

I believe you are right about him hiding something, changing your password constantly kinda proves that point. It's a little naive to think people won't react to that. He knows inside that there is something he does not want to share with anyone. On the other hand he has promised not to check your phone but you check his. This will most likely annoy him very much. Regardless of him most likely hiding something. I would guess the best way to catch him if he does something at home, is to try to stop at home to pick up something at a time that he feels safe you won't be getting home.

Other then that I am a little blank, the thought about cheating never strikes me. I believe if I do wanna have sex with someone else I need to face my wife and say it's over first.

when it comes to the erection I would believe that it's more a psychological issue. If you have not changed to much and from what you say, your body is NOT the cause. The actions you do on the other side as well as it seems that he has his mind somewhere else can easily be the reason. That does NOT translate to you being the problem. For me it seems the opposite. The problem is just how to get his attention back to where it should be. To the mother of his kids.

I kinda feel like when he's not willing to talk about what happens the only way is to trick it out of him and I can see more then one way on how to do this. But I am not sure if that will help you out in the long run.

I hope you figure it out. But be sure, from a mans point of view(me) there should be no reason for a bad self esteem on your part. your problem would not be to get a new good man that treats you well. But rather find the way to change your SO's behavior.(And that's his fault it seems)

[scotschik77]

I believe you are right about him hiding something, changing your password constantly kinda proves that point. It's a little naive to think people won't react to that. He knows inside that there is something he does not want to share with anyone. On the other hand he has promised not to check your phone but you check his. This will most likely annoy him very much. Regardless of him most likely hiding something. I would guess the best way to catch him if he does something at home, is to try to stop at home to pick up something at a time that he feels safe you won't be getting home.

Other then that I am a little blank, the thought about cheating never strikes me. I believe if I do wanna have sex with someone else I need to face my wife and say it's over first.

when it comes to the erection I would believe that it's more a psychological issue. If you have not changed to much and from what you say, your body is NOT the cause. The actions you do on the other side as well as it seems that he has his mind somewhere else can easily be the reason. That does NOT translate to you being the problem. For me it seems the opposite. The problem is just how to get his attention back to where it should be. To the mother of his kids.

I kinda feel like when he's not willing to talk about what happens the only way is to trick it out of him and I can see more then one way on how to do this. But I am not sure if that will help you out in the long run.

I hope you figure it out. But be sure, from a mans point of view(me) there should be no reason for a bad self esteem on your part. your problem would not be to get a new good man that treats you well. But rather find the way to change your SO's behavior.(And that's his fault it seems)

Hi no no, i dont check his phone, i never have, but i can clearly see he has changed his password all the time, going from words to symbols which change a lot and he promised not to check mine several times and was caught out a couple of weeks ago doing it again!!

I know he deletes messages as again i can clearly see him doing it (he thinks he has his phone tilted away from me enough not to notice and thinks i am distracted which i am, but by what he's doing..his actions make me suspicious) he also said one time while browsing apps that there was one to hide messages, i told him even thought about downloading it then hes out, he said he hasnt but hmm, i know he has a picture locker app,again he says its to keep pics ive sent him safe, but if hes only one looking at his phone then who does he have to keep them safe from??i just dont see his reasoning for having any "hide your stuff" apps if not upto anything...why hide fact he was on a messenger service, why be on dating websites still (and one is quite explicit too) though i do not know if he goes on that one still.

As for his mind being else where god knows where, certainly not with me, we talk about most things from work to day to day things, so know its not that. Like said i have already taken steps to get more evidence, if im wrong then fine but if not then....

And they arent his kids btw from a previous relationship (he as son from previous r'ship too)...thank you for your perspective on things

[scotschik77]

ok a bit of an update. well my suspicions were right. on Wednesday of last week i found out he'd been sending sexy messages to at least 4 women on facebook. i confronted him, threw him out, talked it through etc etc then yesterday, i found out not only had he been sending messages by fb but also whatsapp and pictures to go with it!!i had asked him about this previously and he denied it, then he got a new phone and i put all his pics onto pc, with him sat there, including sent ones from whatsapp (i wondered why the colour drained from his face when i said he had pics there too,but none in the received file!!since found out he "wasnt daft enough to have other pics of women on his phone, but still received them) then i went to put them onto an external hd, putting them into dates etc pics he'd supposedly done for me and sent to me via kik where there, and pics i didnt even recognise where there :'( we talked things through and he accused me of messaging a guy and thats why he did it,which is an old friend from many yrs ago,but i proved it was all innocent,plus me and the guy had only been friends on fb for 2 months, my partner had been sending/receiving pics since june/july,at least so his excuse was bs he denied it all regards the pics, but the evidence was too great that he had to admit it. i love this guy so much and yes we are gong through a hard time, most of which he has left me to deal with (so if anyone should be feeling resentful or unappreciated it should be me and me doing the cheating) I talk to him about everything,always, and he repays me by doing this. And it hurts that he has sent me a pic or two on kik and then a few mins later sent it to the other women on whatsapp, yet trying to make out it was all me turning him on etc (when i know differently now) :'( how do i get over this??i do love him but the trust has been completely shattered, 2 bombshells and a whole lot of extra lies in the past 5 days has driven me to breaking point.Last year i had the trust broken in a big way by someone i was extremely close to and now this. in a year the 2 people i trusted the most (besides my kids) have betrayed me in the biggest way possible...i have also just been signed off work for 2 wks because of it all...help/advice appreciated

[raindancer]

I'm so sorry you're going through such a bad time! That's tough!

You know, we may dwell on stuff and try to understand and all, and pity ourselves all we want. But the thing is pretty simple in the end of the day: you're incompatible, he lies to you.

Feeling resentful only adds to the time of healing.

I'd get rid of him immediately and forget he had ever been there. Sounds easy? Yeah, I know... but you can do it. The longer you linger and try to understand and the longer you let yourself give in to feelings of being resentful and the like, the longer it'll take to move on.

The bottom line is that he's a liar. If you don't like it, you have to move on. You can feel all the painful feelings you want, it won't change him, it won't change the things he's done.

So sad. Take care.

[Motorguy]

Well Scotschik I think all your feeling are correct. I put this down as this with fixing the communication with the partner as its in dire need of it all. That consulting a theraphiest is highly need to get pass these issue. But your feeling thinking he is corresponding with texts with other women is probably more likely happening. So until he really puts it in respected that you both are a couple till then he really wants to flirt with other women till you put your foot down. Then tell him couples therphay or you gone and move on with someone who gives you respect you. That you at least deserved that and not treat you like idiot on what he is really doing with his phone. Well good luck I hope he see what he will be missing if he doesn't come around with his issue being faithful to you only.

[scotschik77]

well things have got a whole lot worse, i am trying to get over it,but its so hard and i know it wont happen over night. But thing that hurts now is the times he has sent the pics are sometimes when he was with me and we were having days out together,which i thought we were having fun,guess i was alone in that and the pics he sent me via kik, well they werent for me after all they were ones he did for "them" (trying not to swear) 3 days before :'( i get a crappy text,then a text saying "i love you soooo much baby" for him to then sent the pics of his bits to them :'( told him that proves he didnt feel guilty at all,as he claims he has. he said it started out as banter and got carried away,cheek he accuses me of cheating when i have banter, yet hes doing that AND says he is still paranoid that im doing it, what a cheek, told him not to judge me by his own standards which is evidently very little. told him he doesnt love me, he doesnt even grasp the concept of what love is, if he did hed never have gone there. he made the conscious decision to do what he did without a thought for one second to how id feel. i thought id be enough of an ego boost for him, but obviously not im questioning everything he says to me now, and everything he has ever said, moreso now, because it turns out he knows these women personally they live over 300 miles away in his hometown, but how will i ever trust him if he goes to visit family??ive said that to him, if i hadnt found out itd still be happening, if he went home and the texts were about "how much you turn me on","i want to do this that and the next thing to you" then for def theyd have met up and god knows what...he cant answer to that he wont do therapy,as he doesnt speak to strangers. I wrote him a letter about whats going on in my head and he did break down and cry, but told him his sorries mean nothing, hes only sorry he got caught as hes still not answering my questions :'( i made him block the other womens numbers on his phone and delete them etc, he tried to dupe me about that,but i went mental, he says he didnt know why i wanted to know who they were grrrr...then he blocked 2 more, and claimed the first 4 he bloced werent people hed sent pics too etc, ok so why block them, for days i went on about one woman on the list and not once did he say she wasnt one of them until i found out he used to work with her, and said i was going to expose the both of the dirty ******, So if shes not one of them, that leaves the last 2 he blocked, so theres 2 missing. he claims he cant remember who but thats bs, he said must've sent same pic to them,bs, same pic sent four times days apart and 2 on same days etc (thats 4 diff people) he cant be that forgettful he cant remember or see on the app messenger box what hes sent surely??hes claimed hes taken whatsapp off his phone yet still has the password/fingerprint detection on his phone, if nothing to hide,why have it??my heart s breaking,im so so confused, and my emotions are everywhere,crying so much im hyperventilations, angry to point i lashed out at hm when it came out that he worked with one of them (im ashamed i hit him too) i love him so much, but how do i get over the betrayal??is it possible??if i put it into perspective he was sending pics from june but the sexting & flirting must have started wayyyyy before (April/May time) thats more than half our r'ship & that breaks my heart knowing that at some point, very early on, i stopped being enough for him :'(