[muffin70]

My wife has a friend (work mate) who is very attractive… even before I met her, my wife said “you will probably think she is attractive” – and she was right. I told my wife that I thought her friend was attractive, but I am a happily married man and would never ‘stray’. However as the months have gone on (I met her in April this year?) I have started to find her more and more attractive – she regularly comes with my wife to watch my band play. She is a genuine nice person and is a solo mother with 2 young kids, but I can’t stop thinking about her sometimes….

It got to the point the other night when I was looking up her Facebook page and scrolling through all her photos… and I found myself getting extremely aroused and I had to go to the bathroom to ‘relieve’ myself.

I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself… I know I am not actually having an affair, but I kind of feel like I am. My wife’s friend is very promiscuous and often flirts with men on the dance floor when she comes to see my band, and I believe she is seeing a couple of guys casually (from what my wife tells me). I don’t think my wife’s friend is interested in me in the slightest, because I am married – but I don’t care, I just can’t get her out of my head…. I think I maybe infatuated with her….. I’m 100% certain though I would not sleep with her even if she asked me, because I love my wife to bits and would not do anything to jeopardise my marriage

I don’t really know what to do here…. Do I confess to my wife that I can’t stop thinking about her friend?

My wife has a good friendship with her friend and I wouldn’t want to ruin that at all….

Anyone got any advise??

[jilljames8184]

Honesty is the best policy....be open and truthful with your wife.

[Lexhill]

I am sorry that you struggle so much with this. In my mind there is nothing wrong with finding someone other than you wife attractive as long as you always show your wife that she is the hottest one for you. Telling her that she makes you wanna relieve yourself on the other side might not be to smart to say. Sometimes a white lie can be OK. Telling her that part might make her really sad. This all depends on you and your wives relationship. Is she open for that kinda talk then it might not be a problem, if she is at all insecure I would guess you would really hurt her feelings. As long as you do not act out with this other women there is no harm in it. And of course give your wife the attention when you are together.

Felt kinda strange saying all that, since I completely agree with honesty being the best policy. But there are many feelings that can be shaken up for no reason, as long as this other women is not interfering in your marriage.

[Romy]

I agree that honesty is the best policy but in this instance if you're truly sure you would never sleep with this woman then I would keep my feelings to myself. I just can't see what would be achieved by telling your wife.

[PhrendlyPhil]

DO NOT BRING THIS UP WITH YOUR WIFE! Your fantasies of your wife's friend are completely normal. It would only be harmful if it interfered with your relationship with your wife, otherwise keep it to yourself. The mere discussion about it might be hurtful to her (not to mention her relationship with her friend). I fantasize about my wife's friends all the time. I do not let it affect my relationship with my wife.

[atskitty2]

I have mixed feelings about this. I am generally an advocate for honesty. She commented prior to meeting the woman that she was expecting that you'd find her attractive. Has she followed up, to ask what you think?

I think it bothers you, and if it bothers you, then it's probably wise to share it. I am a believer that anyone can stray, even couples in happy relationships. People lust & people cheat. You're not immune. If you can't stop thinking about her, as you say, then the attention is already off your wife. You seem to admire this woman & respect her...and you're mentally already placing her in your mind for masturbatory purposes.

So, I think there's nothing wrong with not telling her if you choose, but I think you're playing with fire here. If you want to tell her, there's a way to be tactful so that it isn't necessarily going to destroy relationships. I think the possibility exists that if you share this thing with your wife, you'll remove the taboo, the secrecy & therefore remove the excitement & interest in it for yourself...sometimes opening up & placing that trust in your spouse is all you need to remove that whole thing.

What I'm suggesting isn't to reveal all the gory details, unless she asks specifically. But just share with her that you do find her very attractive & are attracted to her in a strong way, and you just wanted to get it in the open.
I just don't think secrets are good. Especially when it does affect that partner. And whether you realize it or not, it does, or it will, most likely. You've already taken it to the next level in your mind, and that's removing from your marital relationship, in my opinion.

[muffin70]

Well things have taken a turn... my wife came home from work and said "you'll never guess what happened to **********" she is pregnant.
Her friend has only known this guy for less that 2 months and confided in my wife that when she went up to meet him 2 months ago (she had met him once briefly before) and took her kids to meet his kids - he is a solo dad with 4 daughters.... and it just 'happened' apparently. She is over the moon and loves being a mother, but she told him on Friday when he was supposed come down to spend the weekend with her and he said he needs time to think about things.... She is a christian and has already indicated to my wife that she wants to keep the baby... I don't think she has thought things through, but she only found out 3-4 days ago...

Anyway I took that opportunity to confess to my wife that I found her friend very attractive and I apologised for being attracted to her friend, but my wife understood and said she loves me and knows I would not sleep with anyone else... so I'm glad I got that off my chest.

I don't think her friend is thinking straight regarding her pregnancy... this guy cannot support her financially as he is a solo dad, with 4 daughters and currently unemployed..... it's early days so she might re-think things.

[atskitty2]

Well, that's unfortunate for her in a sense.

I'm glad you chose to just get it off your chest. Seems like you're glad you took that approach as well.
Keep us posted.

[muffin70]

I have mixed feelings about this. I am generally an advocate for honesty. She commented prior to meeting the woman that she was expecting that you'd find her attractive. Has she followed up, to ask what you think?

my wife knows what I like in a woman..... I like plus size / fuller figured women with larger breasts.... just like my wife.
And her friend is just like this.... actually the other week we gave her friend a lift to her car and the friend was wearing a shorter skirt. My wife commented that the skirt was not a good look as her friend has well built thighs.... but all I could think of was her friend looked totally hot!
Anyway I did talk to my wife about it and got it all off my chest - and I feel a lot better

I am just shocked that her friend (and her male friend) did not use any 'protection' and she got pregnant the first time they had sex.... my wife and I tried for 5-6 years to have a family and she was unable to get pregnant.
I don't know how the friends B/F feels about this - it must be a shock to him...

[atskitty2]

I hear of that quite often, actually. Often from teens who try to hide the fact that they've been having lots of sex. They tell their parents it only happened once. Ok, maybe it did, maybe not. It makes no difference really, once you're pregnant, whether it happened once or one hundred, in my mind.
But anyway...

I thought you may feel better to just share the thoughts & feelings w/your wife. Sometimes just getting it out in the open is cleansing & removes the guilt, and if you're in a solid relationship, and the spouse is confident in your love, I personally see no point in keeping secrets, if it truly is innocent & you want nothing to become reality of the fantasies.