[Freaking Out 34]

My wife found that in the last month I had masterbated to porn a few times and when I say a few I mean 3. She feels I have cheated on her and wants a divorce. Everything up till today was wonderful.

This all started last night when I played a soccer game as I do once every week at 9pm. I return around 11pm and this time I woke up at 5:30am to go surf because the waves are very good. The kicker is that I did not leave a note which I will never do again and she was very upset.

So upset, that after trying many times to get me on the phone and failing because I was in the water decided to check my internet history on the computer. She found that I masterbated to porn 3 times. She basically vomitted in her mouth called me at work and now I am on the couch after she spent the majority of the day googling how to divorce a porn addict.

I have looked at porn several times over the last 6 years and it has been recently. I am not sure why I did this and I would have never done it if I knew it would hurt my wife this bad. I don't even really like it pe say. . . I just used it to speed up the process. Why? I love her like a fat kid loves cake. She is my best friend, lover and soul mate.

Yes, I used soul mate. We have 2 children that I can't get enough of and they listened to this argument all day.

Also, I have known for years that my wife has a tendency to fly off the handle and be very irrational but this time seems different. I know I have truly hurt her.

I do not want a divorce, I do not want any other woman and deffintely would not watch porn again knowing it hurts her like this.

I do not disregard her feelings but, Divorce. Are you kidding me? Is this why our countries' divorce rate is so high?

We have been married for 3 years and I have loved every minute of it except today.

If you have any advice please chime in because I am never to proud to ask for help.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

My wife found that in the last month I had masterbated to porn a few times and when I say a few I mean 3. She feels I have cheated on her and wants a divorce. Everything up till today was wonderful.

This all started last night when I played a soccer game as I do once every week at 9pm. I return around 11pm and this time I woke up at 5:30am to go surf because the waves are very good. The kicker is that I did not leave a note which I will never do again and she was very upset.

So upset, that after trying many times to get me on the phone and failing because I was in the water decided to check my internet history on the computer. She found that I masterbated to porn 3 times. She basically vomitted in her mouth called me at work and now I am on the couch after she spent the majority of the day googling how to divorce a porn addict.

I have looked at porn several times over the last 6 years and it has been recently. I am not sure why I did this and I would have never done it if I knew it would hurt my wife this bad. I don't even really like it pe say. . . I just used it to speed up the process. Why? I love her like a fat kid loves cake. She is my best friend, lover and soul mate.

Yes, I used soul mate. We have 2 children that I can't get enough of and they listened to this argument all day.

Also, I have known for years that my wife has a tendency to fly off the handle and be very irrational but this time seems different. I know I have truly hurt her.

I do not want a divorce, I do not want any other woman and deffintely would not watch porn again knowing it hurts her like this.

I do not disregard her feelings but, Divorce. Are you kidding me? Is this why our countries' divorce rate is so high?

We have been married for 3 years and I have loved every minute of it except today.

If you have any advice please chime in because I am never to proud to ask for help.

Perhaps she is hurting for two reasons, one because you didn't just look at porn, you mastibated. This brings fear into her, that she's just not good enough AND two, non - trust, what else have you been doing and for how long.

The emotions of a woman are totally different than that of a man. In-security is in my opinion " the root to all evil" that is, that that is what we see, evil.

Of course she's hurt, she's feels cheated, confused, perhaps even things you may be having an affair.

But, there was insecurity there before she found out. She couldn't find you, so tried to call, couldn't locate you, so checked your internet?

Is there perhaps a bit more to this story. Perhaps, it's a simple, you don't make her feel safe, secure anyway and leads her to such thoughts, and suspect, or this is her actual nature, which only you would know.

The bottom line is, if this is your belief of love, then you must just be straight forward and let her calm down and talk to her, truly talk to her and tell her why you did it, is there something missing sexually between you, i mean you say 6 years, but just stared. Also what would hurt incredibly that it was 3 times in 4 weeks, that's almost once a week.

So, imagine how she feels, i'm not sexy enough, not giving him enough, not good enough, is he seeing someone else, has he always been like this, what will happen next, no i don't want to find out, so i'll just go, because i don't need to feel worse later.

Ask yourself truthfully first WHY? Why you did it, why so frequently over such a short period of time, why did you need to satisfy that urge, without her, when your love for her is so acute?

When you ask those questions you will have the answers perhaps you need, to answer her fear...

And, most agree that Porn, whilst married is a no no.... You can have everything you ever desired, from your own wife, from her photos, her lust, love, desire, sensuality and sexuality.

Perhaps, you both need to explore more perhaps that's the reason for it.

Again, only you know. But certainly find that out, search your soul honestly and talk with her.

Love is too good to let go, sex comes along every day, love is something else.

Best wishes.

[metboogie]

Sorry to hear about your problems...I don't even know where to begin.

First, people in general will have vastly different definitions of "cheating"...I'm assuming your wife includes porn as cheating. This is something every couple should know about each other early on...

Second, it DOES seem like she is over reacting a little bit (OK, a lot). If your marriage was indeed very healthy up until that point it seems very irrational and "in the moment" to start demanding a divorce - especially within earshot of the kids.

Lastly, what can I say - you screwed up (at least in her eyes)...so you need to dig deep down, find the words to express your emotions best, and give the most sincere, heartfelt apology you can. It stands to reason that you are willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage - if she is not willing to do the same than there is a problem. Also, she may just need some time to come to her senses. Don't be afraid to go to her closest confidants, admit the whole truth, and ask for their help. MOST people won't have her same reaction, and from the outside looking in this definitely seems like a marriage worth saving. If I can tell that from 1 internet post, your closest friends and family should see it even more.

Also, I don't know if you go to Church...but if you do don't be afraid to seek out your Pastor. Don't be afraid to make a public apology to God and your wife and ask for the Church's support and prayers. Some may judge you - but you know the saying "those of you without sin cast the first stone"...most will admire your openness and vulnerability.

Most of all, take time out to reassure your children that this isn't their fault, that you both love them and that everything will be OK.

Remember this as well - your wife seems to be a bit stubborn, with a quick temper. My wife is similar - which means once she has come to a conclusion about something in her mind it isn't ever going to change. Which means if she thinks you are a porn addict, than she won't believe you only watched it 3 times. She won't care either, because 1 time was enough. So don't waste your time trying to change her mind. Just keep doing things to show her the man she loves and wants to be with.

Good luck, keep us posted.

[C]

I would fill the bill of one of the wives that fly off the handle. Sometimes I operate two feet off the ground when I am mad, but this is seldom....Just the way I am...This flaw would show it's face if what happened to your wife happened to me.

I do not believe that all men like Porn but this is preached on this and many other site....It is preached simply because all the men, or most of them, that like Porn are here. If they didn't, why would they be in a woman's sexual site talking about sex. This is the one thing that confuses me.. Just about every man here preach's acceptance of it, yet so few in real life like it. Believe me I am not out to change the world but truly it is an infection that is getting bigger and bigger. So they sit and masturbate and their wife gets nothing. Obviously, my husband does not like Porn....He likes me...I am his Porn..

What you can do is swear on a stack of bibles that you will not do it again....If your marriage means that much to you, then mean it. This bothers her. It would bother me if my husband jacked off and masturbated instead of giving this to me....I love sex and want every bit of who and what he is...

I wonder what it is that we wives have to do to get our men away from Porn.....Some do not care because they do not like sex to start....Tell your wife what you want and see if she will give you the show and tell that you want.....She may find that she enjoys it as much as I do....

[metboogie]

Caroline -

I have to disagree with you on 1 thing - while many of the men (and women) here advocate the acceptance of porn (for a host of reasons) most of the men I have encountered here have been like me. They are having difficult times in their marriages, can't find a way to get through to their wives and don't have another outlet or resource for support. I have found a lot of insight here in dealing with my marriage...as well as found joy in helping others with there problems.

Also, I have to disagree that masturbation is taking sex away from her. Believe me, most men I know that masturbate (including me) can do it once a day and still fill every one of their wifes needs that night. Masturbation for men is usually a way to release excess tension, stress, anxiety, etc. For women it's usually a way to get the satisfaction that there partner isn't giving them. I know I am generalizing - and not everyone fits this category. Not everyone masturbates, but most people lie about it too.

And BELIEVE ME - every man on this site wishes their wife had a sex drive half as good as yours...shoot, I'd settle for 10% of your sex drive - but than, I've been settling for much less for a long time already.

[C]

Caroline -

I have to disagree with you on 1 thing - while many of the men (and women) here advocate the acceptance of porn (for a host of reasons) most of the men I have encountered here have been like me. They are having difficult times in their marriages, can't find a way to get through to their wives and don't have another outlet or resource for support. I have found a lot of insight here in dealing with my marriage...as well as found joy in helping others with there problems.

Also, I have to disagree that masturbation is taking sex away from her. Believe me, most men I know that masturbate (including me) can do it once a day and still fill every one of their wifes needs that night. Masturbation for men is usually a way to release excess tension, stress, anxiety, etc. For women it's usually a way to get the satisfaction that there partner isn't giving them. I know I am generalizing - and not everyone fits this category. Not everyone masturbates, but most people lie about it too.

And BELIEVE ME - every man on this site wishes their wife had a sex drive half as good as yours...shoot, I'd settle for 10% of your sex drive - but than, I've been settling for much less for a long time already.

When I first started posting near three years ago this October, it was strictly at a Sexual Site that dealt with health issues. The infection of the Porn was just overwhelming. It was like a cancer that women could not cure. It both bothered and confused me. Porn turns a person on. It sexually stimulates them and if a man is watching it, he is going to get off. It is difficult for me to understand a marriage where sex is not everything or should I say the joy of our life, but saying this I am sure it is true.

I truly feel sorry for men who are sexually hurting but in a marriage such as the one that this man has he should talk to her before this becomes a practice that gets bigger and bigger until it is a habit that cannot be broken. Those girls are hot...

I guess my sex drive may be higher than some women and maybe this is why I am here and talking my talk because of men like you who are not being taken care of the way that they should be.....I never thought of it like that....Please forgive..

[kaylar]

There is another aspect that no one seems to notice;
the feeling of the wife that;
"I DON'T KNOW THIS MAN."

There's a famous story of Esther Williams and Jeff Chandler.
They were living together, in love, engaged I think.

Jeff Chandler liked to dress up in women's clothing.

She didn't know that.
Until she saw him dressed up in Women's clothing and
she was out the door.

it wasn't the woman's clothing qua women's clothing, it was;

'I DON'T KNOW THIS MAN!"

It is not so much the porn or the masturbating, is that this
'other side' of you jumped out at her, making her doubt all
her perceptions of who you are.

Imagine if she walked into the house with a little girl and
said; "This is my daughter from a previous relationship."
or
You find a whip and manacles in her closet and she told
you she used to be into S/M.
or
You find out that when she was in High School she had
a lesbian relation with a classmate.
or
She works for MI5.

This...WHO IS THIS PERSON?

will knock you for six, and it will take a very long time
for an 'adjustment' to be made if it is ever made.

It's a 'skeleton' in the closet.

To you it might be meaningless, nothing big.
To her, what she is seeing is that....

"I married John, I thought I knew him. But I don't know
him at all. He's a porn addict, he likes to jerk off, what
else don't I know?"

[Freaking Out 34]

I slept on the couch and usually she is not this angry this long. I am unable to focus at work today and now everything and anything I have ever done is being thrown back in my face. We have been working for almost a year on developing a resort in Costa Rica that is now beginning to see some success and she wants to walk from everything. Me the our hopes dreams and put two more kids out there from a broken home. I am by no means a perfect man. I have now suggested some counseling for the both of us and myself for my new sexual disfunction. I guess I am an addict from everything she has read on the interenet. I didn't know that 3 times makes me such a disfunctional human in society. I feel like I committed an unforegivable crime.

Is this life? How many trials and tribulations does one marriage take? I am so confused even angry that this is not even up for discussion. What type of thing makes a person so angry and unforegiving. I was raised differently. Family was everything and you fought tooth and nail to keep your love together. I feel like a used car that is now ready to trade in.

I realize most of this is scattered and may not make sense but I am having a trouble coping and this seems to help a little.

[Freaking Out 34]

Here is the thing. She knew I masterbated. I am not shy about telling her. I usaully do it in the shower. I knew she did not like porn. Although, I would not do something if I knew she would feel so hurt. I wear my heart on my sleeve and now I am seeking advice from a chat room. I guess I do suck!

I think I know now why divorce is so high. No one wants to work, try, or fight anymore. I will not take divorce lightly. I won't just roll over to cooperate so it is smooth and easy. These things should not be easy. What is happening?

[Fallen1]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

My first thoughts are to give it a few days, let the "shock" of it kind of settle with her and maybe she will calm down a little. She's hurt, confused, and probably feels a bit betrayed right now. If I understood correctly you say that this is the first time that porn has entered the picture, Kaylar is right in saying that she may be wondering "who is this man" and wondering what else she may be in store for.

I am not a fan of porn either in a relationship but I also don't put it on the same level as actually cheating. Based on what you have written I do believe your marriage can be saved.