[Lexhill]

DreamP346: Thanks for the tips. I will take a look on them both. When it comes to helping out my wife I do so in a fairly extensive way. She comments on a regular basis that she feels blessed with me and everything I do at home. Especially when we get a glimps of what other men around us do. I take care of the kids when I'm home, cleaning the kitchen and house, folding laundry every now and then, and much much more. There are days I don't hit the couch for even a second before 9-10 in the evening. There is often I say to her sit and relax and I will fix it. She says it help but in the long run it does not seem like it in my view thought. When it comes to taking a weekend without kids is at the moment hard. As our youngest is still in the need of mom. I do however try to plan out more time for her to relax. So when it comes to do something at the expense of my own time for my wife, there is no problem. I do think she just get's worn out from being woken up all the time during the night. Even thought I take care of the kids at night she can't sleep through the noise. I am looking forward to about half a year maybe getting some quality sleep is possible as well as being able to get someone to watch our kids.

Effy2014: I'm not sure what way you are going with the truthful thing. But I do believe her in what she says, I just think it might not be the whole truth. She is a closed person and struggles to let people inn. I have been able to help her a little with this but she's not all the way there yet. And yes she says herself that she does not think it's very important, and don't understand how I can feel so much about it. She also uses the phrase you said that Men always wants sex. Sadly in my case it's true. I've never turned down sex. I do however think she starts to understand what the lack of sex does to me. But I do however also believe she thinks the need and causes are not normal. She's told me that herself. When it comes to the statement shut mw down sexually I don't believe she does that intentionally. I do however believe that her sexual awakening was interrupted in her teens from other matters.

When it comes to going to a counselor I do believe that would be a benefit for us. But I still deeply struggle to do it because of an internal fear that it shows my weakness. Going back to a troubles youth with lack of safe places to go. Even home was not safe in my head. Therefor help was far away, and as I've gotten older I have become a true believer that going to any kind of psychologist is a failure. I do however start to warm up to the fact that I might actually need it to sort things out. I'm just really afraid to take the step.

And yes I do believe a sooner rather than later is important to figure this out. But I also believe that right now will be the wrong time to take large steps for both of us.

[JonDoe]

How many hours per week does she watch TV? Multiply that by four for an approximate monthly average. Now be honest with yourself about whether she has enough time to nap and exercise to have more enegery for your relationship. Are there other things she spends her free time doing such as Facebook? I'm not suggesting that she shouldn't have any downtime to herself, but far too many people make the false claim that they are too busy, too tired, don't have enough free time or engery to be intimate with their partners. My ex-wife was one of those people. She continued to make this claim even after the kids were both in school all day; although, she didn't work outside the home, we still had a cleaning service every week, and she napped an hour or two almost every day.

Effy is right, she is not trying because it is not important to her. However, she should care because it is important to you and your relationship. Your marriage will not survive long-term if this issue is not addressed. When people don't contemplate the consequences they are more likely to commit the crime. Help her to understand the consequences before it is too late.

I recommend "The Sex Starved Marriage" by Michelle Weiner Davis, which explains both the high- and low-desire spouses point of view.

[raindancer]

You know, sometimes people are making excuses even they believe. If we challenge them, not in a belligerent way, but challenging the excuses nevertheless, they may learn a great deal about themselves, gain a certain awareness. It's a big thing keeping people we love aware, awake. Otherwise, life may pass them by.

I think we all have a tendency to get too comfortable and stagnate, stale.

How often do we really talk about happiness?

Perhaps the other person's participation in the things we think are important, like sex, could come spontaneously if we were all awake and working towards a common goal: being happy.

I think you're sublimating the sexual thing, Lexhill, because you don't have it. Besides the things you're trying, you could may be try a more global approach. Getting her involved with a bigger project, the happiness project, so to speak. More sex, and the quality of it are just parts of it. She would bring in the other terms of the equation.

[effy2014]

Effy2014: I'm not sure what way you are going with the truthful thing. But I do believe her in what she says, I just think it might not be the whole truth. She is a closed person and struggles to let people inn. I have been able to help her a little with this but she's not all the way there yet. And yes she says herself that she does not think it's very important, and don't understand how I can feel so much about it. She also uses the phrase you said that Men always wants sex. Sadly in my case it's true. I've never turned down sex. I do however think she starts to understand what the lack of sex does to me. But I do however also believe she thinks the need and causes are not normal. She's told me that herself. When it comes to the statement shut mw down sexually I don't believe she does that intentionally. I do however believe that her sexual awakening was interrupted in her teens from other matters.

When it comes to going to a counselor I do believe that would be a benefit for us. But I still deeply struggle to do it because of an internal fear that it shows my weakness. Going back to a troubles youth with lack of safe places to go. Even home was not safe in my head. Therefor help was far away, and as I've gotten older I have become a true believer that going to any kind of psychologist is a failure. I do however start to warm up to the fact that I might actually need it to sort things out. I'm just really afraid to take the step.

And yes I do believe a sooner rather than later is important to figure this out. But I also believe that right now will be the wrong time to take large steps for both of us.

You are probably right, she is telling part but not the whole truth. There are other issues going on and the only way to discover them is through authentic communication. But, how would she respond to the question asked by JD: isn't your happiness important to her? Doesn't she expect that you will go,outside your comfort zone to make her life happier?

Raindancer is very wise. Placing the focus solely on sex is what has the two of you at an impasse. To her, you are simply a sex fiend. The two of you do need to work towards a common goal . . . happiness and, to expand further, love. She needs to understand the link between physical intimacy and the happiness of the relationship.

Going to couples therapy is NOT a sign of weakness anymore than going to doctor is to heal a broken bone. Your emotional and relationship health is worth just as much as your physical health. Seeking help is a sign of maturity . . . the two of you have been unable to communicate through this issue alone. Having it moderated by a competent professional will enable the two of you to understand what is truly going on. One thing that a therapist can do,is to provide a sanity check . . . you are not the only male who needs physical intimacy. If the two of you are willing to work on improving your marriage, therapy will help. Put aside your pride and your fears and fix your relationship.

[Lexhill]

Now a days the time to watch tv and other things are reduced quite a bit. Usually we have a couple of hours together at the couch after the kids are put to bed. she does however care for my happiness but she says she does not have excess energy to act on it. sexual or non sexual. I have written this up in the book of baby period. When it comes to talking about happiness I take it up probably more than most as I struggle with some issues from my childhood still. So I am very aware of that. Both in a larger scale and down to specific things. I might not ask the right questions or say the right things, I don't know. When it comes to what I've will do for her happiness. I would do everything in a heartbeat and she knows that quite well.

raindancer: As English is not my first language, I feel sublimating is a hard word to translate. But do you mean that I might be exchanging the sexual need for something else?

Effy2014: I know extremely well in my mind that seeking help at psychologist and therapist is not a sign of weakness. But inn my core there has grown a "tumor" if you will, telling me that going to one is the ultimate failure. Kinda forced in through my youth that you should be able to handle things yourself. The weird part of it is that I know that someone with my youth would be given this for free in today's society. I know it's twisted, wrong and foolish. Especially when I do have the up-most respect and care for those who goes. And look at it as a sign of strength in them. It's double standard I know, I just can't seem to shake it of.

So from it all I see that I might have to "fix" myself before I mess around to much with my wife and our relationship. I do however want to try to improve things in the mean while.

[raindancer]

Yes, Lexhill. I was thinking of the part where you talk about the rest of the relationship being very good... what is the rest of the relationship, since you start by sharing with us just how much the sexual part of your life is important? Look, I would like you to know I'm not minimizing your problem. It is something huge and it takes two to tango.

Just for the record, I don't speak English, either. Therefore the words with a Latin origin. They come easy, while the more "real" English words remain a mystery to me. It's a very difficult language and a constant struggle when I'm on the internet.

[Selya]

Doesn't sound like an addiction to me, but more like deprevation...
Is there a known reason why sex with your wife is so rare?

[effy2014]

My ex used to describe the feeling as being "touched out" -- our child was so needy and she always so unwilling to let him cry things out. We are all tired at the end of a day. The issue, of course, is whether the two of you are the refuge or whether it's the TV.

The best way to fix yourself on the therapy issue is to take the first step. You have identified the issues in your own life that need work. Go find an individual therapist and have a few sessions. It will get you over the stigma. As for therapy being an admission of failure, not taking every action you can to improve your marriage is truly a sign of failure. Best of luck.

[Lexhill]

I'm really sorry raindancer I do struggle to understand exactly what you are trying to tell me with the sublimating statement. If you could try to phrase it in another way I would be glad. When it comes to minimizing the problem don't worry about it. I know what I feel is the problem, I've posted here to hear what other's think might help me. And therefor I am ready to hear what comes my way. And I can choose to listen or not depending on the feedback. That being said, I feel that I have gotten many helpful comments and appreciate it very much. That might me one of my strength when it comes to feedback, that I am able to look at things very objectively.

Selya: I've realized that it's not sexual addiction but more the lines of deprivation. JonDoe and atskitty2 made me realize that very quickly. I made a hasted assumption based on a couple of screening surveys, that made me set the header for this thread. And in my mind there is no known reason. That reason is what I am trying to find out. And I know that reason can be very complex.

Effy2014: Again a very good feedback. and you made me challenge things I've not been able to do myself. Thank you for that. To the first thing. Even thought I feel that I have a good relationship with my wife. When facing your question the way you put it. I'm not sure what is the refuge for her. And for now I don't believe I can answer it. But it's certainly a thing I need to figure out. But I do know she wants me there with her. Because she get's kinda annoyed if I do other things that are not productive. She's usually always says something about tired in the evening. I however can often have a lot left in me, and that might cause the difference to be even bigger because I have a lot of energy left.

The other thing you mentioned that struck me real hard was therapy being a failure. You kinda hit me with a response that forced me to value my own generated goal against a generated self defense mechanism if you will. I have since my parents got divorced said to my self that is the last thing I will ever impose at my children. Of any pride and reason i might have. I will to the best of my ability prevent my kids to go through anything of the pain and suffering I've dealt with. A kinda messy divorce of my parents being one of them. Again thank you very much.

[effy2014]

Just for the record, I don't speak English, either. Therefore the words with a Latin origin. They come easy, while the more "real" English words remain a mystery to me. It's a very difficult language and a constant struggle when I'm on the internet.

It is difficult to remember that English is not your native tongue after reading your posts. Your opinions and advice are always clearly stated and quite incisive to this native English speaker.