[atskitty2]

caster, the first thing I thought of, reading through your post, is the distinction, for me, between sex & intimacy. I'm not sure you think the same way. I try not to use those terms interchangeably as I really don't believe they're always experienced simultaneously. (Just some background on my thought process)

I'm trying to keep this relevant to the original topic also.

I agree with your statement: "for one person to do it and not seen the hurt it's causing the other is one blind and/or selfish person." But again, that goes both ways. The person who's crying out for their needs to be met emotionally, so that they will feel enabled to meet the other's physical needs deserves as much understanding & "sympathy". In some situations, both people are going without some sort of need being met. It has to be approached from the ol' teamwork perspective. We have to work together. It isn't me against him, it's US working together to meet our needs.

I agree, if she'd rather watch 2 hours of tv rather than make time for intimacy, that's an issue. I think maybe you're missing the bigger picture here. As I understood her proposal, she seemed to indicate that spending that time together, would make her feel closer to him, which would increase the likelihood that she'd be in the mood. Maybe it relaxes her to watch some mindless show & zone out for a bit. Maybe I read more into it, but that's the thought that came to my woman brain. She sounds like a woman who is craving some closeness, of the non-sexual variety. It could be she needs that connection, before she can connect physically.
It's not just about the sex. It's almost never JUST about the sex.

When a woman, or a man, makes a statement about what they need, and their partner disregards it, that tells me something. It tells me something about both of them & their relationship.

[Texasred]

caster, the first thing I thought of, reading through your post, is the distinction, for me, between sex & intimacy. I'm not sure you think the same way. (snip)

Good thoughts, all of that!
I feel like I'm in much the same boat as caster, except I'm not so sure I even think of her as my "best friend" anymore. More like "roommate," one I try hard to get along with.
One further comment, though: for me, sex and intimacy are strongly connected, and they work both ways: I'm not much interested in either one without the other.

[Texasred]

...
Kind of like the old joke: Why is a new bride smiling? Because she thinks she'll never have to give another blowjob.

Right!

[atskitty2]

Texasred, I think many are the same, that sex & intimacy are strongly connected for them.
Not sure if you're man or woman, but I think for many women, there needs to be intimacy before there can be sexual connection, generally speaking.

[raindancer]

Muffin, I think that, at least in this instance, your wife is being egoistic.

I can understand a person losing interest in sex. Unfortunately, that happens. But using it, and also expecting her partner to just go without, because she can go without it, that's selfish. The thing about the garden tool would make me furious! It is demeaning to demand some kind of work from your part and pay you with sex. If that was just a game you two play, fine. But she knows you miss more sex and she's using it to blackmail you. OK, I'm using harsh words, exaggeration, but it is a bit what is happening.

I think men fall a lot into the mistake of validating this regrettable female behavior. If you allow yourself to become a carpet, you'll be treated like a carpet. I'm exaggerating again, but just to make my point.

Now, about you, well, you fantasize about getting handjobs and ejaculating on her breasts... what is in it for her? I only have sex, because it's very good for me. And I'm sure my man only has sex with me, because it is very good for him. And we do "favors" for each other, surely, because we get it back. And I'm talking about orgasms given and orgasms received. It isn't as if I was keeping tally, but if I'm not getting lots of screaming orgasms, I wouldn't be very willing to be offering him the same privilege, I'm sure.

Sorry for the dramatic language. It's been a few weeks I've been writing in English and I'm having a bad vocabulary day.

If I may be so bold, let me suggest something. For the men out there who aren't getting enough sex, don't play the game. Change it. She's lacking desire. Become desirable. Don't trade with doing the dishes, finding garden tools. Only trade with sex, sexual pleasure.

Good luck.

[muffin70]

thanks for all the replies..... I didn't intend my post to come across as being 'all about me' - far from it
the intimacy between my wife & I is not as good as it could be and it's both of our faults...
This weekend just gone it was a long weekend in NZ and we went away to a hot springs holiday park that we've been to before. It was very relaxing and wife & I were very intimate with each other and had a great time....
While we were away we had a good talk about things... she wants me to spend less time at night in the spare room on the computer and more time with her - which I totally agree with, but then I said I'd like her to spend less time watching TV and that she should think about what programs are really important for her to watch and that maybe we could watch some programs together that we would both enjoy.... and she was ok about that.
I even suggested that maybe we could be more intimate with each other before she starts watching her programs in the evening.... because more often than not, she will either fall asleep while watching her 2-3hrs of taped programs, or she will go to bed straight afterwards and fall asleep... but she just said "well I have to be in the mood....."
She said she really likes it with I just get up and do things (around the house) without being asked... which I thought I did anyway..... and I suggested she might like to help with the dishes or preparation of dinner..... currently I make dinner 99% of the time and I generally do the dishes after dinner, then I make our lunch for the next day at work.... all while she is sitting watching TV

As for your comment about me fantasizing about getting handjobs and ejaculating on her breasts... what is in it for her? - well what's in it for her is a very happy and attentive husband...
this weekend just gone we had very good sex and intimacy - more than we've had in a long time and I was very happy and in a good mood the whole weekend - and we didn't have a computer or a TV with all ber recorded programs on it - it was just 'us'
Then as soon as we got home, she turns on the TV and starts watching the bachelor, the batchelorette, Eastenders..... and I feel as if we are back to square 1

but this morning she said how lovely the weekend was and she really enjoyed being more 'intimate' with me... I said just because we are back home there is no heed to stop being as imtimate as we were on out weekend away and she agreed :-)

[raindancer]

Good for the two of you, Muffin!

[time2discover]

Muffin, there are women on this site that no matter what any man does it's wrong, so don't even try to defend yourself against them. Especially if porn is involved in the conversation. I've yet to figure out what's the difference between women reading steamy romance novels and men watching porn, when it's widely known and excepted that women are literal and men are visual in their stimuli.

I understand exactly where you are though, the only difference is my wife doesn't care about the porn, we'd occasionally (once a year maybe) watch one together, and although I do still watch some maybe once or twice a month, it's more of a "I want to at least see someone having sex" than anything. I can do it myself without the porn.
30+ years together and she sounds about like your wife, more interested in her daily routine to see that while she may respect us as a husband, friend and confidant, she does not appreciate us as a "physical man" that wants, needs and desires to have sex with the women he loves more than anything. I get that, I live that every freakin day.

Sounds like we both have good marriages but with sexually incompatible wives. For me it used to not be that much of an issue, but while my level has maintained and in some ways increased hers has dropped to zero and it's getting to my breaking point. I have no answer for you, I have no idea how to re-light the fire for her. Over the years I've tried about every helpful hint ever printed for rekindling the passion.
It's not about watching one show for one night, one deed for one deed, those type things are helpful for short term ruts we all get in. What it's really about is an internal desire and passion for the other person that the other person has little control over.

Once we've discussed and tried all we know how it's really up to them at some point, either they wake up from the fog and realize they're killing the marriage or it dies and they wonder why.
I'm at the point now where I'm thinking of writing her a long letter so she can see it in black and white. Gestures, deeds and the spoken word isn't getting through.

Caster, let me give you a womans point of view I discovered myself not so long ago. We don't get curious enough about sex and try to discover things, I guess, because that's the way it's always been expressed. Sex is for men and love is for women. Bull****!!! I believed that but I've always been curious and one day, I decided to figure out why I wasn't satisfied. That's when I found this site and read some things which made me realise I was normal and was aloud to feel how I feel. Tried to express myself and discover, But because of the way we think,
my husband thought I was acting to please him. It's hard for both sides to get on the same page when it comes to sex so be patient and keep talking!