[MamaaCorydoras]

Hi all, anyone who can be bothered looking through my posting history will see that I've been having the same constant issue with my boyfriend of almost 8 years now. I will try and summarize:

I am now 24 and he is 25, so we've been together since high school. Since the start of our relationship, he has been very good with women, he's charming, funny and worst of all, good looking. Every time a female shows interest in him, he distances himself from me, and in some cases has even attempted to not let slip that he is in a relationship. He has even confessed to me in some occasions that he 'resents our relationship because he has missed so many opportunities to have sex with other women'. Up until this point, we always almost suppress the problem, ignore it and move on, until the next female shows interest.

In the last week or so, the subject came up randomly in conversation, and after talking over a few days, I've realized that were this issue has previously made me upset, I'm now more angry about it. I told him that he should make a decision about what he wants, to either be in a monogamous relationship (which I only think is fair considering he will not stay with me if I decide I also want to be with other men), or to be single. Ideally he says he could 'f**k other women and still be with me at the end of the day. He says he is still romantically interested in me, and still loves me, and wants to be in a relationship, but says I'm being 'unfair' because I draw the line and sex with other women and says 'this is normal for a guys, I've been with you for so long and I feel like I could be missing out on something that I'll regret for the rest of my life if I don't experience it now'.

So my questions are:

1. I've planned on staying with a friend for an unknown period of time, for him to do what he believes he wants, and come to an informed decision about what he really wants. Am I being too nice about this? Should I just tell him to shove it?
2. After being together so long, and practically growing up together and being the best of friends, am I really wrong in just wanting loyalty and respect?
3. Has this every happened to anyone before? What was your experience? Did you get back with that person/did you not? How did you cope afterwards?
4. If there are any guys out there, is it really true that this is an issue for men, which he claims 'its instinct for men to want to procreate'?
5. I would never even consider just taking a break rather than just ending the relationship, because as you may understand after so long, I do love him and I want to be with him. Am I out of my **** mind?

I appreciate any advice, I've been told so many times that I should just end it, and that my self-esteem must be pretty low to allow something like this to get this far without addressing it, or even continuing the relationship. I just want to know from other people what the hell to do... Thank you in advanced!

[MamaaCorydoras]

I should probably also mention one last question:
6. For me, having sex with someone is about love, because I have never been with anyone else, so for me its because I love him and Its a form of my expression. He says that for him (and for men), that sex is about the chase of getting a women interested and almost like getting a reward at the end, and says that the reason I am being unfair is because I can't understand how he can differentiate between love and f**king. Can anyone else relate to either side? Could it be true that sex can mean different things for a man than a women?

I should probably also mention that even after all the time we've been together, we still have sex ourselves almost everyday, or minimum every other day, so it's not like I'm not providing him with enough, but he has this idea that 'its still the same person, and sometimes its not as exciting'.

[Stillness]

If there are any guys out there, is it really true that this is an issue for men, which he claims 'its instinct for men to want to procreate'?

No. I've always been a one woman man. Plenty of men are and will reciprocate the love of a one man woman. He's just not one of them. He doesn't feel the same about you as you do about him and there's probably nothing you can do to change that.

Men and women are different, but in a complementary way. And we're not so different. Some women aren't interested in one man, so it's not the sexes. Your issues are yours and his.

I can imagine it's a really tonight situation. I've had my heart broken by my first love too. She was a lot like your guy - pretty, charming, men of all ages were constantly after her. She loved sex and I happily gave her all she wanted. But she wasn't exactly faithful to me and there was always drama. Stuff happened with other dudes. I couldn't keep up and she wanted "a break," so I just let it go. You can't make someone be what you want them to be.

I wish you well.

[MamaaCorydoras]

Thank you for your advice Stillness, I wish I knew how to tag people. It has been really hard, especially because apart from that, we get along super well, and have so many good memories and I know we both love each other. I just think this is something that he will never be able to let go of until we either end the relationship, or I leave for a period of time for us both to think about what we want. I mean, he needs to decide what he wants, but I also need to think: Am I willing to live with myself knowing hes been with other people? Do I deserve this?

[Stillness]

He does love you, but he's not being real with you. That stuff about how all men are is weak.

And I don't necessarily agree with your friends about your self-esteem. Like Sade said, love is stronger than pride. But I think that you do need to love yourself too and figure out what you want. It sounds like you're starting to ask the right questions. Maybe you could ask him to be honest about what he wants in the long run too. Does he see himself with you all his life? Does he ever want a monogamous relationship? Even if you all do end up together, is he willing to sacrifice the bond you have and permanently change the nature of your relationship?

The cool thing is that it doesn't sound like your lives are too intertwined. You're finding this out before you married and started a family.

[Motorguy]

Well MC I'm going to give you my guy opinion. I hate to say this but kick his sorry butt to the curb now. Because men like this never change.He seem to be caught up on him self because he's a handsome man,but he has no right to put you through all this. I think eight years is long enough for you to put up with him wanting to have sex with other women. My wife would had my testicle in a jar long before eight year was up. The most important part of all this is he using protection with these other women. I'm sure you don't want a STD' s that's he gotten with being with all these other women. There is many guys out there who would treat you well and respect you as well. Not all men are pigs and womanizer out in this world. I sure hope you can find happiness with a good man not a cheater.

[Ashlee T.]

I am responding to your questions beside each one.

1. I've planned on staying with a friend for an unknown period of time, for him to do what he believes he wants, and come to an informed decision about what he really wants. Am I being too nice about this? Should I just tell him to shove it? Ugh. This hurts my heart. If this guy LOVES you but truly wants to be with other women, then he would bow out of this respectfully. A selfish man who lacks the love in his heart that you deserve would expect you to be okay with this just so he can have what HE wants.

2. After being together so long, and practically growing up together and being the best of friends, am I really wrong in just wanting loyalty and respect? Absolutely not. A person either wants monogamy or not. There is no in between. There is no "gray" area here. He wants monogamy from you, but not for himself. That's called cheating. And perhaps it's the cheating that is truly the appeal.

3. Has this every happened to anyone before? What was your experience? Did you get back with that person/did you not? How did you cope afterwards? In a sense. And it was terrible. My self esteem gradually diminished over a long period of time, to the point where I was actually almost willing to let it be okay just so I could keep him. Inevitably, he cheated on me and then he cheated on me again and then........HE dumped me. I was so desperate to keep him that I hung on to the point that even he was probably saying, "wtf is wrong with her!?". I felt rejected, weak, not good enough.....and it took me completely cutting him out of my life to get past it. I look at that person that I became then and I almost do not recognize her. I am SO thankful I'm not her anymore.

4. If there are any guys out there, is it really true that this is an issue for men, which he claims 'its instinct for men to want to procreate'? From a biological standpoint, it is in "all" of our instinct to procreate. People generally want to sleep with other people because they like having sex, some people thrive off sex with new people because it feels different, new, exciting. I believe it has little, to nothing to do with procreation. He's trying to justify cheating.

5. I would never even consider just taking a break rather than just ending the relationship, because as you may understand after so long, I do love him and I want to be with him. Am I out of my **** mind? I think your relationship needs to end. Make a clean break, go your separate ways. He either needs to grow up or he is truly just going to be the type of guy who is never happy with one woman. Do NOT agree to sit back on his string being a "good girl" who is loyal and faithful to him while he goes out and has sex and relationships with other women.

6. For me, having sex with someone is about love, because I have never been with anyone else, so for me its because I love him and Its a form of my expression. He says that for him (and for men), that sex is about the chase of getting a women interested and almost like getting a reward at the end, and says that the reason I am being unfair is because I can't understand how he can differentiate between love and ********king. Can anyone else relate to either side? Could it be true that sex can mean different things for a man than a women?
Sex can mean different things for anyone, regardless of male or female. If he wants to go out and have uninhibited sex with whoever he wants, he should do that, as a SINGLE man. It's highly narcissistic to ask for that freedom but tell your girlfriend she isn't allowed to do the same.


You deserve better. I know he's all you know, but that doesn't mean it's meant to be. Trust me.

[Motorguy]

Very good choice of words there BD, I think many others would agree with you on them as well.

[MamaaCorydoras]

Guys, I know this is so late, but I really do appreciate your advice. After these last few months, nothing has really changed. I just want a clear answer... I don't know how I could ever leave. I can't even think of my life without him. He has told me that if I do leave, he wants us to separate on 'good terms' and he still wants to keep tabs on how I'm doing because he 'cares about me'. I don't even know what to think anymore...

[Motorguy]

Well that's good if you two break up that it will be on good terms. Along that he wants to still be friends with you. But you know you can find that guy who will treat you well and love you and support and the most important part not cheat on you. I say good luck and wish the very best for you in life.