[LATantrika]

This morning I did something awful and want some advice. My husband and I have a history of trust issues. I've cheated in the past and we've both lied to each other on some major issues. It turns out he was spying on me for months and lying about it.

About 6 weeks ago we really cleared the air and we've been completely honest with each other. One of the things that triggers both of us is when the other watches porn. I've given him a lot of **** which I frankly shouldn't have done because I do the same thing.

He's always been honest with me about it whenever I ask - but I have lied to him about it repeatedly. Our sex is normally amazing but the last few weeks I've been feeling distant and not in the mood to go deep with him. I've told him during that time my sex drive was low (which is not the case).

In the last two weeks I've masturbated several times to porn. Then this morning, we were in a discussion about sex and I blurted out that I hadn't used my vibrator in weeks. He just said "OK" and clearly didn't believe me so I dug in and accused him of not believing me and made a stink. I frankly only said what I said to try and dramatize an orgasm I'd had with him and instantly regretted the lie. Now that the damage is done, if I go and tell him the truth it will be a huge ****ing mess and he will likely start questioning whether I'm cheating on him, he may start spying again, etc.

So my question is - do you consider this type of thing a "white" lie? We typically don't ask each other about it but if we do, we've both agreed to be hones. When I've asked him he's always been honest with me so I feel guilty about the double standard.

Ladies, please let me know your advice!

[Stillness]

I think you already know the answer. Your conscience is beating you for a reason.

[Motorguy]

I'm with Stillness, on this you know the answer as well. You both have trust issue with each other on cheating.I'm not sure why keep the watching porn a secret from each other. Why not watch it together this may just add some spice to the marriage and get that fire burning for you both. I think some serious down to earth talk is in order with you both on this trust issue.This will destroy a marriage very quickly if not. I say good luck I hope you both can work everything out.

[muffin70]

I agree with the others - you know the answer.... best to be honest and face the consequences than lie and feel guilty / bad about it
I used to lie to my wife.... if she asked me if I had 'relieved myself' during the week, sometimes I'd say no, when in fact I had - same with porn
but if she asks me I will come clean....
one white lie can turn into another...etc.... and if you've cheated on him before then there are always going to be trust issues, but be honest with him - maybe you can watch porn together?
I recently connected the laptop to the TV in the bedroom and wife & I watched a bit of porn the other night (before she fell asleep!)

[atskitty2]

I don't have time to comment in more detail, just wanted to quickly ask if you both have gone to counseling for these ongoing problems?

[Lexhill]

I have to agree with the others here. you know the answer as it's beating you up inside. Coming clean gives you the opportunity to control the talk and what happens. If he catches you without you telling first your going to be defenseless.

I don't understand why you 2 still are not open about your porn use thought. For you both it would be a lot better to be open about it. If the reason not to, is to get some "alone time" then talk about needing that. I have actually noticed that this "alone time" is much more special if you can do it with your SO. Some times it leads to something else sometimes not, that is actually a turn on in it self. I don't know about other's but I actually feel kinda guilty when i'm hiding my alone time.

You say both of you get triggered when the other one watches porn. Why? Have you talked about that? Is it an insecurity issue? or is it more the hiding of it? Porn is not the start of being unfaithful. It can however be a reaction to a bigger problem witch leads to being unfaithful. The other thing you seem to need a talk about is the need for couples time and alone time. Both are very important.