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Feeling unappreciated in my marriage.

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  • Feeling unappreciated in my marriage.

    My husband and I have been together for 10 years, and we have a 3 year old son. Of course, when we first got together, sex was amazing, he always told me how beautiful I was, etc. me weight has been up and down throughout the relationship since I had a broken leg, a broken ankle, back surgery, oh, and a baby. It's always stayed within about 40ish pounds of my lowest weight. We have not had sex in over 2 months, and this is not unusual for our relationship. I've told him time and time again that I feel unappreciated, obviously unwanted, unattractive, and this really hurts my feelings. How hard is it to say you look pretty today, or to give some sort of compliment?!? I tell him multiple times a week how good he looks, or that I like a certain shirt on him or anything that I'm thinking. I have to wonder if it's s weight issue, why we aren't having sex, although, in the past when I've lost weight, it's not really been much different.
    All my friends talk about, is how their husbands can't keep their hands off of them, and I can't even get mine to touch me. We went on a trip alone 2 months ago for over a week, and had sex only twice. We both have high stress, demanding jobs that require a lot of us, but that should affect our sex love at home. I'm not much of an initiator when it comes to sex, and he knows that. I've never had to be with any other relationship. However, the last 3 times I initiated, we followed through, but weeks and weeks went by with no return initiation from him. So why would I try to have sex with him again when he clearly doesn't want to?? So when I'm home alone, if I feel in the mood, I'll watch some porn and use my bullet.
    The other thing that really bothers me, is that he is never concerned with me having an orgasm. Yes, it takes me a long time, but not with some help from a little bullet vibrator and some foreplay. He knows that too, but doesn't even try to help with that, he just rubs me with his hands, knowing that does not ever get me off. So if I want to orgasm, I have to get my bullet out of the drawer, and it embarrasses me because I feel like I'm hurting his feelings by saying hey I need this. But it also infuriates me because he will finish before I even get halfway, and just lay there and go to sleep while I'm laying here trying to get off, alone, with my vibrator. Often times I just turn it off and roll over to go back to sleep too because I'm crying. What do I do?!? And no, I definitely do not think I there is another woman involved at all. We are young, in our 30's.

  • Hi, have you told your husband what you've written here? Wondering if he knows how you feel but doesn't care or he has no clue how you feel.

    Comment


    • I'm so sorry you're going through this.

      Your marriage is important, but something to remember is that YOU are important too. I feel that you do not feel good about yourself because of the weight. Lack of confidence shows more than we think it does. There is nothing more attractive that someone who is confident and feels good about themselves. You cannot depend on anyone, not even your husband to create that for you.

      With all that said, it IS rotten of him to show you no passion, no appreciation, no compliments. You definitely have a right to be concerned.

      It is not terribly uncommon for marriages to lose their luster, especially when there are young kids and stressful jobs involved. Are you all making time for each other ? How about a periodic "date night" where you dress up, take special time on yourselves and go somewhere fun. It's important to remind each other of why you fell in love to begin with, why you have that beautiful 3 year old, why you decided to journey this life together.

      And like Jon asks, have you talked to your husband about this? In a non-emotional, non-aggressive/angry sort of way?
      "Be what you're looking for."

      Comment


      • I don't know where to start but does his lack of interest in you limit itself to sex and compliments or is it all the way around? Does he give you flowers or any other kind of appreciation?

        Then I'm thinking more about how you talk about yourself. Seams like you are uncertain about your self and your self esteem is hurting a little. This is something that is not good primarily for your own happiness for he will also see it. His reaction should be to try to support and boost you. But referring back to my first comment I don't think he does this at all.

        When it comes to your weight, you need to control this yourself. Make sure you stay within the limits that you are satisfied with yourself. Then rock yourself with your self esteem. If you feel that you are larger than you want to, talk to your husband about a schedule so you can work out regularly. Get of the weight you want. I talk from experience working out has several benefits. having the better stamina to play with my kids being the best benefit. I've gone down more than 40lb recently.

        When it comes to initiating I'm really feeling with you and it annoys the crap out of me. I see way to often 1 partner that does not give their SO the acknowledgement of being attractive enough. I'm struggling on the same side as you never getting that feeling of being lusted or wanted enough to bother for.

        So I would say sit down and figure out what do you want to change for you. Then go for it. When you have figured out that then look at your husband and see what your missing from him and talk to him about it.

        I also think BD's and jons answers are good.

        Comment


        • Originally posted by Wifeynurse806 View Post
          We both have high stress, demanding jobs that require a lot of us,
          A stressful job could have a lot to do with it and now more responsibilities at home with a child. When you go away for a weekend, can you just have a goal of having fun, relaxing, and not worry if you will have sex or not and take the pressure off? Sometimes, after being married a while, the woman just needs to take charge. We may think men's sex drive is always more than a women's but that is not necessarily true. And especially when men feel stress from work, and then stress at home, too.
          As far as compliments and feeling good about yourself, we need to make ourselves feel good intrinsically. It can't always come from others. So if you are out shopping, buy that rose or bouquet of flowers. And if he asks why, don't say because you never get me any. Just say, thought I'd bring some cheer in. If you create happiness for yourself, it will be felt by your husband. And guess what soon your child will be writing you little notes. Save these and put them on your mirror to give you a smile.

          Comment


          • I have told my husband on multiple occasions how I feel over the past 6-7 years. I don't ever get angry or aggressive with him, we rarely even fight. He seems to do better and acknowledge he has an issue, but it only lasts a couple weeks and he's back to his old ways. He never does things like flowers or any surprise stuff, we go on date night maybe twice a year. I do have a lot of self esteem issues, but I've always had them no matter what size I was, or how how much I weighed. I used to go to the gym 3-5 times a week until I had my ankle and back surgery this year.
            He's a self admitted control freak, especially over money. I work 2 jobs and take our son to the sitter, pick him up, do all the activities and running but I still never feel appreciated for what I do! I always thank him extra if he picks up our son, or goes to the grocery store for me. I like him to know how much it helps me when he does those things. We took a vacation earlier this year without our son, it was fun but not intimate. I'm only 32, I want sex and intimacy in my marriage, I'm not happy without it. I honestly can't remember the last time he gave me a compliment but it's been months.

            Comment


            • Sounds to be more the case that he knows how you feel but doesn't think he needs to do anything about it. Maybe he's even recognised your self-esteem issues and is taking advantage of it?
              I know you have a son but would leaving be an option for you? This doesn't sound like a nice relationship for the next 30+ years. Maybe if he got the idea that you might leave he'd try a lot harder to keep you?

              Comment


              • Yes I could leave him, I make twice as much money as he does so I would be stable. However, I do love him and would rather stay together and him just act right! I think he knows that if he doesn't correct his actions and behavior, nothing is going to happen because it never does. Like, he has no consequences for his poor behavior. I went to therapy earlier this year and it helped me some, but I never could get him to commit to go with me.

                Comment


                • Ugh. I can definitely feel your pain then. It sounds like you're doing everything you should be doing in trying to salvage this. He's lucky he has a wife who WANTS to be intimate with him, both emotionally and physically. If it were just the sex, I'd say maybe his testosterone is low......but it doesn't sound like he makes much effort in any other area either.

                  I'd suggest counseling as a last ditch effort. Let him know that you have one foot out the door and that you're doing everything you can to salvage your marriage, but that you are not willing to be ignored for the rest of your life. If that doesn't bring it to his attention that this is SERIOUS, nothing will. You are deserving of love, respect, intimacy, sex, etc. He sounds extremely selfish, wrapped up in himself and not considering your feelings and your needs at all. Yes, you do deserve better.
                  "Be what you're looking for."

                  Comment


                  • Hi Wifeynurse,
                    I am sorry you are in this situation. You deserve better.

                    If I were in your situation, I would:

                    1. Tell my husband that I love him, but I really want to do therapy together
                    2. Mention it for a couple weeks, more and more firmly, and if this did not get him to agree...
                    3. I would tell him either we do therapy together, or we are going to get a divorce

                    It is not reasonable for a partner to refuse therapy when their spouse is unhappy and they cannot solve the problem themselves. In my own case, my husband and I agreed if we ever can't work things out, we will get counseling. We have fights, but never enough to warrant counseling so far. But if I was unhappy and couldn't resolve things, we would do it in a heart beat, and I know he would agree (as I would for him).

                    Stay strong, and stand up for yourself. You deserve more.

                    Comment


                    • Understand wanting to stay but good that staying isn't your only option here. Sounds like he needs a wakeup call, if he starts to think he could lose you he might try a lot harder. Sounds strange to me that a guy isn't interested in sex, unless he has some issues of his own?
                      You're about same age as me and in your shoes I'd be thinking what do I want to do with the rest of my life. As you say he has no consequences for his behavior at the moment, he needs to appreciate you as you deserve or there will be consequences!

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by Wifeynurse806 View Post
                        we go on date night maybe twice a year. I want sex and intimacy in my marriage, I'm not happy without it.

                        when you first got together, things were good, probably dating, flirting with each other, talking about your interests, having fun, and then you got compliments, and then got married and sex good at first

                        fast forward 10 years, you are working two jobs, both have stressful jobs, everyday stuff of errands and dull chores, plus raising a child
                        you can't expect things to be as they first were because your life is not the same

                        please do NOT threaten divorce because once you do then you are giving each of you a way out...putting divorce on the table is never the way to go
                        you still love him and guessing he still loves you and has just gotten lazy plus stress with work........step back, have dates, work together on your marriage....
                        if you are determined you can put the two of you on your schedule and ask him to put you on his schedule and start dating again....you can do this



                        Comment


                        • A lot of people deal with a mate that's has a lower sex drive and that's not as sexually attentive as they'd like. It's the situation that brought me to this site years ago. Seeing the experience of others like me helped me deal with my situation.

                          Also, a lot of them are women, so get the stereotype that men are sex-crazy animals out of your head. What goes on in your girlfriends' beds has nothing to do with you. You don't know how true what they say is, you don't know what other issues they have, and it doesn't matter anyway.

                          Maybe there are marriages where people just cruise along decade after decade, but like me, you don't have one of them. My wife and I have both had to work hard to be happy and we continue to. We've kept it up for 16 years and we're closer than ever. The sex is still not as frequent as I'd like, but things have improved greatly. She's a lot more affectionate verbally and physically (sometimes too much, but I'm not complaining).

                          For me, there is and was no easy solution. I had to keep communicating without being a complainer. It called for a major shift in my view of marriage. I imagined it would be a nonstop sex party. I still struggle a great deal. It's a balancing act, because I think that married people have to come together to keep things solid and I have to for my own sanity, but I don't want to pressure my wife.

                          As it stands, she now initiates the vast majority of the time. We probably have sex as much as when I initiated all the time. That comes from a lot of work over the years. She hasn't had the best experience with men, so it took me a while to convince her that I'm not her father or her ex-boyfriends and that she can trust me to be there for her as long as I have breath, regardless of how I may feel.

                          We've been through a lot together and I've demonstrated that I take my commitment seriously and will not quit. We've never been separated - not even for one second. No one comes between us - not even us. Minor and major mistakes, sins, character flaws, sicknesses, unexpected downturns, and mourning are just bumps in the road or obstacles that we will deal with together. There is no threat to leave or ultimatums, spoken or implied. We've never even spoken the word "divorce" about what we have. It's not an option. That makes for an environment where we both feel safe and secure.

                          That's what we're constantly working to have. It's what's working for us.
                          "Those sowing seed with tears
                          Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

                          Comment


                          • I do understand very well that the love is there even thought many of the other things are not. For me it seems that he is kinda taking advantage of your self esteem issues and kindness. For you to work 2 jobs have the higher salary and to be basically the main emotional provider for your son as well as all the other stuff you do. What is he doing? Does he shop groceries, cook, renovate, car maintenance or any other stuff at all?

                            I have to say it seems to me that you need to say that you want couples counseling and you are ordering an appointment at the first fitting time. you are not happy and that somethings need to change. And you feel that you need someone else to help you out with it as a couple. Because I feel like he's either taking you for-granted or he uses you. That needs to stop. If not your wasting good years of your life on someone that does not deserve it.

                            I kinda see myself in your situation. Better salary, better job, does vastly more at home, have the kids more alone, encourages her to do more with her friends, and feel sexually and emotionally deprived. I've talked to my wife as well, it's made the situation a little better. Sex 1-2 times a week instead of once every 1-2 weeks. Problem is I feel like shes doing it more as a chore than anything else. I find myself at the best physical shape I've been in as long as we have known each other. So I struggle to see her issue with me. She does however struggle with her professional life. And I'm guessing that's her issue. Which again affects me and the kids. So we are trying to fix that.

                            From that I might not be your best advice giver, but I might know how you feel. I've already lived like this for 2-3 years, with just slight improvements. I hope to get it sorted out soon. Divorce is the last thing I want.

                            We actually have less date nights than you reasons to babysitting. But I would think that would be a good start to turn things around rather places where you can talk than just watch a movie.

                            Do you know if he struggles with anything negative in his life? The stress at his job is it negative stress or just a lot to do?

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by Wifeynurse806 View Post
                              take our son to the sitter, pick him up, do all the activities and running but I still never feel appreciated for what I do! I always thank him extra if he picks up our son, or goes to the grocery store for me. m
                              i'm wondering if you feel more unappreciated since having your son? it's a big adjustment adding a child. And even though there are two parents, the women still feels the ultimate responsibility. If you are doing the lions share of care, especially on your days off, can you two negotiate so he does more?
                              and you are doing all the activities? There is no reason, he can't unless the activities are when he's working.
                              so try to negotiate things because you can't run yourself into the ground.
                              Last edited by amy40; 11-17-2016, 08:49 AM.

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