[jon31]

Understand wanting to stay but good that staying isn't your only option here. Sounds like he needs a wakeup call, if he starts to think he could lose you he might try a lot harder. Sounds strange to me that a guy isn't interested in sex, unless he has some issues of his own?
You're about same age as me and in your shoes I'd be thinking what do I want to do with the rest of my life. As you say he has no consequences for his behavior at the moment, he needs to appreciate you as you deserve or there will be consequences!

[amy40]

we go on date night maybe twice a year. I want sex and intimacy in my marriage, I'm not happy without it.

when you first got together, things were good, probably dating, flirting with each other, talking about your interests, having fun, and then you got compliments, and then got married and sex good at first

fast forward 10 years, you are working two jobs, both have stressful jobs, everyday stuff of errands and dull chores, plus raising a child
you can't expect things to be as they first were because your life is not the same

please do NOT threaten divorce because once you do then you are giving each of you a way out...putting divorce on the table is never the way to go
you still love him and guessing he still loves you and has just gotten lazy plus stress with work........step back, have dates, work together on your marriage....
if you are determined you can put the two of you on your schedule and ask him to put you on his schedule and start dating again....you can do this

[Stillness]

A lot of people deal with a mate that's has a lower sex drive and that's not as sexually attentive as they'd like. It's the situation that brought me to this site years ago. Seeing the experience of others like me helped me deal with my situation.

Also, a lot of them are women, so get the stereotype that men are sex-crazy animals out of your head. What goes on in your girlfriends' beds has nothing to do with you. You don't know how true what they say is, you don't know what other issues they have, and it doesn't matter anyway.

Maybe there are marriages where people just cruise along decade after decade, but like me, you don't have one of them. My wife and I have both had to work hard to be happy and we continue to. We've kept it up for 16 years and we're closer than ever. The sex is still not as frequent as I'd like, but things have improved greatly. She's a lot more affectionate verbally and physically (sometimes too much, but I'm not complaining).

For me, there is and was no easy solution. I had to keep communicating without being a complainer. It called for a major shift in my view of marriage. I imagined it would be a nonstop sex party. I still struggle a great deal. It's a balancing act, because I think that married people have to come together to keep things solid and I have to for my own sanity, but I don't want to pressure my wife.

As it stands, she now initiates the vast majority of the time. We probably have sex as much as when I initiated all the time. That comes from a lot of work over the years. She hasn't had the best experience with men, so it took me a while to convince her that I'm not her father or her ex-boyfriends and that she can trust me to be there for her as long as I have breath, regardless of how I may feel.

We've been through a lot together and I've demonstrated that I take my commitment seriously and will not quit. We've never been separated - not even for one second. No one comes between us - not even us. Minor and major mistakes, sins, character flaws, sicknesses, unexpected downturns, and mourning are just bumps in the road or obstacles that we will deal with together. There is no threat to leave or ultimatums, spoken or implied. We've never even spoken the word "divorce" about what we have. It's not an option. That makes for an environment where we both feel safe and secure.

That's what we're constantly working to have. It's what's working for us.

[Lexhill]

I do understand very well that the love is there even thought many of the other things are not. For me it seems that he is kinda taking advantage of your self esteem issues and kindness. For you to work 2 jobs have the higher salary and to be basically the main emotional provider for your son as well as all the other stuff you do. What is he doing? Does he shop groceries, cook, renovate, car maintenance or any other stuff at all?

I have to say it seems to me that you need to say that you want couples counseling and you are ordering an appointment at the first fitting time. you are not happy and that somethings need to change. And you feel that you need someone else to help you out with it as a couple. Because I feel like he's either taking you for-granted or he uses you. That needs to stop. If not your wasting good years of your life on someone that does not deserve it.

I kinda see myself in your situation. Better salary, better job, does vastly more at home, have the kids more alone, encourages her to do more with her friends, and feel sexually and emotionally deprived. I've talked to my wife as well, it's made the situation a little better. Sex 1-2 times a week instead of once every 1-2 weeks. Problem is I feel like shes doing it more as a chore than anything else. I find myself at the best physical shape I've been in as long as we have known each other. So I struggle to see her issue with me. She does however struggle with her professional life. And I'm guessing that's her issue. Which again affects me and the kids. So we are trying to fix that.

From that I might not be your best advice giver, but I might know how you feel. I've already lived like this for 2-3 years, with just slight improvements. I hope to get it sorted out soon. Divorce is the last thing I want.

We actually have less date nights than you reasons to babysitting. But I would think that would be a good start to turn things around rather places where you can talk than just watch a movie.

Do you know if he struggles with anything negative in his life? The stress at his job is it negative stress or just a lot to do?

[amy40]

take our son to the sitter, pick him up, do all the activities and running but I still never feel appreciated for what I do! I always thank him extra if he picks up our son, or goes to the grocery store for me. m

i'm wondering if you feel more unappreciated since having your son? it's a big adjustment adding a child. And even though there are two parents, the women still feels the ultimate responsibility. If you are doing the lions share of care, especially on your days off, can you two negotiate so he does more?
and you are doing all the activities? There is no reason, he can't unless the activities are when he's working.
so try to negotiate things because you can't run yourself into the ground.

[Wifeynurse806]

His job is probably negative stress, but no more than mine! He is in law enforcement, and I'm in healthcare. Well, sex 1-2 times a week is way better than once every 2 months. It's not like I'm some maniac demanding it every single day, once a week would be sufficient enough for me to stop complaining. I quit telling him it hurt my feelings and bothered me over a year ago because it does no good. Thanks for all of the advice! Y'all are awesome!!!

[Lexhill]

I see the difference from 1-2 a week every other month. Then again if I had your case in frequency I would have stated clearly to my wife that it's not acceptable. Sex is more or less the only thing that is off limits to do with others if you include kissing. So if a partner can't stimulate that more then every other month, that is unacceptable for me as I respond more to physical touch then words. For me 1 loving touch goes deeper then 30 days of loving speech. But anyway it's less about the frequency and more about the emotion and affection. Doing the initiative to care for you. Wanting to give you something to please you.

I would think that you would not be happy with once a week if you felt that his action was only a chore to you. It's not about wanting sex every day but to be treated as a loving partner. and not just a good friend.

I know that a lot of jobs are very stressful and that in those 2 career paths are hard from handling every kind of people. But then again many people love those jobs because of that and that they feel they are giving so much to the community. So those are demanding and stressful jobs I know. But I'm thinking more in the lines of coming home more or less every day because you don't enjoy your work day, reasoned to colleagues or system failure. That you actually want to quite but can't because it's not any other jobs available for you. That's the kinda negative stress I'm thinking about.

Other than that I have read several papers, and documentaries on sex creates the wish for sex. Therefor experimenting with a sex schedule for a set time period can increase the frequency drastically for many couples after it's done. Usual experiments is to agree to set sex on the schedule every day for 14-30 days. No need to be long or adventures. But in one way or another get in some sex at least once during each day. Couples have gone from no sex to several times a week because their hormones are getting triggered. Might be worth a try.

[Ashlee T.]

Sure, the lack of sex is a concern. But that's a product of the overall problem I think. I'm more concerned with his lack of effort, his lack of attentiveness to your relationship or even really to your family as a whole and what the root cause for all of that is.

I know (from dating a PO in my past and having several of my best friends who are married to PO's) that it is a very stressful job......not just stressful but emotionally taxing. If a PO isn't careful he/she can develop a very cynical and apathetic attitude about life, about people in general. Healthcare is similar, but also very different. I truly believe that are far more rewarding experiences in healthcare than there are in law enforcement. (I also come from a family of nurses.)

None of that is an excuse to treat your family poorly. I can't recall without going back to your original post, but when did this behavior truly start with him? Think back. How far into your relationship with him were you when you started noticing his lack of attentiveness to you in general?

[baja]

From a guy's perspective, I would strongly recommend having a direct conversation. It's very concerning that he isn't doing the little things that can make a big difference, he's not very considerate of your feelings and shows every sign that he's detaching. His mind clearly seems elsewhere. The other factors such as weight, having a young child, not sure about how he's feeling about his job, or perhaps his location, but something is eating at him. Being able to talk it through is the first critical step!

[Motorguy]

I get back to the old rule communication is so much needed here. Tell your husband how you feel about everything. I hate to tell you some guys don't get settle hints you have to almost hit them in the head to get them to understand what you're saying. My advice seek professional help with marriage counseling to find out what is your husband issue he having with you and get everything out on the table with each other.