[Snowflake]

Im in my early 30s, married with 3 kids. Hubby never initiates sex. But he has complained in the past, that I am never in the mood. I just assume that he isn’t interested as he never says anything, or does anything to make me interested. Some days I am ready for sex, but he basically ignores me. I don’t feel desired, he makes me feel ugly, and I feel like he doesn’t want to be with me. On the odd occasion that we do have sex, I feel like he doesn’t really want me, I feel more like a friend who he sleeps with. He has mentioned he would like me to do Oral, but I am really not interested when he makes me feel like he does. I don’t think Im asking for much. Cuddles on the couch, him to hold my hand, or maybe on occasion just squeeze my breast, or just grab and kiss me. Last night we were watching TV and I was somewhat in the mood. I asked him to touch me under the blanket, and he sighed and said ok, turned the TV off and started getting ready for bed/sleep. My mood died. If I tried touching him, it would be the same deal. Plus I don’t want to touch him, like I said, I feel like he doesn’t want me, so I really don’t feel like touching someone who I feel finds me disgusting. Our sex life is quite vanilla. Sometimes I want it rough, but his idea of rough if a few light spanks, which he laughs about, which makes me more paranoid. I don’t know what to do anymore. If he finds out I masturbated he gets upset with me, and I usually only do it when I am desperate. Sometimes I am really ready for anything, But somehow he manages to turn me off. I ended up buying some lingerie and toys to spice things up. Thinking, perhaps its me, and Ill fix it, the toys will show him I am interested in other stuff too, but he cant expect me to be ready for it, he still needs to put some work in. Now Im feeling like my new purchase was silly, and there is no point in it. Last night he was saying “how unappreciated he feels, because he changed one nappy.” I cried. I am a stay at home mum. When do I get any sign of appreciation? He doesn’t even buy me gifts on mothers day, valentines day or my birthday. He does help out around the house more than most males (I suppose), but I don’t think I need to show him I appreciate him for doing it. Did he expect me to blow him for changing a nappy? You know, I probably would, if he gave me other attention. I don’t know what I am doing, I feel like I am rambling on now. But I am really upset by his lack of interest, and the fact he expects me to do all these things for him. Basically he wants me to dominate him, yet worship him. Like all I want is for him to show me some sort of affection, then take charge in the bedroom… Im really up for anything if he treats me right.

[Ashlee T.]

I don't blame you for being upset. It must be a tough position to be in to take care of 3 kids all day every day then having a husband come home who shows you no appreciation, no affection, etc. It seems a big arrogant to expect oral when he's showing no interest in you otherwise. It also seems quite selfish. Does he give you oral?

Remember, he's not "helping out" around the house. It is his home too. He eats, he dirties dishes, he is the father of those children, etc. I understand that stay at home moms are often expected to upkeep the home to some extent (which is a daunting task with 3 small children), but that doesn't mean hubby works and then comes home and does nothing. Why would changing a nappy when he's home be a big deal at all? It should be commonplace. You are not a robot. You BOTH work during the day, and then when it is time for "work hours" to be over, you join back together as a family and are teammates in the childcare, house work, etc.

Do you ever leave him at home alone with the kids? If not, maybe it's time to do that. Give him a taste of what you do every day.

He can't expect to do nothing to nurture the marriage and get everything in return.

[Stillness]

Sounds a bit like a viscous circle. You both want things from each other that you're not willing to give because the other person isn't giving you what you want. Where does it end unless someone breaks the cycle by being unselfish?

[atskitty2]

It seems to me that there's some serious discussion that needs to be happening between you. Serious, sit down, focused and purposeful communication. That's where this needs to start.

Have you had any of those discussions when you both open up and lay it all out on the table? Share the needs you have, perception and feelings for each other?

It is a difficult conversation, sure, but it needs to happen for change to start. Once you have started the conversation, it gets easier. The mindset of me vs you will begin to dissipate and eventually the teamwork mentality will start to emerge. And when I say, start the conversation, I mean a series of talks, working through the process of basically redesigning the landscape of the relationship.

What were things like before kids? How long have you been together? What things are working well in the relationship?

[Snowflake]

Beautiful Disaster: See, I know hes not "helping." Him saying how he felt unappreciated made me both upset and angry. I felt horrible that he felt that way, but then again, I was angry that he even said it. I actually had a ticket to a concert in another state for last week. I had the ticket for 3 months, and I asked him to organise time off work to watch the kids so I could go to the concert with my sister. All I wanted was 2 days, maybe 3. But he forgot. I was really excited about having time to myself, which I havent done in years. But I then had to drive me and the kids 6 hours to my mums place so she could watch them for me. While I went to the concert. I had a few hours to myself which was nice, but it was tiring driving all that way with screaming kids. When I got back home I had to go get groceries, because (while he cooked himself dinner) he didnt bother with me or the kids. I was quite annoyed. He didnt understand why I was upset with him. But yes, I always saw us as a team, like we do everything until it is all done. Not his or her jobs. Also, I have never really given him Oral. Maybe, kind of twice. He never asks for it. I know he wants it. Then about a month ago he started making funny jokes about blow jobs, and then something along the lines of "I can always hope it will happen." Thing is, I have some bad experiences with choking (not food or penis btw), and as I once had Bulimia, my gag reflex is super sensitive, so Ive always been a bit afraid to do it. Plus, Ive never really wanted to, well not that often. I get the idea in my head every now and then, but to me, Oral is the highest of the pyramid for me, if he wants it, he has to really make me want to do it, easy if he gave me any sort of affection, or made me feel wanted. He has given me Oral, but I dont really care for it, so I usually stop him.

Stillness: I understand that it seems like a vicious circle. It is. But in the past I have decided to be "unselfish" and he thinks everything is good. He doesnt make any changes. So I think, he mustn't care enough to change. So once again I feel like he doesn't really want me, so why do I bother? It doesnt do good to myself esteem. Its like Im a little lost puppy. So I stop trying.

atskitty2: He was my first boyfriend. We hooked up at age 16, and married at 24. Started kids at age 25. Yes he was my first everything, and I think while it is good, it is also bad. Before kids, I wasnt very interested in sex or anything, but we spent most of our time together. I did talk to him about it after I posted this. He said he stopped trying because I would push him away. Which sometimes I do... and I told him, that Its not personal when I push him away, and sometimes I will push him away. But there are times when I dont, so he shouldn't stop trying. He blamed most of it all on work and stress, but I told him holding hands and cuddles isnt too hard to do. He ended up cuddling me on the couch while we watched TV. He did end up falling asleep in 20 minutes, but the effort was there. I told him I dont want him to cuddle me because I want him too, but I wanted him to be aware that I need that kind of stuff.

[Snowflake]

Sorry, Im not sure why is is bold, or how to remove it.
-Fixed it

[Stillness]

He's your husband, partner, friend, and the father of your children. If he's not at the top of the pyramid, who is? He doesn't sound perfect, but you don't either.

If a person does something with the hope to gain or stops doing it because they're not getting anything in return, then is their act unselfish? If pushing the person away for whom you are the only source of romantic affection is not personal, then what is it? That sounds devastating to me. I might be overly sensitive about rejection though.

[muffin70]

remember the 3 C's communication, communication and communication.... sounds like you need to sit down with him and have a good talk about how you're feeling....

[Lexhill]

Seems to me like both of you need to wake up a little. To be pushed away from your partner hurts immensely and can give lasting feelings of being unappreciated. You and your partner need to find ways to talk this out. Seems to me like you two have started to kinda nag each others feelings. Not always by wish but small things can become big. Seems to me on what you tell that he may be contributing to little at home.

Has he always been this way or has he changed the later years?

[amy40]

Snowflake
Have you and your husband had anytime away by yourselves without the kids, lately?