[CourtneyCourtney]

Hello! New here!
Im 31, woman married to a man. My husband is extremely helpful when it comes to sex, doing anything I might enjoy. We’ve been together 9 years.
I’ve started meeting with an intimacy coach as I have desperately been wanting to experience orgasm. Doing my assigned homework I have found out that I rarely become aroused, when I do it seems like it’s a half arousal (If that’s a thing?).
Im trying many different things to produce arousal but it’s hit or miss each time. Can someone explain to me what arousal may feel like so I could possibly identify it if it were to happen? I’m told warm and tingling but I have yet to ever experience this.

[JonnyR]

Hello CourtneyCourtney Welcome to the forum! So happy you found us!

I am speaking from a man''s perspective, but there are others here that can directly relate to your frustration and curiosity.

What I CAN say is that intimacy, attraction, and libido are all closely linked.

Provided you've had all your hormone levels checked (Testosterone, estrogen, etc. all important for proper sexual function!) and everything is at a normal level, then we can start to talk about your own personal anatomy and physiology and how you are unique.

I would imagine that in this wide world of ours, not every single human can easily achieve arousal, ejaculate or have an orgasm...that's just the law of numbers, so let's start with the fact that you might be perfectly "normal" for your own body and body's tendencies.

Outside of that, there's then the discussion (honestly and frankly with no holds barred!) about what you're into, what your attracted to, how you view sex, your relationship with your own body (and using masturbation to get to know your own body alone), and other related stuff.

I don't know you, and am not making assumptions, but there could be things here that just aren't turning you on with your husband...maybe you're into women? Maybe you need anal stimulation? Maybe you aren't physically attracted to your husband? What about kinks or trying other erotica to turn up the volume? what about using toys for yourself, or your husband to use on you? Have you thought about emotional trauma from your younger years that might be affecting you now? What about shame or guilt being raised in a very religious household that taught you sex and your body was shameful, so you turned that part off?

There also could be an intimacy and connection element -- many women aren't turned on sexually until they feel a deep mental, spiritual and emotional connection with someone.

Their reality is that there could be dozens or just ONE primary reason why this is "happening"...from something as simple as your testosterone levels are super low (even for a woman!), to deeper trauma, attraction issues, or a combination of multiple of these things.

You can surely tell us more and we'll chime in, but the reality is that you should start tackling these one by one until you figure out what works for you.

We're here to help!

[atskitty2]

CourtneyCourtney Welcome! Glad you found us and chose to share with us!

JonnyR above shared some great points to consider. As he mentioned, your hormones can be a contributing factor. Also, have you had a thorough physical exam, including pelvic exam with pap smear in the recent past? At that time, ask your gynecologist about any unique anatomical features you may have. Explain to your provider what's been your experience, and they may be able to address any physical causes for that.

Start with the basics of attraction. You've been together 9 years, meaning you've been together since you were just 22, right? It could be that you two need a little tune up. Was your sexual relationship different years ago? Are you still attracted to him physically? I'm wondering also, as Jonny eludes to, if you really know and understand what it is that turns you on?
Are you able to achieve orgasm with masturbation?

Also, do you have children? What's your stress level on average? Stress can cause a disconnect for us sexually. I struggle with this myself, so don't underestimate the impact it can have. When I'm stressed out, I have difficulty getting aroused, and if I can, I can almost never orgasm. My partner has the same issue as a male.

If you could share a bit more history, it would be helpful. Getting to know you and understand what events brought you here can help point us in the right direction. What brought you to the point of seeing an intimacy coach?
From what you say, it seems as if you've never experienced arousal or orgasm. Is that correct?

The old saying is, when it happens, you'll know. Arousal and orgasm are complicated to experience, and even more complicated to try to describe. I wonder if you're feeling some pressure, and that is becoming a barrier for you. I don't mean pressure from anyone else, necessarily, but perhaps pressure you're placing on yourself, and it's preventing you from relaxing enough to really be in the moment, and feel all the feels?

For us, I think the component of deep emotional connection is key. I think men have that also, but it's experienced a lot differently for men. I think that if we're not feeling mentally and emotionally connected with a person, the sexual ability to connect just won't happen. Typically, when I get disconnected from my partner, it takes a cuddle session with some deep conversation and sharing all the stuff that has been on my mind that brings me back into a sense of closeness with him. I am a woman that needs intellectual stimulation and I need deep emotional and mental connection and physical attraction then falls into place.

Jonny also brings up past trauma as a cause. Trauma, as well as the attitudes within our family of origin can instill some unhealthy attitudes about sex. This can be a very difficult obstacle to overcome, and recognizing it is a big part of that.

I apologize for all the questions. I'm trying to get a really detailed idea of what's going on so that we can offer the best possible help for you. Looking forward to your replies!

[CourtneyCourtney]

Wow. I am shocked by such through responses. Thank you!

as far as history... I have not experienced trauma or anything of that matter that I am aware of.
I did recently have a pap and pelvic exam, all normal but I did not have my hormone levels checked. I did just quit taking a birth control pill that I have been taking for 14 years, I’m 3 days off of it now. Could this play a part?

I have never reached orgasm, my myself or with a partner. In my coaching I am learning masturbation techniques as apparently I never learned any of this on my own. I now know arousal would be step one to achieving orgasm so this is my starting point.

My husband and I are very open with each other and very comfortable. We do have the standard stress that comes with life but I don’t believe it’s anything beyond what other married couples experience. I am very attracted to him, moreso now than when we were first dating even.

[CourtneyCourtney]

Adding a few things I missed:

we have no children and dont plan on any.

I am open to anything sexual, I require toys for any sexual experience to be at all enjoyable to me.

I have learned that if I can get somewhat aroused (I think?) that I have more sensation to feel. Most of the time that I’m without arousal I feel nothing. Rubbing my clitoris is the same feeling to me as rubbing my arm.

[jns]

Hi CourtneyCourtney. What do you get arousal from? A sexy movie? A sexy story? Certain weather? Arousal is not always from touch, but can also be from what we hear, see, smell, taste or read. Do you get local arousal from nipple play (this lights up the brain the same way as clitoral stimulation)? You say you need toys for an enjoyable experience. How do they enhance an ordinary experience to an enjoyable one and how do you use them? You also say you have been on birth control pills for 14 years which would mean you started on them around 17. Did you have any pleasurable sexual experiences before that including intense sexual dreams? Anecdotally, birth control pills seem to be libido killers for some and sometimes changing the pills can lead to a restored libido.

[CourtneyCourtney]

jns I am unsure what I would get arousal from. I have been given the homework to try new things but so far have been unsuccessful.

Toys are used to try and get me warmed up for sex. I can produce very little wetness but it’s better than nothing. It’s 90% clitoral vibrations to get to this point.

I dont know from teenage years if i experienced arousal. It has been too long ago to remember.

[jns]

jnsI dont know from teenage years if i experienced arousal. It has been too long ago to remember.

I'm pretty sure if you had an intense orgasm while dreaming, the female equivalent of a wet dream, you would remember it. The wet dreams I had around 45 years ago left lasting memories and although some of the details have faded, the intensity was amazing.

[CourtneyCourtney]

I'm pretty sure if you had an intense orgasm while dreaming, the female equivalent of a wet dream, you would remember it. The wet dreams I had around 45 years ago left lasting memories and although some of the details have faded, the intensity was amazing.

I’ve never had anything remotely close to an orgasm. Or anything sexual happen to me that would be considered “intense”.

[jns]

I hope you can get testing done to find out if your hormone levels are adequate. Sometimes HMO's are just interested in minimum requirements which might not be enough in all cases. If you want to test at home, there are kits to do that but they have costs. I don't know how accurate they are as compared to having blood taken at a clinic or doctor's office. I also noticed an arousal oil group for women is available. It is supposed to be clinically tested. I wonder if it works or is all hype. Not too much for a three time pack. No suggestions on that either way.