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Post divorce fwb phase

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  • Post divorce fwb phase

    I am going through a post divorce fwb/casual phase I guess you could call it, and I am not sure how to feel about it. Don't get me wrong, the sex has been unbelievable...but after being in monogamous relationship for so long (14 years) , I have started to feel a little "guilty" about this "fwb/fckbuddy phase" I am now going through. so I was wondering, has anyone else been through this sort of phase, and if so, how did you handle it? thanks.

  • Is it possible that you actually prefer sex in a committed relationship and that is the reason for feeling "guilty"? I came to the conclusion long ago that is what I prefer after having sex both in committed relationships and in casual relationships.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • What is it about this that makes you feel guilty? I think, to work through it, you need to examine what it is about having this type of relationship that makes you feel guilty. Is it the lack of commitment? The idea that you’re “cheating” on someone after being monogamous for so long? The thought that others might think less of you for having this kind of sex? Or do you just feel like you’re “using” someone for sex?

      If the reason you feel guilty is the latter, if the person you’re having “casual” sex with is on the same page regarding the relationship, there is no reason to feel guilt over it if you’re both getting what you need from it with no expectations for anything more.

      I think that transitioning from being in a monogamous relationship for so long, a part of your brain might think that doing anything BUT that is somehow “wrong.”

      I had a friend with benefits many years ago and we both agreed that was all it was — we were “using” each other in that way, yes, but willingly and without any expectation for a committed relationship. At the time, it was fine — it was what we needed and wanted, and that was all.

      Eventually, the time came when things changed and we wanted different things from other people (relationships) and we called it quits with each other. I consider us lucky, though… we were okay with that (and it wasn’t like either one of us had fallen for the other). But that IS a risk in this type of relationship — one person becoming serious about the other, when the original intent was to only be friends with benefits.

      But right now, especially after being in a committed relationship for so long, there is nothing wrong with what you’re doing — at least from my perspective. You might not want a fwb forever, and likely won’t, but for now, if it feels good and you’re getting what you need (without hurting someone else in the process), there is no harm being done.

      Comment


      • Alison do you mind if I ask you something about what you just typed?

        Comment


        • Originally posted by Marissa91 View Post
          Alison do you mind if I ask you something about what you just typed?
          Of course not — ask away!

          Comment


          • thanks it is about your ****buddy phase is that okay?

            Comment


            • Hi Marissa91!
              Welcome to the forum!

              jns and Alison brought up some good things for you to think about.

              I think after a long term relationship, we all need a bit of a break, and want something different, depending on the situation we've just come out of. I don't think there's anything all that unusual in what you're doing, with choosing a fwb now, and certainly don't think there's anything wrong with that. As long as you're not misrepresenting your intentions, it's all good. I'm guessing this is your first foray into commitment-less physical encounters?

              I think it's interesting you choose the word "guilt". If you've come from a background, especially a childhood, that was religious or particularly conservative morally, it could have set the tone for this sense of guilt you now feel. That may be something to consider too. Many of us are taught that sex is meant for very specific parameters, inside a relationship, and when we tip-toe outside those boundaries, we can tend to feel less than "right" about it.

              So, be honest with yourself, your partner. Protect yourself and it's really ok to meet your needs in a different way. Have fun, and when you're ready, look for the next thing that will meet your needs.

              Comment


              • Originally posted by Marissa91 View Post
                thanks it is about your ********buddy phase is that okay?
                Yep! That's totally okay. I'm a pretty open book.

                Comment


                • thanks Alison H. I appreciate the fact that you are an open book and so willing to answer all of my tons of questions about the experiences you had during your ********buddy phase !
                  Last edited by Marissa91; 07-26-2021, 06:08 AM.

                  Comment


                  • hmmm....it seems like you dont really log onto the board that much Alison H. :**(

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by Marissa91 View Post
                      hmmm....it seems like you dont really log onto the board that much Alison H. :****(
                      I’m here as often as I can be but I do work full time and took a very rare (and blissfully offline) Sunday to myself. I’m not in the forums every single day, certainly, but I was logged in on the 24th (Saturday) and I’m here now on the 26th (Monday, a very full workday for me, which at 11:20 p.m. has actually not yet ended and likely won’t for a couple more hours still).

                      If someone is waiting for a response from me, it might take a day or two, but they will get one the next time I’m in the forum. So if you do have questions, please feel free to ask them and I will respond when I can.

                      Comment


                      • okay so first off I appreciate you being willing to answer all of the questions I have about your fwb phase Alison H. some of them are about the actual sex u had, if that is okay.

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by Marissa91 View Post
                          okay so first off I appreciate you being willing to answer all of the questions I have about your fwb phase Alison H. some of them are about the actual sex u had, if that is okay.
                          That's fine — I'll do my best to answer them; it was MANY years ago so some of the specifics might be a stretch to remember (like specific positions or something, we had a lot of sex but that was 20+ years ago at this point). I do remember it being a lot of fun at the time, though, and very uninhibited. I don't know... it was like because we didn't have a "relationship" it just took all the pressure off, if that makes sense?

                          Comment


                          • haha thanks just remember the best u can....so how did u meet ur best ever f**ckbuddy Alison H.

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by Marissa91 View Post
                              haha thanks just remember the best u can....so how did u meet ur best ever ********ckbuddy Alison H.
                              My "best ever" was pretty much my only one — but we had actually known each other since we were kids. Our families knew each other for a lot of years, so we kind of grew up together, although not super closely — but we saw each other often enough over the years (mostly over the summers) that we knew each other pretty well by the time we were older. One night, we were just hanging around together and although I don't really remember how it happened or who kissed who first, that was the start of it.

                              We were never in a relationship; it was a "hey, while we're both here, let's have sex because we can" kind of thing. And it stayed that way — we didn't "owe" each other anything (like making plans for dates, or "why haven't you called me back?), and we just had sex whenever we happened to be around each other for the fun of it. Granted, this was before cell phones and texting were a thing (we're talking late 90s) — so it was pretty much whenever we happened to be in the same place at the same time. The opportunity presented itself, we snuck off and did the deed, and went back to whatever we were doing before. No strings. And at the time, that was definitely all I wanted (I was out of a long relationship and did not want to jump into another), and he wasn't looking for anything "permanent" either.

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