[Melephant]

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Is anyone familiar with this? It's something i am very interested in, i want sex with my man to be more..... Hardcore. But he doesn't like hurting me

I want to give and recieve pain. I'm craving it and want to experiment more but the last time i suggested something to my fiance he got really offended and thought i was bored or he wasn't satisfying me -which is definitely not the case. I just can't help this fetish, it's like a craving.

In general, he and i bite and scratch eachother, he spanks me sometimes and we've tied eachother up.. But i just want more, i don't want this 'bubblegum' kink, i want the real deal. I trust him with my life so he is the only man i'd ever let get this much of me, but he just won't take it. It's only cos this urge to hurt and be hurt is so intense that i can't ignore it. I know he has it in him and he can be very... stern. But i just NEED more, i want him to do me damage.

Has anyone else had this trouble with their partners? How did you get around it? Can you give me any advice, please????

[newhere808]

Well not everyone is ok with the association between actual pain and pleasure. Rough sex is one thing, but it may be a pretty tall order to get someone, specifically a guy, on board with the idea of hurting his lover.

Most guys are raised with the stigma that you don't hit women, there are certainly those that do, but they do it out of anger and dominance typically, not sexual enjoyment. It may be that you should try incrementally increasing the intensity of what you do to him, he may respond in kind, or he may ask you to tone it down.

I know guys who enjoy anal sex that end up with women that are "no way no how" about it. It sucks that they cannot enjoy their kink, but fortunately it doesn't ruin the relationship.

[GlitterAndStuds]

I agree. He probably just doesn't have the heart to hurt you, even though you're asking for it. Maybe he can't in good conscience do it.

A friend of mine likes being bitten a little, and her boyfriend never does it because he just feels bad about it.

I'm not too extreme with it, but every now and then I like my boyfriend to give my face a (LIGHT) slap. But he never would have done it if I hadn't asked because he wouldn't have felt right. I don't think it even crossed his mind before that.

Try doing things to him that you'd like done to you. Make it little things at first and see how he responds.... exactly like Newhere suggested. Eventually he'll either like it and maybe reciprocate, or not like it and ask you to stop. The taste for that is kind of acquired, if you think about it.

[WildChild]

Yes, it is acquired, studies have found the children who are spanked are more likely to want that sort of thing sexually. That association with pain, control and love is established early.

[rcoreyus]

I know a fair amount about this - though the great majority second hand.

First a few safet / rules.

1. Always ALWAYS have a "safe word". This is a work that you both agree means "stop, end the role-playing something is wrong". Either "top" or bottom can use this (the "top" can find the scene disturbing). A nice simple work like "red" works well. Never ever ignore a safe-word.

2. If you are tying someone up - be sure you can get them loose quickly. Keep scissors, etc handy. Be careful about cutting off circulation. never try to hang someone from ropes, unless you really know what you are doing.

3. Some people do it, but I would recommend very strongly against breath play - choking, strangling. People have died that way.

4. Damage usually means something bad. Quite a lot of people enjoy pain, but I worry want someone wants actual damage.

Ok, bad rules over, what to do for fun.

Role playing (your brain is the biggest sex organ). You can play rape, or Spanish inquisition, or slave girl, or whatever hits you kinky fantasy. Setting the scene cann make it more fun for the same amount of pain.

Obviously spanking, slapping, belting, etc all work. Hot candle wax is OK - but never use bees-wax (it causes serious burns). Always try a bit someone where it won't do too much damage.

Some people just aren't interested in this sort of thing though. If he really doesn't like rough play, you may be out of luck

[danceintx]

I can see this is a serious urge of yours, and yes, like the others suggested you may be able to try a little on him and see how it goes. I would never go for this sort of thing, I have had it tried on me, as the others know, but it only makes me angry. It just doesn't do it for me, and this may be the case for him. It's not something he is doing wrong.

[SinisterUrge]

Since you're in the U.K. finding professional help shouldn't be a problem. Just call up some pro-dungeons in the large city of your choice and visit one as a couple. Tell the nice lady in the latex micro-miniskirt what it is you want and she should be able to show your man all the safest ways to turn your **** red & purple.

If your man simply cannot wrap his brain around the concept of safe, sane, and super-fun BDSM........ Well you can always go back to the dungeon by yourself when he takes a day off to go fishing (Ask any dungeon customers, Most of them are pretty good at hiding their kink from the mrs.)

[Melephant]

SU, i could never do that, it would be like betraying him. We have a lot of trust in our relationship and i don't want to give him a reason to feel like i'm not trustworthy. But thanks, i may have a look on the net and suggest it to him, though i don't think he'd be up for it to be honest.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions, i think i will take some of your advice. I got drunk at new years and tied him up again.. i think purely cos of the state i was in i allowed myself to really let go and got very aggressive with him. He didn't like it.

We have tried the rape thing, i love it. But still he doesn't quite let go properly. Anything sexual he suggests, i will give a go (thankfully i've been rather lucky so far -touch wood- as it's all stuff i find pretty decent), but it's not reciprocated. He will try out my suggestions, when he calms down and realises i'm not criticising him, but he doesn't really give it his all, like i do. I understand he may not be comfortable with certain things and i would never pressure him into trying something i know he wouldn't like, but i know he has this in him. He can be very aggressive as i said and he's definitely an Alpha-male and into the rough stuff.

Like with the rape scenario, i suggested it with the idea of him pouncing on me when i'm off-guard and pinning me down hard and just F-ing me.. In reality what i got was him slowly climbing on top of me (wheni was already lying in bed kissing him), gently holding one wrist, asking me 'Is this ok?' and carefully penetrating me.
Then i feel bad for wanting something different when he was so d*mn sweet about it! Lol, bless him.

One time i'd just got out of the shower (towel-turban and everything!) and he did exactly what i wanted. He just threw me down and took me, forcing me to stare at my reflection as he did. There are still hand-prints on the mirror, it was so hot! But he hasn't done it since that day last summer and i don't get it cos both of us said how great it was.

We both have a thing about vampires and we've spoken about drinking eachother's blood, but again i'm starting to think he's all talk as i'm totally up for it but he's saying he doesn't want to cut me and give me anymore scars (I am an ex-self harmer, would you believe? Lol), but i'm like 'Just do it, you have premission!' It's just so frustrating that this open-mindedness is not reciprocated, i've tried things for him.

[rcoreyus]

Hmm, I'm a bit concerned that you used to cut yourself and now want BDSM. I have no objection to BDSM (even very rough) between people who really enjoy it, but doing this when you have a history of self-harm makes me a bit uneasy.

Maybe try the role playing, "rape", "sex slave", etc games without any direct beating or cutting - see how he does with that.

Also some people are squicked (deeply bothered) by some specific things. For instance, I absolutely couldn't do any play that involved needles or blood. You can talk and see what sorts of things bother him so that you don't ask for something he really doesn't like.

One other thought - how long have you been together? BDSM play can be very dangerous with someone you don't know - what if you were to get angry and charge him with real rape after a play session that left you bruised???? (this happens sometimes)

[caterpillar79]

I feel uncomfortable with role playing "rape" . She seems vulnerable, she might get bruised deep inside.