[ChloeRwin]

I feel like there's something wrong with my clitoris. I think it's not sensitive enough. Also, I never get aroused. I know how that's supposed to feel and sometimes, very rarely, I can achieve some sort of sensation of that kind when I'm alone, but never with my partner. However, usually, doesn't matter if I do it myself in private or he does it for me, I barely feel anything.

There's no pleasure. And I know it's supposed to be there, because I used to be able to feel that before. Now, for the 80% of the process I just don't feel anything particular. It's like he's just touching any other part of my body, it doesn't do anything. I start to feel something nearing the end, and then the orgasm.

I feel strong attraction towards him emotionally, but it's like my body doesn't synchronize to that. That emotion doesn't go there. So there's desire, but there are no pleasurable sensations accompanying it.

He's my second sexual partner, and before we started dating I used to be single for nearly 3 years. My first boyfriend was distant and often shamed me or simply deprived me of any pleasure during sex. Could it be because of that..?

What do I do? Do you feel anything intense when getting stimulated?

[Alison H.]

Hi Chloe,

Given that you used to feel those sensations in the past, I do think it's possible that on some level, your past experience with your former boyfriend (being distant, shaming you, or depriving you of pleasure) likely IS having, if not a physical effect, a mental and emotional one on the sensations you feel now.

The mind plays a *huge* role in our ability to experience sexual pleasure. For instance, at least in my experience, if my head is not in the game (too much on my mind, other things I'm worried about, etc.) I just CANNOT reach orgasm and although I feel "something" during stimulation... it's just... not much. Because my mind/mood isn't right there with me.

On the other hand, when my mind/mood/emotion is on board, those sensations are intense during stimulation. Comparing the two, the stimulation/sex could be exactly the same from one situation to another, and yet... only one of those situations results in stimulation/orgasm.

It's almost like you can shut those sensations down, through mind-power alone. At least that's how it feels.

Have you talked to your current boyfriend about this? Is he aware of your past experience (and how that might be shaping things now)?

Talking to him might help in two ways — the first, he'll be aware of what's going on. Second, he may be able to help you work through those past hurts so you can feel "deserving" of pleasure in this way, essentially helping you to put your mind and emotions in a better place that allows for those sensations to rise to the surface if that makes sense.