[Jessica1801]

Good morning community. I am coming here looking for advice. In the past few years sex has become less and less important. My husband is starting to feel like I don't find him attrative anymore. This is 100% not the case. We have 2 children together. And after the birth of our son something changed. I don't have any pain during sex. I have been tk my dr and everything checks out. Anythoughts are welcome

[Wednesday L.F.]

An incompatible sex drive is one of the most common issues married couples face. Solutions can include things to “spice up” bedroom time or getaways to help you and your partner reconnect. Sex drives decrease as we age and stress can also impact desire for intimacy. Some couples engage in sex-adjacent activities like masturbating your partner or engaging in oral. Opening up your marriage is an extreme solution, but one that can work for some couples.

Talking it out with your partner is essential, and a few therapy sessions can help if you can’t find a workable solution on your own.

[Jessica1801]

We tried a therapist a few years ago. It wasn't a great experience. It was a male therapist and I couldn't get comfortable and it was really just too awkward. I am looking for another one but coming up short. That's part of why I came on here. The somewhat anonymous aspect helps with the nerves. I do want us to get away but finding time without our kids is a challenge on its own. My husband has brought up a lot of your points. He has bought me different toys. Brought up role playing and even offered if I wanted to try sex with another person. Male or female he supported me trying it. I just have these mental blocks that alot of this seems like a good idea. I get aroused by some of it. Then it seems lime the desire just up and goes away. Like he is going to think I am stupid or silly for wanting something. Please note he never has. These are my mental blocks not his. I want to be better but I am scared if I push myself to.hard it will get worse or if I don't do anything it will get worse. I let things get so bad. ?. I feel so alone.

[Jessica1801]

Thank you so much for your reply. I am sorry if I seem all over the place

[Martomarty13]

First of all, I just want to acknowledge how much courage it takes to open up about these feelings. You are not alone in this, even though it may feel that way. Many people experience mental blocks when it comes to intimacy and self-expression, and it’s completely valid to have these fears and doubts.

It sounds like your husband is supportive and wants to help you explore what feels right for you, which is a great foundation. But the most important thing here is your comfort and emotional well-being. The fact that you recognize these mental blocks means you're already on the path to working through them.

A past negative therapy experience can make it difficult to trust the process again, but not all therapists are the same. You might feel more comfortable with a female therapist or someone who specializes in intimacy, trauma, or relationship dynamics. Finding the right fit can make all the difference.

I know a therapist named [link removed by mod] who is based in Switzerland. She specializes in helping people navigate mental blocks, trauma, and personal growth. Her approach is holistic, blending hypnotherapy and coaching to create a safe and supportive environment. If you’re open to it, she could be someone worth looking into.

It’s okay to take things at your own pace. You don’t have to force yourself into anything that doesn’t feel right. Sometimes, just talking about these feelings, without pressure to act on them, can help untangle the mental barriers over time.

You're doing your best, and that’s enough. Be kind to yourself. You’re not broken, and you’re not failing—you're just navigating something deeply personal, and that takes time. Keep reaching out, whether through spaces like this or with a professional you feel safe with. You don’t have to do this alone. ?
?

[Wednesday L.F.]

I’m curious to know if you’re achieving any sexual satisfaction on your own or if your inhibitions are stopping you. No judgement. If you spend time alone and engaged in masturbation, it may help you regain your desire and comfort. When it’s just you, you’ll have total control of the situation. Some folks like to set a nice scene with candles and whatnot.

Having a supportive husband is a huge plus. But I get a sense that you’re feeling pressure not just to engage in sex, but to fully participate and enjoy yourself. That’s logical, but can be counterproductive to just relaxing and being in the moment. Focusing on orgasm, for example, can make a person tense and nervous, ironically making orgasm unattainable.

A good step might be to give yourself some grace. You’re not wrong or bad or broken because your sexual appetites have changed. I have every confidence that when couples work together to find a solution—they do. Keep talking and trusting each other, and maybe try one of those toys he bought when you’re alone and there’s no pressure.

[Jessica1801]

I don't even have a desire to masterbate. It's just like sex is the last thing on my mind. I have no desire to pleasure myself. I try and after two-minute or so I am just like it's not even worth the effort

[TruthSeeker12345]

You said that you went to a therapist. If by therapist, you mean a marriage counselor, it would be better to see a sex therapist. Also, you mentioned masturbation. You said that you do not have a desire to masturbate, but remember that masturbation is a good way to discover the ways that can arouse you and what the best stimulation methods are. Sex therapists actually recommend mutual masturbation as a way to build intimacy. Mutual masturbation requires consent from both partners, but mutual masturbation also helps the couple to learn what type of stimulation works for the both of them.

[JonnyR]

Jessica1801Thanks for your courageous post! It certainly got me thinking.

Once you can get past all the possible physical aspects, then you're left with the mental side of things.

As you said, your mind seems to get in the way of just enjoyment of being pleasured, having pleasure, or exploring your sexuality without shame or guilt.

Have you ever read Esther Perel's work? I would highly recommend her 2 books about marriage, infidelity and sexual desire as it speaks to all the things you are talking about and might help.

At this point, with acknowledging I am not a doctor or therapist, it feels to me that there is some shame you are experiencing especially if this happened concurrently with the birth of your son...I read in Ether's book about how women and men can sometimes lose their sexuality/desire because they think of themselves as a "mom/dad", and that a mother can't possibly be dirty, or have sex or shouldn't anymore because they have little children now.

It causes a lot of angst and shame.

I would look into this deeper to explore those feelings, why they occurred, and how you can work to update that programming...

The way I would approach this is as what would be the advice you'd give your son(s) (or daughter if you have one) in their future life -- would you want them to stop being sexual beings or explore their sexuality because it was wrong, they were parents, or other life circumstances put a layer of doubt in their minds?

Would you encourage them to find the help they needed? Explore their sexuality? Become more open and honest about their shame so they can overcome it?

This is similar to how when someone is hard on themselves, we always tell them they wouldn't say that to their best friend, so why beat yourself up about it?

If you could see that being an example of what a healthy, loving, and sexual relationship should be within the constraints of your marriage (or outside of it should you mutually agree to that), it would not only help your current relationship and marriage but so too help you become a better "mother" to your children as a teacher and example of what a full life should be like without shame, guilt or self-doubt about something that is inherently natural and a wonderful part of our existence.

[Alison H.]

I'm a mom of two, also, although mine are both grown now. I've faced ups and downs in my own sexual desire over the years and a couple of things that came to my mind after reading your posts:

1. How old are your kids? If they're younger and needier, that could be impacting your sexual desire. As an example, when my oldest was still nursing (we nursed until she was almost 18 months old), I spent so much time with her all day long, I spent so much time being touched all day long (taking care of her, nursing her, etc) that I REALLY did not want to be touched at all by the end of the day. Almost like I'd reached my limit, in a way. I was "touched-out" if that makes sense.

2. How old are you? If you're getting closer to perimenopause, hormones can definitely play a role. (They can, as well, if your last child was born not that long ago.)

3. Are you the primary care-giver to the kids at home? Especially if you're raising younger kids, your days are full of satisfying other people's needs (all day, every day, every night, never ends) that there can be a type of "burnout", almost. Back then, I felt like my husband was just one more person who needed something from me, when my days were already so full of attending to others... let alone even attending to my own needs. When you're that deep in "mom mode," man, it can be hard to feel sexy or feel desire at all.

And when you've got a hundred other things on your mind... getting into the mood seems to be last one on the list. Sex is surprisingly mental. When your head isn't in the game, it's hard to get yourself into that place.

Are you, at the very least, taking time for your own self care? (A long hot shower, some time spent reading or doing something that's JUST for you?) That can be a good first step to reconnecting with your sexual needs, too.