[JonnyR]

OMG -- this is something I'd never even thought of! Is this real? Is this a thing? The woman just decides that, no mas? Take it or leave it?

Holy crap....that makes me very sad, scared and is definitely something that I would NEVER want to be ok with in my own life (no judgment at all for you guys if you are ok with it).

I suppose either partner can pull up shop at any moment and not want to have sex anymore...

Those are the crossroads that determine our next phases of life.

[jns]

OMG -- this is something I'd never even thought of! Is this real? Is this a thing? The woman just decides that, no mas? Take it or leave it?

Holy crap....that makes me very sad, scared and is definitely something that I would NEVER want to be ok with in my own life (no judgment at all for you guys if you are ok with it).

I suppose either partner can pull up shop at any moment and not want to have sex anymore...

Those are the crossroads that determine our next phases of life.

JonnyR, from past posts to this forum, this is not only one sex. Some women complain that their male SO has no interest in sex and they suffer because of it. In the past I have noted that the person in the relationship who wants sex the least is usually the one who controls how frequent the couple have sex. For people wanting sex in a committed relationship, the sex is not just sex, it is also bonding and a shared adventure together.

[JonnyR]

Thanks for the insight, you are absolutely right and I had never thought of it that way -- it is a similar power dynamic to romance (the partner that usually cares the least or has the least to lose); business (the one who has the least to lose usually dicates terms), and other situations.

[MeLuvCookies]

Honestly my wife's statements and attitudes and actions are so conflicting with each other and so constantly changing and so all over the map that I don't know what to believe, what is real, what I am being unreasonable or blowing out of proportion or what I am being gas lit or lied to about.

The thing is we do have sex. We average like once a week, rarely a little more often, sometimes a little less often when life gets in the way. I have never complained about the frequency. My problem is her attitude. She will say I give it to you enough, you aren't deprived. But her attitude is what makes me feel deprived. If we are only having sex once a week and your attitude is "you wanna do it, OK lets just get it over with" like she is doing me a favor or it is too much effort for her to get into it even once a week, I find that a little insulting. If it was all the time OK I get not every time is fireworks and I get life gets in the way. But I mean come on we have sex once a week and you are still looking at it as something you are giving to me to take care of a chore and not something you want with me too? And like after life gets in the way for a week or two weeks, you still don't show any attitude of missing it, any pent up desire your attitude is still here I give it to you, I'm going to go into it with the attitude that I'm not going to enjoy it and I'm going to go into it literally saying there is no chance of having an orgasm so you just get yourself off as quickly as possible and get it over with so we can get back to watching TV? Like I'm sorry that attitude after a week or more is not OK. That doesn't feel like her trying to her hardest or meeting me in the middle. That feels like she just doesn't care and just wants to be roommates and if that is the case why did she act like she wanted a full relationship and marry me if that is not what she really wanted. I could have married somebody who truly appreciated and wanted me and wanted to have a full relationship with me if she would have been honest and not acted like she wanted that too until we had kids and now she just wants to be roommates and pay bills and do chores and have as little physical relationship as possible. Like that attitude is so screwed up on her part.

But then when I bring it up and we argue about it, she says things that have me so confused. She says she does feel a spark for me and she does feel passion towards me and want sex with me and that she comes onto me all the time. But I mean telling me "you wanna do it, OK don't kiss me don't look at me don't go down on me, don't talk during sex don't do anything but stick it in and pound like a piece of meat like that sure doesn't feel like her coming on to me. And she will say that she doesn't like all that other stuff, all she likes is penetration everything else feels weird to her and just doing that does turn her one and she is satisfied and she does have orgasms just from that, but then during sex sometimes she will say that it doesn't feel good and hurts and will literally say going into it sometimes to just make it about me and that I have no chance of making her cum. So like which is it? Cause I want to believe her statements but her actions and attitude don't seem to match that sometimes. I am fine just doing what she likes if she actually likes it and is satisfied and gets off doing just that. But I don't want it to be that is all she wants but she doesn't really like that either and when that one thing doesn't work she just throws up her hands and gives up when I am perfectly capable and willing to do more for her if allowed. That is frustrating as hell.

But what is even more bizarre is every so often she really really seems into it. In the last week actually we've had sex three times and all three times she seemed really present and really primal and really really into it and I feel like she orgasmed multiple times each time we had sex and wasn't in a rush to get it over with. And sometimes when she has been a little tipsy enough to get out of her own head and out of her own way she will be into it and in those times it actually has felt remarkably easy to get her off. Like we can be and are remarkably passionately animalistically sexually compatible sometimes, but it is almost like she blocks it or fights against it most of the time and I have to like fight against her to get her to enjoy sex sometimes. So its not like she doesn't know that it can be good but its like she usually almost doesn't want to even try to enjoy it. But oh god when she tries and is present it is fireworks. Or at least I think so. The anxiety thought is always in the back of my head wondering if she is faking but my logical brain tells me she isn't just because her reactions seem genuine and understated not like ridiculous over the top porn star acting, she has never been a particularly good actress or liar thankfully, I would think that if she was faking it to not hurt my feelings that she would fake it more often, and anytime I have said anything that even remotely sounds like I think she is faking it with me she gets super angry and offended, like she really gets hurt by even the notion that she would ever fake it with me. So I could be wrong and could be a fool but I am choosing to use that evidence to believe that on the too rare occasions that feel like I am satisfying her it is genuine.

So all those inconsistent statements and actions and attitudes have me all confused and all over the map. But I'm trying to understand and adapt to her needs. I really am. Sometimes I do better than others and sometimes I am probably being selfish and impatient but I really am trying and it really is not easy. All I ask of her is to try as well and not give up or check out of our sex life, for her to want it for herself and for us.

[Wednesday L.F.]

You are able to express your feelings about this articulately and in detail. What happens when you tell her what you’re telling us? It does sound very much like she’s giving in to sex rather than looking forward to it or enjoying it.

Her attitude, as described, can stem from a lot of things including being taught sexual shame, discomfort with her body, an inability to focus, pain, stress, and more. Until you and she can determine what’s causing it, it’ll be impossible to address. I sympathize. My husband was taught sexual shame so severe he felt guilty about having sex without wanting babies. It was a struggle, but we worked through it.

[JonnyR]

Agreed -- it sounds like the issue could be manifold, and include her feelings about herself, her past, her future, etc, and perhaps issues with you, kids, life, etc.

I would highly suggest a few ideas:

- First, taking all the great comments you've shared and paring them down into some bullet points, and then sharing them with her in a heart-to-heart, or with a therapist

- Seeing a therapist together and separately -- usually therapy involves things you need to work on by yourself, and things you need to work on with each other.

- Some other form of approach to honesty and vulnerability that will translate for both of you into a better and more meaningful relationship that is predicated on honesty.

I think at this point, the "tactics" of how, when or what of sex aren't helping -- it's time to go beyond that and start where sexual attraction usually begins for women, and that is in their minds, emotions, and feelings.