[Jessica1801]

Both the kids are fine. Husband is mostly recovered. Just a lingering cough. It's a out the same for me. I also just still feel a little worn out. On the plus side before I got sick I did allow myself a little me time. The kids and hubby went to bed a little early. I had sometime to myself. I turned off the TV and decided to try and just enjoy myself. I was on the couch crawled under the one of my favorite blankets and decided to get naked. I know this is going to sound goofy but just getting naked in the living room is not something I have done in a very long time. I allowed myself to start enjoying my touch. Nothing crazy so I will not bore you all with the details but I was really enjoying myself. Then my daughter woke up and came down for a drink. The couch has the back to the stairs so she had no idea I was there. Good thing because my clothes were out of reach. She got her drink went back upstairs. I can see the light from her room in the hallways I waited until she turned her light back off before I dared to continue. I don't know why but the thrill of almost getting caught made my head scramble. Orgasm was not my goal at all but I gave myself one of the best orgasms ever. I let fantasy after fantasy run through my mind. Before I knew it my leg ws shaking uncontrollably and wow. I know this must sound so basic but thank you all that suggested not making an orgasm a goal. It's the beginning to a new mindset I hope I can keep the momentum building.

[JonnyR]

Jessica1801So happy to hear you guys are ok! I was sick recently, and it knocked me down pretty good!

As for your story, this is AWESOME!!

Sounds very exciting and not boring or weird at all! That's the thing with experimentation -- you never know what's going to trigger something that really hits home.

I would keep exploring as you did -- and over time maybe incorporating your husband into the proceedings...maybe even talking about what you did would turn him on - it certainly gave me a momentary flush of excitement thinking about a woman pleasuring herself to that extent...

Very happy for you!

In the future, perhaps you can share your experiences with us again and help others on the forum who might be encountering the same problems.

We love hearing from folks of all walks of life that can add to our community!

[jns]

Both the kids are fine. Husband is mostly recovered. Just a lingering cough. It's a out the same for me. I also just still feel a little worn out. On the plus side before I got sick I did allow myself a little me time. The kids and hubby went to bed a little early. I had sometime to myself. I turned off the TV and decided to try and just enjoy myself. I was on the couch crawled under the one of my favorite blankets and decided to get naked. I know this is going to sound goofy but just getting naked in the living room is not something I have done in a very long time. I allowed myself to start enjoying my touch. Nothing crazy so I will not bore you all with the details but I was really enjoying myself. Then my daughter woke up and came down for a drink. The couch has the back to the stairs so she had no idea I was there. Good thing because my clothes were out of reach. She got her drink went back upstairs. I can see the light from her room in the hallways I waited until she turned her light back off before I dared to continue. I don't know why but the thrill of almost getting caught made my head scramble. Orgasm was not my goal at all but I gave myself one of the best orgasms ever. I let fantasy after fantasy run through my mind. Before I knew it my leg ws shaking uncontrollably and wow. I know this must sound so basic but thank you all that suggested not making an orgasm a goal. It's the beginning to a new mindset I hope I can keep the momentum building.

It's great that you are making progress.

[ttloveyou77]

Taking the first step is a kind of progress. Life is your own. You must keep exploring and trying. Only in this way can life be meaningful. [link removed by mod] Sex is a necessity in life.

[Wednesday L.F.]

On behalf of asexuals everywhere, it’s not.

[MeLuvCookies]

As a husband whose wife has been progressively checking out of our sex life for years now I can say I feel his frustration and yours. But for what it is worth on behalf of the guys in our position, thank you for at least caring and trying. Not that you should feel bad it isn't like "your fault." But thank you for at least missing what you had with your husband and going to a therapist and making an effort to try and fight to get what you had back.

I think that is the thing that ****es me off and hurts me the most about my wife's attitude. Like she has valid reasons that I understand and am trying my hardest to be empathetic and patient with. Body image issues even though she is freaking gorgeous. Childhood trauma issues. She is most likely perimenopausal as she has all the classic symptoms and several doctors have told her she likely is and recommended she get her hormones checked but she absolutely refuses to get checked so she doesn't have like an official diagnosis.

All her reasons are valid and I understand them. What massively bothers me is that in the 8 years or so that she has progressively become more and more sexually inhibited and checked out of our intimacy and taken more and more things off the table to the point she makes it nearly impossible for me to sexually satisfy her because she literally won't let me do anything except intercourse, during that time she has not once made any tangible effort to address the reasons she cites for her intimacy issues. During couples counseling our therapist told her more times than I can remember that she should work on her intimacy issues and past trauma. She would never talk about it in couples counseling, she would never talk about it with me and she has had an individual counselor for more than a year now and from what she tells me and what I've seen of her actions it sure doesn't seem like she ever works on her body image issues or trauma or intimacy issues with her counselor now. Like I get the reasons but can you please at some point be a grown woman and stand up and make an effort to fight back for yourself as well as for us as a couple.

And she cites perimenopause as a big reason for so many things including the libido issues and she is probably 100 percent right. I don't doubt her. But then when she actually goes to see her OBGYN all of sudden then in front of the doctor her libido isn't an issue she cares about enough to bring it up or ask the doctor any questions at all about anything she can do to help. I don't think there is some magic cure but you can't tell me that perimenopause is just a death sentence and there is nothing any woman over 45 has ever tried that has ever helped her sex drive even a little bit that is worth at least trying. But she doesn't care enough or miss what we had enough to even ask. And when she goes to her endocrinologist she won't get her hormones tested all she cares is that she is losing weight so she is happy and has no issues to complain about or ask about. Hell her OBGYN last time actually gave her a list of supplements she could look up to help with the other peri issues like hot flashes and not sleeping well. And she couldn't even be bothered to make the effort to look those up and try them even for her non sexual concerns. I'm still making all the effort expected of a husband. I'm in shape, not fat, not bald, a little gray, I'm still being as much of a partner as possibly can giving all my time and energy when I'm not working to take care of chores, take as much off her plate as possible around the house and with the kids. I take them every chance I can get so she can get time alone to rest and recharge. I still tell her how beautiful she is, because she is, every day and do every little thing I can think of and have the ability to do to be romantic and flirt with her and make her life easier and it is like it annoys her. I am still making maximum effort and not checked out in any aspect of the marriage but she can't even be bothered to make any effort to try to get back even a tiny piece of the intimate relationship part of our marriage like she doesn't even care or miss it at all. That has been the frustrating part. I think if she acted like she cared too and made an effort even if it didn't help much I think I would appreciate the change in her attitude so much I would call wherever we ended up meeting in the middle and be happy with it.

So thank you for at least caring and trying. Regardless of the outcome the effort and the thought counts as well.

[JonnyR]

MeLuvCookies Appreciate your insight and candor!

A few things here that I am thinking about and cross my mind:

1) All women, your wife included, should be on HRT (and men too!) once they start showing symptoms and quality of life declines. Theres a lot of research on this -- its not just about feeling better in the bedroom, but a whole host of other issues like bone density loss, higher incidence of heart disease and dementia, etc -- estrogen in women is protective in so many ways that have nothing to do with sex -- but yes sex too!

This is a podcast that ALL women should listen to -- and all men too!

https://peterattiamd.com/rachelrubin

I have sent this to all the women in my life that I deeply care about, including my 78 year old mother! It's serious, it's real, and HRT is something everyone needs to look into.

As we know, men are up front about this, and there are LOTS of solutions for men, women have a harder time (there isn't even a "on label" testosterone supplement for women! All T for women is prescribed off label or compounded.)

2) What you wrote here is something you should share with her -- maybe you already have!?

That level of honesty, clarity, frustration and feeling is something that might move the needle.

If you are in therapy, that's an AMAZING place to bring this all up in a gentle, calm, yet vulnerable position -- this is a real problem that is affecting your life, not just hers.

Open dialogue is always the best here and the key to everything.

Lower libidio (from higher levels previously) almost always has a root cause -- whether emotional, psychological, hormonal, lack of attraction, change of feelings, and any combination of the above.

[MeLuvCookies]

Oh I’d give anything for her to do HRT or even ask her freaking doctor about it. My older sister is 52 and told my wife how HRT restored her libido during menopause. My wife just dismissed the idea. The lack of caring and effort and fighting for sex life is what upsets me the most I think.
Shes been recommended to get her hormones tested several times by doctors. She won’t do it. Her primary actually gave her progesterone crane once without an s risk diagnosis just to try. She never ever tried it. I bought her a wevibe vibratir years ago to get comfortable with her body, it’s still in the box 8 years later unopened, our marriage counselor for three years told her she needs to work on her intimacy and body image issues. I feel bad for her for having those issues, I’m sympathetic, but angry she refuses to make any effort to work on them.
I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve asked us to see a sex therapist. Hard no.
Lost track of how many times I’ve told her I’m willing to explore anything in bed except other people to find what feels good to her. All she wants is straight to intercourse with no warmup but she then says it hurts and is too deep probably in part because she didn’t let me do any foreplay. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy she creates that dooms me to failure and gives me anxiety and self esteem problems.
God for her to try hrt or any sort of tangible effort to show she cares and wants it would mean so much to me.

[JonnyR]

Oh man, that is really devastating MeLuvCookies... I feel the frustration, especially since you guys have so much shared history together, and have created this wonderful life, that I bet is really satisfying in many other ways.

I have a friend that is in a similar situation as you are, and I gave him the same advice I gave you -- with one more caveat:

I told him that if he ever wanted to leave her because the dry-spells got so bad (and she is in her early 40's, but has had issues for a long time that are psychological) that he decided to end things, I would support him and that he should never feel ashamed or embarrassed and needed to forgive himself since it would cause him heartache and pain.

It's a basic equation -- as long as he is able to withstand the sexlessness because the other attributes of their relationship are stellar and stand apart, then stay in that relationship, know that things are probably never going to change, and be ok with that.

If the equation becomes imbalanced the other way however, that's when it might be time to make a change.

But before that happens, and before you get resentful (once you are resentful, and become disgusted with the other person and then don't even care anymore about anything, it's way too late!), I would have a come to Jesus moment with her -- be raw, open, vulnerable, honest -- don't come with ultimatums, that's not how this works -- but come with the real honesty that this isn't a situation you want to be in (is it?) for the rest of your life.

If she loves you, the family and home you've built, and all that comes with it, it's like having an intervention....you lay all your cards on the table, and can them move forward from there knowing you didn't leave anything unsaid.

[jns]

Oh I’d give anything for her to do HRT or even ask her freaking doctor about it. My older sister is 52 and told my wife how HRT restored her libido during menopause. My wife just dismissed the idea. The lack of caring and effort and fighting for sex life is what upsets me the most I think.
Shes been recommended to get her hormones tested several times by doctors. She won’t do it. Her primary actually gave her progesterone crane once without an s risk diagnosis just to try. She never ever tried it. I bought her a wevibe vibratir years ago to get comfortable with her body, it’s still in the box 8 years later unopened, our marriage counselor for three years told her she needs to work on her intimacy and body image issues. I feel bad for her for having those issues, I’m sympathetic, but angry she refuses to make any effort to work on them.
I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve asked us to see a sex therapist. Hard no.
Lost track of how many times I’ve told her I’m willing to explore anything in bed except other people to find what feels good to her. All she wants is straight to intercourse with no warmup but she then says it hurts and is too deep probably in part because she didn’t let me do any foreplay. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy she creates that dooms me to failure and gives me anxiety and self esteem problems.
God for her to try hrt or any sort of tangible effort to show she cares and wants it would mean so much to me.

A similar situation happened with my wife. She tried HRT for a short time and quit. She saw no problem with becoming celibate and I think I understand the psychology. Over time she felt more and more that sex didn't have any appeal for her so when she hit menopause, that was it. She made a unilateral decision. Her decision lowered her negative psychological reaction to sex. That made her happier.

In you case, you have to decide what you want to do about it. Has she given you any outs? Is she jealous? Would she allow you to date? Is celibacy the most desired path for you considering all information? If celibacy is a possibility that you could become comfortable with, a psychologist may be able to help lessen your desires.