[JonnyR]

MeLuvCookies Here's a thought -- you can be BOTH a "bad boy" and a good guy.

Being assertive, teasing your spouse/partner, having good banter, not taking her bull$hit, and ALSO being a good guy who does the right thing, but does it in a way that makes her a bit unsure, crave your attention and balances it out so it;s not boring, routine, or turns her off because you are always pleasing her.

A long time ago, there was the whole "pick up artist" revolution and one program that I used called "Double Your Dating" -- you can look it up and there are videos, and some books/PDF's you can download -- that really opened my eyes.

Something very valuable in this was the saying:

If a woman is attracted to you, there is nothing SHE can do about it.

But if a woman is NOT attracted to you, there is nothing YOU can do about it.

While the advice was for single guys on dating apps, websites and the "pick up" game for in person stuff, it works WONDERS for relationships too!

When you;ve lost that spark, when life gets things mundane, when a guy becomes a "wuss" and his wife no longer has an attraction to him because of (insert reason here), it can turn things around with practice and implementation.

Check it out, you'll be fascinated and see how you CAN be a "bad boy" while still retaining the great qualities of a good person that has values, morals and scruples, but also is in control of himself, doesn't take **** from anyone, has a strong send of self esteem, knows how to bust people's chops, be funny, and generally becomes "attractive" as a result.

Since therapy, et al is off the table for now, this is a free/low cost option to learn how to become a man your wife can't get enough of every single day...

[Alison H.]

I don't hate all women, just women who have that attitude. And I am trying hard to fight becoming jaded and bitter and becoming a bad guy and a monster out of anger and pain and if I ever get out of this marriage I hope I still have enough good guy left in me and it hasn't been driven out of me by this bad boy complex some women seem to have that I don't become that guy again. I don't want to. I like who I am. I just want a woman who likes it and appreciates it and is attracted to it too.

I didn't think that, from your post. Like, if anything, it clearly came from a place of frustration, not the He-Man Woman Hater's Club.

But right now, you're dealing with a lot of frustration and pain, and that leaves a mark on anyone. The thing is, you will have "enough good guy" left no matter what comes next, because that's who you are at your core. Our experiences might shape us, but they don't have to change us (unless we let them).

I don't really know enough about the ethical non-monogamy thing to offer any guidance there. I've been married for nearly 25 years and that's not something we've ever talked about exploring. I know it can work for some, as long as there are rules laid out (that everyone adheres to). I think the biggest problems usually stem from those rules becoming blurred, or people developing real feelings when there weren't supposed to be any.

[atskitty2]

You're very frustrated, and while, no, I don't think you're a woman-hater, I do think you're getting into some bitterness that isn't going to be helpful for you, regardless how this all goes. It's understandable - that's not a criticism, it's sort of the logical outcome of all this, but that bitterness will leave as much a scar as the direct issues with her. I'd try to walk it back a little in your own mind and focus on the future and what maybe can be done to right the ship. Until you really know exactly what it is about *you*, try not to get too wrapped up in it being YOU at all. Regardless, this is about her preferences, not actually anything personal about you at all. You are doing nothing wrong here. It is personal, yes, from her end, but there's nothing wrong with you.

All that said, if you want to try some role-play, or include some tactics that JonnyR mentions, go on and give it a try. If you want to. If it feels off, or doesn't feel good to play the part of someone you're not, then don't do that. At the end of the day, we don't even know for sure (maybe you do, or maybe she does) that this is what she's missing in her desire for you.

It's been a minute since you've been back, so I hope that's because there's been some discussion and some cracking in the walls at home. It sounds like there is sexual activity going on. That's good because there IS something there between you, so there's something to build on and it isn't as though there's simply no attraction and desire at all. AmIRight?

[MeLuvCookies]

I wish I could say things are better. Whats funny is that was I was originally offended by her saying about wanting to give other guys blow jobs before me and with me it being too much work I am still ****ed about that but kind of tried to let it go like maybe she didn't realize how messed up it sounded and try to like give her a pass she said she meant like she's older now and its tiring for her to give a blowjob for a long time which I let it go because I never asked her to do it for a long time or even at all just to want to do something she enjoys that turns her on with me. But I tried to let it go and move on as something ****ed up but we all say things that hurt the ones we love sometimes.

But then last week we are about to have sex and I'm turning the TV from her favorite show to something mindless because she won't let me turn the TV off cause she wants light but not the lights on, and she says she wants to watch TV while we are having sex because why do I need all her attention during sex, can't I be happy with 60/40 and her just being checked out watching TV while we have sex cause her body is still there and I'm still getting it so I'm not deprived. And like she genuinely did not understand how insulting humiliating what she was saying and proposing to me was. Like we have sex once a a week on average and you desire me enough to give me your entire focus for 10-15 minutes once a week so i can have a fighting chance of giving you an orgasm. Like wow that one really hurt and now we are fighting worse than ever.

I want to give up. I don't want an open relationship I don;t want to pay her alimony to pay her bills whil;e she gets to screw somebody else. I just want my wife who I have done everything possible for to be everything a woman could ask for in a man to want to sleep with me and try to enjoy it and cum like once a week. How does she not want that too or at least if something like perimenopause is causing her to not want to as much how is she not missing it enough to make any effort to do anything to fight to get some passion for me back. Talking to a ****ing doctor at least. Lift a finger to fight for it. I feel like I deserve at least an effort. I've given so much effort.

And the funny thing is when she gets out of her head, gets drunk or just is patient enough to let me turn her on and not just tell me to stick it in her dry hole and pound her like a piece of meat and get it over with, she does enjoy sex and she does cum. Even with all her limits and boundaries and no foreplay rules. But god I feel like I have to fight and overcome so much to get her to be present. Like sorry I want you to pay more attention to me than the television while we are having sex once a week. Jesus so demanding I am.

[JonnyR]

I've been there before with women who were checked out during sex -- and I realized that it had nothing to do with me because, how could it? I was doing nothing wrong, and we didn't have that history for it to be an issue.

While you guys perhaps do have some of that history, I do agree with previous comments that it could still NOT manifest or be anything to do with you specifically -- just she's a bit checked out (perhaps depressed), and it is manifesting in so many hurtful ways.

I can see by your comments that you actually really care deeply for her, and what is bothering you is not anything with moving on or open relationships, but more so with winning your wife -- who you love so much -- back to the place before.

It's not about moving on -- although it is crushing you to stay and hurts deeply.

You want her.

I understand that, and it's sad as hell and I'm sorry you guys are struggling.

[Alison H.]

Has she struggled with depression or anything to do with her self-esteem? I don't know how common it is for someone to just become asexual, but that's also a possiblity. Whether it's related to hormones, life (stressors or things like that), or just a shift in personality with age.

Asexuality is a very real possiblity. Sexuality is fluid; even if she was very sexual in her youth, that can absolutely change for a number of reasons. If she's checked out in this way, she may have minimal interest in the act at all, and that has nothing to do with you. If that is the case, there isn't really a magic bullet that's going to change her feelings about it necessarily.

Couple's counseling (maybe with a sex therapist) could potentially help, but she'd have to be willing to go.

The thing is, at least with asexuality, that's kind of just how someone is. Almost like a sexual orientation. It isn't a choice, it just is. And if that's the core of the issue (I have no idea), that may mean finding that aspect somewhere else.

[DNT]

I wish I could say things are better.And the funny thing is when she gets out of her head, gets drunk or just is patient enough to let me turn her on and not just tell me to stick it in her dry hole and pound her like a piece of meat and get it over with, she does enjoy sex and she does cum. Even with all her limits and boundaries and no foreplay rules. But god I feel like I have to fight and overcome so much to get her to be present. Like sorry I want you to pay more attention to me than the television while we are having sex once a week. Jesus so demanding I am.

[QUOTEI don't want an open relationship I don;t want to pay her alimony to pay her bills while she gets to screw somebody else.][/QUOTE]
Old post I know, but if the OP might still be around or for anyone else that might be wondering if the wifey might have already moved on by her lonesome and has their been any suspicions of such, which weren't mentioned, unless I might have missed it somewhere?